17. Navigating Female Friendships

Did you know that having women in your life plays a key role in how long you'll live? Research has shown that women who have female friendships live longer than women who do not. And similarly, men who have female friendships live longer than men who don't. But interestingly, having male relationships does not appear to have that same effect. Today, you you're going to learn about the mystical world of navigating female relationships. We're going to talk about how to determine who should be let in your life and who should not. We're also going to talk about when it's worth the effort to repair and what you should do if you need to simply cut your losses and release. Lastly, we're going to dig into 20 signs your girlfriend is toxic and what to do about it. Welcome to my podcast. I'm Dr. Nicole Cain, a naturopathic doctor with a master's in clinical psychology and a former anxiety sufferer turned anxiety freedom rebel. Two weeks before my wedding, my best friend and maid of honor called me and told me she was backing out of our friendship and my wedding. Two weeks babes, she said, I can't care for you anymore. That was her explanation. I remember pleading and crying and begging for her forgiveness for anything I had done to upset her. And after 30 minutes, our conversation ended and we haven't spoken since. All of these years later, part of me still feels so shocked and hurt, and another part feels relieved. But really, the predominant feeling is gratitude. And I know that sounds like a bunch of crap, and trust me, that was not how I felt initially. It's taken a lot of time to get there and a lot of therapy. But let me explain more. I can't imagine how my life would be if I was still in this friendship. Reflecting back, I see all of the microaggressions, the subtle messaging, and the psychological melodrama. But at the time, my nose was so close to the bark of the tree that I had no idea the tree was covered in poison ivy. Unfortunately, that's how I roll. My intuition will speak to me in a whisper, and I turn up the volume of the radio. My nature is to let everyone into my protective house. I want to fling open the door wide open and plaster a sign in the window saying all are welcome. And then the misanthropes loot my kitchen, eat my organic potato chips, and set the couch on fire. Metaphorically speaking, I learned the hard way that the cast of characters in my life had the potential to create a story of tragedy or a tale of triumph. And now, when I look back at my wedding pictures, I feel so grateful there is no tragedy there. By some sort of intervention from the universe. Two weeks before my wedding day, my sheet of stained glass was smacked by a hammer so hard that I had nothing to do but pick up the remains and create something new. And that's what I did. And smiling back at me in those photographs are my most beloved friends, my husband, and my family. And that, my loves, is why I'm grateful. Because I'm making a damn good piece of art. And I'm going to help you do the same. So we're going to begin by learning how to demystify your cast of characters, and we're going to get clarity from the start. I'm going to walk you through an exercise I created called the House of Boundaries, and then we're going to talk about what to do when things go south. I'm going to share with you the toxic friendship litmus test that I wish I had known about years ago. And lastly, I'm going to introduce you to something so amazing that you're going to want to stick around to the end. If you're wondering how the heck to turn the page, I've got six fast tips waiting for you. Demystifying your cast of characters. Getting clarity from the start we are intimately impacted by those who surround us. This includes family, friends, colleagues, and even our communities. Our brains are wired this way. In fact, let me share with you a few fascinating psychological experiment in the 1960s, psychologist Albert Bandura conducted a series of groundbreaking social experiments called the Bobo Doll Experiments. Have you heard of it? Throughout his studies, Bandura discovered something incredibly important. Our behavior and thoughts and feelings are directly impacted by our social environment. In these studies, researchers observed children's behavior towards a Bobo doll under two main circumstances. The first, children watched a video of an adult being violent towards the doll. And in the second group, the children watched a video of an adult being friendly with the Bobo doll. The results showed that children's behavior mimicked the behavior modeling they had been primed with. So this means that if the kid saw an adult being violent with a Bobo doll and then the kid was to be able to hang out with the Bobo doll, that kid was more likely to be violent like the adult, as opposed to the kids who saw nice interactions. This experiment was the springboard of an entire branch of psychology called social psychology. Social psychology believes that if you are surrounded by people who are anxious, you are more likely to be anxious. If the people in your life constantly tear you down, your psyche will likely do the same to you. Contrastingly, if the people you surround yourself with are confident and build each other up, you will more likely feel confident and build yourself up. Your social surroundings are profoundly pivotal. Think of it this way. Your cast of characters all play a part in writing your story. So let's start by talking about what you want by taking a look at the exercise that I call the House of Boundaries. After this, we will touch on radical acceptance and then we'll go over the toxic friendship litmus test and signs. It's time to move on. So the first thing is cable, which represents the key to your house. The first step is to decide who are you going to open your doors to. You need to decide what the requirements are for a person to have access to you at a deeper level to have access to coming into your house. I did the House of Boundaries exercise with a high achieving Ivy League student several years ago and I want to share with you a mnemonic that we use to help her remember the criteria. Cable stands for Communication, awareness, boundaries, listen and empathy. She drew her House of Boundaries with a red cable and had a heart hanging on it that crossed over the front door. If someone had the keys to cable, then she would let them into the living room. Otherwise they had to stay in the front porch. Or some people she'd actually boot off the porch and send them across the street. So let's start with communication. Communication means that the person has to attentively listen to you and be able to communicate their feelings and listen to you as you communicate yours. If there's conflict, the person will communicate effectively and listen effectively. The opposite of communication is stonewalling or suppressing or yelling, blaming, criticizing. Awareness means the person has to be aware of their needs as well as yours. This rules out individuals with a narcissistic tendency whose emotional energy is focusing on their own needs only. So your person, in order to come through your cable, has to be emotionally aware of themselves and you boundaries. This person has to respect your boundaries and have their own boundaries. Because if someone can't even respect their own boundaries, the odds are that they're not going to respect yours. If a person doesn't have their boundaries, they may not realize the importance of honoring those of another. The opposite of boundaries looks like boundary pushing or not taking no for an answer, pressing, pleading over disclosing, sharing your secrets, listening. Someone needs to be able to listen and not just talk. To listen means to attend to another needs with attentive curiosity. So when you're talking, are they paying attention? Are they just texting on their phone? Or are they doing something else? Playing a video game? Walking away? Or are they just waiting for to stop talking so they can talk? Listening also includes taking feedback to heart and making changes that feel appropriate and correct. The opposite of listening is ignoring and rejecting, changing the subject or maybe even avoiding having a conversation to begin with. And like we said, doing other tasks and just not paying attention during important conversations. And then Empathy. The person who comes into your house and into your heart should have empathy and caring and compassion and respect for the owner of the house. For you. Empathy is not the same as sympathy. Empathy is where we put ourselves in another person's shoes and truly endeavor to feel what they feel. Sympathy is feeling pity or sorrow for another person and that's a more of a removed feeling. The opposite of empathy would be apathy or indifference or a lack of interest in you. People who come into your house should have empathy for you. So the next step is house tour. First we have across the street. This is for people who have no right being anywhere near you, near your house, near your loved ones. And these are people who are not safe for you, people who have wronged you, and people who you need to protect yourself from. Usually if someone was placed across the street, it was for a darn good reason. And often those reasons do not change. The front porch. The front porch is a place where the mail courier can go, pizza delivery driver, strangers and acquaintances. This is where they can be found. Social interactions are casual and light. Even if these people overshare with you, you do not reciprocate with equal vulnerability. You reserve that type of sharing for people in your house. You do not know the backgrounds and the internal motivations of front porch people. They have not gone through or satisfied cable criteria. And while you can be sweet and generous and kind, you need to be protective of your privacy on the porch. The porch is also for individuals who were in your house in the past and who lost their privileges by either betraying you or lagging on the cable criteria. The living room. The living room is a place where people can hang out. You can watch football or hgtv, eat food or even play Twister. This is a room where you can invite good people into your home and share some laughs. These people have satisfied the cable criteria because they got through the cable into the living room. The living room is for people who you want to let in. They seem trustworthy and safe and they're open with you, but you're still scoping them out a little bit. This is A room for new relationships that seem really great and who pass the cable with flying colors. Give it at least a month in the living room before promoting them to a kitchen, and then at least a month in the kitchen before promoting them to the bedroom. The kitchen. I think of the kitchen as a place where your tribe comes together. They share a meal, they talk about important topics. These are your people. This may include friends, spiritual advisors, family, whether blood or by choice. Of course, family can be tricky, right? And just because you're related to someone does not automatically qualify them for kitchen status. Lots of family members belong across the street. It's especially important to be clear on our boundaries with our family members, because remember, this is your house, your rules, your bedroom. The bedroom is the deepest and most intimate room in your house. This is the room where you share your vulnerability, your trauma, your sexuality, your secrets. If you even let someone in your bedroom, it should take time for them to get there. And they have to understand how sacred this room is. They have to own it and cherish it, protect it and honor it. And some of us don't ever let people in our bedrooms. And that's okay. And sometimes sacred is meant to be just that, sacred when people come knocking. How to navigate house applicants when assembling your cast, there are three key things to keep in mind. Number one is everyone's needs are as important as yours. This is about a good fit for you and for your friends and family themselves. Number two, accept that people continuously grow and change. Some will change jobs, change relationships, perspectives, have children, lose children, endure loss or tragedy. Being in the tide and rolling with the waves is an important and solid part of a relationship. And as your people evolve, make sure that their evolution still fits into your value systems. And number three, everyone deserves radical acceptance, regardless if they're on the front porch or in the bedroom. Do not accept someone into your house and then later impose your preferences on them. Make a conscious choice to see your friend for who she or he is and accept them as that. Remember, how they show up in the world has nothing to do with you, and it is not your job to change them. You get to decide if their way of being in the world gels with how you want to be in the world, or if it doesn't. House rules rule number one, People cannot go from the porch to the bedroom. They have to earn their way by sequentially going through each room and demonstrating safety in each level of intimacy before progressing to the next. Rule number two, do not rush through house rooms. Give it at least a month before promoting someone to a deeper level of intimacy. Rule number three if any of the cable rules are broken, demote the person to the front porch, step back and reassess the relationship. Rule number four the House of Boundaries is not intended to be a weapon or a threat. It is intended to give yourself a visual on where you are in your relationship boundaries. This means that it may not be necessary or even helpful to tell people where they are in your house of Boundaries. Make it your own. There is no right or wrong way to do a House of Boundaries. This is an evolving process. Allow yourself flexibility and see what feels right. We all need relationships and sometimes finding the right people is the hardest part. I get that and I want you to know you're not alone. I've gone through seasons in my life where I felt really isolated and creating an intentional community was a lifesaver. Did you know we have a free and private community group? I created it with the heart of giving us all a place where we can be authentic, meet amazing warriors from around the world and have a place to share, share life and support others. One of the things that sets this group apart is that as a member you will have complimentary access to dedicated content Founded in my training as a clinical counselor and a naturopathic doctor. To find the group, go to Facebook and type Anxiety Freedom One Week Challenge in the search bar. The Anxiety Freedom One Week Challenge is a welcome gift that I created, which has 14 tips for anxiety freedom, including daily videos and a beautiful booklet. And it's all free. I can't wait to meet you and learn how I can support you better. Simply open up facebook.com and search for anxiety freedom one week challenge when Things Turn Sour Repair or Release when things turn sour, you are presented with an opportunity to grow as a person. Be open to new experience, but always remain true to your convictions and your values. There's a bit of a gray area in this, right? The clearer you are on who you are and where you stand, the easier it will be to navigate being in the gray. Depth of clarity through personal development and exploration. Exploration will guide you in if you should pursue resolution or release, if a person satisfies your cable criteria, and if the relationship is important, valuable, and worthy of your emotional and mental energy. Wisely pursuing repair can actually result in a stronger friendship. Here are my top five tips for friendship. Number one Sleep on it when conflict arises, our nervous system goes into autonomic arousal. Autonomic arousal is a state our body enters when there is a perceived threat. When in this state the higher order logical centers of the brain turn down and the emotional centers of the brain get turned up. Making important decisions during this time is not likely to get you the results you're looking for in the long term, so I always recommend giving yourself some time to decompress and waiting to talk until you have calmed down. Number two is to acknowledge your feelings. You can do this by talking with a counselor, brain dump, journaling, or writing a letter that you will never send. These strategies will help you release the good, the bad, the ugly without making it someone else's problem. Do your own work and then when you feel calm and composed, talk with your friend. Number three, Be intentional with your communication with your friend. I always start with what I call a volley up. This is where you ask for permission to have a conversation with the other party. Set up a time in advance that works for both of you and being intentional on creating a setting where you can both feel heard. When you speak with your friend, share your positive feelings with them first and then express your perspective using I feel statements. And then lastly, invite them to speak. Let me give you an example. I very much value your friendship. We have walked each other through some pretty amazing adventures. There's something I want to talk about so I can clarify whether or not I'm writing a story in my mind and better understand your thoughts and feelings about the matter. I felt hurt when you said and that's where we insert the feeling. And then you can finish with Did I misunderstand your comment? Number four. Actively listen to their response. Look them in the eyes. Make sure your body language conveys that you're listening to them and hearing them with respect. Do not interrupt. And when they finished, summarize what you're understanding. Here's two examples. The first is an example of an emotionally charged, impulsive exchange. The second example is where repair strategies are used. Example number one. You say you really embarrassed me at the team meeting when you said my proposal sounded archaic. Your friend may respond also impulsively. It's like walking on eggshells with you. Your idea was archaic. You wanted to use old and outdated technology. In this example, the blame is placed on the other person and emotions are being escalated, resulting in attacking and furthering negative feelings. Here's an alternative example Number two. You may say, I felt embarrassed and hurt when you said my proposal sounded archaic at the team meeting last week. Did I misunderstand your comment? And then your friend may respond saying, I was trying to provide feedback on how some of the technology we're talking about has been updated. I meant to add to your statement by sharing some new things I had learned. You could further clarify by saying so what I hear you saying is that you were trying to be helpful by sharing new information you had learned. In this example, you're owning your reaction to an event or conversation and are seeking additional understanding of your friend's intentions and motives. And this approach keeps the conversation cleaner. And while you're sharing how you feel, you're also allowing your friend to recognize how they came across. Number five is to be prepared for a positive or negative outcome. Remember, this isn't just about you. It's about you and your friend. And sometimes repair is simply not an option. This may be due to an impasse and a conflict. The other person may be not willing to work on repair or there's so much damage to the relationship that it's not worth what it would take to repair. Maybe you and your friend have grown apart, or maybe the pros for staying in the friendship don't outweigh the cons. Regardless of why, sometimes releasing relationships is the biggest act of grace you can give yourself and and the other person. And this is why we need to talk about release. Release is about letting go. Release is where you realize every relationship has a reason, a season and a time, and acknowledging that this relationship has run its course. Sometimes the hardest part in releasing a relationship is making the decision, and then we have to stick to your convictions. Sometimes the need for release is big and glaringly obvious. Other times it's a whisper that sneaks up on you. I've created a toxic friendship litmus test for those relationships where you're not sure if you should stay or if it's time to move on. The Toxic Friendship Litmus Test Below is a list of 20 key indicators that you're in a toxic relationship. Examine this list carefully, and if you answer yes to four or more of the below examples, it's quite likely you're in a toxic friendship. If you don't catch everything that I'm saying to you in this podcast, don't worry, I'm going to have it written out for you. In the blog that goes to this podcast, there are 20 so number one is they use language like I don't even know why we're friends or I don't know why you want to be friends with me, or I don't know why I want to be friends with you. It's questioning the relationship like that. And number two is they threaten abandonment if there's any confrontation or conflict. Number Three, they're unable to take constructive criticism. Number four, they go behind your back, for example, sharing private information or saying negative things about you, spreading rumors. Number five, they have a victim mentality. It's always about them. They're the victim. Things are doing, they're being wronged, things are going against them. Number six, it's all about them. They take more than they give. For example, conversations tend to center around them. Number seven, they're obsessively needy. Number eight, they're overly critical of you or constantly put you down. Number nine, they hold a grudge and bring up things from the past, even after they've been discussed and worked on. Number 10, they have a track record of broken relationships or extreme relationships with really high highs and really bad low crashes. Similarly to that is number 11, there's a whole lot of drama. Wherever that person goes, drama seems to follow. Number 12 is they're jealous of your other relationships. Number 13, they try to control you. Number 14 is they secretly or not so secretly copycat you? Number 15, they're hypocritical. They expect things from you that they themselves are not accountable to. Number 16, they're dishonest with you and or others. Number 17, they try to push your boundaries and don't take no for an answer. Number 18 is you feel stress in your body associated with this friendship. Number 19, your other friends and family members have concerns about this friendship. And number 20, you feel emotionally drained after time with this person. What was your score out of 20? If there's anything above 4, then it's very likely you're in a toxic friendship. So if that's the case, we're going to go on to the next section, which is cutting your losses. Six tips on how to move on if you've decided it's time to release and move on, babe, it can be difficult and there will be times where you doubt whether or not you've made the right decision. But it's normal to feel preoccupied. It's normal to doubt yourself when a relationship has ended. This person may have left behind a mountain of hurt feelings, memories both good and bad and inevitable. Big gaping holes where they had been woven into the fabric of your life. Babes expect your mood to fluctuate as your mind and emotions adapt to this new normal. My favorite tip for acknowledging the loss of a relationship is doing Impact Journaling. And this is the really exciting thing that I was excited to share with you that's coming right here, right now at the end of this podcast. Impact Journaling is where we just straight up write how the person impacted our life, the good, the bad, and everything in between. And I've broken this down into six steps. Impact stands for six things. Illuminate, major and minor. Physical knowing, acceptance, clear boundaries, and transformation. You're going to need four pieces of paper. So you can pause the podcast now, or if you're ready to go, let's jump in. Okay. Illuminate in impact journaling. Illuminate. Get out your first piece of paper. And the first step of impact journaling is to illuminate the impact a relationship has had on you, both positively and negatively. To do this, first draw two columns. In the left column, write the positive aspects of the friendship, and in the right column, write a list of the negative aspects. If you need more time, hit the pause button and then we'll come back. Number two. Next, get your second piece of paper and write down what you're looking for in your friendships. This list will be comprised of major criteria and minor criteria. Circle the major criteria. These are the non negotiables. For example, if you value honesty as an absolute necessity in your relationships, this is a major criterion. If having a mutual interest in bowling is only minimally important, that's a minimal or minor criterion. So circle all of your major criterion. Hit the pause button if you need more time. Number three is physical knowing. Go back to your original list on that first piece of paper and see how things line up. Notice how you feel when you look at the columns reflecting your friendship versus the description of your desired cast of characters that you wrote on the second piece of paper. How do you feel in your body as you look at these lists? Now on a third piece of paper, write down how you feel and what you notice in your body when you look at these. Your body has a physical knowing, which often has the answers long before we do. The journey of navigating relationships is at a deeper level, a journey of learning to trust your knowing. And number four is accept. Radical acceptance is a conscious choice from the depth of your soul to simply acknowledge reality regardless of whether we like it or not. It is a choice to stop resisting what we cannot change and to stop fighting with reality and choosing instead to release the need for control through illumination of everything you feel deep down. And listening to your physical knowing, you will have the opportunity to make the right decision for yourself going forward, including adjusting your expectations and auditing your boundaries. And number five is clear boundaries. Creating clear boundaries is a way to protect yourself and others. On your fourth and last piece of paper, draw a floor plan of your house. Include the front porch. Draw the cable across the front door to represent the criteria to get into your house. Draw the living room, the kitchen, and bedroom. Write your boundaries and expectations for yourself and the guests that are allowed in each room. Remember, the porch is for acquaintances like a delivery driver. These are people that you are kind to and with but don't let in. The living room is for casual friendships, who you trust and who have passed the cable criteria. The kitchen is for deeper intimacies, people with whom you can share the most private information about yourself. And the bedroom is the most intimate room in your house and this room is only reserved for you and the most tried and true relationships. Sometimes the bedroom is just you and that's okay. Once you've identified your house, each of its rooms, and the expectations of these rooms, look at the first three pieces of paper and ask your physical Knowing where this friend belongs? Maybe they were in your kitchen, but do they still belong there? What would it take for them to stay in your house? What would you need to see change in you and in your friendship? The last one is Tools for Transformation. This is the T in Impact. Transformation comes from intentionality and change to your life. You often have to change how you function to in your relationships and what your boundaries are to transform. So make a decision on how you would like to proceed with this friendship. Create clear boundaries in advance. Assign the friend to a place in your house of boundaries and get clarity on what that would look like going forward and stay firm in your decision. Remember, sometimes that means walking away and not looking back. Write this on your house of boundaries. Drawing and Releasing Sometimes creating a ritual for release is a powerful way to create closure. If you need to release the drama, release the tragedy, release the stress, release the anger, the resentment, the hurt, the feelings of betrayal. They don't belong to you any longer. Send it into the universe and let it go. Hey everyone, thanks for listening. This has been Dr. Nicole Caine. If you love what you're hearing and are eager for more, please hit the subscribe button. It helps me know that what we're doing is valuable for you. And if you want more free information on how to get your life back, check out my website@www.Dr.nicolecane.com. you can send questions and learn about consulting with me directly and even preview our online courses. We also have a free and private Facebook membership group. Simply go to Facebook and search for Anxiety Freedom One Week Challenge. I'd love to meet you and learn more about how to support you in getting your life back. And now for the disclaimer.

The recording you just listened to consists of the personal opinions of Dr. Nicole Caine, a naturopathic doctor with a master's in clinical psychology. While these opinions are based upon literature, her counseling education, medical training, and clinical experience, this content should not be viewed as the definitive opinion on these subjects. Listening to this podcast is not a substitute for any sort of medical, psychological, or other form of treatment. If you are in a Crisis, please call 911 or call the National Suicide Prevention Line at 1-800-273-8255. If you're in need of counseling, don't hesitate to make an appointment with a counselor in your area. Dr. Nicole Cain is so passionate about people getting their life back. If this resonates with you and you think this podcast would help someone you love, please share it with them. Stay in the conversation with Dr. Nicole Caine about writing the next chapter of your life so that it plays out just the way you want it. Explore your options for working with her at www. Dr. Nicolecane.com that's Dr. D R Nicole N I C O L E Cain c-a I N.com when you're there, be sure to take advantage of the Free Anxiety Freedom one week challenge. We look forward to seeing you on the next episode of the get your life Back podcast. Here's to your next chapter.