4. How Popularity In Adolescence Can Dictate Your Current Relationships, Finances, Happiness, and Life Expecta

Whether you know it or not, your level of popularity in adolescence has directly affected your ability to develop fulfilling relationships, have success in finances, in your career, and it can impact how long you're going to live. Welcome to my podcast. I'm Dr. Nicole Cain, integrative mental health doctor, consultant, author, founder of the ACT Method, and expert in integrative approaches to anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, and trauma. You are going to learn about wisdom of vitalistic and traditional medicine, and we are going to deconstruct the latest in alternative and complementary research. Together, we will explore the terrain of the human psyche as it relates to the complex interweavings that impact your mental health. I'm going to teach you how to design your life, and we will explore techniques for cultivation of emotional agility. If you're ready to turn the page to the next chapter in your life, then let's get started. While your body lies hidden behind the big metal desk, your face planted into your left arm and your right thumb poised up in the air, you wait until that moment when the shuffling about the room silences and the teacher announces, heads up, seven up. Or that magical and incredible moment where you feel another hand touching your thumb, filled with giddiness and curiosity about who picked you. And with a mind racing over the possibilities and what it could mean. When the announcement is made, you sit upright and look at the lineup before you. Today we are going to talk about the psychology of popularity. We will explore the science of belonging, your origin story, and strategies to identify and confront the psychological cast of characters that impact your mood, your brain, and even your life expectancy. We will discuss the why does popularity matter? And how can I stop my past from dictating my future? Even though we have long departed the world of being singled out in a game of Heads up, seven up, we have never left a world where popularity matters. The social dynamics of adolescence continue to play out in board meetings, our government job promotions, and in the nine to five. One of the reasons for this is that social behavior and identity is largely formed in adolescence. In the book entitled the Power of Likability in a Status Obsessed World, author Mitch Princetein describes changes in the brain that occur during puberty that impact our lives in the long run. Of particular importance is the ventral striatum. The ventral striatum is in a part of your brain called the limbic system, which is the center of your brain. Its job is primarily related to decision making, and the ventral striatum becomes particularly activated when we receive social rewards. So while you're playing heads up 7 up. Your extremely malleable, reward driven teenage brain was creating associative networks around the micro nuances of your peer relationships and constructed hierarchies. You got a social reward, your eventual story item tracked that as important and you craved more rewards and this drove your behavior and constructed your sense of identity. Your brain was mapped, your identity was formed. And this is all in an adolescent brain that has not fully matured or moved away from the unaware, impulsive and self driven ways of childhood. The prefrontal cortex does not fully mature until about the age 25. This leaves us with a perfect storm of impulsive, hormonal, largely unaware teenagers whose brains are continuously changing based on social feedback from other impulsive, hormonal and largely unaware teenagers. The time of your greatest development and neurological change was driven in part by by your sixth grade peer group. Pause a moment and take that in the time of your greatest development and neurological change was driven in part by your sixth grade peer group. What was your middle school experience like? How is that impacting you today? The greatest irony of all of this is that throughout human history, adolescent sociological constructs have formed the foundation of mankind's neurological development, formation of society, culture and anthropology In a study of social relationships and mortality, risk researcher Julianne Holt Lundstadtad concluded that the influence of social relationships has a profound impact on health and mortality. She found that in fact, those who had a larger network of friends had a greater likelihood of surviving until the end of the story study and that high quality relationships gave a person a 91% higher survival rate. She stated that unpopularity, on the other hand, was a greater risk factor for death, even more so than obesity, lack of exercise and alcohol abuse. As a result, we have a perfect storm of childish, impulsive, immature teenagers painting the picture of each other's individual eventual adulthood and life expectancy. The adolescent constructed sense of hierarchy and identity largely solidifies a person's identity for the remainder of their lives and directly impacts their social behavior, personal relationships and health. We don't see things as they are. We see things through a lens of how they were. Or as Anais Nin wrote in her 1958 novel Seduction of a Minotaur, we do not see things as they are, we see them as we are. So what does all this mean? Are we doomed to live in a society of hedonic, driven adults running around with the maturity of adolescents? Is the rest of my life going to be controlled by what happened to me in junior high? The answer is you can write a new story. You can write a new story. The good news is that while the plasticity of childhood and adolescence is long gone, our brains are still remarkably capable of growing, learning, and changing. While the research shows that adolescence is profoundly important, research also shows that we can mindfully change the structure of our brains and change the course of our lives. The cast of characters in your childhood and adolescence are still relevant today, and doing an audit of your origin story will help you to turn the page and start writing a new chapter the way you want it. While many individuals continue to be driven by their biological wiring that says self esteem is based on how others see see us, you have the choice to change your brain so that it delivers a different message like my value comes from within. My past does not dictate my future. I can heal from past traumas. The decisions of a fourth grader does not have to determine my choices today. The ability to mindfully change your brain untaps your limitless potential and opens the doors to a life that you never previously imagined. We see this in the personal triumphs of some of the most admired and accomplished people of our time. For example, what do Lady Gaga, Barack Obama, Emma Watson, and Steven Spielberg have in common? They were all victims of childhood bullying and they did not allow that to become their story. They were able to turn the page and write a new story. And you can too. Starting right now. There are three key steps in reconstructing your brain and therefore your life. 1. Acknowledge acknowledge where you came from by exploring your origin story. The Origin Story exercise is a process that we use in the Anxiety Breakthrough program to begin to explore the key points of throughout your life that stick out to you as important, impactful, and profound. Number two is to begin to unpack your cast of characters. This will aid us in understanding how you got here, who was involved. It provides us data with what your brain has been wired to believe and may also provide you an invitation for a current relationship audit. And then the third is transformation. Once the steps before have occurred, transformation can follow. Transformation involves life design followed by intentional actions to actively walk a new path. This may involve accepting and releasing your origin story, or it may require that you do fact checking of your brain's automatic messaging. It may also require that you start to re examine your relationships from the past and in your current life. Transformation is all about creating new habits and a new life. For this step, pick one thing that you can commit to yourself that you can do every single day. Let me share with you an example of how I went through this process with a client of mine I've changed some of the details and we're changing her name to protect her identity. So if anything sounds familiar, it's merely coincidence. So let's talk about Mary. Mary's main goal was to get off of her benzodiazepine medication and to be free from anxiety. Her anxiety was particularly triggered in social events, anticipating things coming up, and she would have panic attacks at random when we went through Mary's origin story. Let me read you a short excerpt from her notes. I was a bright and curious little girl, and in kindergarten I was voted as the most outgoing among my classmates. In February of my first grade year, my dad was relocated to an international deployment and my mother, little sister, and I had to move in the middle of the school year to live with my mom's parents in Ohio. I had to start at a new school in the middle of the year and I became very shy. I had grown up in the south, and my peers thought my Southern accent was funny and teased me. I also felt very lonely and I missed my dad. I remembered that I felt like my dad didn't love me enough to stay home, and I felt like I was weird and that people were always going to judge me at home. My little sister wasn't in school yet, and she was babysat by our grandmother. My mom and her mother did not get along and would fight very loudly, causing my sister to cry. My home felt unpredictable and I would often go and play outside by myself in order to get away from the yelling. I got used to being alone, and over the next few years we spent in Ohio, I became increasingly timid and anxious. When I was in fourth grade, we moved back to our previous community in the South. My dad came back home from his deployment and I rejoined the class that I had left. But I no longer fit in. I had missed out on all of the birthday parties and all of the other events that happened between first and fourth grade, and I didn't have any friends anymore. So if we just stop here, we can start to deconstruct the three phases from the ACT model. The first one is an acknowledge. There was a profound shift in Mary's origin story. She remembered being outgoing and having a lot of friends, and all of this changed when her father left home and Mary moved with her mother and sister across the country. She remembers being picked on, and she adapted a new label for herself, using words like not loved enough, I'm weird, judged. Repeated messages from the brain to the self become more deeply ingrained over time. And even after Mary left the triggering environment where her symptoms first began and went back to the place where she had previously thrived. The cognitive messages that she had adapted, continued and carried through her adulthood. We cannot change what we do not know. Having an understanding of Mary's history gives us data on how to change her future. As you look at your story, ask yourself, how has my past impacted my present? Doing the Cast of Characters Exercise There are several characters in Mary's story that come up as important. First are her classmates, who loved her, lifted her up. This social interaction stimulated her ventral striatum and she thrived. Another character is her father, and when he left, her childlike understanding interpreted this as her not being worthy of his love. Feeling rejected by a primary attachment caregiver destabilized her sense of personal value and safety, which is breeding grounds for anxiety. There are characters of the bullies at school who tell her she's weird and tease her further dictating a neurological environment around self doubt, insecurity and anxiety. The turmoil between her mother and her grandmother further destabilized her sense of security, and she isolated more and more. As you can see, all of these small details add up to a larger impact. Of course Mary was anxious. How could she not be? It takes a lot of intentionality, healing guidance and transformation to live a life she desired. And this is our third step. Transformation can only come when we have truly done the deep impersonal work to fully, fully understand our story, our thinking processes, our different parts of ourselves, our unmet needs, our cast of characters, whether they be our parts, our community, and our biological characters. Because remember, our biology is controlled by the brain, and the brain is impacted by every single interaction, every single day. So sometimes hypothyroidism can go back to trauma. Other times obesity can go back to trauma. Sometimes anxiety can go back to trauma. It's all about identifying your origin story, your cast of characters, and all of the different things that we talk about. Mary transformed her life by following intentional actions to actively walk a new path. She re examined her story, her belief systems, her biologically ingrained cognitive narratives, and she did and added of her relationships. I'd like you to reflect and ask yourself three questions. What is my origin story? What cast of characters do I need to investigate? And what is one thing I can do each day to transform my life with intentionality? No matter what your childhood and adolescence was like, you can live the life you desire. It will take work on your part and I'll be here with you every step of the journey. You don't have to face it alone. While we may be biologically wired for popularity, the question I want to ask you is what if we turn the page on who is constructing the definition of popularity value and worthiness? It doesn't have to be teenagers. What if we re evaluated who is allowed in our sacred space and what is being kept versus being returned to sender? What if you were able to rewire your brain and free yourself from the drama of adolescent socialization? What would that look like? You can start doing that today. And again I say you do not have to do it alone. Did you know that we have an Anxiety Freedom warriors private Facebook group? If you resonated with anything you heard here today, check it out. We'll have a link included in the show. Notes thank you so much for being with me on this journey. We talked about the psychological implications of adolescent popularity and we talked about the research behind how popularity can directly impact your job, your relig relationships, your finances, your longevity. And then we talked about three possible steps that you could take right now starting today to literally change your brain and change your life and change your future. This is just a toe tip into the possibility of life changing information that I have for you. So if this does resonate with you and if you are getting benefit from this, please subscribe. I'm going to be putting out content on a regular basis and I want to know how to support you best. So in addition to subscribing, send us messages, let us know what you want to hear about. We're happy to answer any of your questions and if there's topics that sound great and you want to hear our take on it, then let us know. Check out the Facebook group. It's a safe, wonderful, amazing place where you can go and get the support you need to get your life back. I'm active in there all the time as well as my admin staff and we are here to support you. When you go and register, there's a button that says that you want to apply to be in the group and then there's a few questions that are asked and one of them is asking for your email address so that I can send you a seven day Anxiety Freedom workbook. I promise we won't spam you, so make sure you give us a legit email address and then come back often. And if you think this podcast would help anybody, please share. Get the Word Out My mission is to support you, to put a comma at the end of the sentence of anxiety and to give you hope and freedom and so again. Today. Your homework is to ask yourself the three my origin story, my cast of characters, and one thing I can do to transform. And then your second piece of homework is to subscribe and your third piece of homework is to get support. Big changes come in community, so find the Anxiety Freedom warriors private Facebook page and become a member today. You can find the link in the show Notes hey everyone, thanks for listening. This has been Dr. Nicole Cain. If you want more free information on how to get your life back, check out my website at www.dr. nicolecane. You can send me questions, learn about consulting with me directly, and even preview my online courses. And now for the disclaimer.

The recording you just listened to consists of the personal opinions of Dr. Nicole Caine, a naturopathic doctor with a Master's in Clinical psychology. While these opinions are based upon literature, her counseling education, medical training, and clinical experience, this content should not be viewed as the definitive opinion on these subjects. Listening to this podcast is not a substitute for any sort of medical, psychological or other form of treatment. If you are in a Crisis, please call 911 or call the National Suicide Prevention Line at 1-800-273-8255. If you're in need of counseling, don't hesitate to make an appointment with a counselor in your area. Dr. Nicole Cain is so passionate about people getting their life back. If this resonates with you and you think this podcast would help someone you love, please share it with them. Stay in the conversation with Dr. Nicole Cain about writing the next chapter of your life so that it plays out just the way you want it. Explore your options for working with her at www. Dr. Nicolecane.com that's Dr. D R Nicole N I C O l e Cain C-A-I n.com when you're there, be sure to take advantage of the free Anxiety Freedom one week challenge. We look forward to seeing you on the next episode of the GET your life Back podcast. Here's to your next chapter.

Sam.