If You are the Avoidant One

If you're the avoidant one in your marriage, this is for you, no matter what. Your partner comes to you with a feeling, a concern, a request is probably going to feel uncomfortable for you. You'll want to shut it down. You'll want to distract, you'll want to defend. You go quiet, you say, I'm going to deal with this later. And honestly, that makes sense. Because avoidance didn't come out of nowhere. It protected you at some point from feeling overwhelmed, from feeling like you were failing or like what you did was never going to be enough anyway. So choosing the easy road, putting it off, minimizing it, stepping back, that's your nervous system trying to keep you safe. But here's the hard part. Every time you take that easy road, it slowly creates distance between you and your partner. And that distance, honestly, can feel safer. But it also starts to feel lonelier. And it's like you and your partner are living beside each other when you like roommates instead of with each other connected. And it's not just hard on them. I think we need to acknowledge it's hard on you, too, even if you don't always feel it right away. So I want you to know that the goal here is not to just suddenly love hard conversations or to become the emotional one in your relationship. The goal is to risk just a little with your partner. And it's not going to be about being perfect. But instead, you. You stay. You don't shut down and you say something like, I don't have the words yet, but I'm here. Maybe it feels a bit awkward, but I want you to remember this discomfort isn't danger. It's just a feeling in your body. But every time you stay, when your instinct is to pull away, you're teaching your nervous system something new and powerful. You're saying, I can do this, and it doesn't have to pull us apart. And that's how connection is built. Not by getting it right, not by always doing the perfect thing, but to stay, even when it would be easier not to.