Is It a Boundary or a Threat?

Hey, it's Dr. Tracy and I am answering one of your top questions that shows up around setting boundaries, especially given that we are approaching the holiday season. And so I know for so many people right now they are receiving the text message from their mother in law around are they coming for the holiday dinner? And that every year they always get together on this date or Christmas plans are being sent. And so many people are asking, how do I set a boundary? How do I actually do this in a kind and respectful way? And the question I want to answer here today is what's the difference between a boundary and threat? This is my from the Couch session and we're going to keep it short and sweet. But if you're looking for more detailed answers to boundary questions, be sure to check out the episode before this one. Okay, let's first define what a boundary is. A boundary is about something that you are or are not willing to do. That's quite different than a request because oftentimes a lot of people get stuck in making requests of others. It sounds like this when you say to your mother in law, I don't want you to show up to my door unannounced. This is a request. When you say to that family member, I don't want you to ask about my parenting choices. When we make requests, other people don't necessarily have to follow them. Essentially, you can't ask other people to change because they might not be willing to. So a boundary instead is about you taking responsibility for your own behavior and needs. And boundaries aren't just about communicating something. It's also about taking action as the second step. Here are some examples. I'm not able to host the holidays this year. And here, even when someone asks and says nobody else is available, your action is to not change your mind. Here's another one. If there's yelling, I'm going to leave the room. Here you are telling someone that when something is happening, here's what I'm going to do. So if politics are coming up at the table, the request is please don't talk about politics. And yet you can't control others. Instead, when politics are talked about, here's what I'm going to do. Here's another one. When will be spending Christmas morning at home, just us this year. That is a decision that you are making and is all about your own needs and desires. I often think about boundaries in terms of them being grounded. They're calm, they're kind, and they're focused on what you're going to do. They're A statement of self respect, but not control of the other person. It says, I am responsible for all of my own actions and not yours. And I think it's so important to recognize that boundaries are often quite simple in what you're expressing. And yet as adults, we tend to layer in all of this complexity rather than keeping it quite simple. What does a child say when you say, do you want a hug? And they say, no, I don't want to hug. It's simple. Or you ask the child if they want to watch a movie with you, and they say, no, I'm not going to watch a movie. That's all about their desires and wishes. Boundaries are concise and focus inwards. A threat, on the other hand, is about trying to control or change someone else's behavior through punishment. It sounds like this, if you keep acting like that, we're never coming over again. Or if you don't stop, you'll never see my kids. Or if you talk to your mom, I'm leaving. And you can hear in these examples, there's this element of trying to control someone else's behavior. It comes out as an if, then statement. You, you want an outcome in a certain way, and so you are threatening to remove contact and connection. Threats often come from fear, anger, and the sense of feeling powerless. And threats are also often reactive. They're reactive because they're an attempt to try to get someone else to stop doing the thing that they're doing. And when we think about it, threats are more about forcing compliance than about creating true clarity and connection in ways that work for you. So we end up saying things you have to change so I can feel safe instead of how can I make myself feel safe in this environment? So I want you to hold this. Boundaries come from this place of self trust. Threats come from a place of fear. When you are clear about what your limits are, you don't need to control others. You simply learn to take care of yourself. You let go of this idea that you can say things to make others want to change and show up differently, but instead you know that you can protect yourself because you are an adult. You have a sense of agency and choice and you get to decide what you do next. If you feel unheard or unsafe, it's so easy to slip into threats because you desperately want to protect your peace. But remember that boundaries are more about you trusting yourself and making that decision from your wise mind. Here's a question to ask yourself next time you're about to set a boundary. Am I communicating what I will do, or am I trying to control what they should do? The first is a boundary. The second is a threat. And oftentimes when we make threats, there's also something really painful underneath that needs tending to. All right, thank you for clicking Play today and joining me here in my from the couch sessions. Short, quick hits, really practical tools in your hands, in your ears. I love this community we're building. So thank you for joining me here, and I'll see you next time.