Does Your Mother-In-Law Guilt Trip You?

Have you ever walked away from time with your mother in law feeling small, dismissed, or like you're carrying all the tension home with you? You're not alone. In my therapy room as a psychologist and couples therapist, I hear the same struggles again and again. And they don't just affect your relationship with her, they spill into your marriage, your parenting, and even how you feel about yourself. In this video, I'm breaking down one of the top five challenges women face with their mother in law and giving you insight and strategies you can start using today. So stay with me because understanding these patterns is the first to changing them. Emotional manipulation and guilt trips. So we're going to talk about Leah. Leah dreaded Sundays because her mother in law would call and say things like, after all I've done for you, you can't even bring the kids over. Leah told me, I feel like I can't win. If I say yes, I'm exhausted. If I say no, then I'm the bad guy. This is the power of guilt. For those who have the martyr mother in law type, you know, she gives endlessly, but with guilt attached. But this makes love conditional. It demands compliance, not connection. And from a couple's perspective, it really ends up creating this loyalty bind. So instead of making decisions together, their decisions are made to smooth out their mother in law's feelings. But here's something that I think all couples need to inherently believe and sink into. Guilt is not love. Guilt is about control. This is one of those unhealthy family dynamics that can show up. And again, while we're not controlling someone and saying to them and yelling at them, you're so controlling, you're so manipulative, that doesn't go over well. And it's not necessarily because someone wants to hurt you or they're intentionally doing this. This could be so deep in their unconscious. But here's the thing, if they don't have awareness of this, it's going to create more of an uproar, which then comes back to what's in my control. What do I get to choose to do? This is often a place where I also end up giving a lot of education to men who come from families where guilt was heavily. But what's ended up happening is that they are so desensitized to it. So what does that mean? That means that they hear something repeatedly and they don't see it anymore. They don't hear the guilt trip, they don't have that internal struggle. They don't feel the ick that comes with it. But what's interesting about that though, is that deep in their unconscious, they have learned to do things, to keep trying to be the good son. And that's a really tricky piece because they're desensitized to the guilt trip, but motivated unconsciously to be the good son. So let me say this one more time because I think this really needs to hit home. Guilt is not love. Guilt is about control. And when someone is guilt tripping you, you do not have to take on their guilt. You can close your fence, you can let that guilt bounce off, reflect off the gate, and you get to choose what's going to be best for you and your family. Here's a healthier script that Leah and her husband practiced. They would say things to his mother. We hear you're disappointed. We still need to make the choice that works best for our family. And you better believe that mom was upset. Of course she was. And it makes sense because family is important and we all have our own expectations. We can still validate feelings, but we don't have to give in to that. We don't have to take on their guilt and make it our own legacy. I'll also add, this is a great moment to add that reassurance to that caregiver, to the grandma, to your mother in law. Our connection is important. We're not able to make it this weekend. We can't wait to get back together again soon. Here's the thing. Doesn't erase the guilt overnight, but it did give Leah permission to stop carrying the burden of the family dynamic and the legacy of guilt tripping and manipulation all alone.