How to Have a Hard Conversation

I want to start with something I noticed in my practice years ago, and it completely changed how I do therapy. Most couples who come to me say something along the lines of this, we don't communicate well. We need to learn how to talk to each other, and they're not wrong. But here's what I've found, and this might sound counterintuitive. Learning how to communicate better doesn't actually solve the problem. So let me paint a picture of what I mean. You and your partner need to talk about something hard. Maybe it's about your sex life. Maybe it's about one of you feeling emotionally distant. Maybe it's about something one one of you did that hurt the other person. You know it needs to happen. You've been avoiding it, but finally you decide, okay, we're going to do this. We are going to have the hard conversation. So you sit down. You've maybe even done some prep. You wrote out all the scripts that you want to use. You've read about communication, and you remember what your therapist said about using I statements. You are trying to do it right. Conversation. And then it falls apart. Maybe your partner gets defensive. Maybe you do. Maybe one of you shuts down. Maybe it turns into the same old argument about something totally different or old stuff, unrelated stuff, anything but the actual issue you sat down to talk about. And here's the thing. This happens not because you don't know how to communicate, and it's not because you didn't try hard enough or use the right words. It's because shame got in the room with you. And shame doesn't negotiate. Shame doesn't respond to better communication skills. Shame has only one job to protect you, and it will derail any conversation. So the next time you notice defensiveness or shutting down, that's tough, taking over a hard conversation, either in you or your partner. Pause and try this. So first, get curious instead of getting frustrated. Ask yourself, what's my partner doing with protection right now? What are they afraid of? Name the pattern. Someone has to say it out loud. It could be, I notice we're upping the ante. Or as one of my clients used to say, I noticed we're in the washing machine spinning around. Or I noticed we're getting defensive and our voices are rising. Can we pause for a moment? Okay, next. Name the shame and test it out. This might be something like when I brought this up to you. I'm wondering if this triggered this, like, not enough thing that you have for you. That was really powerful for even in my own relationship, When I could say to Greg of like, whoa, hang on. What did you just hear me say? And when he could then say, I heard you say I'm not a good parent or I'm not a good partner, that right there completely shifted what was happening between us. Or if you're the person that slipped into your shame spiral, you can say, when you brought this up, I felt like you were going right into this, like, I'm not enough thing. Is that what you meant? Were you, Is that where you, you were wanting to go? Partners are not in this to say to you, you're not good enough. We don't land there. We land in behaviors and our own desires and wants. Okay, next step, ask for safety. Is there something that you could do? Greg has said to me before, could we try this again? And can you use a softer tone? That right there is powerful because sometimes I come into conversations and I'm heated and excited and I'm ready to go. And he doesn't see it that way. He doesn't experience me that way. And this is now, this negotiation and co creation of how do we do this together? Okay, last, soften. One of you has to soften. One of you has to take the risk. One of you has to say, I love you and I'm not leaving and I need your help with this. I love you. I believe in you. You are enough. And I also need you to come and be with me and stay in that. Stay in that, because that's where trust gets rebuilt. That's where these real conversations actually become possible. Okay, I want to emphasize, emphasize this. Once you can start acknowledging what your nervous system is doing, you can then shift out of shame and you can start feeling safe in the here and now because shame developed in younger parts of us. And I think this is so important to recognize. You don't get there overnight. You don't just travel a new path and automatically be able to do it overnight. This takes time. It takes time to practice rewiring those conversations. One of my favorite analogies that I used in my book I didn't sign up for this is about riding a bike. So do this with me here. I want you to imagine how you get on a bike. I bet you always go to the same side. Okay. 5% of the time you go the same side and you put over one side. I did this during the early days of COVID just to challenge myself with my, with my memories. So I had my spin bike. It was in the middle of winter, and I notice I always go to the left side and I put my right side over first. My right leg goes up and over the bike. I get on easy. I don't have to think about it. Okay. That's what your body does in self protection mode. That's what Shane does. It triggers it so, so fast. You don't have to think about it. You go down that path. Okay, now what you're doing here is you're actually going to the right side of the bike and you're trying to then put your left foot over for the first time. And wow. The first time I did it, I thought I was going to fall over on a stationary bike, on my spin bike at home, I thought I was going to fall over. And I had to keep practicing over and over again because that's how we learn to do things different. It's wiring and rewiring over and over again. And I want you to recognize this is shame. This is hardwired shame inside of you that blocks your relationship. And we want to work on rewiring the safety we feel in our bodies. This isn't just about communication skills. This is also about what happens inside of us, this old stuff, and how we can come back to building connection today. If you're looking for step by step scripts for when your partner gets critical, defensive, or doesn't want to return to the conversation, I've got you covered in my scripts for difficult conversations. You'll walk through each scenario with step by step on how to move forward. So grab that resource, I've got it in the show notes for you and you can use it in addition to this episode to help you navigate your next hard conversation. Because remember, this conflict is not bad. Conflict is about being able to find out what your needs are so you and your partner can be closer and more connected. Before we finish, I want to offer something. If you're recognizing yourself in this, if shame shows up a lot in your hard conversations, if you find yourself getting defensive or shutting down when things get vulnerable, that doesn't mean you're broken. I need you to hear that. It doesn't mean there's something fundamentally wrong with you. It means your nervous system learned to protect you in a certain way. And given what you probably experienced growing up, that protection mode made sense. It helped you survive. But here's the good news. Your nervous system can learn something new. Not through willpower, not through trying harder, but through experience and moments of safety. If you have a partner who's willing to stay curious instead of defensive, who's willing to soften when things get hard, who's willing to continue to ask for connection even when you're protecting that person, is actually giving you the most beautiful gift. Because that's how your nervous system heals. Not through logic, not through rationalizations, but through being witnessed. So if you're in that space right now, if you're recognizing the shame defensiveness pattern in your hard conversations and you want to change it, here's my invitation. Be gentle with yourself. This took time to wire in and it's going to take time to rewire, but it's completely possible. And if you have a partner who wants to do this work with you, let them see you. Let them help you feel safe enough to be vulnerable. Because that's what hard conversations actually need, not better words. Emotional safety and connection. Okay, if this episode landed for you, if you're recognizing the shame defensiveness pattern in your own hard conversations, I want to hear about it. Send me a DM or email me and tell me what's shifted for you from listening to today, what you're continuing to struggle with, and share this one with your partner to start a conversation about stepping out of that shame spiral.