The Self-Care Secrets for Women That Will Transform Your Life with Ella Lucas-Averett

Foreign. Hello and welcome. I'm Dr. Jen Simmons, a breast cancer surgeon turned integrative oncologist on a groundbreaking mission to transform the conversation around breast health. If you're seeking to redefine the way that you think about breast health, you're in the right place. Breast health isn't just an aspect of well being. It is health, integral and indispensable. Here on the Keeping Abreast podcast, we delve deep into the innovative ways to diagnose, treat, screen for, and prevent breast cancer. But it's more than that. It's about having the crucial conversations that empower, enlighten, and drive us all to a healthier place. As someone who has navigated the front lines of breast cancer treatment and now champions an integrative approach, I bring a unique perspective to these discussions, blending rigorous science with holistic health principles. Health is a journey, not a destination, and I am truly honored to accompany you on this path. Each episode aims to provide you with actionable insights and cutting edge strategies to take charge of your breast health and your overall well being. So whether you're here to learn about the latest in medical advancements or seeking tips on lifestyle changes that foster real health, then the Keeping Abreast podcast is your go to resource. Let's embark on this journey together, because when we talk health, every conversation matters. And now stay tuned for this week's episode. In the pursuit of health, I think so many women struggle with how to get it done, how to get there, how to manage it, how to access it, how to make it work in the context of the rest of your life. And it's mostly where women struggle. And it is probably the biggest objection I get from women who are trying to recapture their health, but they just can't. They can't fit it in, they can't make it work. They can't make it work in the context of their life. And this is a huge problem because as a society, we are losing our health and we are rapidly losing our health. So I thought I would bring you someone who is the example of health, who is doing it really well, and who is helping other people through her own story, her own accomplishments, her own podcast to do it. So I have Ella Lucas Averitt. I got it right with us today. And Ella, I'm so grateful that you're here and I'm so looking forward to this conversation because this is something that women are really struggling with.

Dr. Jen, you are not kidding. I would say the number one barrier that I hear from the women in my community is How? Like, I know how, but how?

I just don't have time.

Right.

And, you know, the truth is, what I say all the time is that we don't suffer a lack of information. Like, everyone knows what they have to do. We just suffer from a lack of implementation in that women just don't know how to do it. They don't. So I would love you to start off and just tell your story because you've had your own personal story and your own personal journey from where you were before to your health and you are an athlete and you've been through it.

Yeah, I've seen some seasons, my friend. That is for sure. That's a kind way of putting it. First of all, I just want to thank you for sharing me with your listeners. I know you take very good care of them and it is an honor.

To be shared with them. So thank you for that, Dr. Jen.

And I think one thing that would.

Be great is just to just.

Let's set the table here for a minute, friends. Nobody here is acing life. Right? Like, we are doing the very best that we can with what we have. And like, I love when I turn on the interwebs and I see the people who are selling you the thing or the program or the supplement that's going to change your life, fix everything, and now it's all easy from here. That is not what this is. Right.

Right. There is no one thing. Right. There's not the thing. And you're not going to buy the thing on Instagram and you're not going to find the thing. Like, there's no thing. That's one thing.

That's exactly right. And honestly, that is what motivated me a hundred years ago to start the On Air With Ella podcast was I was just fumbling my way around the world as a professional woman, as a mom, as a wife, as somebody who was pretty engaged in her community. And I was also a little bit obsessed with taking care of myself. And I realized very quickly, through a number of experiences, Jen, that that made me an outlier in a way at that point in time, in the environment that I was in, somebody who was stupid busy. And I say stupid on purpose because it was a choice and it was stupid busy. And you're sort of in it before you realize and you're like, you start.

To realize that that is half the problem.

But we can put a pin in that for now. But the fact that I also took care of myself was profoundly interesting to people. And I thought that was so interesting because I, for example, I have done the roller coaster that so many women have done.

I have under eaten, I have overeaten.

I have obsessed about what jean size I was fitting into. I've done all the things. I even had a super fun season of binge eating, which I talk about very openly on my own show, Jen. But at the end of day, my point is this.

I have done it all.

I feel like I have been it all and I've made every mistake in the book. But somehow in my 30s, as a mom, as an entrepreneur and business owner and some of the other nouns that have already thrown your way, I discovered a sport, the sport of triathlon, that I fell absolutely in love with, despite all sanity and all reason.

And that, that along with a few.

Other experiences, changed my life in ways that we can get to. But really less in the ways you might think and more in the ways where I started doing things for very different reasons. I stopped hacking my body, I stopped focusing on weight or size, and I started really looking at myself more as a machine that needed to be fueled and needed to be taken care of. And, and that shift required me also. And again, I'm speaking about this as.

Though it was neat and tidy.

It was nothing.

Neat and tidy.

Nothing. But when you are a mom and you're working and you own your own business and you also have started a.

Podcast on the side, so to speak.

And you've got a few other interests going on, making time for yourself sounds so crazy indulgent, it can feel crazy indulgent and it certainly can appear that way to others, et cetera. So my point to you, just to lay the groundwork here, is that I am a real person in real circumstances who is determined, determined to not only find a way to prioritize my own health and well being, but to spread that message far and wide to as many women as possible.

So how do women. Because typically it's not that they don't know, and it's not that they don't want to prioritize themselves, but most women are riddled with guilt. Most women cannot make themselves a priority and they can't overcome that self limiting belief that it is too selfish to do that.

Yeah, girl, there are so many things to undo here. There is a way to talk about this on a meta level at 30,000ft. And then there's a way to talk about this on a very granular level and I'd love to do both. So can we start with the big picture here?

Let's do it.

Let's do it.

If I hear one more person say, you have to put your oxygen mask on first. Like, if I hear that adage one more time, I'm going to go crazy. And at the same time, it's 100% true. But let's use different language to describe it. Not untrue, right? What did a lot of us learn from our moms? I am not. I do not mean to stereotype. And all generalizations are false, right? Ironically. But so many of us learned from previous generations that we are here to accommodate, that we are here to make sure others are comfortable. We learned, in short, to put our needs dead last if we thought about them at all. Let me just ask us this.

How'd that go?

Yeah.

Yeah.

How'd that go?

Yeah. No, it's terrible, right?

We. There's a social psychologist. Her name is Dr. Kinga Manish. I've had the privilege of interviewing her a couple of times, but also partnering with her in a nonprofit that we've founded together to uplift and amplify women and their stories. And she talks about this much more beautifully than I can because she's a social psychologist. She. This is her Life's work. But Dr. Jen, through engaging with ideas such as the ones that Kinga shares and through the ideas of other women who are much more articulate about this than I am, it just boils down to this. What better role model are you in your children's lives in the spaces that you occupy, whether you're a mother or not, in the spaces that you occupy. What a bright, bold life to lead, to live, to show what is possible, rather than making your entire life about creating opportunity and comfort for others. And I say that to you as a mom who really cares about her kid, and I say that to you as a wife who, like, really digs her husband. Like, I really like the guy. And they're both very important to me, but I am a much better version of myself, not just for them and with them, but in all of the spaces that I occupy, because I believe that I also have value all by myself, and my value is not determined in a relative sense. So I think until women buy that fundamental principle, and, sorry, we're meta, we'll get to granular. But until we can wrap our brains and our hearts and our minds and our souls around the fundamental truth that we are worth taking up space regardless of the people that we define ourselves in context with. There's a better way to say it. You matter all by yourself.

Yes, yes, yes. I. I completely agree with you. And yet we are. JJ Virgin talks about this all the time. I don't. I don't know if you know JJ at all, but JJ Virgin talks about this all the time. Because as women, we are taught to be small in every sense of the word. We're supposed to be thin, we're supposed to be quiet, we're supposed to not make waves like we are taught to be small. And the truth is that in order to make the world a better place, in order to have impact, we need to think about being big and we need to own that and own our space and own our contribution, which is exactly what you're talking about. The you.

There are such historical context for this, obviously, and there are so many big, bold voices now that did not exist 20, 30 years ago. And there are so many personalities out there that I would just implore each of us to accept our own responsibility here and start dialing into those voices.

With whom you resonate.

So if, like, I want to live out loud and you wear, you dress bold and you're all about the fuchsia and you want to, you know, you're like, here to be just a badass woman, There are people for you, there are people to expose yourself to. If that doesn't sound like you, if you don't feel like you're here to always be behind a microphone and you want to live brash and bold, you just want to be able to be fully you. There are women that you can dial into. So. So really, Jen, the historical context is entirely there. What we do with it now, in this year, in this decade that we're living in now, is. It's. Is to dial into our own responsibility. There are resources out there, there are women out there, there are communities out there, there are families of women that you can start participating in these conversations that matter and invest in your own thinking. Does that make sense?

Yes, Absolutely. Absolutely. So I'll tell you that even I struggle with this because in the context of you are saying you love your husband and you love your children, and still you have this place where you feel it's important to be you. And that is a unique thing that you separate yourself out. And when I separate myself out and prioritize myself and my work and I'm on a big important mission, right? Like I am forever changing the way that we diagnose, treat and screen for breast cancer. So I'm on this big, God given mission, but I still have horrible, horrible guilt about the time that I spent away from my children, building this, and about the time that, you know, my husband has had to pick up the slack and, and it, and it is still that societal norm that is so programmed into me that I feel not entitled to do this. And so for me, I've made so many choices to prioritize my career and my health has suffered a lot along the way because that's the thing that doesn't get attention for me. For me, like, if I'm going to be a wife and be a mother and be a doctor and be a thought leader, then I don't get to do the other things.

Jen, what you're describing is so utterly relatable. And some people are like, well, I'm not a doctor. And I feel like that just over, you know, homework. Yeah.

So I struggle with that too, too.

Well, you're. Who doesn't? But you, what you're describing is so utterly relatable. And I do think that there are some things that we can do so we can talk brass tacks a little bit too. But the first thing that I want to say is I think it's so important to share that there aren't pat answers to this. I think it's, I think that part of the value in women having conversations like this is to acknowledge that two things can be true at once. And sometimes that sucks. And what I mean by that, Jen, is there was not a day. Well, let's talk about math first. Let's do the math. If I am working, I have a consulting business. It's not, it's not online. I have a real world corporate consulting.

Business, irl, as the kids say.

There you go. Irl. If I'm in a suit, in a boardroom talking to the CEO, there is no way I'm doing that. The math will not math. I cannot do that and be at home helping my son with his math homework. That's not possible. I can do a lot of things and I can, unfortunately, multitask with the best of them. But there are some things where the math ain't mathing, and that is one of them. If I am out for a run, I am not tending to the sheep in my flock.

That is also true.

So, I don't know. My son is now, he's just graduated from university, so he is no longer at the kitchen table fretting over math homework. So.

Congratulations.

Thank you so much. So much.

That's right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But listen, it, it's never over. But that's fine. We don't want it to be over.

It's just you.

I, I joke. I Joke. I'm gonna lose some people by making this joke. I shouldn't say this, but you cannot win parenting.

No, you can't win. No, you cannot win.

And I say that tongue in cheek.

But I also say, sort of say.

It with my whole chest.

And here's what I mean.

I don't know that men suffer from this as much as women, but if I am in one place, I feel.

Guilt about the other.

That has not changed because my son is now in his early 20s. It's. I still feel the same damn way. It just is like the.

The.

The needs have shifted slightly. But I'm not working on growing my online business. If I'm working in my offline consulting, I'm not taking care of my body if I'm on a business trip for a speaking engagement. I mean, Jen, this is our life. So to me, rather than fight it and rather than try to rewrite it, I say, okay. And I use a model. I really do. I use a framework that I learned in the business environment, I use in every area of my life, and I want to share it with you. It is the control, influence, and accept and adapt model. The CIA model. Control, influence, accept. And I look at my situation because remember, we're not going to change the reality that you describe when we're in it, when we're totally overwhelmed, or when we're trying. We're trying to manage our feelings. And sometimes, Jen, we feel like we should feel guilty.

Have you ever felt that?

Have you ever been enjoying yourself and.

Thinking like, wait, wait, but. But I'm not doing this and I'm not doing that, and I'm not taking care of this. And how dare I enjoy this moment.

Yes. What the hell are we doing? What are we doing? What are we doing? Okay, there are two things I want to share with you. The first one is I'm about to describe the control, influence, and accept model to you, but I want you to have something in mind.

Have you ever seen.

These are really common with life coaches and like professional coaching models.

It's the life wheel.

A lot of people have seen some version of this. It's like just picture a wheel or.

A pie, if you will.

And one slice is financial management of your life, and one slice is career. One slice might be spiritual and one slice might be familial. And one slice might be. One slice might be social and one.

Slice might be physical. Well, being. Right.

And I love this model because when I work with people one on one, I'm like, I want you to rate On a scale of 1 to 10, where you are in taking care of yourself, financially, physically, mentally, spiritually, how do your social relationships feel? How's your career feel? And Jen, the person who says they're a 10 in every area is 100% lying or their bar is.

So like doing my mental tally and I'm like, like embarrassed.

I'm gonna give you this worksheet so you can put it as a PDF in the show notes. Oh my God.

No, it'll just stress me out more. I'm gonna get like a zero in all of these categories.

No, I'm telling you we should do like, we should do a live. We should do this. We should do this with some listeners because it is. Here's the reality and we'll come back to CIA. I promise. I have not forgotten about that. But when you look at the life wheel, you cannot be a 10 in every area. So which areas are you compromising for that season? I have had seasons where career is.

Up, up, up, up, right?

So guess where social is. Down, down, down, down. Okay, if career's at an 8, social ain't like there's no two ways that.

Ain'T happening right now.

If as a mom you're killing it, as a wife you are wifing and career wise you are checking the boxes, getting what you need to get done. Where's your physical health?

Yeah, it's not, it's not, no.

But if someone is selling you that you can be a 10 in every area, they are lying or again, their bar is on the floor. Okay.

I have to tell you, I'm so reminded I'm taking back, taken back to the first week as a surgical resident. So the, the way that training works is you finish medical school and you match in in a residency. And so this is my first first week as a surgical resident. And surgical residency is horrible, but amazing, but horrible. And so I'm one of, I'm the only female surgical resident and I'm one of three women in the room when we have our weekly meetings of all the surgeons on staff and the residents are all there. And one of the three women who's on staff came up to me and she said, you know, I'd like to take you to dinner. So I go to dinner with her again, like bright eyed, bushy tailed think that I'm going to be a surgeon and I'm going to be on top of the world and I'm going to be able to do everything. And I think I'm invincible and I'm 100% certain that I can have it all. And she said, jen, you can have it all, but you can't have it all at once. And there are going to be times in your life when you're a great surgeon and a terrible mother and a terrible wife. And there are going to be times in your life when you're a great mother and not so great a surgeon. And. And there are going to be times in your life when you're a great wife and not a great mother and not a great surgeon. And all these times will happen and all these times will pass.

I love it.

Yeah.

And imagine. Imagine what we can do for ourselves when we allow ourselves to think. Think in seasons. Because a word I find really useful to attach to the truth that she shared with you is the word seasons. Because what I don't. I don't want to say what we tend to do. I'll tell you what I tend to do. Okay, let's say that I haven't been able to do a really great workout for now. Like three days, I'd probably lose. You know, three days is about my limit. But there have been times where it's been three months, and for some of us it's been three years.

Okay?

We've got space for all of it. Do you catastrophize? Did I say that right? Catastrophize. Catastrophize. Let's. Let's allow.

Okay.

Different show. I don't know about you, but I start painting my whole life with the brush I'm holding in my hand, right? Then I'm like, oh, my God, I'm never moving again.

I'm disgusting.

It's like, great that I got 85 different sets of taxes done for the year because I own too many different businesses, but I'm never gonna exercise again.

And you could just forget about compet.

And. And I don't know, Jen, when we. When we refuse to paint our life with the brush we're holding in our hand right that second, and we allow for seasons, I find my life and my own self a hell of a lot more tolerable. So if you are a brand new mom, let's use that as an example. Because even if you aren't one, even if you never will be, you know.

What that is, right? You know what one looks like you.

Are so tired and so frazzled and so, like, why am I being trusted with this responsibility? Like, you just can't. Like, you've never felt less capable in your life, right? I mean, 10 years later, it's almost cute. There's still some PTSD, but it's like a little bit cute how naive she was. Our lives change so much in two weeks, in two months and two years. Stop assigning your future and just be where you are and look at your life in seasons. So, Jen, I'm going to use you as an example. If you are about to launch something that really matters to you and you feel like you haven't been investing enough in your most intimate relationship, and you have children who for some reason, continuously have needs. I don't know. I don't make the rules. And you have a few other things going on in your life.

Right.

You will have to accept that you're going to let go of a few things for a season, and you get to determine how long that season is. If it goes on for too long, it's a rut. That's a problem. But when I stopped catastrophizing.

We think.

I really have to think about what that word is.

I don't.

I don't want to try making everything into a catastrophe.

That's the thing.

Yes.

Maybe it doesn't belong as a verb. We don't know. But it's relatable. Right. We still get it. Right?

I get it. We get it. We definitely get it.

Yeah. I had to do this when I was breaking out of my very unhealthy relationship with food, and I had to start. I had to start observing my own life. And I think that's an extremely helpful thing to do.

I think that when we are running around like a chicken with our head cut off, I think that one of the reasons or one of the things that fuels that, Jen, is an unwillingness to see what comes up for us were we to slow down or get quiet in any way. And I actually think that a lot of the behaviors we end up choosing because it is a choice like, that's. That makes people uncomfortable sometimes. But our behaviors are a choice. Our actions are, in fact, a choice. A lot of the driving force behind those choices, I think sometimes is I don't even want to know what's going on in there.

I'm pointing to my head, like, if.

I get quiet for one second, God knows what's going to come up for me. So I actually think we create activity and busyness sometimes as a buffer so that we don't even have to look inward. Does that resonate with you?

Yes, absolutely. But the problem is, so oftentimes we do all of this unknowingly. Right. So this is how most of us are walking through our life unknowingly, just going through this, walking around in a little bit of a panic, not taking care of ourselves, thinking everything is a catastrophe at every moment. I didn't try to use the verb because I'm not sure I can say it. And in my world at least, what happens is that we suddenly get hit with a breast cancer diagnosis and all of a sudden we need to figure it out. We need to figure out what's not working. And we don't have the skills and we don't have the perspective, and so we all of a sudden have to slow down and take care of us. And we don't have any context for it. We don't even know where to start.

Yeah. No muscle memory of having ever taken care of ourselves before.

Right. That's what I'm saying. And it would be so nice if we would do it before so that we don't get to this point. So that we don't get to the point where it's completely broken, because that is what's happening. No one is prioritizing their health until they have to prioritize their health. And you said something so, so, so interesting that, that we talked about before we went on air. You talked about there is profit in suppressing health. Or that might not have been in the exact words you use, but that's essentially the message. And so we are all kind of living in this very highly orchestrated system where everything is meant to decrease our health, destroy our health, so that we have to get into the system. And then we get into the system that does not look to heal us. And we think that the system is there for that. And yet there is no health within that system because the system is not designed to make you healthy. This system is designed to keep you sick and in the system. Hello, my beautiful listeners. I'm taking a quick break here to share something truly transformative with you today. If you're ready to take control of your breast health journey, then you need to get your hands on a copy of my book, the Smart Woman's Guide to Breast Cancer. I wrote this book to make a massive impact in the world of breast cancer, empowering women everywhere to make informed choices and educated decisions. You have so much more power and control over your health than you might think and this book. This is a roadmap to harnessing that power. Inside, you'll uncover the truth about conventional treatments. They're often overestimated benefits and underestimated, under explained and under disclosed long term side effects. But more Importantly, you'll discover the true drivers of health and how the choices you make at home every day can lead you to the best health, the breast health of your life, even after a breast cancer diagnosis. Whether you're looking to prevent a diagnosis, avoid recurrence, or simply live your healthiest life, this book is for you. Join me on this journey to empowerment and health. Grab your copy of the Smart Woman's Guide to Breast Cancer today and let's revolutionize the way that we approach breast health together.

Preach. That is everything that motivated me to get involved in this world, Dr. Jen, in the first place. And I said it before, but really helping us understand that we are our greatest advocates and that taking care of yourself is as selfish as what, brushing your teeth, like it's brushing your teeth stuff. Where's the line in my book, for one example, movement is a requirement. Movement is right up there with breathing, eating and sleeping. Now what I did for years is I conflated movement and exercise or movement and training. But as one very base, simple example, movement is a human right, a human need. We are designed to move. In what world did movement become self indulgent? Because it involves going for a walk and you can only take care of you well, okay, you can bring others along. You can make some phone calls on that walk. You can make that walk productive should you find that you need to. But Jen, when we live in a world where doing the absolute basics to take care of ourselves is self indulgent or something we have to make time for. It's time to sit back and re. Evaluate just a touch. You, you really, what you just said is just couldn't, I just could not agree with you more. And it's a, it's a good place, I think, for me to share that model with you that I mentioned. And it's the control, influence and adapt or you'll hear me say control, influence and accept. And I'll explain it. When we are looking at our lives, if we don't want to wait for that diagnosis or that divorce or that job loss or whatever that event is where you run into a wall hard and fast because you were not able to pay enough attention, whatever that wall may look like, and believe me, I've hit some. But when you run into that wall that will invariably pop up in life and you have never, ever, ever, ever made the time to look at what you need and how to do this thing called life a little bit better for you, then there's this framework that I want to share with you. So this is helpful if you're going through a divorce. This is helpful if you're launching a new project. This is helpful if you work with a bunch of people that drive you crazy day to day. I want you to ask yourself in this circumstance, whatever we're plugging in to this framework for the moment. So actually I think it's useful to think of one. Right now you are facing a circumstance that was not necessarily created by you, but it's still yours to deal with. I want you to plug that in to the CIA model and ask yourself, where in this do I have control in this thing I'm facing, in this thing I'm considering facing in this thing I'm dealing with right now. And I'm going to continue to use, I'm going to use the analogy of raising kids for this model again, not because we're all out here raising kids, but because everyone on earth knows what that looks like. They've seen an example of it before. We could do it with extra, we could do it with anything, financial management. But I'll use again, a universal example. When you are raising a child, where do you have control? Actually, I don't want to use that. I want to use a relationship with your partner in life. Okay. Or your future partner in life. Let's do that. Where do you have control? We think we have more control than we do or we want more control than we have.

Okay, so we have a, like we.

Have a disconnect with the control bubble. This is a circle. Okay. We want things to be in there.

I have no control.

They are not in there.

I can assure you of that.

Jen's like, nothing. The bubble is empty.

But you know, it's interesting that you, that you shifted because one of the biggest things that I dealt with as a mother of young children and I remember like a number of times going to try to get help from a, from a family therapist is like the thing that I would say to them all the time is I have no control. Like, where is my control? Where is my power? All I'm doing is fighting with an 8 year old about doing his homework and I have no control.

I have no power.

That's so interesting.

And that really resonates with me in that I struggle to see how I can control that relationship with someone else. Because the truth is that the only thing that you can control is, is you.

And your response this is, I'll tell you a little secret about why I shifted the thing. We're plugging in. I'm going to speak to Both. Okay, so let's take a simpler model. In relationship with anyone else, your intimate partner or just someone close to you.

Okay.

You can control your thoughts, your actions, your beliefs, the words that come out of your mouth, your attitude. You have dominion over these things. There are a lot of things that don't fall in that control bucket even when you want them to. Okay. Interestingly, with children, there's a third dimension coming off this graph, and it's a timeline. Because when they are 0 to 2 years old, you're controlling their entire universe. If you are a parent to a two year old, you're like, screw you, lady. Have you ever met a 2 year old? Humor me here. For the most part, you are their sun and their moon. You are everything they know in the world. Okay?

Yes.

And as they progress along their timeline, they are moving from that control center to the influence center. So when we start looking at what's in our influence circle, so we have control on the inside and around that, in a much bigger circle is, where do I have influence? Now, this can be just about like your physical state. You can be exploring this model when it comes to your own physical fitness and wellness. Okay, where do I have control? Where do I have influence? So I'll give you an example. In relationship where I don't have control, I have a hell of a lot of influence. How do I choose to use that influence? What will I do with my powers of influence? Will it be a collaboration or will it be a benevolent dictatorship? Like, what does that influence look like and how mutual is it, et cetera, et cetera, in parenting? This is where parents, I think, throw in the towel. Your circle of control might be getting smaller in your child's life, but your circle of influence is massive. If I had a nickel for every time I heard a parent complain about how they've lost their child to X. And then X is something they bought for their child and continue to pay for.

Right?

I like to have conversation Xbox all the time.

Really? I know the solution to that.

Who bought that Xbox? And by the way, what is that Xbox running on? Because I'm pretty sure it needs a power source. I'm pretty sure it needs wi fi. Who's paying for that? Who's in charge of the button? Who's actually running this household? Like, I mean, I am, I am, I am making people angry all over the place. But here's the truth. We secede our influence because it's easier. And we have. Even where we don't have control, we have enormous influence. The Day we start chipping away at that like it's any, it's anybody's game. And there are things, Jen, that in relationship, in parenting, in fitness and wellness, etc. There are things that you cannot change and you don't have influence over. So in a business sense, when there was a global pandemic, as a consultant, I was like, look, this pandemic did not come out of your office over here on, you know, Main street, okay? But it is happening to you. So in this environment, where do you have control? Where do you have influence? And where must you accept? Because what you accept therein, you have to examine how you will adapt. That's why I use accept and adapt. And when you look at where you have to adapt, all of a sudden we need to let our employees work from home. That is how we are going to adapt. Well, then in that action, where do you have control? Where do you have influence? And so the cycle continues in relationship, let's say something happens to your spouse, like you're only as healthy and happy as your most intimate partner. Right? Like what happens to them happens to you. So let's say they come home and they're like, I just got laid off. And it's going to put you in a bind. And you can't control that situation. You sure as hell, like, can't. You're not going to be able to go and influence the bosses that made that decision. So you must accept it. Now, how are you going to adapt to that? What changes will you make? How will you show up for your partner? How will you show up for each other? That is all about the adaption in that accept, but in that accept bubble. So when we look at parenting, when you're. Again, I'm going to use the timeline again because I would argue there's very few things that fall outside your circle of influence. For children that live under your roof, very, very few things. There are obviously external forces that can change that. But let's not get too nitpicky here. Here's what the example I would use when it comes to children is as they get older, as they get older and older and older and they start living their own lives and they are autonomous beings, an enormous amount of their life moves into the accept and adapt bubble. If you're out here trying to tell your 26 year old what to eat and who to partner with, you are outside of your circle of control.

Right?

Right, Right. When your child becomes a young adult and is making decisions for his or herself, accept and adapt becomes A next level art form.

Yeah.

Do we need to do. That's really audible. Do you care?

Just give me one second. This is the sabotage of my family. This is why I try not to work from home.

It's so hard.

Yeah, but my WI fi was not strong enough at my office, but I think that it should have been. I should have just done that anyway.

And avoided all of this. Well, we're. Okay.

Do you mind if I just round that off with a wellness example and we can bring it back to taking care of yourself? Yep. So, Jen, hopefully that gives you an idea of what that model is and how it can be applied. But when you look at wellness and you're like, okay, I hear them, I know I need to start prioritizing myself. Myself, I would say, okay, where do you have control? Where do you have influence? And where must you accept and therefore adapt? So, for example, let's say you're physically. You have an injury or something, or you just. It's been so long since you took care of yourself that you, like, you're not. You haven't really been in the game for a while, and you don't want to get injured. Okay, well, let's adapt. What is the smallest first thing that you can do? What is the smallest next thing that you can do? When you start breaking down these big, lofty goals and notions into, okay, wait, where do I have control? Where do I actually have influence? And where must I accept but adapt? Then everything can, just, for me anyway, becomes so much more manageable, and I can start looking at these big, hairy, audacious monsters as one next step.

And that is so brilliant and so applicable to this world of breast cancer. Because I think that people get hit with this diagnosis and they just think that they have to change every single thing tomorrow. And they know that they can't. They know that they don't have the skills. They know that they don't have the bandwidth. And so when you think about it using your model, this is something that is absolutely achievable because there are things that you can control, things that you can easily control and that you can change and will. Will easily fit into your life. And at the same time, these little changes, and you know this better than anyone because any competitive athlete knows little changes add up to very big things over time. And so, you know, if you just start by controlling your food, getting rid of processed food, if you just start by prioritizing sleep, if you just start with spending more time outside in nature, with watching the sunrise, with watching the Sunset, if you just start by saying no to these toxic things in your life, whether it be a relationship or a boss that's not suiting you or a friend who is sabotaging you or using less products. Right. Not drinking out of plastic, like, these are little touch points that probably don't make a big difference in the time that you spend or the way that you're actually living your life, but they have a huge impact on your overall health.

That is a really humbling idea to bump up against. And I, of course, as have so many of us, I have had dear, dear friends have this experience, and you can see them processing the, what the hell do I do now? I mean, talk about having the carpet ripped out from underneath you. So the first thing that I would. I would want to say is, I am so sorry that that is the external force that you are dealing with. And there is so much now for you to consider in your circle of influence and your circle of control, possibly for the first time.

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. And I think that that word control ends up being the most relevant thing because we all have so much more control than we think. And we can create our reality, and we can create the reality that we want, but I do think that we need to be respectful of the seasons. Right. As you said, and. And know that there are going to be things that we cannot control, but that we may be able to influence. And if we cannot influence them, we can accept them and adapt. So I love your plan. I love the fact that you came on and shared with us your secret to winning. Right. And you do talk about the fact that you don't always win, and I love that, too.

Listen, when you meet her, you let me know. I want to talk to her.

Yeah, yeah, Right. But even when we don't win, we learn. And I think we learn so much more from our failures than we learn from our successes.

Jen, I have a limited run podcast that I have started because why would I not add another one? And it's called the Other side of Success. And I interview people for this exact reason. I have talked to extremely successful people, objectively successful by every measure of people. And the whole purpose of the conversation is for them to share a failure that shaped their lives. And so there's a woman who ignored her intuition and was kidnapped by Somali pirates in Africa.

Oh, I did not see that coming.

Yeah, yeah. Surprise. And there is a man who thought he failed because as a paraplegic, he needed a tiny bit of assistance to summit Mount Kilimanjaro. I'M out here just like trying to drink enough water and breathe through my nose, you know what I mean? And like get enough sleep, like trying to eat right. It's extremely humbling. But the reason I share that with you, Jen, is because there's one thing that's been made very, very clear to me. And as someone who is raised to be achievement oriented, as someone who you could reasonably call a type, so to speak, this was a really worthwhile lesson for me. And that is that every failure you survive is a teacher. Every failure you survive is a teacher. And so for anyone out there who I would not say getting a diagnosis is a failure, but certainly we can understand how it is a complete kick to the stomach. And at the same time, we are with people like you and with technology, like what you espouse, there is so much more opportunity now than there ever has been to be a victor in the face of those circumstances. And so I would just leave with you ladies. You are so worth investing in. You are so worth pausing for oneself and saying, what do I need? I know there's all the should things. I know I should do. I know I should do. I should. What do I need? Need. Make a list. Make a good old fashioned list. Circle two things you're going to start with tomorrow. Maybe it's a 15 minute walk around the neighborhood and maybe it's going to bed 15 minutes earlier. I want, I just challenge you to think of the smallest first thing. The smallest first thing.

Yeah. And know that, that small things matter. And anyone who thinks differently, think about sleeping with a mosquito in the room. Small things matter.

Ella.

This was an amazing conversation and one that we need to have because women need to know that you are entitled to have a life. You are entitled to take care of yourself. You are entitled to provide for yourself. And it doesn't matter mean that you're neglecting the rest of your world. It means that you're adding to the rest of your world. You're adding you to the rest of your world. So I'm sure everyone enjoyed this. Where can they hear more of you?

Oh, I'm on air with Ella, anywhere you look. So thank you, Jen.

Yeah, it was such a pleasure to have you. I'm sure this is one of many conversations that we're to going to be having in the future. If you liked this conversation, please like it, share it, send us a comment, let us know what you what you want to know. And know that I will be back next week, same time, same place. It's Dr. Jen. Bye for now, Thank you for tuning in to the Keeping Abreast podcast with me, Dr. Jen Simmons. I hope today's episode has inspired you and equipped you with valuable insights to take control of your breast health and overall well being. If you found our conversation enlightening, please consider liking and sharing this podcast. Every like share and comment helps us to reach more listeners just like you who are on a journey to better health. Let's spread the word and make a collective impact. If you or anyone you know is dealing with a breast cancer diagnosis, I highly recommend picking up a copy of my best selling book, the Smart Woman's Guide to Breast Cancer. It's designed to guide you through understanding the root causes of breast cancer and provides you the tools you need to navigate the complexities of a breast cancer diagnosis, the complexities of treatment, and all the while providing you the tools you need to reclaim your health. If you or someone you know is navigating a breast cancer diagnosis and seeking integrative, personalized care, Visit us@realhealthmd.com We're here to support you every step of the way. Also, for those interested in the latest breast screening technology that's safe, painless and accurate, be sure to check out perfectionimaging.com and remember, perfection is spelled with a QT in the middle. Our innovative approach is forever changing the way that we think about and conduct breast cancer screenings. Remember, health is a journey, not a destination. I'm honored to be part of your journey towards health. Stay tuned for our next episode. And until then, remember, breast health is healthy.