Dr. Tracy Dalgleish explains piling on, when partners list past grievances instead of naming one current hurt. It triggers defensiveness and blocks repair. She shows how to break the pattern: name one moment, pause, use soft startups, and validate before moving forward.
Hey, it's Dr. Tracy. And today I want to talk about something that I see so often in my couple therapy room, and yes, even in my own marriage at times. And this is the habit of piling on and the impact of how this is stopping you and your partner from repairing. So this is that moment in conflict when you feel hurt or you're upset or you're anxious or you're stressed. And instead of naming just one thing that's upsetting you, you. You start to add on all of the other examples, too. So it's not just about the moment. It's then adding in the proof of the moment. If this sounds familiar for you, I just want you to know first, with compassion, I'm going to say you are not alone. Because so many of us end up doing this. I find my clients who are quick thinkers, who are external processors, who are also control appreciators. But. But also, what sometimes this is, is it's about coming from this deep, anxious need to be seen, to be heard, to be understood. Sometimes it's that place where we have our own wounds. And so when we show up to express something to our partner, we're trying to prove to them that our pain is real. We start to think, maybe if I give one more piece of evidence, they'll finally get it. Because if they get it, then it means my experience. Experience is real and valid. And finally, they'll give me that reassurance and connection that I'm looking for. But here's the pattern, and this is why piling on is so tricky. Because what actually ends up happening is the opposite. When we flood our partner with multiple examples, they cannot process the first thing that you shared. Their nervous system goes into defense mode. And. And remember, defensiveness shows up not because you're attacking them, but because they're experiencing a perceived attack. And so then for them, instead of feeling remorse or empathy, guess what your partner does in that defensiveness space. They start to justify, they start to minimize, they shut down. All the while, you end up feeling further than close to them and continue to be misunderstood. This is the start of your negative communication pattern. If you're not familiar with your negative cycle, be sure to head over to my website, take my free quiz. It's there you'll get a guide to help you start talking about this with your partner and also to start stopping it. In couples work, I often see that the partner who hurt the other person never actually has to feel the emotion they need to feel. What do I mean by that? I mean feelings of shame, of sadness, or even disappointment in their own actions. And why don't they have to feel it? Because they've put on their armor to protect themselves. So now instead of them sitting in that discomfort of hearing your initial concern, they're in defense protective mode. They've armored up. And then because of that, they don't have to feel the shame, the toughness, the reality of what impact their behavior had on you. When it comes to couples, I'm always looking at the dynamic, how we influence each other, because neither one of you are the bad ones. And we can always ask ourselves, how can I do this differently? How can I have a better chance of getting my needs met? How can I have a better chance of communicating and connecting with my partner? So here's what I want you to know. Your examples are completely valid, but piling them on takes you both out of the moment. That could possibly lead to you repairing and further understanding each other and being close. Let me give you an example. You go to your partner and you say, I'm feeling this sense of hurt and I don't feel important. Last night you picked up your phone when I was telling you something painful. Today, that's vulnerable, it's clear, and it's enough to share with them where you're at. But then when their silence is lingering, we start to get uncomfortable. And so for many people, what they start to do is we add things and we say, and also, you did this last week. And then when I was trying to initiate with you the other day, you picked up your phone again and remember your mom's dinner. And as fast processors, we then give out all of the information. And so then instead of sitting in that discomfort and allowing your partner to feel your feeling of hurt and sadness leading to them to feel something, we've given them an escape route. We've given them a chance to get defensive instead of actually having to reflect on what they did and the impact it had on you. How do we get out of this? And what should we be practicing? The Gottmans often talk about addressing one issue at a time. It's also about having a soft startup to bring your partner open to come and talk to you. It's also not about minimizing your pain, but it's about creating that space for true accountability. We want your partner to hear the struggle that you're having the first time and not for them to armor up. So here are some ideas. First, try naming one moment or one feeling, and then you need to let it sit it. You pause, you let it land and then also get really curious about what's happening for you and what's happening for them. That space right there, that discomfort, that's where growth happens. I also believe that when your partner feels like they can label shame or regret or sadness or their own pain, this is an invitation for both of you to start to change. I also teach this step by step. In lesson five, inside Be Connected, I teach partners how to do emotional validation. And then in lesson six, you you're learning how to return to hard conversations. I have this scripted out completely for you so that you don't have to guess how you're going to walk through these hard conversations and you can actually see what it feels like to finally come to the other side of those hard conversations and repair. So the next time you're tempted to pile on, here's I want you to remember less is more. One clear example, one emotion, one open moment of vulnerability and allow silence and space which is going to help your relationship grow and evolve for both of you. If this resonates, take a moment over the next week and slow down your next difficult conversation. Let the one thing land and see what starts to shift between the two of you. All right, thanks for clicking Play. Don't forget to subscribe and I will see you next time.
