What to Do Instead of Getting Defensive

This video is for you. If you tend to be the one in your relationship dynamic that gets defensive, that withdraws or shuts down if you haven't already, make sure you have finished. Lesson 3. In this, I teach you how to identify what's underneath your negative cycle. Now, what's really important when it comes to how our partners are coming to us is that we look at their behaviors as coming, as ways of connecting with you. So I want to give you one thing that you can do that can potentially change the whole course of a conversation with your partner. If your partner comes to you and they get critical, they up the ante. They say, you're always on your phone, you never help out. This is one thing that I want you to try to do different. So remember, when they come to you in that way, it doesn't make it right. It doesn't feel good. I want you first internally to remind yourself that this is your partner's way of reaching you. This is an attachment behavior. It's how they have learned in their lifetime how to connect and be close to another person. It doesn't make it right. But you here, watching this video, you can remind yourself that I can change how this is going to happen. I'm either going to choose to go into the cycle with them by getting defensive and saying, oh, you don't even recognize what I do, or by saying, that's enough. I'm not doing this. Withdrawing and shutting down. Okay? So in your mind, in your heart, reminding yourself, this is my partner's way of connecting with me. I have a choice here. Okay? And I want you to do three things. One, I want you to let the other person know that you see them. Doesn't feel good, how they're doing it. I get it. But I want you to say, I see you. I see that what you're sharing with me is really important to you right now. Notice even I've dipped my voice a little bit. Because remember, when we are connecting and bonding, we are softer, we're calm, we're soothing. We do that with our children. We don't meet them up here and escalate. We go down here. Or we take the low road. The calm, connected. We bring our partners down with us. Okay? So you say to your partner, and this is this. The piece here is that this is the antidote to the cycle that you get stuck in. Because when you get defensive, the more they up the ante, the more they up the ante, the more defensive you get. And around and around you go. That's Talked about in lesson three. Okay, but you can change that. Remind yourself that's their attachment behavior. And now say, I see you. I get that what you're trying to tell me. There's something really important here. I want to understand it. Okay, so what you've done in that moment, if you. You've gone into their context and into their world, you've done the other piece. Remember Self. Other. Now we want to go into the self. The self is. I'm struggling in this moment. I'm struggling because of how you are communicating. Or I'm struggling to receive what it is that you're saying. That is the self piece. Right. So you're staying centered and grounded in the conversation. And now the next piece I want you to do is to give them a choice. Do you want to try again so I can maybe try to understand? And when they do that, you are going to take nice, slow breaths and really ground yourself to be able to receive that information. Or you say, would you rather we come back to this conversation in 20 minutes and we can try again? Okay, I see you. This is important. Other self. I'm struggling to hear this, and I want to be able to hear this and understand. You notice when I do self, though, I have completely removed all of my own perceptions and assumptions. I'm not saying to them, you. You always make it about me. Why don't you ever think about what you're doing and how you're contributing to this? Okay, I've removed all of that. And then that last piece. Let's try again. Let's come back to this. What one would feel better for you? All right, give it a go. Let me know how it feels. Join me in the Facebook group and tell us there.