Dr. Tracy Dalgleish describes a parenting goal: to raise her son so he never has to choose between her and his future partner. Using a specific anecdote (at age 10, he chose friends over a planned movie), she explains she responded supportively and consistently emphasizes that his needs matter and she will meet them. The consistent message teaches him to prioritize his own needs without guilt, maintain identity separate from his mother, and stay connected to both mother and partner without feeling torn.
Chapters
I'm raising my son so he never has to choose between me and his partner. One day, my son's 10 years old, and the other day he came to me, hey, mom, my friends are at the park. I know we're supposed to watch a movie, but can I cancel? And I said, yes. Thank you for letting me know. I get it. Your friends are important to you. Let's plan another night. And for 10 years, I've continued to tell him, your needs matter to me, and it's my job to meet them. So. So now he trusts me. He comes to me. He knows that he doesn't have to please me. He doesn't need to walk on eggshells. He doesn't feel shame if he makes a mistake. He never feels guilt for choosing what he wants. He knows I have my own identity and that he's allowed to have his, too. This is where so many men end up getting stuck later in life. They were never taught to hold both their own needs and their relationship with their mothers. And what we model now, how we respond when our sons disappoint us or choose something else. That's what teaches them how to love. That's what teaches them how to communicate and how to stay connected to us without guilt. Because one day, I don't want to be the reason he feels torn between his partner and me. I want to be the reason he knows how to stay close to both of us.
