5. What is Compassion Fatigue? And How Emotional Intelligence Can Help.

Solidarity in human suffering is a tradition that has spanned continents and cultures and generations. During death or loss, communities throughout history have gathered together to offer gifts, to grieve, celebrate, and to carry out valued family and tribal traditions. It can be normal to take on another person's feelings and date and today we're going to ask the following questions. What role does the Internet serve in impacting this innate and inevitable human experience of grief? How is the media impacting the human psyche as it relates to compassion and suffering? And then finally, what is compassion fatigue? And what does emotional intelligence have to do with all of this? Today we're going to discuss these points as well as dive into a topic called compassion Fatigue. We will explore grieving, emotional intelligence and action items for Emotional Regulation welcome to my podcast. I'm Dr. Nicole Cain, a naturopathic doctor with a Master's in Clinical psychology. I am a consultant, author, founder of the ACT Method, and your expert in integrative approaches to anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder and trauma in northern Tanzania lives the Hadza people, also known as Hadzebe, believed to be the oldest tribe the world has known. Comprised of about 1,300 tribal members, they maintain a traditional hunter gatherer way of living. Their heritage spans thousands of years and is passed on through storytelling and their way of life has remained fairly unchanged over the last hundred years. When there is loss, grief and suffering, the well ingrained traditional disciplines which are generally understood by the community members, directs a response that cultivates camaraderie and comfort. Studies have shown that despite the dire circumstances that the Hadza people endure, overall they report more positive emotions of happiness, contentment and motivation as compared to control subjects. Lets examine a juxtaposition with an example from my private practice. I've changed the names and specifics and so any resemblance of anyone you know is purely coincidental. Susan resided in a New York flat. She enjoyed a six figure salary, lived in a nice part of town, and was close to her family and friends. Susan's morning tradition comprised of waking with her alarm and while still lying in bed, she read through her social media emails and chosen news outlet sources. She scrolled through posts from her thousands of friends on social media, caught up on emails related to her clinical practice, and read dozens of news articles handpicked by her chosen news sources and clicked off of the pop ads and images that inundated her morning ritual. By the time she'd been awake for 15 minutes, Susan had been exposed to the happenings of thousands of individuals on social media, email updates, news stories, and with every Refresh. There was more and more information. Susan identifies as a helper. She works as an infectious disease specialist at a downtown hospital and endeavors to support her family, her friends and her patients with the same excellence of compassion and care. This is not so easy, however. Being consistently inundated with opportunities to serve, Susan often found herself thinking about the suffering of the world and reported to me that it kept her up at night. Each person she came into contact with required a novel and yet compassionate approach to their circumstances. And Susan felt that she was aiming at an ever growing number of moving targets. Exhausted, burned out, depressed and unable to sleep, Susan came to my office looking for answers. She did not understand why she felt overwhelmed all the time. She had a good life. She enjoyed her practice, her relationships, and she achieved great meaning in her day to day interactions. She thrived off of being a helper and was concerned that her exhaustion was draining her motivation. If we compare the sense of well being between Susan and the members of the Hadza tribe, it would make sense for Susan to enjoy greater happiness, right? She enjoyed a stable life, a vast community. All of her basic needs were met and then some. The members of the tribe had to worry about day to day survival and they did not have access to modern amenities. But the research has shown quite the opposite. Susan, by nature of her existence as an American in the 21st Century, is at significantly greater risk for developing anxiety and depression as compared to the African Hadza tribal members. Why is that? This brings us back to our original questions. What role does the Internet serve in impacting our innate and inevitable human experience of grief? How is the media impacting the human psyche as it relates to compassion and suffering? And what is compassion fatigue? And what does emotional intelligence have to do with all of this? Let's start with the impact of the Internet on the human experience of grief. There are two profound observations related to the Internet and grief and the first, there is more access to world tragedy. While the Hadza people communicate by walking over to their comrade and speaking. We live in a digital age characterized by a constant thread of clickbait, endless sensationalism from digital media outlets, and an unmitigated onslaught of news from anyone with an Internet connection. To summarize, we are dealing with a lot more access to grief and suffering than any previous generation on the planet. The second observation is that we are exposed to the grieving of many different cultures. Some cultures follow the stuff it and move on philosophy, while other cultural traditions involve community members weeping and beating their breasts in the streets, while smaller communities may rally Together to support each other. Guided by tradition and mutual understanding. We now live in a world whereas the traditions around grief and loss may be drastically different. So how is the media impacting the human psyche as it relates to compassion and suffering? Well, the human mind is simply not built to process. All of the data thrown at is well established that the news can cause anxiety. For example, a study published back in 2007 in the International Journal of Behavioral Medicine observed that state anxiety and total mood disturbances increased after watching a 15 minute random newscast. Research has also shown that more friends a person has on social media, the greater their risk is for depression and anxiety. As a result, more and more individuals are suffering from the same types of symptoms that Susan is and it's called compassion fatigue. Often linked with the term burnout, compassion fatigue is characterized by emotional, mental and physical exhaustion that occurs as a result of over exposure to the suffering of others. One of the key differences between Susan and the members of the fairly sequestered Hadzit people is that Susan's exposure to the suffering of others is amplified by her social media habits, her news sources, emails, her job and her identity as a helper. The human psyche may respond to compassion fatigue in a multitude of different ways, from rage and abusiveness to panic and anxiety or difficulty sleeping, vicarious grief and even total sublimation, which is when our impulses are transferred into the behaviors like overworking or dissociative activities like binge watching television programs. Our emotional barrels are too full. Imagine it this way. Each person has a metaphorical whiskey barrel. The barrel represents the amount of bandwidth an individual has. Some start the day with a fresh and empty barrel while others barely have any more room for stuff to be added. Susan started every morning by filling her barrel up. She picked up her phone and while her boundaries were down and she was foggy with a sleepy mind, she begins her daily ritual with technology connected to billions of people worldwide, all competing for eyeballs and ears using clickbait, sensationalism, controversial headlines, fear mongering and a never ending stream of information. The amount of emotional data being thrown at Susan and you and me is akin to a fire hose of water to the face. Then Susan goes to work where she interacts with hundreds of doctors, nurses, staff members, patients and family members, navigating grief, disappointment, victory, loss, religious needs, cultural expectations and all on a limited clock. Susan's social media account grows, her use is being pixeled by Internet marketers, her email list is ever growing and she is missing texts and phone calls that she's going to have to deal with later. Compassion fatigue does not discriminate across gender or culture, but there are variables that will put you at greater risk. For example, the more use of social media, the more consumption of the news, the greater the number of hours you spend consuming media, the greater risk you are. Feelings of powerlessness and isolation from other people puts you at a greater risk. People who identify as helpers see enneagram type 2. People who have an MAOA gene, otherwise known as the warrior gene, are at greater risk, as are people who have endured trauma, whether it's emotional, mental or physical, those who are more sensitive to vicarious trauma, those whose loved ones are at risk, and those whose community is at risk. If you lean towards being empathetic, you are at a greater risk of compassion fatigue. It can be normal to take on other people's feelings of grief quite deeply. In fact, it is a useful trait to be sensitive and open to what's going on. It allows you to connect more deeply with another person and authentically respond to others. And this trait can be useful and helpful in culture. But if we don't open and close the windows to the world mindfully, we will continue to put our barrels out into the flood of pain, suffering, drama and grief. And it will become too much. Assuming it already hasn't do you have compassion fatigue? I'd like to share with you the top seven signs that you might be dealing with. Compassion fatigue Feeling burned out Feeling fatigue Anger Anxiety Depression Low motivation Difficulty sleeping. You see a lot of these in the fight, flight, freeze Response of trauma. So you might be asking yourself, well, what's next? Is this podcast just another example of the news bringing me down? Babe, I never let you down like that. I have good news. Very good news. You can feel like yourself again. You can care very deeply without taking on the weight of the world. You can still be a good person while caring for others. You can practice compassion and radical empathy while protecting your heart. There is one powerful and effective solution to compassion fatigue, burnout, indifference, or whatever you want to call it, and it is the development of emotional intelligence. You may see this abbreviated ei, eu, or EQ in our remaining time together. I'm going to answer the final remaining does emotional intelligence have to do with any of this? And if so, how? And I'm going to give you action Steps for Emotional Regulation. So let's dive in. There are three key components in defining emotional intelligence, and they are, Number one, being able to positively understand and manage your own emotions, identify your values and behave in ways that allow you to prevent and or relieve stress. Number two, Possessing the ability to emphasize with and communicate with others, diffuse conflict and overcome challenges. And number three is the ability to turn your intention into actions and follow through on your commitments. These are the three key components in defining emotional intelligence. In addition to better self regulation and more fulfilling relationships, research has shown that emotional intelligence is an antidote to emotional fatigue, burnout or compassion fatigue. Emotional intelligence can be improved with self awareness, emotional regulation and regular practice of these skills. And the good news is is that I have created a list of eight key skills for emotional intelligence and a list of eight action items for emotional regulation. So let's get into them now. First of all, the eight key skills for emotional intelligence. Number one is being in the moment. Practice being in the moment. Use your emotions honestly and with integrity. Practice your here now awareness. Label your thoughts and feelings as they come up noticing. Is this residual from the past or is this worry about the future? Remember our study from the International Journal of Behavioral Medicine. This same article demonstrated that state anxiety and other mood disturbances from the news exposure will was counteracted by either a 15 minute progressive relaxation exercise or a 15 minute lecture. So practice being in the moment. Notice your six senses, for example taste, touch, temperature, your vision, your hearing, your thoughts. Those things that you can notice. Be in the moment. Number two, learn the language of emotions, others. Emotional appraisal or putting yourself in their shoes is an important step in becoming more emotionally intelligent. Ask yourself in situations how might X be feeling right now? If you don't know the answer, ask. Practice reading body language. There's a ton of literature on this topic out there. This is where you can use the Internet for good, right? Read the body language and learn the science of body language. For example, what does your partner do when they're feeling insecure? What does your colleague do when they have a good idea? What are some of Gottman's examples of turning towards now? That is a whole topic that we could do a series on. Examine inferred information. For example, listen to what I mean, not what I say. And then there's the zoom in, zoom out of language. What could your person's experience be in this moment? What else is going on in their life right now that might be impacting their behavior, their words and their feelings? So we talked about number one is the moment. Number two is language. And then number three is empathy. And this is all about practicing radical empathy. And to understand more about this, you can follow the philosophy of Carl Rogers who believed that he each person is doing the best they can with what they have. So ask yourself, how do my behaviors and choices affect others? And realize that this is not a scapegoat or enabling other people to engage in bad behavior, but it is an act of mercy that can ACcompany accountability. Number four is data. Emotions are data. They give us information about others, about ourselves. There is no bad emotion. It's all data. So when emotions are happening around, you just notice. Take that information in. Number five is reflection, practice, self examination, self appraisal. I have a ton of information in my act course about this. There's CBT and DBT exercises, but there's so much information out there on how you can learn about yourself, examine yourself, appraise yourself, and really get to know who you are. See a therapist, see a coach, see a consultant, someone that can help you dive into the wonderful mystery of you. Number six, problem solving. Identify what you can control and problem solve and then let go of what you cannot control. Number seven is fact check. Practice reality checking with your thoughts. Attend to your thoughts and notice them before you act. Hey babe. We have a lot of thought errors. In fact, in CBT cognitive behavioral therapy, they talk about the 10 types of twisted thinking. And I have pulled out the five most common thought errors that I see in my clinical practice. And they are fortune telling, which is where we assume the future and mindfully think that something is going to happen in the future. Number two is emotional reasoning, where we feel like something is a fact and therefore we decide it's a fact. Then there's number three, all or nothing thinking, where something is all good or all bad. And then there's the discounting the positive or using a mental filter where we feel like it's all bad, it's all good. You filter things just like if you're filtering for gold. Well, these types of cognitive thoughts, you're filtering for whatever negative thing that you're assuming is happening. And then the last one is, we call it shoulding. I should do this, I should do that. I must do this, I must do that. And then the last one is boundaries. Identify your personal limits and your boundaries. Now, this is a huge topic that we could be talking about for weeks and weeks together. You can have boundaries and conversations. What am I okay talking about and what am I not okay talking about? For example, in my personal life, my family loves to talk about the news and talk about current events, and that often includes tragedies. And when I'm sitting at the dinner table spending quality time with my family, I don't want to hear about tragedies I want to hear about my family. And then when I mindfully choose to look at the news, then I'll read about it. So for me, a boundary is that I don't want to talk about dark things at the dinner table. And then another boundary is time. Where do I draw the limits in terms of time? Time with others, time alone, time on the Internet, what is it you're doing and how are you spending your time? And where are your boundaries? Boundaries with yourself and boundaries with others. There's a couple of exercises that I'll talk about under the eight actionables for emotional regulation. And that includes the house of boundaries and the mindful protective box. And we'll get into those later. But noticing what are my boundaries with myself? How much am I going to allow myself to ruminate? How long am I going to allow myself to be in a specific emotional state? And then how can I mindfully create an eggo waffle box where I put those things to hold them and deal with them later, as opposed to a spaghetti brain box where it's all swimming around up there all the time. And then the box in terms of others is the house of boundaries, which like I said, we'll get to. The last boundary is boundaries of information. How much news should I watch? How many people do I want to scroll past to my social media accounts? How many people do I want to follow when? What sources? How much screen time should I limit myself to? So we've been talking about the eight key skills for emotional intelligence. And remember we've been talking about how emotional intelligence is an antidote to emotional fatigue or compassion fatigue. And so now what I want to talk about is how to build yourself up and help you regulate yourself better. And I've created eight actionables for that. So number one is to do self care. Intentional time for self care is profoundly important. My husband's self care time is playing piano and mine is painting my cavapoo. Self care time is chewing on her bone and barking at the birds. What is your self care time? Ideas would be meditation, doing breathing exercises, coloring books, intentionally scheduling this in. And by the way, I have in the show notes a reference showing that adult coloring books are profoundly beneficial for your nervous system. So FYI, check those out. And then the second actionable is to practice, practice, practice. Remember it takes 120 days to become a habit for something and so you got to use it regularly and keep practicing it. Number three is to build your force field. And I talk about in the act method force field Strategies. And imagine a force field is something that surrounds you, that protects you, and there's multiple components to what's going to help you have that force field. And so I will do some more content on that in the future. But as you're working on this right now, think about what surrounds you and protects you. An example is, am I getting enough sleep? Because I can tell you, babe, that I feel a lot more resilient when I've had enough sleep as opposed to when I'm exhausted. Number four is to release your stuff when you're going from relaxed to stressed, and then from stressed to just full out. Panic mode or great rage mode or grief mode. You. You have to figure out how to release that before it gets bad. So start to be intentional about releasing it. I had a patient many years ago who was diagnosed with Lyme. And before her Lyme diagnosis, she had been going through quite a lot of interpersonal challenges and stress. And so what we talked about is creating intentional time to release her stuff. And so for her, what she wanted to do is go into the desert and kick the rocks and stuff, scream at the top of her lungs. And amazingly, she started to see quite a lot of progress on areas where she felt pretty stuck in her healing once she started to intentionally release her stuff. What can you do to release? And then I have a few examples in our actionable section to help you regulate. And there's a couple bonuses in here. So there's the box technique, where you mindfully imagine putting thoughts and issues and feelings into a protective box so that you can mindfully put them away and not deal with them. And then when you're ready, you can mindfully come back, unpack them, and deal with them. There's a boat exercise. I did a Facebook live on this, and so check that out. There's grounding exercises. There's tons of these. Check out the Metafee app. I have no affiliation, but I respect and admire them, and so definitely check them out. There's adult coloring, like we talked about. Mindful spoon sharing. Oh, my goodness. Some of you probably haven't heard about the spoons yet. The spoons metaphor I actually learned from a patient multiple years back, and she talked about how we all start our day with a certain amount of spoons, and that's what we have to give. And as we go through the day, we can take and we can give spoons. And so every interaction, it's an exchange. For Susan, she felt that she was giving out a lot more spoons than she was receiving. And that left her feeling depleted and burned out, and she developed compassion fatigue. And so think about who you're spending your time with, what you're spending your time doing, and ask yourself, am I receiving as many spoons as I'm giving? Where are the spoon vampires in my life? And what kind of changes do I need to make in order to balance my spoon possession and giving? And then the mindful window exercise, this is really important when it comes to compassion fatigue, is to know when to open the window so that you're letting things out. You're airing out the room, you're there, you're letting there be an exchange of energies. And then there's another time when you need to close that window and keep in the warmth and the heat in your boundaries. It's similar to the box technique, but just a slightly different variation. Let's go back to Susan. Susan made several key changes in her life, and today she's able to love deeply, care powerfully, and she's more effective both personally and professionally. Her exhaustion is improving, but she still struggles at times with the impulse to overextend herself emotionally. She gives away a lot of spoons, and that is something that she will continue to practice. Because remember, my loves, it takes practice. It takes time. We're working on healing the brain. We're working on creating new patterns. This is true healing. This is true recovery, and that takes time. When Susan was asked what was the most impactful change she made, and she said it was to create boundaries on her Internet use, she still keeps up with the news and her friends, but she no longer reads the Internet in bed, and she has blocked off intentional time for her screen use. What is one change that you can make starting today? One of the gifts that I've received by studying the Hadza tribe is that I've been reminded that having a tribe is profoundly valuable. Surrounding yourself with people who understand you, your needs, your culture, your beliefs, and your history is a gift that cannot be replicated. Did you know that we have a Facebook community? If you struggle with compassion fatigue or burnout or anxiety, you don't have to be alone. Check it out. The link will be in the show Notes. Today we explored the impacts of the media on the human psyche and we compared it to the traditional lifestyle the hats attracted tribe. We learned that compassion fatigue is significantly exacerbated by the media and that emotional intelligence is an antidote to the suffering of compassion fatigue without stealing our morality and humanity. Lastly, we took a look into eight key skills for emotional intelligence and we went over a lot of action items for emotional regulation. If you resonated with anything we talked about today, or if you have questions or comments, find us on Facebook and let us know. Hey everyone, thanks for listening. This has been Dr. Nicole Cain if you want more free information on how to get your life back, check out my website@drnicolecane.com you can send me questions, learn about consulting with me directly, and even preview my online courses.

The recording you just listened to consists of the personal opinions of Dr. Nicole Cain, a naturopathic doctor with a master's in Clinical psychology. While these opinions are based upon literature, her counseling, education, medical training and clinical experience, this content should not be viewed as the definitive opinion on these subjects. Listening to this podcast is not a substitute for any sort of medical, psychological or other form of treatment. If you are in a Crisis, please call 911-OR call the National Suicide Prevention Line at 1-800-273-8255. If you're in need of counseling, don't hesitate to make an appointment with a counselor in your area. Dr. Nicole Cain is so passionate about people getting their life back. If this resonates with you and you think this podcast would help someone you love, please share it with them. Stay in the conversation with Dr. Nicole Cain about writing the next chapter of your life so that it plays out just the way you want it. Explore your options for working with her at www.Dr.nicolecane.com. that's Dr. D R Nicole N I C O L E Kane C-A-I n.com when you're there, be sure to take advantage of the free Anxiety Freedom One week challenge. We look forward to seeing you on the next episode of the GET your life Back podcast. Here's to your next chapter.