The Most Important Relationship Skill No One Ever Taught You

There's a scene in my therapy room that repeatedly unfolds. Here's what it looks like. He comes in saying, "I apologize, but what does she want from me? We haven't even been close afterwards." And then she says, "I don't feel like we've really repaired. I'm still struggling with this." And oftentimes couples come to this place where they haven't talked to each other for days because the repair is not experienced, but they also don't know what to do next. When I thought about this conversation, I thought, I don't wanna give you the 4 steps of the repair. You can Google that. You can use a chat if that's what you need, or even better yet, join me inside Be Connected. That's a space where I have monthly coaching calls with you. I answer every question, get you unstuck, live coaching from me, or you ask Dr. Tracy Dalgleish. Dr. Tracy Dalgleish has been trained on all of my workshops and my teachings over the past several years, and that is a place where you can get those instant answers. So if you wanna know what the 4 steps of a repair look like, go in there and check it out. But when I thought about this conversation, what I wanted to do is I wanted to sink into sharing what my experience is like and telling you exactly what happens in my therapy room that keeps couples stuck. Let's jump into today's conversation all about the repair. But I have to ask you first, if you are just clicking play here, go back to last week's episode. It's actually 2 episodes back. This is a conversation that Greg and I have talking about 2 of our common struggles, and you'll also hear me talk about the 3 common ruptures that couples have. And you'll want to know what rupture you're having because it also then determines what kind of repair you also need in your partnership. And before I go further, I wanna make sure you know about this resource. It's my free quiz. We have just launched it and I'm so excited by this one. This takes you 2 minutes, not even, 10 questions, and it helps you see what kind of repair you need. Here's something that I am so acutely aware of working with people. We are all different and how you experience something is different from how your partner experiences something. And that is actually incredibly special to have two different people. It also means that though, that oftentimes we give to our lover what we want and need, and we don't fully understand what they need. This quiz will help you see what kind of repair you need, what it sounds like, and then you can actually send that exactly to your partner. And that's going to help so many people I know just have this awareness about that. So I've got the links in the show notes for you there. All right, let's go. Here is one of the biggest sticking points that I see from the couples in my therapy room, and that is that we get stuck in our own stories, our own perspectives and experiences of the thing. And I believe that in a deep-rooted way, this often comes from our early experiences. So this might be growing up in a home where you always felt blamed, or growing up in a home where someone was always defensive with you. Notice I'm using the word always. I should soften that a little bit. But the challenging piece here is that we carry that forward into our relationship. And instead of then being able to use this skill of repair, we dig our heels in more. We dig into to the narrative that we hold in our head, not just about ourselves, but about our partners as well. And the tricky thing about our partners is that we will see them the way we want to see them. We'll see them through the lens in which we experience the world. Here's a personal example within my own framework, and I was thinking about this one recently, so I love that we're having this conversation here. I was thinking about my first love experience. 16 years old in high school, and I remember my heartbreaking when my then-boyfriend cheated on me. Guess what? My internal modeling of love then is to not trust other people. It is that others are going to hurt you, they're going to cheat on you. Ugh, that is painful. That is something that I have carried forward in my relationships, and I have had to learn that, whoa, hang on, just because that happened then doesn't mean anything about me, and it doesn't mean that what my husband is going to do to me is going to end up like that. That is a And it's so easy in conflict then, if I'm not aware of that story, then I'm going to map it onto Greg and say, don't trust him, he's going to hurt you when that's not the truth in our bond today. And so then when I hold onto that story, when it comes to repairing, I might go to this place of it's not something I can trust. It's not something that I can let in. It's gonna happen again. He's gonna hurt me again. All of those stories are going to show up. I said something really powerful to a couple recently. Recently, and I could just see it come across them. And you feel it in a room. You feel when you slow things down and it's not about yourself. As a therapist in my chair— and I'm always careful because I don't want to make it about my— about what I think I'm experiencing. I have to check it out with them. But as a therapist, you can witness the emotion come over someone's face because it's slower in front of you. It's the eyes start to water, it's a downward of the mouth, or maybe even the slightest lip quiver. It's a heavier sigh. There's something that shifts. So I said this to this couple recently: your Your husband is not your parent. They are not going to hurt you in the same way that that person did while you were growing up. And I don't know who needs to hear that today, but that one lands so heavy when we can slow things down and look at our partner in the eyes and see who they are. Now, here's another interesting piece of research is that research shows that when you eye gaze with your partner, something like 30 seconds, it's just 30 seconds. Look into each other's eyes, and that releases oxytocin. And what's oxytocin? It's the chemical that's released, the same one that's released when you have an orgasm, the same one that's released when you're feeding your baby. That is you softening and seeing and connecting with your partner. Now here's the struggle though, is that when you're in conflict, guess who is not looking at each other? You and your partner. You don't look at each other, you create silent treatments, you ignore each other, you do everything but actually do this exercise. If I could have one wish, it would be that more couples could just do some eye gazing every single day. So hey, maybe tonight's the night where you say to your partner, all right, I listened to this podcast, it's Dr. Tracy Dalgleish, and she told us to do this, so let's try it. We'll giggle our whole way through. All right, let me get back on track talking about the repair. So the biggest hangup that I see for people is that they focus on the intent, and I totally get that because we want to be seen as good. So focusing on the intent sounds like, I meant well, I was I'm doing my best. Or it can even sometimes come out as a, I'm sorry, but you just need to understand what I did. Or even this one comes up too, I'm sorry, but you hurt me too. All of those are about what's inside of you, and it doesn't focus on the other person. Gottman's research, now over 30 years, they have studied hundreds, thousands of couples in the Couples Lab, and they have found that the impact matters more than the intent. The intent is important, it really is, because if someone continues to rail you with, "Notice my— notice your impact, notice your impact," listen, in a relationship, if you are always being railed by seeing as being bad and that you are always hurting them, we've got to start looking at the intent, right? Relationships, healthy partnerships, are about rotational shifts and perspectives, seeing self and seeing other. But when you go to repair, if you, if you start— so the number one mistake people do is they start with the intent. As soon as you start with the intent, the other person completely shuts down. You know why? Because you in that moment have just made it completely about yourself and there is no opening in that. That's the biggest mistake I see people do. So hey, the real repair is starting with your impact. And what, what I wanna say to this as well is you don't have to fully agree with that person's feelings. And that's the other hangup is people will say things like, well, how can you be so hurt by that? It wasn't that big of a deal. No, that's not for you to decide if the other person is so hurt. All you need to do is I see the impact, which sounds like, I see how hurt you are, I see how much pain this is for you, I can only imagine what this feels like for you. That is powerful stuff. Greg and I did an episode sometime last year which was all about bad apologies. We'll put that link in the show notes because that's a good one. But the one that sends me every time is when someone says, I'm sorry you feel that way. Ugh, that's like, I'm gonna hold this sorry sack of shit and pass it back to you because those are your feelings and You have to deal with your feelings. Ugh, no. So we don't need to apologize for somebody else's feelings. Okay? So when someone is sad and hurt and painful, we don't apologize for their feelings. We apologize for our impact on them. I just had to add that one in an episode about repair. All right, here is something else that I think is so important for us to just acknowledge. And I do a lot of this in my therapy and coaching work with people. I do a lot of this in my intensive sessions. If you haven't heard this yet, I do 2-day intensives with people. Some come to Ottawa, others I go to you, and we spend 2 days. And this is about breaking the cycle. It's about the intensive work of actually getting through this, because the other thing I'm seeing a lot with couples therapy is that when you come once a month, the dose is not high enough to make an impact. So much happens in the couple's time frame of those days, hours, minutes together that we're just not able to make any work. So anyways, if you are looking for more support for the couples intensive, reach out to me and let's see if it's a good fit for you. But here's something that I consistently see in people is that you never learn how to repair. So here's what I want to normalize: the repair is actually the most healthiest and foundational piece of your relationship. And the cycle looks like this: the cycle is connection, disconnection, repair, back up to connection. And that when we're in conflict— conflict is not bad, it is a chance for you to discover what you need. That is a beautiful reframe of conflict. Not to say that we should be fighting all the time. That's something that's different, but in the sense that your partner said something and it hurt you, and now you've learned that that kind of thing doesn't feel so good, and you get to express it and share it, and they get to take ownership, responsibility, accountability. I love those three words together, and they get to do that back with you. But the repair is often not learned. When I think about the repair, almost across the board, I wanna say 9 out of 10 people, but maybe it's 90 99% is that most people will say they never saw apparent repair. They felt the tension in the home when there was conflict. They saw the tipped over something and the heard the slammed door. They then maybe saw their parents be close again the next day or a few days later. They saw and felt the silent treatment, but most of the clients and couples, individuals and couples that I have worked with over the last 20 years, tell me that they have never seen their parents repair. And yet we then are in this complex relationship dynamic today with information speeding at us. And we go to our partner, you don't repair with me. And then our partners say, what? What do you mean? I said, I'm sorry. And right there even is the struggle of what does it actually mean to repair? How do we actually feel close again in these hard moments, especially if you were modeled to not talk about hard things? Okay, so here's something that you can do today. Go to your partner. And ask this question: Did your parents ever say sorry to you? What would it look like if your parents repaired with you? And then ask, what did your parents do when they were in a disagreement? What did your parents do to come back close together again after? Did you ever see them repair? And that there is a window into how your partner experiences conflict today. We can all learn this skill, but I think it's important to recognize that a lot of us don't have the blueprint for it, and none of it was modeled. This is something that Greg and I consistently talk about after we've repaired with our kids, we both kind of do this like high-five thing and we're both like, we didn't see this growing up. And this is really powerful. Something else about the repair that I think about that comes from my clinical experience is how we don't want words. People don't want the, I'm sorry. That's not what it is. But a true repair is actually about feeling seen and understood. That's the piece that helps us to move forward. And it makes sense, right? When our toddler is having a meltdown because they can't have a cookie at 8:00 PM, it's past their bedtime. And you say, I know, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry, this is so painful for you. You really wanted that cookie. That right there, labeling the feeling and seeing them in their experience, is often all they need to move forward through it. That's exactly what it is that we need as adults. We need to be seen and understood, not told it's not a big deal, not told to get over it, or you're being too sensitive. That just makes everything so much heavier. I think about attachment styles when I also think about repair. So secure partners can come together and do this work that it's not attached to their lovability or their sense of worth or how they can reach for each other. And yet the anxious person, so someone who leans more towards anxiety in their partnership. So remember attachment system is activated when you are distressed, anxious, or stressed. It's one way we understand people. It's not the only way that we understand people. So when the attachment system is activated, so if someone who is more anxiously attached, their model is, so I'm gonna use research terms here. So anxious attachment is made up of a positive model of other and a negative model of self. So a lot of people who anxiously attached need that reconnection and connection with their partner because it says, don't worry, we're good, we're okay. And so for people who are more anxiously attached, ask yourself as you're listening, am I the one that tends to initiate the repair? Am I the one that pursues that reconnection afterwards? And while there's nothing wrong with that, the question I would want you to ask yourself is, do I get fatigued and resentful over time by always having to be the one to do this? And if yes, Yes, the remedy to that, the fix, is you being able to sit a little bit longer in that discomfort and having to remind yourself, the distance I feel with my partner right now is not a breaking of our relationship, but instead that distance right here is a chance for me to practice my regulation, to practice remembering we're in this together, we're going to come through this together, and I am loved, I am lovable, and to give a beat for your partner to come to you to initiate that repair work. Now, if you are the more avoidantly attached person. You are— so I'm using research language here— you are the person who has a positive model of self and you have a negative model of others. In essence, you view that others will hurt you and are scary, and so you— scary, what a word— others will hurt you and that you then learn to be self-reliant. Note for those listening, both people, any person I'm going to say, experiences the emotion. It's how you learn to cope with with the feeling of the caregiver not responding to you. And so the person who is anxiously attached pursues the other person for connection and continues that pursuit until their caregiver responds, even if it's a negative response, because any response is better than no response. The avoidantly attached individual shuts down all those feelings and says, I will do this on my own. And so for the person who leans more towards avoidance, here's what's really important for you to remember. You to step forward, cuz likely you're the one not initiating the repair as often. You're the one who says, okay, you know what? We had a big fight last night. This morning we both made each other coffee. We sat together. They seem like they're kind of in an okay mood. So, okay, we can just move forward. I don't have to deal with those hard feelings. Except things not named does not mean that they are better. And silence is what builds resentment. So if you are someone who tends to not initiate repairs, this is your nudge from me. Practice bringing them forward. Sometimes it sounds like this. So I'm gonna give you a few options here. So let's say for example, the next morning you've had the fight last night. Ugh, it doesn't feel good. You thought about it and you're like, well, I don't want us to have a bad day. Here's what I want you to do. You go to your partner and you say something like this. You say, hey, I was thinking about what happened last night and I wanna share this part of mine that I can imagine did not feel good for you. And I wanna recognize my impact on you. And you own it and you own that piece. When you own that piece, that's not about you saying to your partner, you are right and I'm wrong. It's about you prioritizing the relationship over and above your own need to be right and seen. That's powerful relationship work. Okay? However, if that one feels like too far of a leap, I get it. I see you. And I want you to move to the next one. Then the next one is to just name the experience. Hey love, I know today we are not where we were last night. I've been thinking about what we said to each other, and I think there's more for us to talk about in here, and I want us to come back to it. I just don't know what to say just yet. That, that says to your partner, I think about what happened and it's important to me. That is a brilliant start to how you can go into the repair. And this last one, this is the last one that I always teach my clients because people will say, well, this happened so long ago, or, you know, I think about this thing, but oh, it's too late to apologize. It's too late to repair. It is never too late to repair. There is no amount of time that indicates that you are not allowed to go back and say the thing. If something happened with a friend and you never named it, you can still go back to it and own it. If something happened with your partner 2 months ago, 2 years ago, during that postpartum season with baby, go back and name it. I promise you, they have thought about it too. And it takes incredible strength and courage, vulnerability and authenticity to go to that person and say, I was thinking about this. You matter to me, and I see that my impact on you in such a way, and I just want you to know. And I think about even the generations and how there's so much divide right now between generations, and just how powerful it would be for parents to adult children to then come back to your adult child and say, I remember you told me that I was critical to you at that time, and I said, don't be ridiculous, I was doing my best, stop blaming parents, that's a moment that I just want to acknowledge. I see you and you mean everything to me. All right, from my therapy room— I'm not actually in my therapy room as I'm recording this, but I was thinking, how do I bring to life my real clinical experiences? Not as your therapist, but just as me saying, I wish that you could see all the things that I see when it comes to the repair and how there's so much workability in this and flexibility in terms of how repairs can look. But ultimately, I wanted to end the note on saying, you don't have to do this perfectly. And it is a privilege to connect with others, especially our partners. And when you repair, it says, our relationship is so important to me. And I think we all just need to hear that. All right, let me know what you think. One of the best things you can do is share this episode to maybe your fellow repair not expert or someone who wants to learn about the repair. It's one of the best ways for people to find the podcast. And also, if you have a moment, I know that thousands of you listen to this podcast cast every single week. It is such a privilege on my end, and so I would be very grateful for you to pause, click the stars, leave me a few words. I re-read all the reviews. I actually have to go and find a, a US way to look at the US ones because I know most of my listeners are in the US, but I just love hearing from you, and that also helps people to find the podcast. And if you're looking for more resources to support you and your partner, all the links are in the show notes. Thank you for clicking play today, and I will see you next time. I have to remind you at the end of every episode that this is for educational purposes only and does not substitute for the care from a licensed mental healthcare provider. See you next time.