2. Permission for Joy: Learning to Deal With Anxiety and Hypervigilance

Who here has the type of anxiety that tells you that if you stay informed, hypervigilant and anxious, imagining every possible worst case scenario, that you will thereby ward off danger to yourself and loved ones? Is this powerful thinking bringing you safety and satisfaction? Or is it hijacking your happiness? Today's podcast is entitled Permission for For Joy. Welcome to my podcast. I'm Dr. Nicole Cain, integrative mental health doctor, consultant, author, founder of the ACT Method and expert in integrative approaches to anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder and trauma. You're going to learn about the wisdom of vitalistic and traditional medicine and we are going to deconstruct the latest in alternative and complementary research. Together we will explore the terrain of the human psyche as it relates to to the complex interweavings that impact your mental health? I'm going to teach you how to design your life and we will explore techniques for cultivation of emotional agility. If you're ready to turn the page and start the next chapter in your life, then let's get started. My brain is wired for magical thinking. Superstitious might be another word for it. In fact, there is a very strong part of me that believes if I allow myself to be truly relaxed and joyful, that something terrible is going to happen. This trait developed during childhood as an adaptation to a world that felt out of control. And it provided a sense of order and logic in circumstances where I felt powerless. Have you ever felt this way recently? This part of me made herself known in a way where I finally awakened. Which by the way is not a one time thing, but a rather an ever evolving process. I was in the car with my husband, the sun was shining, we were listening to one of my favorite songs and I felt it there in my chest, bubbling up for a mere breath before my protector part smashed it down. I would have almost missed it, but the stark contrast in my emotions caught my attention. What just happened? My thoughts had been floating out of my conscious awareness and I mindfully hit the rewind button. I had been swept away by the moment, by the light, the music, the freedom of the wind coming in the windows. And that bubbling feeling had been joy. But that moment was interrupted with the reality of the darkness taking place in the world. It brought me back to Earth. The thousands of people dying from COVID 19 suffering homelessness, murder, the world economy disintegrating. A black cloud covered the sunshine. Sometimes feeling happy feels dangerous. My part believed that if I was happy, then I was a bad person for not having empathy for the state of the world. It also Believed that if I relaxed that something even worse would than a worldwide pandemic would strike. If you resonate with this, no, you are not alone. In fact, your brain has been wired for danger and empathy. The joy crushing trait that is evolutionarily part of why your family tribe survives so long. And why you're having these existential musings with me today. Let me explain. Imagine you're a hunter gatherer, wandering the forest and picking berries for your family to eat. You're with another member of your community and she's picking berries too. Then behind you comes the low rumble of a mama bear. Having heard that sound once before and remembering a story from another who'd barely escaped a bear attack, you immediately abandon the berry picking mission and run for safety. Your compatriot, however, hadn't logged away that sound in her brain and she hadn't paid as much attention to the warnings from the community. And she's lost in her happy thoughts. And then became bear breakfast. People who are adept at identifying and responding to danger quickly were more likely to survive, as opposed to those who did not possess that ability. Your brain can instantly download something negative and frightening and stored as trauma. But it is much more difficult to integrate something positive. In fact, research has shown that it requires around 30 seconds of mindful focus for your brain to flag a thought or a moment as worth remembering. So if we go back to my moment in the car, there were two realities at play. The first was that the world was beautiful. The sun was bright, there was pleasing music, and I was with someone I loved. There was another reality and that was just as big. And yes, the reality was there was pain in the world, Suffering, grief, loss, tragedy and powerlessness. This, my love, is the quandary of the opposites. So how do we deal with this? I want you to notice the fearful part and say to the following part, say this. I have a part that has evolved to protect me and that part produces anxiety. While being hyper vigilant and anxious has been useful for me in the past, I know that I am only seeing part of the picture. As a truth seeker, I choose to acknowledge the opposites. Dear part, I am asking you to release your need to control me, to know that I'm strong and I have resources that you did not. And I'm asking you to trust me, that I can take care of us. I'm asking you permission for joy. Okay, love, I want you to do an exercise with me. If you can. Stop what you're doing and just take a moment. Look at Your right hand. In your right hand is the light. This is empowerment, confidence, peace, joy, laughter, all of the good things you can think of. These are the things of reality and they matter to you. For me, it was the sunshine, the windows down, my favorite song playing out the speakers. It was health, love, provision and my cavapushiva. What belongs in your right hand? I want you to notice it now. Next, look at your left hand. It represents the darkness. It holds suffering, pain, trauma, illness, injury, loss, fear, and all the suffering that you can imagine. Those things that are on your shoulders, these two are of reality and they matter to you. What belongs in your left hand? Notice that now you cannot have one without the other. Light cannot exist without darkness, and nor can darkness exist without light. Finally, hold your hands out before you and notice that they both carry truths. Integration and truth comes from holding the opposites. My younger part didn't know how to hold the opposites. Her response to chaos was to pursue rigidity. Others feel the pain so deeply that they have to suppress it. And we see these people as suffering from toxic happiness. I define toxic happiness as the overarching belief that pain is dangerous and must be suppressed for survival of the individual. And in response, the person forces themselves to only think positive and reject anything that could be labeled as negative. These are often people who give bad advice, like look at the bright side or don't be so negative or pull yourself up by your bootstraps, you'll be fine. I want to pause here and I want you to say the following out loud to yourself. Freedom comes from integration of the opposites. I can hold light and darkness at the same time. I'm going to say it again. Freedom comes from integration of the opposites. I can hold light and darkness at the same time. The second part of this conversation is to practice the art of partitioning. This is where the analogy of the spaghetti versus waffle brain comes handy. Spaghetti represents a brain where many thoughts and many topics are being processed at the same time. Spaghetti brains tend to be multitasking, busy or distractible. The waffle represents well demarcated times for thinking about specific chosen topics. When you want to think about anxiety, you jump into the anxiety waffle square. When you want to think about the beach, you jump into the beach Waffle square. Is your brain more noodley or more waffly? I want to give you some tips on waffle ifying your brain. This has many benefits and this can increase your ability to mindfully honor the space that you're choosing to dwell in and Then you can decide when you'd like to move on to another space as opposed to being hijacked by your parts. This is extrapolated from an exercise I teach in my course called the Anxiety Breakthrough Program, Create youe Happily Ever after with the ACT Method. And the exercise is called the Plot Line Pivot. And we're going to use the plot line pivot to practice the art of partitioning. Here's how it's done. We're going to create a new waffle square. And to begin, I want you to try to think of a time when you felt happy or calm or confident or safe or peaceful or stable. For some of us, this is really difficult to do. And if you can't identify any of these states, just allow yourself to float on top of my voice and focus on your inhalation and exhalation right here, right now. When we are new at living in one waffle square at a time, our spaghetti thoughts may try to wriggle themselves in there. And when that happens, just say, thank you. Not now. Thank you. Not now. Allow yourself to imagine that space you've chosen. Imagine holding that in your right hand. This hand will hold truth and light. This is reflected in the image of empowerment, confidence, peace, joy, laughter, all of the good things you can think of. Then we're going to pivot on the exhale. Imagine jumping into the adjacent waffle square. This is the square that we will hold with our left hand. This is the square where we will acknowledge the darkness. We're not going to ignore it or suppress it. We have to acknowledge it. This square holds empathy and suffering. It holds your own suffering, other people's suffering. It holds pain, trauma, illness, injury, loss, fear. Allow yourself to hold that space and honor it and breathe through it. After a few moments, release the left hand and pivot back to the right. At first love, this exercise can be really difficult because your hunter gatherer brain may not have been wired this way, but the more you wire it, the more you'll fire it. The more you practice this, the more your brain will change and become more able to pivot at will. Give yourself permission for joy and practice this exercise every single day. The objective is for you to hold the opposites. When I'm mindful about holding the opposites, I'm better able to create a space for empathy and suffering. But I am also able to experience joy. Not just bubbles of it, but waterfalls. When you hold the opposites, you do not need to swing from chaos to rigidity. You will be be able to be in a place of peace, acceptance, and fullest truth. Remember the mantra that you told yourself earlier? Freedom comes from integration of the opposites. Okay, so I want you to get out your piece of paper again, write this down and carry it with you. I am a truth seeker. The truth is that there is lightness and there is darkness. I can hold light and dark at the same time. I do not have to relinquish one in order to hold the other. I do not have to live in anxiety and suffering. And finally, I am choosing to turn the page and write my next act. And today, that begins by remembering to pivot. Hi everyone. Thanks for listening. This has been Dr. Nicole Cain. If you want more free information on how to get your life back, check out my website@drnicolecane.com you can send me questions, learn about consulting with me directly, and even preview my online courses. And now for the disclaimer. The recording you just listened to consists of the personal opinions of Dr. Nicole Cain, naturopathic doctor. And while these opinions are based upon literature, hurt counseling, education, medical training, and clinical experience, this content should not be viewed as a definitive opinion on the subject. Listening to this podcast is not a substitute for any sort of medical, psychological care or other form of treatment. If you are in a Crisis, please call 911-OR call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. If you're in need of counseling, don't hesitate to make an appointment with a local counselor in your area. I am so passionate about people getting their life back. If this resonates with you and you think this podcast would help someone you love, please share it with them. Stay in the conversation with me about writing the next chapter of your life the way you want it. I'll see you next time. Here's to your next chapter.