Does Your Mother-In-Law Not Follow Your Rules?

Have you ever walked away from time with your mother in law feeling small, dismissed, or like you're carrying all the tension home with you? You're not alone. In this video, I'm breaking down one of the top five challenges women face with their mother in law. Rule breaking with the kids. Let's talk about Maya and Chris. And I know so many of you can relate to the story. Their young child, their six year old came home one day and whispered, grandma said not to tell you, but we stayed up late watching movies. As the stories unfolded, Maya continued to hear all of the things that grandma did with her child, including allowing lots of candy, staying up late and watching movies. I think this is really important to emphasize that it's not because of some of these things. We understand that a grandparent can play a really special role, but I think it's the thing that happened as a result of it and that's the split dynamic. And the split dynamic became that grandma was the fun one and mom was the strict one. And that division didn't help their parenting. And it also bled into Maya and Chris's marriage. So in this triangle, Maya was furious and upset and her husband felt stuck. He felt like, well, it's his mom and she means well. But then he was also seeing that his wife was upset by this. And of course what happens for so many people, what we don't want to happen is that then kids get caught in the middle. Especially as they get older, they start to hear these things, they start to feel the tensions that show up between mom and dad. Here's something that I think is so important for child development. And research shows that consistency and predictability are essential for kids security. And so when the rules change, whether it's between you and your partner or who's in charge, it can be difficult because kids might feel confused and we don't want parents to feel undermined. The shift I helped with Maya and Chris is this. They needed to align themselves first. Here's what I remind people. Families are consistent and predictable. If grandma likes to have fun with the kids in this way, we can predict that she's probably going to do that again. And so if we also know that another family member makes that critical or toxic statement about you, you know they're likely going to do it again. Families are consistent and predictable. And what we often miss or hope is that when we go to the family event, we think maybe there'll different, maybe they'll try something else, maybe this won't happen again. And then what happens is we get even more frustrated that this shows up. So here's the thing. Let's take this piece and practice aligning ourselves first. I do this with you in step five of my vault method. The exercises are tailored for you. They're going to help you and your partner really get on the same page. But the key here is that you need to plan ahead of time. And then what this allows you to do is to present as a united front. So then when Maya and Chris went to drop off their six year old the next time, they had clear rules for grandma to follow. Not so she could stop being the fun grandma. They really honored that with her. But at the same time, they talked about their family values, how they don't keep secrets as one, and that while movies can be watched, here's a selection of shows that feel good and approved of by the parents. And also here's some of the food that are choking hazards and they don't want to be shared. And so they actually brought a little, like, picnic basket to celebrate them with grandma and their little child. And I think there's an element in here as well where it comes with communication. So we're setting up the scene, we're setting up the situation, but it also comes with being able to say it's really important. Our rules need to be followed. This is about safety and it's about everybody being on the same page. I also love adding in some reassurance in here, which sounds like we love that you get this time together. We know how important this is, and I want you to know it's equally important for us. And this is why we're having this conversation here. That reassurance goes such a long way. So here's the thing when it comes to this one, for Maya and Chris, it wasn't about controlling grandma, but instead it was about protecting their kids and their marriage.