Dr. Tracy Dalgleish explains why calling defensiveness "gaslighting" damages relationships. Gaslighting is intentional manipulation of reality; defensiveness is a shame-based panic response. Labeling it wrong shuts down dialogue and blocks repair.
Let's talk about something I see all the time in my therapy room and online. The word gaslighting being used a lot and being misused. One time in the middle of a session, my client turns to me and says, See Dr. Tracy? He's gaslighting me. Sometimes it is gaslighting, but most of the time with what I see in the dynamic of the couples in front of me. What we're actually talking about is defensiveness. And confusing the two leads couples to get stuck, resentful, and ultimately they end up emotionally disconnected. Let's define the difference. Gaslighting is a form of emotional manipulation. It's when someone intentionally tries to make you question your reality, and this is often to avoid accountability or maintain power. But defensiveness, what I see in so many couples is different, and I think we need to highlight this difference. Defensiveness is a protective response. It happens when someone feels criticized, shame, or like they're failing in the relationship. And instead of taking in what the partner is saying, they end up pushing it away because they feel threatened by it. The impact of defensiveness might feel the same. You're not listening to me. Or I don't feel understood. But the intention and relational dynamic underneath it are very different. Here's a common example from my therapy room. You say, it really hurt when you didn't check in after my big meeting. They respond with, are you serious? I do so much for you. I can never get it right. Or, you're overreacting. It wasn't a big deal. Now, that might feel like gaslighting, but in many cases, this is a shame reaction. A person who doesn't know how to tolerate feeling like they've let you down. They're not trying to manipulate you. They're trying to protect themselves from the pain of not being good enough. Let's talk about why this actually matters. Because when we label something as gaslighting, we shut down and any chance of dialogue. We assume our partner is intentionally trying to harm us when they might be unintentionally trying to protect themselves. I want to make clear that doesn't mean the impact isn't real. It is. You feel hurt, you feel dismissed, unseen. But if we want to heal and grow, we have to get curious. We don't want to get certain. Ask yourself this, is my partner avoiding accountability entirely? Or are they panicking and shutting down under the weight of shame? The answer to that question is going to help you understand what's happening with your partner. In healthy relationships, we repair. We don't punish. We recognize that Sometimes people need to learn how to sit with discomfort and still stay in connection. So the next time your partner gets defensive, try something like this. I'm not saying you're a bad partner. I'm saying this moment hurt, and I need us to look at it together. If this resonated with you and you want more scripts to help you respond to defensiveness so your whole conversation doesn't get derailed, grab my 10 scripts to respond to Defensiveness. It's going to help you in your your partner stay on the same page and stay focused in your conversation. And if you're looking for more connection, join me in my 30 Days to Us relationship challenge. I created this for even the busiest couples so that you have one small thing to do in your relationship every single day so that you want to be close to them. All right, let's remember this. I'm gonna hold two truths. One, you deserve to be heard. And two, your partner might need help learning how to hear you. Let me know what you think in the comment section. I know Gaslighting versus defensiveness is such a hot topic. Click subscribe and I will see you next time.
