Dr. Tracy Dalgleish explains why justifying your actions backfires in relationships. When you over-explain to feel right, you push your partner away and break emotional connection. Real repair requires vulnerability and honesty instead.
You get stuck in your relationship because when it comes to connecting with your partner, working through conflict and trying to repair, you do this one thing that backfires on you. You give all these justifications and then you wonder, why do we keep having the same fight over and over again? Maybe you think you haven't explained it right, or maybe if you just add in more reasoning for why you did the thing that you did. This isn't it. The more you justify, the more you make things worse. We use justifications as a way to keep the other person away from us and to excuse our own behavior. It's not about creating connection, it's about protecting yourself. You try to prove that you are right, the thoughts you're having, your feelings, the actions you took. But when you do this, you break the bridge that connects you and your partner, and ultimately you're prioritizing you feeling good over you both feeling connected. And I get it, because if you didn't do this whole justification thing, you'd actually have to sit in some hard stuff. But you'd also start to see that truth, vulnerability, and connection are more powerful than trying to be right. When we put up that wall to defend ourselves, we unintentionally shut our partner out. Their thoughts, feelings, and experiences get pushed aside. And the reality is that in a healthy relationship, there has to be space for both of you, your thoughts, feelings, and reactions, and also theirs.
