Dr. Tracy Dalgleish says the hard part of boundaries isn't setting them, it's handling what happens next. She gives three scripts for when someone gets defensive, blames themselves, or shuts down, each one separating their feelings from your needs.
The number one thing I hear from clients about boundaries isn't how to set them. It's what to say when someone reacts badly. Here are 3 scripts you can try next time. When they get defensive, when they say, "So I guess I can't do anything right," try this: "I'm not saying you did something wrong. I'm telling you what I need." When they say, "I guess I'm just a terrible partner," try this one: "I can hold your feelings and still hold mine. Both can be true." And when they shut down and the wall goes up, try this: "I don't need you to agree with it." I just need you to hear it. A boundary held with love sounds different than a boundary built with armor. Save these for when you need them next.
