When Your Mother-In-Law Has a Key to Your House

Have you ever walked away from time with your mother in law feeling small, dismissed, or like you're carrying all the tension home with you? You're not alone. In this video, I'm breaking down one of the top five challenges women face with their mother in law. Boundary violations. Okay, let's talk about Sarah and Daniel. They had just moved into their first home when Daniel gave his mom a spare key. He thought he was being practical. But a week later, Sarah came home from work to find her mother in law inside reorganizing the pantry and stocking the fridge. Okay. For many, this is the dream. And Sarah recalled how hard it was to be validated by her friends who wanted that dream. But she herself felt intruded on. So Sarah did what most of us would do. She would go to her husband and complain. She would express how violated she felt. But here's where the triangle already starts to form. And if you don't know your triangle, that's okay because I'm teaching you that in step three of my vault method. There's a reason this shows up in step three and that's because if you did it right away, it wouldn't likely lead to more defensive business with your partner. And I want you and your partner to build strength and connection first. And then getting to this triangle piece at step three, here's what happened for Sarah and Daniel. Daniel brushed it off. He would say things like, she was just helping. But Sarah felt violated. She felt like her home wasn't really hers anymore and that her mother in law, likely with good intentions, was coming in and taking over. I'm going to zoom out here for a minute and talk about one of the common struggles that shows up in legacy patterns, and that is denial. Denial isn't just something that people learn. It's often deeply ingrained in unhealthy family dynamics. It's used to keep the family system the same, to keep it cohesive, controlled, rigid. This is where the parents are in the position of them being right and their adult children, or once as small children, had to fall in line. Denial often sounds like that didn't happen or that's not how we saw it. There's no accountability, no taking responsibility, no acknowledging of your feelings and experiences. Unfortunately, any partners then also end up slipping into denial, not maliciously, but because they weren't modeled what it meant to create healthy separation and individuation. So let me just twist this a little bit. What does a healthy family relationship look like? It looks like recognizing that I, as the parent, have upset feelings that you are not coming here for Christmas. And I'm going to acknowledge that we're doing things differently. While my feelings are still hurt, it also looks like when you come to me saying that you're upset about something that I did with the kids last week, I, as the parent, I'm going to say thank you so much for telling me here was my intention. But my goodness, that's not how I would want you to feel afterwards. It's acknowledging that a relationship isn't built on only one person's reality. Healthy families can tolerate differences. So Daniel was repeating this pattern of denial even with his wife. He experienced it with his mother and then he was doing it with his wife. It was so important in our work together when I pointed this out. And we really had to sink into allowing space for, for all feelings and all experiences. Okay, let's go back to what Daniel's mom was doing. This is what family systems theory calls a boundary violation. And often it creates what we have already discussed as a triangle. So instead of the couple staying united, now the mother in law is pulled into the marriage, leaving the wife feeling excluded. You'll hear me say this throughout my life. I will never stop saying this. Boundaries aren't about rejection, they're about safety. They're about creating inclusivity and having families with all that they bring, or friends or co workers or whoever it is. All that they bring and finding a way to coexist together. This work here is not about estrangement. It's not about cutting ties with people. And I know that when people get to that point, they've often been through so much that that last straw can look like just the straw, but it's the straw that broke the camel's back. It was all too much. But when we start in this earlier work, and I really do think that's important, the earlier we do these boundaries, the earlier we do boundary settings, the earlier we set boundaries, the better our relationships become. Here's what Sarah and Daniel did. Daniel went to his mom and took the keys back. Also, as a side note, I just want to add, so many of you shared with me that your mother in law had a key to your house and did very much the same thing. So I know many of you listening are going to relate to this story. And I want to remind you, if someone cannot respect your boundary of not coming into your home uninvited, you do not need to continue to allow them to hold the key. You can ask for it back, you can give it to a neighbor. You can give it to that sibling or that safe person. And together, Sarah and Daniel put new scripts in place. So here's what they practice. We love when you visit, but we need a heads up. Please text before you come so we can be present with you. These were just small words, but they really gave Sarah her sense of agency and security back.