Nobody Wants This: What it Gets Right About Family Dynamics

Mothers have been hating their son's girlfriends since the beginning of time. Usually they just keep it to themselves or they complain about it to their husbands. So if something is getting between you and Noah, it's not me, it's you. This line in season two of Nobody Wants this absolutely stopped me. It's from Joanne and she's saying it to her boyfriend's mother. It's not cruel, it's not dramatic, it's clear. And it's the sound of a woman refusing to carry someone else's projections. If you haven't yet, you have to go check out Nobody Wants this. Especially this season where we get to see more about Noah's mother. We had a little preview of it in season one, but we really get a chance to see how she's showing up. And we're going to talk about it today because I think so many of us have this experience where it's like, is it just me? Am I all alone in this? And we're. Whenever I see a portrayal of this in the media, I love being able to have these conversations around it and really bring it to life for us. I also want to say that Nobody Wants this is a great depiction of what it means to be in a relationship. And I'll talk a little bit more about that in today's episode. So here's what happened in episode two of this season. Noah won't attend his mother Shabbat because Bina didn't include Joanne. Now, on paper, this sounds like it's an RSVP fight, but. But in practice, this is a family system collision. This is a couple trying to form their unit. And instead of a healthy family dynamic bringing in that couple and supporting their unity, it's a parent refusing to update her role. And Bina shows us exactly what a toxic mother in law looks like, with examples of enmeshment and blame and leaving someone to be an outsider. Now, if you haven't yet, you know my book is coming out in just two days on November 4th, forth you, your husband and his mother. And in chapter two, I go through 10 toxic family dynamics that commonly show up. If you're grabbing this book because maybe it's your mother that you're struggling with, or a sister in law, or maybe even a difficult relationship in your own life, you're going to see some of these patterns that play out in family systems. And I also want to enter this conversation by saying that we are not making mothers in law out to be the bad ones, but instead, when we can understand the pattern, we can have more empathy and we can really start to change. All right, so from a therapist lens, Bina is a case study in enmeshment and control disguised as care. So here are some of the things I pulled out from just the first two episodes. So first she blames the girlfriend for her son's changes and decisions. It's almost like she doesn't see that Noah is a differentiated and autonomous individual. And so she must think, well, if he's acting differently, then it must be his girlfriend's fault. It must be Joanne's fault. And so here she's externalizing responsibility. This happens more than you think. There's the invasion of privacy. This one just had me chuckling where Noah's brother said, I thought we took the key back. And she's like, yes, I have an extra copy of it. That's not help. This is access and it's about boundary violation. Instead of respecting her kids privacy, we also see the guilt trips that she gives her sons. That love is meant to be about compliance. And this feels more along that layer of emotional manipulation. And I think the guilt trips is a really sticky one because while an outsider can say this is emotional manipulation, an insider meaning your partner or the son. So Noah in this example might not view this as emotional manipulation, but might just say, that's just how mom is. And they might also say, mom has always been this way, and we accept mom for this. And remember, just because we accept who somebody is doesn't mean we have to tolerate that behavior. We also see Bina's strategies to separate Noah from his partner. And right there is the triangle. And this is exactly why my book is called you, your husband and his mother, because getting into triangles is what makes everybody's relationships worse. It's not a solution to this problem. Bina also pleads the other son for another baby. She says something like, there's only one, we need more. And it's almost like this weaponizing of legacy and lineage to control the present. Having another baby is a couple's personal decision. It shouldn't be coming from grandparents. And that's the same truth for any couple who decides to be childless. And when then his mother or her mother says, you says, you're not making me a grandparent. That is so incredibly painful. And yet it shows up for so many people. And finally, just one of the other things I picked up. Bina never says anything positive about Joanne in front of others. This is this chronic devaluation of a person and it's meant to cut them down and to keep them as an outsider. It really blocks Joanne from having any sense of belonging in the family. And the hardest part about watching this is that the more Bina tries to do this anxious pursuit of her child, the more he pushes away and separates. This wasn't just about Shabbat, it's about power, belonging and identity. It sounds like, if I'm not at the center, then who am I? But this isn't the work of Noah and his brother to do. It's not Joanne's responsibility. This is Bina's responsibility. This is her work. To say who am I and how do I redefine this role and how do we create and maintain these family traditions? But exclusion never works. It backfires. Scapegoating backfires. If you haven't, make sure you go back and listen to the last episode. I talk about the key things that emotionally intelligent mothers in law do. It's such a good one. Okay, let me talk a little bit about what Noah and Joanne model. So, Noah, there's this messy part of differentiation, and differentiation is essentially the adult task of saying, I love you, my parent, and I'm choosing my partner. And saying no to your mother can be a way of saying yes to your relationship. But I also recognize how hard this is because it requires then for a man who is differentiating to try to do different things at the cost and risk of the silent treatment, being cut off, being blamed, being yelled at, all of the things. Differentiation is an incredibly hard thing. I just had my group coaching call recently for people who had bought the book and we what's really powerful that I think people needed to remember is that your partner is a product of their family system and change takes time and continued effort and it's not going to look perfect. Okay. Joanne, though, she is a boundary master. She hears Bina's jab and she doesn't personalize it. She's not defending herself, she's not persuading. She just keeps moving forward. And this right here, that's regulation and self respect. And here is the real piece. You do not get to control others. And we have to accept that it doesn't mean what they do is okay and that you have to tolerate it. But you can go to them and you can say how hurtful they've been. You can have a conversation with them which might end up them guilt tripping you and creating escalation to try to get their way. You can yell at them, you can write them angry letters, you can cut them off at the end of the day if Someone is going to go to other family members, if they're going to go to their community, if they're going to go to your partner and say those negative things. You don't get to control that. All you get to do is choose what it is that you do next. And that has so much agency behind that. But when I say this, I also want to recognize the wrong in that. And what I mean by that is it's painful when you know that someone else behaves that way and it's behaving to you and you do not deserve that. At the same time though, the more energy you give to them, then that's the part that you feed. And you now want to cut that off and go and focus on giving the energy for you and what really matters to you and your family. There's this other really powerful theme in nobody wants this. And it's this truth about relationships. And it came up even around when Noah wrote the card for Valentine's Day and Joanne buys the gift and Noah really wants the card with all the work words. And it's the. These differences that continue to show up. And I often think about what it means to be in a long term committed relationships. Two things come to mind. 1. First is you are two rocks in the ocean and you are bumping up against each other until the rough edges soften. But the second piece here is that the person you first met, you choose to commit to them, not the version of them, because you are going to meet and re meet different versions of each other throughout your life. And it's the commitment to, to show up and be curious with that version of them every single day. And that requires a lot of discomfort. And it's the truth of knowing it's not that you necessarily chose the wrong person, but instead it's about the work of becoming who we are together. Okay, let me leave you with a few therapist takeaways. I want to talk about these key pieces because I think naming them can be really helpful. First is enmeshment. And this is when parent child roles stay fused into adulthood so that when the adult child sets any kind of boundaries, it feels like betrayal. There's triangulation. We see triangulation when we pull in a third person or we even end up pushing them out to try to manage stress and anxiety. Bina is pulling in Joanne and saying, it's because of you that I'm feeling this stuff with my own son instead of her truly having hard conversations. And it's about naming the heart, which is Noah I am scared to lose you or Noah. I am scared I don't have a role in your life anymore. And how can we maintain our traditions and celebrations together? We also see guilt as control. This is where we say, if you are a good child, then you would do X. I worked with someone recently where their mother in law had actually said to their own. So the mom to her son had said, a good son obeys. Ugh, that one is so hard. So just holding in mind that love is not leverage. Love is connection, safety and respect. We also see differentiation in these episodes. This is you choosing your values and what matters and recognizing that you're two separate people, creating your own family systems that you're going to focus on what matters to you instead of focusing on what is morally right. I had a client recently talk about what the right thing to do was. And we could have argued from both sides and truly, really either one of them could have been right. But the question I asked her instead is where do you want to put your energy right now, given all that, what you have just been through? Last piece. Boundaries are not about confrontation. Boundaries are things that you do, sometimes quietly, you do them calmly, you do them consistently. And Joanne really shows up with that. She says, I'm not going to carry what isn't mine and this is your stuff. And ugh, that quote from the beginning, just so powerful. Let me leave you with three things to hold on to this week and going into the holidays. And if you haven't yet, be sure to grab a copy of my book, you, your husband and his mother. It's available on all formats. We are having those conversations. We are opening up about what it means to be aligned in your marriage, to prioritize your union and to create the families that you are wanting to create. I can't wait for so many of you to get this book. And it is one of the best things to support. Support me, grab the book. And I'm telling you, this is an amazing wedding gift. It's an amazing pre baby gift added into that bag because it's such a way to support couples to feel solid. It's not a bad thing. It is not a bad thing. All right, here are my three reframes for you moving into the holiday season. So first, if you are criticized because many of you can predict that you will be criticized in the coming weeks or days, ask yourself this, is this really about me? Or is this their discomfort with something that is changing? You don't have to wear their criticism. You don't have to wear their discomfort. Next replace over explaining with you taking action. You don't need to convince them. You don't need to convince others of why you're doing the things you're doing. You don't need to justify your parenting choices. Focus instead on having more clarity on what you plan to do next. And remember this. Healthy families adapt. They can negotiate, repair, talk about hard things. Control is not closeness, but respect is. All right, let me know what you think. Click the stars. Leave me a review. It's one of the best things you can do to support me here. And thank you for joining me here from the couch. I will see you next time.