When Everyone Needs You and You’re Running on Empty
Dr. Tracy Dalgleish answers questions about staying healthy while supporting sick partners, difficult family, and emotionally unsafe relationships. She covers spoon theory for managing energy, boundary-setting scripts, and how to help a sister in an abusive relationship who's pregnant.
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Your questions, My answers. These are my favorite podcast episodes because I get to go into the heart of what's happening for you here in this community. And today we're talking about what to do to not lose yourself when managing your partner's chronic health condition. We're talking about a sister's harmful relationship in laws, distance and their style of gift giving, the division of estates with in laws and the balance of supporting your partner through their stuff with their family. Thank you to those who sent those questions. I'm going to be sending you a personal email so watch out for that so so I can let you know we're here on the podcast having this conversation and if you have a question for me in the podcast, I have the link for you in the show notes. Send me as much detail as you need to send. The more detail, the more it helps me to work through this. And if you want you can DM me on Instagram with a voice note that I can play here on the podcast. And I have to remind you, as always, this episode is for educational purposes only and does not substitute for the care from a licensed therapist. So if you are struggling, please reach out for support. And if you are looking for more support, you can check out my additional resources and something that I noticed and something in my calendar. I do have just a few spots open for couples intensives in the New year, so I will put that link in the show notes for you to inquire more on. Let's get started with the first question. This one says navigating my husband's chronic health conditions that often leads to him needing more rest time when it flares up. Basically the toll of the caretaker role in a family with a kid who is also becoming aware of the periods when her dad is not doing as well when he is normally very engaged. How do you avoid falling into overcompensation for an imbalanced parent dynamic to protect our child from the instability this might cause to her and not getting lost by sacrificing my needs when providing more support than receiving in the couple relationship we manage fairly well, but it's easy to get stuck in survival mode and not realize it. I want to start right there. It is so, so easy to get stuck in the let's just go and we'll keep going and our bodies will often do that and then oftentimes we get sick or we get injured because we weren't listening to our bodies when it was saying slow down. We need to just adjust our pains. We need more rest. One of the Things I love to talk about when it comes to chronic health conditions actually comes from my time working in the rehabilitation center and working on the chronic pain unit at the hospital. And this is about the spoon theory. If you haven't heard of the spoon theory, I want you to think of someone who does not have a chronic health condition. They don't have chronic pain, they don't have diabetes, they don't have an autoimmune disease. This is someone who walks around their life every single day. They wake up and they have 10 spoons. Those 10 spoons, they get to give out. When your child is calling for you to get dressed, that's a spoon. When a difficult family member calls you, that's a spoon. When you have to attend that meeting, that's a spoon you're going to pick up, drop off. You say yes to that extra thing. People have 10, but someone with a chronic health condition might only have four or five to give. And I love this theory because I think it's so important for us to not be against our partner and saying, you don't help as much, or why can't you do more or all of the things? I'm not saying that this is what this person does. I just think there's something so powerful to being able to recognize who is this person showing up. And I do get the sense already that I hear you, you're the caretaker, and you guys are all moving forward through this. So to reframe the question, I think what I hear is this. How do I protect both my kiddo and my relationship without losing myself? And just to finish my thought on the spoon theory, remember then that our partner who has the person who has a chronic health condition does have to be more selective about their yes. So saying yes to that pickup after school with the kids might mean that they're not able to make dinner, or it might mean that pain is more flared and it's going to take them longer to get the pain levels down. And so they're not doing bedtime. Every yes ends up costing them. And I want to just emphasize this. It is a lot to hold. You are caregiving while parenting, and that can end up pushing you so far into survival mode. And it makes sense for you to say, hang on, I do not want to overcompensate, and I don't want to lose my own needs. So I think in this piece here, we want to look at what's happening. And first, I love your awareness around this. And that awareness already is the first step we become Aware of the patterns that we are prone to. And that is by you being able to say when symptoms flare, this is where I shift into, I shift into overdrive. And being able to really remove that. It's not your partner that's the problem, but instead it's the pattern that shows up. And one of my top things I remind couples is it's not you versus me, it's us against the problem. And the problem is the number of spoons you two have collectively. So I think I hear the three pieces here. There's awareness, awareness of this issue and then there's maintenance. How do we maintain, how do we move forward and then sustainability, how do we keep the pace? And this will really depend on what it looks like for you. But I have some ideas here because I think this can then make a plan for you moving forward. And I would encourage you to have this conversation with your partner. So let's think about those flare ups. This is the time where spoons are gone and there's nothing left. What is something. And I want you to do this before the flare up happens next. I want you to do it in a moment where you can be calm and connected. It's a check in with each other. What tasks are, are still possible for that person to do. Is it that he could still sit beside your daughter and do homework? Is it that you can both agree that he does the grocery order at those times when player when flare ups happen. So it's this piece here where it's okay, let's identify what are some of the areas where your partner can take up and then when flare ups happen, then what are the ways that, in which that your partner can show up here? So, so I do think there's an element here where we're focusing on strengths. So we're not saying this is 50 50, but what is it that he could do then rather than you saying I did this, so you should do that. I love the idea of weekly check ins together as a couple because you need to know what didn't work in the past week and what's coming up this week and how you're going to work through this together. I know when I've talked to Greg about weekly check ins, he doesn't love the expression as a meeting. And I totally get that. And maybe it's just this idea of like can we plan for the week? Can we talk about where everybody and all the moving parts are for the week? Just something so you don't need to call it the weekly checkup. I know, that's very much my therapist expression of it. But it's this idea then that you come together with awareness of what the week looks like. And if this is something where your husband has a project coming up this week that's going to end up costing him two spoons or he really wants to get off to the soccer game after school, but that's going to require more energy. How do you all do that together? And then how do you also help your child be on board with that? Because this is the family and it's all of you planning together. There's also something here around you being able to nurture you and what that looks like. So I'm thinking of two things. One is around how do you get these small moments of recharge? I think sometimes we lose those small moments. And if I even think of one of my not enjoyable habits that I have is that I go to my room, I flop on the bed, if I'm dysregulated and I have my phone in my hand, and let's be honest with ourselves, that's not the best way to recharge. We need to do things that are actually healing for our nervous system. That is go outside and stand in the front step and look up to the sky. Turn your head side to side. There's a reason we do that. It's connected to your vagus nerve. And if you are looking for more ways to soothe your nervous system, check out my inner Calm Nervous System session. It is tucked inside my Be Connected membership. It's one of my favorite ones because once we get familiar with the dysregulated states of our nervous system, then we actually have tools to help us respond. So stepping outside is one. I love being able to put my body against the wall and breathing slow. Six slow breaths. So this, this kind of makes me chuckle when I think of what. When I say this, what sounds longer? Six slow breaths or two minutes and a lot of people will say I can do six slow breaths. Absolutely that's possible. I don't have two minutes in the day. If you actually slow your breathing down slow in through your nose and out through your nose to the count of six, it ends up to be about two minutes which is great anyways. I don't know if we should keep that part in but or co regulation. What's a connection piece that would be really good for you. So I want you to start thinking of smaller things that you can build in your day so that you're not on this autopilot mode. And you're just in survival mode, you will exhaust yourself that way. But I think there's this other piece in here around the boundaries for yourself. If you have 10 spoons and your partner only has five, I know it can be so easy to then say every night I have to be home so that I can do dinner and bedtime. And at the same time, you and your partner both have to plan for how you use your spoons. So if every Tuesday night is your night out, your partner then has to decide how am I going to use my spoons throughout the day to make sure I'm on board with my kiddo that night. Because this is the night you go out. This creation of intentional time for you or self boundaries is so powerful. So I gave the boundary example of one night a week, it's your night and you don't change that. That is the I have this meeting, this is when I go. And it depends on what the flare ups look like for your partner in terms of his chronic health conditions. So I can appreciate that also depends on the age of your kiddo, which I don't know. So that's one piece. But then I also think of some other boundaries which might sound like I can't do the dishes tonight and I'll have to leave them until tomorrow because I'm already at a 10 out of 10, I'm exhausted. Or the other boundaries might be around. I'm not going to do grocery shopping today. I'm going to instead submit the order or something. Like there's just this ongoing self reflective piece that says am I feeling resentful? Am I feeling angry, frustrated, overwhelmed? And if yes, then what do I need to do in response to that to look after myself? And that's where your nose start to come into play. Okay, the other piece here is around your child. I want to emphasize this. It is such a human experience for our kids to learn all of their feelings, which is about sometimes labeling disappointment. And it's going to be about having wholehearted conversations and helping your child to develop awareness and sensitivity to something like this, which is so powerful when you can give language to it. What's important that we do in these conversations, of course, is this is not your child's job to manage dad. It's not your child's job to manage the home, but it is part of your values for everybody to participate. So some really good language around this might sound like dad's body needs extra rest this week. So here is what we're going to do. And I have A plan. We're. We're good. We've got you. That gives them safety and reassurance. It doesn't say to them, everything is perfect. It just means that you are being predictable and consistent. And that presence provides so much more security than finding some perfect sense of balance. So remember this connection in a family is about calmness, regulation, predictability, open conversations and repair. And when you do those things, even if dad has to change his plans, even if you say, you know, I have to send you with your best friend this week to soccer because I can't go and do it and dad can't go and do it, that doesn't mean you are letting your kids down. It means you're teaching them what it means to feel disappointment and how to walk through that. And we always reflect it. Hey, you really wanted to see a movie with dad this weekend. And his body is saying, that's just not the day for this. Of course you feel disappointed. I would, too. That is so much relief for them when you can name it and when they know that you are a safe place to land. So remember that piece. Be the safe place to land. It's not your job to control the environment, but you do get to help them regulate through when things change and don't go as planned. I'm going to add one last piece here, and this is about you protecting your connection. And you can do this in small ways. They don't need to be big gestures that take a lot of time or energy. But it could be something like 10 minutes. At the end of the day, you both sit down together and you talk about what felt good today. Something I appreciate about doing this together and maybe even expressing gratitude for the other person. That just goes such a long way. Something I said in my first book is that appreciation is needed every single day in our relationships. And I really believe that that goes such a long way for our partners. All right, I'm going to leave you with a script here. And it sounds like this. I'm feeling stretched with the extra caregiving. I want us steady for our kid and for me to have a little gas in the tank with this flare up. Could you fully own X, Y and I'll do Zed, and if that's too much, let's adjust it together. And I think this script is so good because it removes then a personalization about them never doing enough, and it doesn't leave you feeling resentful. It gets ahead of the issue and it allows for flexibility for you to both plan together. All right, thank you so much for sharing this question, and I hope this is a helpful next step forward. All right, let's go to my next question here, which says, my little sister is young, 20s, in college, and with a guy that has been historically emotionally abusive. I just found out she's pregnant and keeping the baby. They are excited. My feelings are so complicated around this. Wanting to be loving and supportive, while also very much disapproving of her choice choices and also being scared for her future. How do I keep a genuine relationship with her through all of this? All right, here is the hard truth, is that you are two separate people and you are on your own journeys and you do not get to choose this for your sister. And I just want to sink into first saying this. I can imagine how incredibly painful this is for you. You are watching your little sister. You know her from the very first moment she came home. And oh, my goodness, as an older sister, you want to just protect her and care for her and see the best for her. So I'm going to sink into that pain that must show up here. When you see your sister in this moment, and I'm going to give you a really hard truth. I want you to get all of that disapproving feeling that you have. I want you to get it all out in your own community. Do not put it on your sister. You are two separate people. You are on your own journeys, and she is going to come to whatever she comes to. But what she needs most in life is for you to be a safe place to land. And when you can be that security, that comfort, that soothing, not an enabler. I'll come back to that in a moment. But in a person who says, I got you, that is everything. And I'm now thinking about this baby. And that baby is also going to need you as an auntie and you showing up and being able to be another secure person for that little baby in their life. So here's what I want you to do. Go to your friends, go to your loved ones outside of your immediate family and express your own feelings of frustration, anger, disagreement, disapproval. Do that there. Do it in journaling. Do it in your own therapy session so that your sister doesn't feel that from you. And because here's the thing is, when people are struggling in life, we often know, like, there's a small part of us, maybe we haven't fully sank into it, but there's often this part of us inside that says, oh, no, did I make a bad choice? Or why am I here in this Partnership. Why am I in this relationship? Why did I stay? I shouldn't have stayed. And we don't need others around us saying, why are you doing this? Why are you staying? You're making all the wrong choices. And instead, what I want you to do now is protect the relationship that you have. And it's so hard because I know if she's in an unhealthy relationship, you could very well be hearing the stories. And there's a difficult dynamic here because what happens, of course, is she's going to come to you and she'll share all of the hard stuff. And this is, is also too, this kind of piece that I encourage people to remember about relationships. Is that likely someone comes to you and shares. If you have a friend or a sibling, maybe a parent, which I hope they're not doing that with you. But if they share the negative stuff, likely there is positive, and I can't speak for this relationship specifically, there is likely positive. And we don't get to hear that. And that's why whenever it comes to judgment of a relationship, I don't fully know. We can't fully know, but I know you can do this. Avoid the drama triangle, because it could sound like this one person is the victim, the other is the rescuer or the enabler, and the other is a prosecutor. Okay, so prosecutor is say. So I want you to imagine a triangle. Talk about triangles in my new book, I love it. The prosecutor would be her partner. Partner says something, does something, upsets her, Then she pulls you into the triangle. And immediately, right there, you get pulled into the rescuer role. You're problem solving for her. You're telling her what she should do. You say, should get out of this relationship. You should go to therapy. And the piece here is that as soon as you get sucked into that triangle, they will all stay stuck. Why do we have triangles? We bring in a third. You would be the third to this partnership. We bring in the third because we feel stress and anxiety and we can't resolve our conflict with that one person. That's their dynamic to land on. But instead of you getting pulled into that and doing the whole, you know, you should talk to someone, have you gotten help? What if I came over and all those things? Instead, you start to show her what a real healthy relationship looks like. If she vents to you, you redirect, you express empathy. Oh, gosh, sister, that must be so hard. I know you'll be able to work through it. And then you go and focus on all the fun and exciting parts of your sisterhood. You talk about what she's feeling in her body. You talk about what thoughts or fears she has about becoming a mother. You talk about plans for baby. You talk about the recent sporting event or the new restaurant you've been wanting to try and making sure you get out for that girls night together. We do all of that because here's the thing, when we focus on the negative, they dig in more. When you say why are you still with this guy? It turns them into defensive mode and it further entrenches why this person is good for them. So you say why are you still with this guy? I can't believe he's treating you this way. What are you doing? She then her brain goes into self protection denial. And then she says well let me tell you all the reasons why I'm with him. And then the more her brain lists those out, the more she believes these are all the good things. But if you can then shift into this, hey sister, what's important to you in this time of life and what do you need more of and how can I do that beside you as your sister? That is so much more powerful than getting stuck in. Why are you with this guy? You need to leave this person. And here's the painful truth. You can be an ally or you can be the person that creates more conflict for them. And choosing to be the healthy relationship, choosing to be a healthy person to model that, that is so much more powerful and wow, it is so hard. I'm just gonna sit back into that empathy to say you don't get to control her journey. It is so painful to watch. All right, next question. My mother in law doesn't give my children much attention or try to engage with them, but then wants to buy my son a new scooter for Christmas. Trying to communicate my feelings to my hus and help him understand where I'm coming from. Okay, I have some questions. Does that gift work? And I'm also curious, what does this gift symbolize? Is it because it's a big gift? Is it because it's a special gift? Is it because it feels like she is buying his love? I, I needed almost in this response a little bit of like what's, what's the, what's the feeling? I actually want to know what your feelings are. I think yes, this is exactly it. I don't know what your feelings are and I want to know what your feelings are. So I'm going to do a little bit of guessing around those feelings would be, I think the feelings in this situation is a feeling of hurt and pain because you have this vision of another grandparent, your mother in law, knowing your children. And I think so many people today come to this relationship saying, I really had hoped for the attention, the engagement, the special bond that a grandparent could build with my child. And when they don't and they just then show up with the new scooter, it feels so painful. And so I think that's the piece that I'm addressing here, is that pain. And that pain is very real. I can't tell you how many women I've worked with who have come to me and said, you know, grandparents are low effort grandparents. And then they want to show up with all these gifts at Christmas time. And it just hits my gut in this way that doesn't feel good. And the reality is this, this we can express boundaries to family members, we can tell them it's hurtful that they're not more involved. You see it, I think of my book the Six Types of Mothers in Law and someone like this without knowing more details, but the mother in law that comes to mind immediately is the distancer. And this is the mother in law where so many people tell me that she lives down the street and they never see her, or they don't engage with their children, or are distant and aloof or unengaged. And I think this is really painful because a lot of times it feels personal or it feels like it's personal to your kids when it's not. For many of them, they have lived this more avoidant style, or if you want to use Lindsay Gibson's words, more this emotionally immature way of connecting with people. And it feels really painful because you are doing this emotional lifting with your child, with your children, with your family, with your partner, and you are hoping for more. So I'm just gonna first call out the grief that shows up when our expectations are collided with the reality. And that's what this is here. So I have a few expressions that you could say to your partner because I think that's what this is really about. And I want us to make sure that we move away from trying to control the other person so we can express those boundaries. And that might sound like, please bring a gift that's under 50, or please only bring one gift, or when we see you for lunch, please don't bring a gift. Right know I've worked with so many people who have tried to communicate to a mother in law or even their own parent and have said we don't want gifts or please don't buy clothes for our kids or all of that. And ultimately if that person keeps doing it, it says to me that they're having a hard time hearing your boundary. And that means that it requires some kind of follow up for you. Remember, boundaries are ours to hold. So if that person comes, I'm derailing up the question here, but I'm just thinking of the grandmother who gives the gift that doesn't feel good. Good. You go to that person and you say, if you do bring this gift, this isn't going to feel good for us and we're not able to accept it. That could be one thing. I know the other piece we came to is that because of such a great generational and cultural divide that this person specifically had learned to accept the gift and then also said to herself when she got home, I now get to do what I want with it. And that if it comes up in conversation later on, we'll have to address it then. And I want to emphasize this, we don't get to control how grandparents are going to choose to build a relationship with our children, but you do get to teach them what it means to be wholly authentically connected with another person. And that's the piece that you're doing. You're demonstrating to your kids what it means to show up, to be interested in them, to show them that they're important people to you. But this doesn't necessarily mean that everybody in their world is going to show up that way. Something that I recently reframed with a client with a distance in law is that we look to see some of the cycles that were being broken in that family. And that although this in law didn't show up the way my client needed and wanted, that they could see that they did do their best raising the their child, that they're now adult partner. And sometimes that compassion is so helpful. And I think it's helpful to hold that compassion when it go. When you go and speak to your partner. Okay, here are two ways that you can try to communicate your feelings to your husband. Again, like can't. We don't get to choose if he understands where you're coming from. But you do get to choose how you express it. So here's one idea. I want to hold two truths. I am recognizing that your mom bringing a scooter is a generous gift and at the same time it doesn't feel good for me. You don't have to explain that in any other way. Just being able to say it doesn't feel good for me, the other one sounds like this. I can appreciate that your mom shows love this way. It's also hard for me because I think something inside of me is that I have this wish that family just knew our kids kids so much more. And I'm saying family intentionally. I don't know if there's other family members around, but I'm using it as a little bit more broadly. If you need to soften it and generalize that at the same time, it's fine if you say because I wish your mother knew our kid in a different way. And again, these are these two truths. You are acknowledging that his mom is showing up and it's also not the way that you wish that she would. And we don't get to. And we don't get to change her for that. And I want to pause to acknowledge you doing this work, breaking cycles and again showing your children what it means to be important in your world. That's such power, powerful work. All right, next question. In laws are beginning to settle their estate between my husband and his brother. Very much in support of their proactive approach. Yes, I love when families are being proactive about this. Please have conversations because the reality here is that you don't want your children to be left in conflict after you die. And that's painful. Okay, let me go up. But their idea of quote equal feels wildly unfair to my husband and I, mainly financially, but also burden of caring for properties being disproportionately put on my husband. But their idea of quote equal feels wildly unfair to my husband and I, mainly financially but also the burden of caring for properties being disproportionately put on my husband. The brother seems somewhat open to finding a middle path, but also comes from a place where he will make sure he ends up on top. I'm trying to be grateful for what we are being given. I truly am. While not feeling resentful of what feels feels like favoritism on the in law side and selfishness on the brother side. I don't want this to rupture our relationship and also feel like we're being taken advantage of. Tips on how to navigate would be so appreciated. Okay, the first thing that comes to mind here is, gosh, this is so tricky because there's a dynamic in this family that you did not grow up in the family. It's his family. And wow. Money is one of the most common issues in families. There's divisions, there's taking years upon years to settle estates there. There's subsequent estrangement that happens. And it all speaks to power and control and the feelings of anger and resentment and not being seen and understood. And there's almost two pieces here. One piece is how do you and your partner stay strong and solid and on the same team? And perhaps you already are, which is great. And you can have these conversations and you both feel the same way. But the other conversation is, what do we do to protect this relationship with your in laws? And one of the things I think that is really powerful is now have these conversations so that the division isn't happening later on. And this is also likely a conversation that happens for everybody together. And maybe it's about getting really clear on how this looks when it comes to your husband. And I'm intentionally saying your husband. And maybe it depends on the dynamic. So if this is a family where you are brought in and you can all have the conversation, that's fantastic. I absolutely love that. So, so the three of you with your in laws having this conversation, start with curiosity. It might sound like saying, help us understand how you're coming to this decision. It might also look like, what do you envision happening around the level of care for xyz? And then you can talk about what is the extra support that's being given to us around doing this. Extra. So it is about poking holes and asking more questions of moving forward, forward. And again, as I'm saying this, I'm thinking if they're open to it. But some families might actually not be open to it. And they might even say defensively, this is our estate, we get to decide. And we're not having these conversations with you, which is why that curiosity is so important. We're coming to you because we want to understand, we want to know what's important to you. We want to envision how this all works out. And I think being able to clearly say with everybody there, what supports do you expect each sibling to play? Okay, this is not my area of expertise, but if there is care related cost to you, this does become part of the estate pairing, paying for the care. So for example, if your husband has to travel to look after them, does the estate cover that cost or he's taking time away from his business? Is there money that covers that cost? Again, not my area of expertise, but being able to consult with the lawyer would be incredibly helpful for this. And here's another hard truth. Their estate is their cares. And it might not be how you want to do it and they might not be willing to look at it. And I know many parents do Approach siblings with this sense of fairness. I'm using quotations when actually it's not fair. And I think there's this piece in here, so I should rephrase that. They come to what they deem as equal. They want to be equal. It's like at Christmas time or the holidays or a birthday, if the kid got a 50 gift, then the other one gets a 50 gift, when in actuality our relationships are not completely equal with her parents. And what one sibling does will never be the same as what the other does. And so it never ends up being equal. But I think when I think of kind of the mental load stuff that we work with, we do want it to feel fair. And so maybe this is also about advocating with family. And. And again, this is the piece. The road is, do I go and enter into these hard conversations, we as a couple having planned out how we want to approach it and to express our concerns for it, and not to get, or maybe it is to get money, but to have things just feel better, or is it that we leave it as is? And if we leave it as is, then you know what the outcome could be there, which is you'll deal with it. But if you have a hard conversation with them, you don't know what the outcome is. I always think about people who avoid these hard conversations. Avoidance is such a key strategy for so many people, and I know it's adaptive for them. And at the same time, avoidance ends up distancing everybody in a family and not building connections. So I'm going to come back to your question is how do we not grow resentful no matter which way you go? Are we going to have a conversation with them? Or I'm going to dive deep into this acceptance that this is not fair. We don't like this. We don't have any more answers or the acceptance of they are not changing things. So I think there's this element in here first, moving forward in the future. I don't even like to go here because we're not here. Yeah, I'm having a hard time going here because this is. This is what our brains do. Our brains want to tell us exactly how things are going in the future. And in some ways it is adaptive because I hear the fear behind this. I hear that this is, you know, what if and how is this going to pan out and what's the impact on our family? Ah, that is a lot. So first we're gonna thank anxiety brain and say, I know you are here. I know you just showed up. Okay, let me hang out in this for a few minutes. And again, I mean, maybe you don't even have the answers. I'm chuckling because I know I live my life. I'd like to hang out in the future a lot. But sometimes we can go the future and say, what would my own limits in long term care look like? And one of the things immediately that shows up might be this. I'm not having my in laws live in my house with me. That could be a perfect example. That's like my, my limit when I look forward. It could be a. I will only be available, you know, once a day to check on, I think you said properties. It's all of this piece here and then the other piece here is. Here's kind of my psychologist. And me coming back is, it's like, okay, we are not there. Come back to the here and now. What is most important here and now? If we were to soothe our anxiety brain, turn the dial down and say, what can I control right now? And the piece that you can control right now is building a positive relationship with your in laws. Not one built on obligation, not one built on guilt, not the relationship that, that is just kind of a checkbox. But the. Do we go and play games together? Do we hang out together? Do we do activities together? Do we feel connected? What makes meaning when it comes to the holidays? Do we bake cookies together? Do we all have the meal and have joyous conversations or what's the sliver of whatever the thing is that we feel good? Because I think if you can focus on that right now in the here and now, that's the only thing you can control that will help protect you against building resentment in the long run. And I do know that one of the ways we build resentment is when we spin in our minds over and over again. Yeah, but look what they're doing to me. No, we can think of our own boundaries and what that could be down the future. But right now, what are the boundaries that you have? What are the limits? What are the ways you say no in life to look after you so that you're not stretched so thin? Don't get stuck in the future. We love to live there. Our brains are so adaptive to do that. And it makes sense, right? Because if I. Oh, our brain tells us this false narrative, if I can just like work out every scenario that's going to happen, then I'll feel this sense of certainty. But it's exhausting because the most compassionate thing, the most healing thing we can do for Ourselves today is to say I don't get to control the future. That life is uncertain and it's going to bring hard things up. And the one thing I do know about myself is that I can weather the storm. I know how to get through those hard things. And that is more powerful than trying to figure out what's going to happen in the future. Okay, and rambling on, let's go to the last one. So my husband's parents, they have been divorced for 20 years, are a source of lots of emotional pain for my husband. Dad was absent, alcoholic. Mom was absent due to work and hobbies. Neither set boundaries to keep him safe. Mom let dad drive the kids drunk. Even when confronted. Oh gosh. Neither offered affection, praise, et cetera. Present day, they're both absent. Emotional husband tries to maintain relationships with them both. Neither will acknowledge past hurts or take accountability. And I'm stuck trying to support both his past hurts and his current desire to have some relationship with them. And I'm struggling because I want to protect him from present day dismissals from them. And I also want to protect our kids from their smaller acts of criticisms or dismissals. Help. Oh, this one is so hard. I, I just hear what it means to be a partner and to know inside of you the pain that your partner feels of not being able to have that sense of acknowledgment and accountability from his parents. You see his hurt. And what is so powerful in our partnerships is that mirror neurons, when our partners hurt, our brain says, oh yeah, we're hurting too. Our brain mirrors, mirrors the expressions on our partner's face. It mirrors the feeling across their face when their face drops and you just see that. So of course this is a hard struggle. And I think when we see our partners struggling with the past, I think something for us to sink into is this. Maybe, maybe this is one helpful piece. But it's the meeting him in what he needs. And you might ask something like, so if he's going down this road of, my parents did this, they never acknowledged this. This is frustrating. Being able to ask, what kind of conversation are we having here? Or it might sound like, do you need me to, to just listen or do you want me to problem solve? Because that then is meeting your partner, your husband, and what he needs in that moment. I think one of the biggest realities is that we can help our partners set those boundaries. But you don't get to control if he's going to be hurt from his parents, parents again today. He has to be willing to set those boundaries he has to be willing to close up the gate and to then also stand up for himself with his parents. And it has to come from him. You can do it. Of course you can. But it weighs more powerfully when it comes from him. And now let's talk about the kids. This is step five in my vault method, by the way. So if you haven't grabbed my book, you, your husband and his mother, grab my book. The link is in the show notes. I'm hearing such great reviews, not only about the insights and understanding, understandings that people are getting from the book, but the actual vault system that my book is grounded in. Because this is exactly what I walk you through in step five. It's the we have children. We're planning for the next holiday event. When we're with this person, what do we do? And I can't make that decision for everybody. You and your partner have to make that decision. And the steps are going to walk you through first, identifying tolerable and intolerable behavior. And then I have several exercises to walk you through how you're first going to anticipate, anticipate the next holiday event. You and your husband then will identify what are we going to do when mom or dad gets critical or defensive with the kids? Then I've got several steps for you to consider in terms of do you say something? Do you talk to the kids about it? Is it something that you and your partner do in that moment together? Then I have an ACT plan for you. And I love this plan because it also integrates step four from the book, which is all about boundaries. And here's the thing. I also know that when children grow up in homes where they've been dismissed, where their emotional needs have not been met, they've been emotionally neglected, it is hard for many of these kids to set boundaries now that they're adults. Rereading what you said you had said, I'm stuck trying to support both his past hurts and his current desire to have some relationship with them. So I, I think in this piece, then. And again, I think of the questions in step four around boundary setting. I ask about. I use my motivational interviewing questions in that step with you. And the questions are about what's important, about wanting to move forward in this way. What is it that you need during this time? What is it that you know about yourself that could even set that boundary? And I think it is difficult because here's the reality. People do want to have relationships with family. And the more you try to hold the mirror up to say, you should go, no contact or you should be estranged from your family. Look at all the things that they're doing. When you hold that up to them, they're likely going to shut down inside. They will deny and protect their family, but instead sit beside them and be shoulder to shoulder. That doesn't mean that you don't have your own boundaries with his family. Maybe you are not there when he goes and visits his family without the kids. Kids, maybe conversations look different or visits look different, but you want to be shoulder to shoulder with him so that you put the problem them in front of you and you ask him more questions. Get really curious when he says, I want to have a relationship with them. Have him say more about it. Tell me more about that. What does a relationship look like for you? And sometimes that might even be him talking out about, about. Well, I would really like to be able to go and have coffee with my mom and just talk about things. Okay, go have coffee with your mom and then see how it goes. And when he comes back and he shares how it went, just be that listening ear. Allow him to be honest with you without you having to say, oh, well, did your mom acknowledge all the things you're doing or did your mom talk about this? Because he's going to come to see it himself. Because, and I say this because you're showing him the way, you are showing him what it means to be in a healthy, connected relationship. I think this is the work that so many of us miss, is that in your marriage, if you can be strong, then you're teaching your partner what healthy love looks like when you can repair, when you can come back together. When you say to your partner, I'll never forget my client saying this. He said, my wife said she wants to know me. And I've never had anyone say that to me. All right, we've reached the end of today's conversation. If you're looking for more support, be sure to check out my resources. I would love for you to download my Tech 10 rules for your next disagreement. This is something that you can use so that when you enter into these hard conversations. So I want this to be posted on Everybody's Kitchen when you have your next hard conversation, Whether it's about your sister, whether it's about your partner and the chronic pain or the chronic health condition they're experiencing, whether this is about the next in law desire. You have these 10 agreements between you and your partner that are going to help you. You stay on the same page. So I've got that link in the show notes. I would love for you to download it. And if you're looking for more, join me in my relationship program, Be Connected. Inside this program I have lessons that deep dive into everything that I teach my clients in my therapy room. I also have on demand support for you in there and Dr. Tracy AI is there to help you right in the moment where you were triggered, where you had that yelling fight at each other, where you got so stuck you didn't know what to do next. Or you. You just don't know how to bring up the hard thing. You can ask Dr. Tracy AI. It's been such a great tool. It is not a fix for therapy or for a therapist or my individual support, but it is this chance for you to get the support that is trained all on my teachings, my years of work with people and also my podcast episodes. Thanks for joining me here. Don't forget to subscribe to the podcast and if anything resonated with you, send it to someone you love and I will see you next time.
