Dr. Tracy Dalgleish explains defensiveness as a self-protective response to blame or shame, not stubbornness. It blocks empathy and repair in relationships. Partners can't control each other, but they can choose how they show up and respond.
Saying to your partner, stop being defensive doesn't make your partner less defensive. It usually makes them more. Here's what most people don't realize. Defensiveness isn't just stubbornness, and it's definitely not gaslighting. It's a self protective response, even to a perceived threat. When someone feels blamed, vulnerable, or like they're under attack, their shame gets triggered and their instinct is to guard, deflect, explain, or to shut down. Here's the problem. Defensiveness might protect the self, but it ends up disconnecting the relationship. It blocks empathy and understanding, and it stops people from repairing it. Implicitly says my experience in this moment is more important than understanding what is happening for you. Here's what I wish more partners understood. You don't get to control your partner's defensiveness, and the more you try to fix it, manage their reaction, or make them change and see that they're so defensive, the more emotional labor you end up taking on. But you can shift how you show up and express yourself. This is about acknowledging that you can't control other people and acknowledging the power you hold in your own sense of agency. You get to choose how you express yourself and how you respond when defensiveness shows up.
