Dr. Tracy Dalgleish spent nearly two decades in couples counseling before realizing good communication isn't about how you speak, it's how you listen. When you hear your partner's words as personal attacks instead of expressions of need, the cycle breaks. Try responding with curiosity: "I hear you, tell me more."
I used to think that good communication was all about how you said something. But after nearly 20 years of working with couples, now I see it's this. How you receive information is more important for your entire relationship. Here's what tends to happen for couples. Your partner shares something and you hear it as, it's all my fault and I'm failing and, well, I guess I just can't do anything right. When you take everything communicated to you as a personal attack, you break your connection with your partner. The because here's what it does. It leaves your partner in the cold. They feel unheard, unseen, misunderstood, like they don't even matter to you. And of course, this only leads them to lawyer up. They say, oh, yeah? Well, let me give you 10 more examples. And if you can't see what they're saying to you, you'll continue to get stuck in your negative communication cycle and you won't be able to solve your problems. But you can break this cycle. Don't get swallowed in your feelings of helplessness or inadequacy. Them communicating to you isn't about you. It's about them. They need you. You matter to them. Your partner wants you to connect with them, to see them. So get curious, because you are the antidote to the pain that they're feeling. So the next time your partner comes to you, try responding with, I hear you. Tell me more about that. Get curious. Ask questions, and don't make it about you.
