Dr. Tracy Dalgleish explains how inconsistent caregiving creates anxious attachment, where any partner unavailability feels like rejection. She suggests expanding your window before seeking reassurance, sitting with discomfort longer, and learning to self-regulate so closeness becomes secure instead of frantic.
If you're the anxious one in your marriage, this is for you. If you grew up with parents who were inconsistent, sometimes emotionally there, sometimes not, your nervous system learned something really important early on. When I feel anxious, stressed, or something feels off, the way I soothe is by getting close. And that makes sense. So you talk through it, you check in, like asking, are you mad at me? Or are we good? You reach for connection and tell your body, settles. And I want you to know this, this wasn't wrong. That wasn't neediness. That was your system learning how to survive without consistent comfort. The tricky part now is what happens when closeness becomes the only way to regulate. It can start to feel like no amount of reassurance will fully stick, like there's a hole in your bucket. And the moment your partner is distracted, tired, or not fully there, your body doesn't read it as neutral. It reads it as threat. But hear me on this, not because you're dramatic or you're being needy, But because somewhere inside of you there's fear and fear says, what if this distance means I'm losing you? Healthy relationships actually need both things, self-regulation and co-regulation. But anxious partners often learn to over-rely on closeness because self-regulation wasn't something they were taught. And for many people, it's something they have to learn later on. So without meaning to, the pursuit for that closeness can start to feel urgent. And maybe it's even like your partner is responsible for keeping you okay, and that can strain the very connection you're trying to protect. So the work here isn't for you to stop needing closeness. Closeness and interdependence is healthy. The goal instead is to widen that window before you reach for it, to sit with the discomfort you feel just a little bit longer, not by ignoring it, but by reminding yourself this: my partner being unavailable right now is not the same as being rejected. To communicate your needs clearly without panic, without urgency, without making it mean something about your worth. Because the more you learn to regulate yourself, the safer closeness becomes between you and connection stops feeling like something you have to keep chasing and it starts feeling like something you can trust.
