Why Your Toddler Refuses the Potty (And What Helps)

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Liberty, liberty, liberty. Her preschool teacher pulled me aside and said, "You have to hear what Sloan said today. During a diaper change with a red raw rash, this little 2-year-old looked up at me and said, 'I'm strong. I'm brave. I can do hard things.'" A 2-year-old comforting herself out loud. And yet, this same little girl who's genuinely exceptional at managing her emotions were refused to sit on the potty. Oh, she'll use it as a chair, but actually use it? Absolutely not. Today I'm going to tell you how her mom overcame this resistance and why the strategies most parents try can make potty pushback so much worse. Stick with me. Welcome to Toddlers Made Easy. This episode is for every parent who's in the trenches of potty training and wondering what they're doing wrong, and it's also for every parent who's just thinking about starting because you're less likely to run into problems if you're prepared for them. I'm going to give you some tools today that will make a huge difference. I've used these strategies with tens of thousands of families. They're research-backed, kid-forward, and honestly, once you understand the why behind them, they just make sense. So let's get into it. Potty pushback is normal. Most kids will resist at some point during potty training. It doesn't mean you're doing something wrong, and it doesn't mean your child is particularly defiant, and it doesn't even mean you should start over. And here's the thing: toddlers are hardwired to seek independence. It's one of their biggest developmental priorities at this age. They're actively, constantly trying to figure out what they can control in a world where most things are decided for them. And one of the places they discover they have control? When and where they pee and poop. I know, not ideal, but once you understand that, the pushback stops feeling personal and it starts feeling workable. So before we talk strategies, let's just take a moment and consider how we think about our kids' resistance. The default interpretation most parents land on when their kid says, "No potty," most parents think, "Oh, she's being so difficult." And when you believe that, your instinct is then to push harder, to get firmer, and to make it more of a non-negotiable, which almost always ends up making things harder. So here's the reframe I suggest you use: potty training is a genuinely a big ask for a very small person. We're asking our kids to experience these new sensations, these new expectations and new routines all at once, and they're not something they've asked for. And just imagine how hard that is for kids because they love sticking to routines they know, and giving up diapers is a lot like giving up a beloved blankie. It's a security object. And when you see it that way, the question shifts from how do I get her to use the potty to how can I support her through this time? So getting back to potty resistance, when Chelsea's mom asked to speak with me, she was overwhelmed and frustrated. Her 2.5-year-old, who's a really emotionally intelligent, self-aware little girl, well, she was flatly refusing to use the potty. Well, she'd sit on it happily. But she wouldn't use it. And the more her mom encouraged her, the more Chelsea resisted. And the more Chelsea resisted, the more her mom encouraged her. And they were locked in this classic standoff. Everyone was telling the mom that Chelsea just wasn't ready and perhaps they should back off and try again later. When I looked at what was happening with her mom, the issue wasn't really Chelsea's readiness. She clearly had the readiness skills. The issue was that the potty had become a power struggle and Chelsea, like most toddlers, will choose control over cooperation every single time when they feel cornered. So the solution wasn't to push harder. It was to give her more independence. And I'm going to show you exactly how her mom did that in the strategies coming up. But first, I just want to share a little story about Eli. Now Eli is 3 years old. And I say this with complete affection, but he is one of the most strong-willed, stubborn kids I've ever encountered. His mom came to me after 3 weeks of potty training attempts. She was exhausted and out of ideas. Eli hadn't just resisted the potty. He had refused to even try any aspect of it, not once. And here's the part that really tells the story. The harder his mom pushed, the more Eli dug in. 3 weeks of escalating effort had produced zero progress and a lot of stress for everyone. Eli wasn't being defiant for the sake of it. He was responding to pressure the only way a 3-year-old can, by pushing back with everything he had. What Eli needed wasn't more motivation or more consistency or a sticker chart. What Eli needed was for the pressure to just ease up. And for something completely different to happen. Both Chelsea and Eli reflect something really important: when potty training stalls, more pressure rarely works. You have to change the approach. So let's talk about how. The first thing is prompt less. Now, this surprises most parents, but the more you prompt, the more you invite resistance. Toddlers push back against pressure. Aim to prompt only when your child's showing clear signs of needing to go or at almost every 2 hours. That's it. And when you do prompt, make it like an invitation, not a command. "Hey, I'm wondering if your body's telling you something." Well, that lands completely differently than "Go sit on the potty now and try." If it feels like a command, Most toddlers will dig in. If it feels like an invitation from someone on the same team, they're usually not going to knee-jerk negatively. The next strategy is to give two good choices. So when pushback happens, the instinct, again, we've talked about this, is to push harder. But here's a better move. Give a choice, but not an open-ended choice like, do you want to use the potty now? That's just an invitation to say no. Instead, offer two options you're generally happy with either way. Both choices have to work for you. That's the important thing. So choices like potty or toilet, downstairs or upstairs, you decide which book you want to read on the potty. Same goal every time, but your child's getting to be the one who's deciding where he goes, what he brings with them. And a toddler who feels in control is a toddler who's going to cooperate. This was the turning point for Chelsea. When her mom stopped directing and started offering choices, the standoff just dissolved almost immediately. Chelsea didn't need to resist anymore because nobody was pushing. And the next strategy we're going to talk about, this is probably the most important one, and it's important with any problem you're having with your toddler. Play is a toddler's love language, and it is the fastest way through resistance I know. When a child is stuck, logic just doesn't work. Their logic centers in their brain are just still developing, and pressure just makes it worse. But play, that's like a side door that works the vast majority of the time. I bet I can get to the potty before you, or the potty is so lonely, will you go sit with it? That one works like magic. This was the unlock for Eli. His mom had been so focused on getting him to pee on the potty that everything around the potty became meaningless. Meaningful and loaded. The moment she brought some silliness back into it—a race, a ridiculous voice, a game—Ellie's resistance softened. So when you're stuck, use play first. The next strategy is to use a routine but habit stack. And let me explain what I mean. Toddlers resist the unpredictable. So when potty time becomes regular and expected, it stops feeling like a demand. It's just what happens next. So plan a few routine times when you invite your child to sit on the potty. Let's say after meals or before you're going out the door, before bedtime, and these will become routine times for your child to try. And here's a small but powerful addition. When you pair potty time with something your child already loves, let's say, let's go sit on the potty and then we'll read your favorite book, well, you're not You're making the experience itself something worth showing up for. Now, if your kids still refuse, don't push. Simply say, "You know your body the best. The potty is right over there when you're ready." Keeping it really low pressure keeps training moving forward. And here's the thing that Chelsea and Eli both reminded me of: kids don't resist the potty because they're trying to make your life harder. They resist because they're trying to hold on to the one thing that feels like theirs right now. When you stop fighting for control and start handing it back through choices, through play, through routine, through patience, well, most kids will surprise you with how ready they actually are. So prompt less, offer choices, lead with play, build the routine, and stack it with something they love. And above all, stay on their team. This is something you can implement right now and you'll see some changes soon. Take your time, keep up the good work, and I'll see you next week.