What Couples Need Most this Holiday Season

The holidays have a way of magnifying everything. Our joy, our stress, our expectations, our longing for connection. And if you're anything like me, this season brings both magic and the mess of family life all at once. I remember those early Christmas mornings when one of my kids, who feels the world in such a beautifully intense way, would open the wrong gift at the wrong time and suddenly the whole room shifted. And as a highly sensitive person myself, I would feel it. The disappointment, the overwhelm, and maybe even that tiny whisper inside of me that said, did I get this all wrong? And am I failing at Christmas? But here's the truth I've learned over the years. Nothing is wrong. This season simply gives us more moments to see our own humanness and also our kids's humanness up close, learning our own vulnerabilities, showing up authentically, and also maybe doing a little bit of healing alongside the holiday season. So today I want to share five reflections that have grounded me, softened me, and helped me move through the holiday season with more intention and less pressure. These aren't rules. They're gentle invitations, things that I have continued to return to over and over again during the holiday season that I thought, why not share it here? Why not open the door of what my holiday season is guided by so that when it comes to those special moments, things feel smoother and our traditions are more meaningful and the emotional load feels a little lighter. We'll talk about holding space for big feelings, especially when it's your child or maybe they're your own or your partner's, communicating what you actually need on holiday mornings, giving yourself permission to pause, choosing the traditions that work best for your family, even when others push back. And the reminder I come back to every single single year, your presence is the real gift. My hope is that as you listen, you feel understood, studied, and maybe even reminded that you're not alone in navigating the highs and lows of this season, despite what social media tends to show, which is only the happy family pictures. Let's dive in. Let's talk about the first thing that I really try to apply on holiday days, and this is this ability to hold all emotions and that there are no bad emotions. I think for so many of us, we grew up with this experience like we could only be happy or we could only feel joy, or maybe even you were told you should be grateful for what you receive. And I remember some of those early mornings with my highly sensitive kiddo. And. And I remember this one year where the last gift they opened was not the Big gift. Since sharing this on social media, you, such an amazing community, have taught me to make sure that your kid always opens the big one as the last one. That's not what happened in that morning. And what ended up happening was this letdown of saying they didn't get anything that they wanted for Christmas. And they were such angry, disappointed feelings. And I really had to slow this moment down because in I went into my shame spiral, and my shame spiral says, you're supposed to be grateful for whatever you get, and you're not supposed to experience these negative emotions. So here I'm sitting in front of my child having this very real experience. I'm wanting to parent in a different way, and I'm mad. I'm having my own anger, thinking, you should be grateful. Look at all that you got. That's the old conditioning. And I know so many of us can relate to that story. And so my highly sensitive stuff is triggered in the moment when my kiddos is highly sensitive stuff is triggered. And it can easily become this recipe for a mess, a hard morning. And I really remember this specific Christmas because I sat down on the floor with my guy, because I sat down on the floor with my kid and I held my kid and said, your feelings make sense. I totally get this. This is disappointment. And I understand and know this feeling too, because here's the reality. How many of us grew up opening a gift we had really hoped to get and it wasn't what we wanted. Or you opened it, you played with it, and I don't know. Or you got the clothes and you're like, well, this. I just didn't really want that. There's just so much emotion. And I also know now, since that year, watching the buildup of Christmas with this kiddo, there's so much excitement there. And of course, what we know about our highly sensitive kids is that there lives this big emotion. So the intensity of the emotion is felt so big and right beside it is vulnerability. And vulnerability brings up a lot of shame for these kids. And having those two live so close together, they don't know how to regulate and come down for it. So I sat down beside them and I had said, I totally get it. It, of course this is hard. And that's all that I needed to do. I didn't need to fix it. And I think sometimes what happens in these moments is that one or both parents starts to go into this, look at all that you got. You should be grateful. That's not what you're supposed to feel on Christmas morning. And it was one of those years. And I explained this feeling to my husband, to Greg. And I had really said, two things can be true for our kid. They can still have gratitude and they'll come back to it. This is not an all or nothing moment. And at the same time, we need to give space for this kid, to ride this wave of emotion, to regulate from it and then to come back from it. And since then, Christmas mornings have felt different. First because of the tip you gave. So we make sure that the big surprise gift is always the last one to be opened. And at the same time, our kiddo has better regulation skills and tools now to cope through that. We've really labeled how there's just this big emotion building all the way to Christmas morning. And it's normal to feel that letdown. It's normal to feel disappointed. Appointment on Christmas morning after opening all of the gifts. And I really think that one of the things that helped me move through the holidays is normalizing all experiences. This doesn't mean our kid is bad. It doesn't mean they're ungrateful. It doesn't mean that they don't see the joy next to what else is happening. It just means that that's a moment. And when we can help them sit in that feeling and give them a little bit of connection and validation and seeing their experience, it changes everything. I also want to come in here, say, listen, this does not excuse not saying thank you for a gift that is one of our values. And we talk about that. So that's in there. I often hear this background voice of, so you let your child be upset, and there's no gratitude or expression of thank you to others. No, no, no. That's not what this is. This is holding two truths. Our child comes back at some point, they're able to say thank you for the gift. There is gratitude, and we make space for all feelings. So I want you to remember this. This holiday season, the greatest gift you can give your kids is to name an emotion to it and to help them move through it. Okay. Number two, the thing I reflect about this time of year, and I often hear this from the couples that I work with, is how the actual event is not how you want it to go. And I can relate to this in our own marriage because Greg and I have very different experiences of Christmas morning specifically. He's the one who is sitting on the couch with the cup of coffee, and he's in the moment. He watches the kids open the gifts. He's reflective. He's Going slow. And I adapt a very different role. I would love to have more of that role. And my role more is I'm the one with the garbage bag. I'm the one orchestrating who is opening what next to make sure or to try to sidestep that huge disappointment that showed up that one year. I'm the orchestrator. And this is tricky because I often then look at him and it can easily stir up feelings of resentment. So remember, resentment is when you. It's a toxic emotion first of all, but it's often a secondary emotion and it's like the tip of the iceberg and everything else. And it's covering all of the underneath stuff. Underneath resentment is often envy, jealousy, sadness, fear, loneliness. And so in those moments when you feel resentment, asking yourself what's actually underneath this? So if I'm feeling resentful on Christmas morning towards Greg, it's often envy that's underneath it for me because I wish to have what he was doing and I don't have that. And that speaks to really how then I need to start communicating what I want and need for this holiday moment. And that has been a trajectory of growth for us throughout the years of parenthood, is how can we then make this work for both of us? How do I then not become the orchestrator of what gifts are given, in what order? How do I get to sit back and drink coffee? How do we co create this together? And that really does require slowing down and communicating ahead of the morning so that we're both on the same page. I think this really speaks to the larger struggle that couples experience, which is often this. We don't know what we don't know. How do we know what questions to ask each other if we've never lived in these scenarios? And it's one of the things I touch on in both of my books is really about this curiosity for each other, this curiosity of your lived experiences, of your desires, of your expectations. Because the worst thing for a relationship is unspoken expectations and desires. You will not be on the same page because you don't know what that page even looks like. So I think it's really important for you and your partner to sit down together and to talk about what is important to you on Christmas morning or on whatever day your celebration takes place. What matters most to you this year, And I love asking this question because you are in different seasons all the time. You are changing constantly. How you showed up in the newborn years will be different compared to when your kids are 5 and 7, 8 and 1012 and 14. My kids are two years apart, so I put them two years apart. But you know what I mean. Here's the piece. You're allowed to change. Your desires are allowed to change. Maybe this is the year where you don't want to orchestrate all of the gifts and you have your partner take over on that piece. Or maybe you want to change up what it looks like to make the breakfast that you're going to share, whatever that is. Slow down before the morning of before your celebration and talk together about what would help you feel connected, present and close. How do you get your needs met? If you're struggling with your communication and finding yourself getting stuck in negative biases or making negative assumptions about your partner, be sure to download my 10 questions that will help you challenge those stories. Your stories, the perceptions and assumptions you hold about yourself or your partner are what escalate you into your negative relationship cycle. I've got the link in the show notes, so be sure to download that in those hard, sticky moments. You can ask yourself these questions to help you shift perspectives and not continue to get stuck in that negative repeating cycle. Okay, my third reflection around the holidays is really giving you permission to choose what works best for you. I'm mindful of when this episode is coming out and maybe it creates some reflection for other years. So we're so close to the holidays. Most of you will already have your holiday plans made and decided. But I think of this client that I worked with and the client shared the story of what it was like to be a kid. And he said it was really hard because his parents prioritized driving to see everybody else on the holidays. Family lived in different towns, so they would pack up, they would stay in different houses, and this is just what they did. I'm going to use quotation marks. It's just what they did. And he described feeling resentful during those early years in his childhood because all he wanted to do was to stay home in his house. He wanted the magic of the holidays to be in his own bed, in their own home, with their own tree. But instead they spent year after year traveling to family events. When I think about what Greg and I have done since becoming parents in the early years when our kids were small, it wasn't easy to travel, but the traditions that we wanted to have were not cemented. And so we would travel, our families live in different cities and we would alternate years and where we were depending on what was happening with work. And we would go and stay in their homes. Now that Our kids are older, they have made their requests known, they've. They have made their desires known, which is that they want to be in their own home. They want to have the celebration here. And it does require families to shift and shape how things are going to be different. And it does require families to be flexible and to recognize that just as our kids are changing year after year, so is our family dynamic and so is the need of what it means to all come together and gather. One of the challenges I see happening around holidays is that families put all of their eggs in a basket and they hinge the connection of the family on this one holiday event. For people listening, I'm putting a finger up so my one finger and I'm balancing my hand on top of it. And it's like our connection is hinged on that one point of the year, that one point of contact. And I remind people this is not how family connection is made. Family connection is made through the year. It's made through going to the park together. It's through the facetimes or the letters that are mailed back and forth. It's through the other weekend visits and meals that you have. A connected family is not defined based on one holiday event. And so I do think it's important for families, especially parents in the trenches, that you give yourself permission to do what is best for you because the kids who are out of their routine leads you to feel more stressed. You are traveling on the holiday days, which leads you to be more stressed. And the question I know so many parents come back to is this what is most important to me today? And this connects back to the first step in my vault method of my new book, you, your husband and his mother, is that couples need to understand where their values are. And we no longer today are doing what is considered morally right or what's expected of us or what previous generations did. I can't tell you how many people of previous generations say to me, we just did what was expected of us. We always traveled five hours to this family's holiday dinner that started at two and ended at eight. Everybody was expected to be there on the 25th of December. Today, couples are saying, we don't want to do that anymore. We don't want to be exhausted and stressed because that comes out on our kids. And we want a different kind of relationship with our children. We want our own traditions. This is not to exclude family, but instead it's to co create something that my families, both sides have done so well, is being able to celebrate the Holiday meal or the holiday time together at a different day. This works better for us, especially as our family is growing and our kids are wanting to be at home. It also allows us to invite family to our home, come and stay with us. And it looks different. It's not what it was in the years before, but we can still make meaning out of something new today. And I think that flexibility right there. Approaching holidays with flexibility is so important. And the most important thing I say to people, to couples, is this. You and your partner have to be on the same page. If it's not working for one person, then it is a couple's issue. And you need to find a way to move through that together. The other piece I love in my book is around identifying your eight core needs. Because sometimes we'll say, I don't want to travel to that person's house. I understand that. And also what's important in a relationship is to understand what are the. What's the core need behind that? Is it about autonomy? Is it about freedom? Is it about safety, connection? Because once we can understand that, then we communicate and move forward together. Okay, here's the fourth piece. The fourth reflection that I always have at this time of the year is that my kids will not remember if I didn't take them to the Santa Claus parade or if I didn't get that one extra gift, or if we declined that one family invitation. What they will remember most is how they felt beside me and my nervous system. If I am stressed and overwhelmed and dysregulated, they're going to feel that. And what's so important for me around the holidays is connection is being present with them. And that is really coming back to what my values are. And the. The value is not to make sure that everything is perfect. And as a recovering perfectionist and a control appreciator, I know that journey. I know the pressure I've put on myself in the past past. And I also really come back with so much compassion for myself, which sounds like you're allowed to not have everything go as you had hoped it to be. You are doing enough. You are enough. And your kids just need you to be connected with them, beside them, and present. And that, to me, strips away so many layers of pressure, and it brings me back to what matters most. So I'll say it again. You do not need to do all of the things. It does not need to be perfect. What your children will remember is your presence beside them. And my last reflection for this time of the year is around connection. And repair when stress is high, when there are a lot of moving pieces, when there are unspoken expectations, which I've already alluded to, of course you are going to miss each other. Of course you might feel like two shame passing in the night, but here's what I want you to remember. Slow things down. Nothing in your relationship is on fire. All of this makes sense. And you are allowed to have hard moments that don't always feel good, that does not completely destroy the holidays. But what's most important and what I hope that every couple can practice doing is showing the repair and the connection piece in front of their kids. And this requires you to slow things down. It requires you to pause. It requires, requires you to give your partner a generous interpretation instead of looking at them thinking they never do the thing or they always. Or I always have to. And it's tricky because when stress is high, we're going to be more triggered and we will be more irritable. It's a perfect storm. But the best thing that you can do is to look at your partner and to continue to say we are in this together. It is us against the problem. It's not you versus me. And if it's feeling like it's you versus me, go back to that communication piece around your expectations. Expectations and desires for the holiday morning. I think that's so important. Or the holiday day or the dinner at family events. Go back to that. But it is us against the problem. And the problem here is how do we move through these high intensity days or even the day after Christmas where we're all sitting around or whatever that looks like. And those moments of connection can really come from greeting each other in the morning. Take five minutes to sip your coffee in silence. Ask each other, how is your heart and mind today? That's the Gottman's question that they ask each other every day. It's one of my go tos and I absolutely love it. It's about going in for that longer hug with your partner and allowing them to be part of the co regulation process. It's about high fiving each other at the end of the night when the kids fall asleep and say I'm so glad we're doing this together. And it's about those small moments of expression of expressing appreciation to your partner and reminding yourselves that you're doing this together. And it's about the those small moments of appreciation. I know so many people struggle with this and I also know the holiday season is such a busy time. But here's what I believe A connected relationship does not require grand getaways or you don't wait until the weekend so that you can do something together. You don't wait for the next date month that's coming up. Instead, you do one small thing every single day that's going to connect you. And if you need help doing this, jump into my 30 days of us. I love this 30 day challenge. It's different than my more than roommate challenge. It is a challenge that is there to help you find the one small thing that is going to build connection. And you're learning more about yourself and your relationship through it. It's built on my relationship pillars within all of the work that I do. And I just keep hearing from people that even after the first week, they feel more connected. They feel like they're on the same page. And ultimately, that's what this is all about. All right, as we wrap up, I want to offer you something gentle to carry into the rest of your holiday. You don't need to get it perfect. You just need to stay connected. Remember that we are human. There are going to be mom. There will be these big feelings from your kids. There's going to be old family dynamics resurfacing, which is a great time to grab my book. There's going to be those frantic scrambles trying to get out the door or wrapping that last present that you missed. And in all of these moments, here's what I want you to remember. You can slow down. You can choose presence. You can choose connection. You can communicate what you need. You can take breaks when you feel yourself stretch too thin. And I think it's also so important for you to honor the traditions that are meaningful for you right now and to also let go of the ones that no longer fit for you. And I love the idea of allowing our children to see all feelings that arise within ourselves, but also for them. There's no bad feelings around the holidays. And I think this is such a permission that we give to ourselves, but it's also a gift we get to give to our children. All right, my wish for you this season is simple. May you feel anchored, may you feel connected and find pockets of joy that remind you why these rituals matter. Not because of the gifts or the visits or the expectations, but because of who you're sharing them with. One of my favorite traditions that has been passed down in my family is making Finnish coffee bread pula. It is the funnest thing to make. And now seeing my kids get in on it with us. The loaves don't turn out perfect, but it's the connection that really matters. All right, thank you for spending this time with me. I'm sending you so much warmth as you move through the holidays. And if this episode resonated, share it with someone who could use a gentle reminder today. Okay. Take good care of you, and I'll see you in the next episode. Remember, this podcast is for educational purposes only and does not substitute for the care from a licensed mental health care provider.