25. An Honest Conversation about the Reality of Death

Welcome to my podcast. I'm Dr. Nicole Cain, a naturopathic doctor with a master's in clinical psychology and a former anxiety sufferer turned anxiety freedom rebel. Hey, babes. Today is a topic that is coming straight from my heart and I wanted to share kind of what I'm experiencing right now with you guys. I share my more personal stuff over on my Instagram and I keep Facebook more. It's like all about what kind of information I can get out there for you. And this topic is really important and I wanted to share it with you today. And I ask of my clients, my consultees, to be honest and authentic with me. And I want to do that for you and kind of share with you where I am. And so hang out and let's have some tea and let's just chat. And we're going to be talking about death today. And so if that's a difficult activating topic for you, then maybe you hit the pause button on this video and smash. Save it for a time where it feels good and safe. And on the other hand, if you're ready to just be in this space a little bit, I'm going to be here with you and I have my tea and we're going to just hang out and I want to share with you a little bit about what's going on in my world and what am I doing about it, what am I doing with it as an integrative mental health expert and of feeling, thinking human. And so I want you to know, as we're getting started, a couple of things. And one is that you're not alone. If you're afraid of death, if you're afraid of getting sick, if you're afraid of losing somebody that you love, human or animal, or if you're dealing with loss and grief. And if you know somebody or somebody that you very much loved or cared for has passed or is in the process, then know that you're not alone and that we're here and I'm with you and I care. And so today I want to get real with the reality of death. And it came up for me in a really real way. A week ago, my grandfather, he suddenly, unexpectedly passed. And so we weren't prepared. It felt like very out of the blue. He was lucid one moment and. And then the next moment he was gone. And when that happens, it can activate a lot of feelings inside of us. Right? Have you lost somebody that you love? And what did you experience? I know for me, there were all of these layers that were suddenly activated And I do a lot of work with ego states. And ego state is a form of understanding and treatment that considers the totality of our cast of characters, all the different parts of ourselves. And when we have an event in our lives that's significant, all of ourselves are impacted by it. And so that's the same with grief. And so I get this news of my grandfather's passing, and all of my ego states are becoming activated. There's part of me that feels so desperately sad, another part that feels numb, another part that starts to think about my own mortality and becomes afraid and confused. And these parts that are angry and frustrated with the medical community, and why didn't they do something different? Why weren't they taking better care of them? And so all of these feelings coming up, anxiety, anger, fear, grief, sadness, denial, numbness, all of these things. And I had four days to decide what I was going to do about it. So I come from a Missouri Synod Lutheran family in the Midwest. And so if any of you come from that culture, you totally get it. It's very matriarchy, patriarchy based. It's based on culture. Like, this is what we do. You do what the adults say. You follow these guidelines, you follow these rules. These are the expectations. And this is how we deal with these different things. This is how we deal with birth. This is how we deal with marriage. This is how we deal with death. They were planning this Missouri Synod funeral service, and they gave me four days to get there and to decide if I'm going to get there. What do we do with that? How do we handle something like this, especially considering that we can't grieve the same way. We're in the middle of a pandemic, and I'm in Arizona and it's a hotspot. And so suddenly all of this data is confusing. So we have all of our parts coming up. We have all of these cast of characters of society that are coming up, our expectations from our loved ones, expectations from our culture, expectations of doing the right thing based on our religion or our history. And it feels like there's no right answer. And the prospects are terrifying regardless. So what do we do about death? How do we handle it? Do we ignore it? Do we dread it? Do we try to prevent it? Do we fight against it? Do we face it? What do we do? What is the answer? Because when we're writing our stories, we know that one of the chapters will ultimately result in the end of that story. And that could be really scary, right? And sometimes I know that when I've read a book if I know that the ending is gonna be sad or tragic, like when I read Romeo and Juliet in high school, I was like, oh, I don't wanna finish this. It's so beautiful and wonderful right now. But the story has to end, it has to transition, it has to change. And so, as we're creating meaning and we're living our days and we're living with the passing of time and we're turning the pages, we can ask ourselves, what really happens? What does it mean? What do we do with it? And so, as I was thinking about talking with you about this getting real, having tea, talking about my experience, talking about this really big and difficult topic, I thought of four things I wanted to share with you. Four things. One is that you don't have to grieve in the same way as your family. You don't have to grieve in a certain way. There are no rules for grieving. The. The bars off. There's no obligations for you. You don't have to grieve in the same way as other people. That's number one. Number two, it is okay to prioritize your needs when you're suffering a loss. And that's a big one for me. You don't have to prioritize other people. It's okay to prioritize yourself. And I'll tell you more about my experience with that in a moment. But number three is to know that death is inevitable and we have to face it and we have to deal with it, and you don't have to deal with it alone. And then number four is you don't have to be afraid. And I'm going to tell you why. So let's start with number one, you don't have to grieve in the same way as your family. And that was really huge for me because like I said, my family has this set of expectations of this is what you do, this is how you do it, this is when you do it. And if you don't do this, then you're turning your back on culture, you're turning your back on family, you're turning your back on respect. And I've been called all sorts of things, like selfish, I've been told that I'm narcissistic, and all sorts of things by people who didn't appreciate and like the choices that I made. But what I want you to know is that you do not have to grieve in the same way as other people. That it is your choice how you grieve Some people feel angry and they feel that they need to just go out and just like, punch a cactus. Some people feel a gaping hole in their heart and they just need to find fill it with other relationships. Some people feel emptiness that feels like a bottomless well and they just need to cry and lay in that solitude. Other people feel terrified and some feel happy and they celebrate someone's celestial reassignment, while others may just fall into intense despair. And you know what? All of that is okay. And the other thing is that with grief is that we can't put an end date on when grieving appropriate. So many people talk to me about, okay, you have a diagnosis of bereavement, you've grieved. When do we change that diagnosis to major depression or generalized anxiety? And we're so hung up on putting labels on things and then diagnosing those things and then creating expectations on what is normal and what is okay. And if we just get back to the humanity and identify that our world is never going to be the same, this person having been in it and this person having transitioned out of it, and it's okay to be sad, it's okay to be scared and angry, and it's okay to grieve and take all the time that you need. If that means months, if that means years, maybe the rest of your life you'll grieve in some way and that's okay. And you don't have to grieve in the same way that your family tells you to. Whatever you feel, that's right. It's how you need to feel. And how you feel should inform how you grieve. As my family was grieving, my grandfather, the way that they celebrated his life was a comfort to them that had been created by years that was set aside by the church, by the Missouri Synod, Lutheran doctrines, and that's what they needed. But not everyone needs the same thing. And this is where we come to point number two. And this is that I want you to prioritize and I want you to know that it is important to prioritize your needs when you're suffering a loss. And remember that you lost a loved one too. This isn't about your family or your community or your feelings. This is about that person and celebrating how much you love them. And sometimes the deeper the grief, the deeper the love, right? So how do you deal with people putting their expectations on you? You have to know where you stand. You have to know what you need. You have to know where you're where willing to Draw that line and know that you are the only one that's responsible for how you feel and you alone. And that other people have to be responsible for their feelings and their emotions, and they may try to put that onto you. But I want you to think about that old child mantra that we said when we were little. I'm rubber, you're glue. Whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you. And as I was making this decision about how to grieve my father, my grandfather is, I remembered that. I remembered that I am responsible for my own grief, not theirs. I need to do what feels best to celebrate the love, the depth, the importance and the respect and honor of this person and to make sure I know where I draw the line. And I knew that by making the decision not to fly across the country in a pandemic and go to a Missouri Senate funeral, that it would make me wildly unpopular with my family, that they may feel really angry and hurt, and maybe they're going to choose to not speak with me, but I'm responsible for me. And so I want you to know that sometimes making the choice to take care of yourself will make you wildly unpopular. People may call you selfish. They may call you a narcissist. Like I said, I've been called that by people who were unhappy with me, taking care of me. People are going to have lots of things to say, but know that it's important to honor your needs, honor your personal limits and stick by that. This means that you need to rally your support, your tribe, your people. Seek out caring people who have got your back, whether they're friendships, spiritual members of your community, counselors, doctors, somebody that you trust who can support you and buoy you and hold you up. Because right now, if you're going through a loss or a grieving, you need that support. You deserve that support, and you're worthy of that support. Don't bury it inside. Don't let it be buried with the loss of the person that you love. Honor it. Honor the feelings that are coming up for you because they're so very valid. My love death is inevitable, and most of us, to some degree, are terrified. But I want you to know that you don't have to be terrified. I was talking with somebody about this topic, and she talked about the difference between being terrified of losing someone we love versus being terrified of us passing away when we're older and what that will look like when it will happen. But then there's also the terror of, could it be around the corner? What if I'm young and something happens, something tragic. And what. What do I do about that? How do I reconcile all of that uncertainty and will I be prepared and what will it be like? And the really important thing about fear, fear and anxiety and uncertainty, is that it's an internal part. It's a feeling, it's an experience that is asking you to pay attention. And so when you have those doubts, when you have that fear, when you have those feelings, turn and look your anxiety in the eye and say, I hear you. I hear you. And come alongside it and honor it and respect it and tell it. You know what? I don't have all of the answers, but not alone. We've got this. We're in this moment right now. We're not in the future, but we will be in the future one day. And that time will take care of itself. And I'm with you right now. There's an ego state exercise that I like to do for this, where I imagine the parts of me and we go and we sit around a bonfire. I love to be outside and sitting at the campfire. And so I imagine I have that feeling of grief. I think about my grandfather and the memories, and I imagine that I'm sitting at a campfire surrounded by all my other parts, my different ages, my feelings, myself. And we talk about what we're feeling, we talk about what we're thinking, and we talk about our fears and our anxieties, our insecurities, our joys, our triumphs, all of the things talk about those with your parts. You could do this in a meditation. You can do this in hypnosis. You can do this in trauma work. It's powerful work. And being with ourselves, being with our parts, the totality of all of them, can create a process of awareness, self solidarity, and commiseration. And then we know we're not alone. And there's something really neat I want to share with you that I found in my research and that nature has made dying beautiful. When I was little, dying was this weird, nebulous, scary thing. Someone was here. We had a Missouri civic service. That person was gone. The end. We don't talk about it. We stuff our feelings. Stuff. Stuff. Stuff that I'm a pro at stuffing. And it doesn't have to be that way. In fact, there are some cultures in different parts of the world where when somebody passes, they consider it a translocation. They consider it a celestial reassignment. And what we do know, even though all of that is different ways that people process and deal with death, Is that we do know from the research that nature has made dying beautiful. And I want to share with you. There's a step study, I have it pulled up here, it's from the University of Michigan. And these researchers found that when a person or an animal is passing, the areas of their brain light up and the brain releases neurochemicals that create beautiful images of light and colors. And that the brain goes into a state that's kind of like a dreamlike state where it's almost as though walking from a mist into sharpness and, and exhilaration. Then they did another study where they looked at individuals who had gone into this pre death state. They looked at the brain studies, they looked at the brain scans. We found these amazing things. And then they interviewed them. And 72% of people who were interviewed said that they had dreams or visions of reuniting with people who had already passed. 72%, 59% of people said they had vivid dreams of preparing to go somewhere. And 28% reflected on meaningful experiences from their past. And almost all of the participants studied were significantly less afraid of death. That really stuck out to me because if those people that were the closest to death, those people that were on the edge, that were in the process of transforming, transitioning, reassigning, if those people were less afraid of death having come to its door, then why am I afraid? Why am I so terrified? And it's because it's unknown, right? And so if we are willing to be in that space of uncertainty, into that space of unknowing, we can see that dying can be beautiful. The other thing I want to share is that we know. We know that there's something bigger than you, bigger than me, and we don't know what that is. And what I urge you to do as you're exploring this topic, as you're with yourself, with your parts, is to know that you have an opportunity in this lifetime to see what it feels like to know that there's something bigger to explore, what that looks like to you, Whether it's if you're religious or spiritual, a quantum physicist or a skeptic, we can all agree that there are things that we don't understand. And by looking at history, by reading the material of other people and looking at what we worldwide thinkers have come to, we see that it's a similar conclusion, that there's more than just materialism out there. There's more than just local consciousness disappearing. And that gives me a lot of peace. And as I think about my grandfather, I think about how as he was transitioning, that he was seeing light. And it fills me with emotion. I think about it, he was seeing light and he was seeing beauty. And if he's among those 72%, he was having visions of reuniting with people that had already passed before him. And maybe he was preparing to go somewhere and maybe he was reflecting on his past. And we know it was beautiful. That's what we know. And I know that when my time comes, it will be beautiful too. And I believe that there's something greater than me. And even if you're a nihilist, a monotheist, a polytheist, if you believe in God, the divine, the higher power, or if you, you're a mathematician, you can choose to take a statement of faith that there are things that we don't know and that sometimes that makes it okay. And as I, as I conclude, as we conclude, I want to share with you a study that I found that was so interesting because if you know a little bit about my history, so you know I'm a naturopathic physician, but you may not know that I come out of research based world. I did breast cancer research at the Baylor College of Medicine. I was actually doing tissue transplantation surgeries. And so I come from a very materialistic background. And so when I'm looking for answers, sometimes it's more compelling or interesting for me to look to mathematics and quantum physics and that kind of scientific exploration. And while I'm working on getting more into the spirit, spiritual, energetic, esoteric world, I really like it when mathematics confirms it. And so there's a study and the study really feels like a beautiful springboard off of something that I found. And so first of all I want to share with you Professor Robert Lansa. He says by treating space and time as physical things, science picks a completely wrong starting point for understanding the world. And so then I found an article where they took a different standpoint. And so what the article is entitled, it says, an approach to prove the existence of an afterlife by analyzing near death experience data with a mathematical logic. And I was like, oh, I've got to see this. Mathematics proving an afterlife like that seems, seems pretty out there. And so I read through this and I am not a mathematician, I'm not a quantum physicist, but there's a ton of information and it was beautiful. And I want to read you their conclusion. And as I finish up with this, as I finish up with this video, I want you to think about a couple of things. I want you to think about when you think of death when you think of your fear, when you think of those you've lost. When you think about all of the uncertainty. Is it anxiety about my health? Is it anxiety about my loved ones? Is it anxiety about the afterlife? Is it anxiety that there is no afterlife? Whatever it is, go to that place inside of yourself and get still and say, I see you. I'm ready to listen. What do you need me to know? And be with yourself. Be with your anxiety. Honor that space. And know that you and every single living thing that has come before you. Has been in this place before. And that we know death is beautiful. And so, as we close, I want to read to you what these modern mathematicians and physicists found. After doing all of these years of research, trying to approach the afterlife from a mathematical logical standpoint. And so what they're saying is that death is an illusion that arises in the human mind. According to this theory, consciousness exists out of the constraints and times of space. This statement supports the basic postulates of quantum physics. The latest multiverse and parallel universe concept, coming from quantum physics. Says that in depth, consciousness can never vanish. It is universal. According to this mathematical theory, a human brain is a perfect quantum computer. And the information stored in its consciousness is always there. Consciousness can be transferred after death of the body and consciousness, or quantum information is engaged with our universe. And consciousness exists infinitely. And so, my loves, whether it's finding a higher power through the divine, through mathematics, through your own spiritual encounters. Or through just resting in the knowledge that there is something creative greater than yourself, greater than me, greater than us here on this materialistic plane that we see rest in that peace. Honor those feelings. Respect your boundaries and your experience. And find your tribe. I love you. I'm with you. And I want to thank you so much for holding the space for me to talk with you about my personal experience. And to hold the space to hear about how I feel about death. And I would love to hear more about what you think, to hear more about thoughts that you've had, experiences that you've had. So that we can all buffet each other and be here in this life in such a rich and beautiful and powerful way. And so thank you. I am looking at these messages. And you guys are just such an encouragement to my soul. And thank you. So this has been Dr. Nicole. We have a ton of free resources for you. And if you're struggling and if you need support, get in our Anxiety Freedom warriors group. It's totally free. And when you join the group, we'll give you 14 tips on how to turn the page on stress, how to stop the cycle of anxiety and frustration and overwhelm. And it's totally free. And I created this resource knowing that we can't do this alone and that sometimes we just need a bit little bit of help. And so I got your back. So we'll get that information to you in the comments and I'll be here next week. And between now and then, if you need any extra support, if you're going through something, if you're grieving, send us a message and we'll make sure that we're here to support you in any way we can. All right, my loves, thank you for being here. I'll see you.

The recording you just listened to consists of the personal opinions of Dr. Nicole Kane, a naturopathic doctor with a Master's in Clinical psychology. While these opinions are based upon literature, her counseling education, medical training, and clinical experience, this content should not be viewed as the definitive opinion on these subjects. Listening to this podcast is not a substitute for any sort of medical, psychological or other form of treatment. If you are in a Crisis, please call 911-OR call the National Suicide Prevention Line at 1-800-273-8255. If you're in need of counseling, don't hesitate to make an appointment with a counselor in your area. Dr. Nicole Cain is so passionate about people getting their life back. If this resonates with you and you think this podcast would help someone you love, please share it with them. Stay in the conversation with Dr. Nicole Cain about writing the next chapter of your life so that it plays out just the way you want it. Explore your options for working with her at www. Dr. Nicolecane.com that's Dr. D R Nicole N I C O L E Cain C A I N When you're there, be sure to take advantage of the free Anxiety Freedom one week challenge. We look forward to seeing you on the next episode of the get your life Back podcast. Here's to your next chapter.