In this video Dr. Tracy Dalgleish answers a common question: why many new mothers feel more comfortable with their own mother than with their mother‑in‑law after giving birth. She begins by highlighting a striking statistic that 60‑77% of couples experience relational struggles in the first one to three years after a baby arrives, not because the relationship is broken but because it is unprepared for the seismic shift of parenthood. Dr. Dalgleish explains that the postpartum period is a time of extreme vulnerability; a mother’s nervous system seeks safety, connection, and care, and naturally turns to the most familiar source of support—her own mother. She notes that while mothers have a lifelong attachment roadmap with their own mothers, they lack a comparable script for the daughter‑in‑law role, making the mother‑in‑law relationship feel unfamiliar and potentially threatening. The video explores how established boundaries and history with one’s own mother (e.g., past negotiations about privacy, emotional expression, and caregiving) contrast with the need to negotiate new boundaries with a mother‑in‑law, who may unintentionally overstep (e.g., refusing to hand back the baby, giving unsolicited advice, or demanding tasks). Dr. Dalgleish offers practical communication strategies: clearly expressing needs and boundaries without blame, explaining the vulnerability of the postpartum period, and setting expectations about support. She also advises mothers‑in‑law on how to be genuinely supportive—offering help, asking how they can assist, and respecting the new mother’s autonomy—versus intrusive behaviors that exacerbate stress. Finally, she emphasizes that the mother’s well‑being is paramount; the baby’s needs are best met when the mother feels seen and safe, and that extended family should respect the couple’s boundaries as a way to stay included rather than excluded. The video ends with a call for viewers to share their postpartum experiences and questions.
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Is it normal for me to feel more comfortable with my mom than with my mother-in-law after having a baby? That's a question I received, and we're going to address it here because so many families get stuck in the what's fair, what's equal in families, and it ends up creating an additional stressor on the couple, the new parents who are just trying to find their footing after having a baby. I want to zoom out and emphasize a statistic that so many new parents are not aware of, and that is that 60% 77% of couples will experience relational struggles for the first 1 to 3 years after having a baby. And this isn't because there's something wrong with you and your relationship, but oftentimes because the relationship itself is not prepared for the seismic shift that has just happened in your relationship. And for so many people, one of the biggest challenges that comes up after having a baby is navigating extended families and expectations, roles, and desires. So let's answer this question. I wanna first emphasize that when it comes to having a baby, you are at your most vulnerable. You are trying to navigate loss of sleep, this new responsibility of this dependent being. And during those times, that precious time of being postpartum, a mother's nervous system is going to choose what is familiar for herself, not necessarily fairness. I hear from a lot of upset mothers-in-law that they didn't get to see the baby as often after baby was born, or that there's more time spent with her mother than with them being the mother of the son. And I really need to emphasize this point. Postpartum is such a vulnerable experience. This is a time when a mother is born, not just a baby is born, but this couple is being thrown into this new experience. And during that time, what, moms need most is safety, connection, and care. So naturally what we ask ourselves is, where do I feel the most safe? And who have I historically turned to in those times of need? Most moms are not asking, am I being equally kind during those postpartum days? I want to emphasize here, this is not about loyalty. It is not about preference, but it's about choosing what is safe and familiar. So is it common to feel more comfortable with your own mother after giving birth? Yes. Absolutely. There's another experience that's activated after giving birth and it activates your daughter role in some way, but we don't really have a roadmap for the daughter-in-law role. Here's what I mean. When you have a child, you don't just become a parent, but you also revisit what it was like to be parented. You have that roadmap with your own mother, but you don't have that with your mother-in-law. After becoming a mother, you might find yourself looking for extra comfort from your parent or looking for that validation or mother's guidance and approval. That would be a biologically natural thing to slip into after having a child. And again, this isn't about seeking fairness or equality between two families. It's actually about seeking what feels good for you and identifying your own attachment bond. It's kind of that saying of like, a mother wants her own mother to look after her when she's become a mother. If we think about the systems that we grow up in, there's another piece that's really important between a mother and a daughter, and that is that the daughter has years, a history, of established boundaries with her mother. Let's think about that for a moment. She was a 7-year-old who slammed her door and yelled, "I hate you!" And her mom still opened the door and said, "I'm here with you. Those words sting. You can be upset with me, but you can't say that. I'm never going to stop loving you." That's an early example of expressing emotions and knowing that your parent is still going to love you. Or being a teenager and expressing to your mother, "Don't read my diary and don't come into my room." That's a moment of asserting your boundary. You have a history with your own mother of doing that. And I remember one client saying, you know, when my mom's over in the house and I say, "Ma, pass me the baby," my mom knows to pass me the baby because these are the agreements that we've already made together. But when my mother-in-law is in my house, I can't just be myself because we're navigating a new kind of relationship and we don't have that deep of a relationship. So then I have to think about how I express my boundaries and how I ask for things. And there's also this agreement or unspoken agreement, rather, a contract act of, is she going to hand me back my baby when I say, hey, can you pass me my baby back? And unfortunately, there are many women who tell me the story where they said, hey, baby's crying, I'd like to hold my baby now. And mothers-in-law have said, oh, baby's fine, I'll just rock baby a bit more. That right there goes against the mutual agreement of boundaries expressed between two people. And in those postpartum days when you feel vulnerable and you're sleep deprived and you're navigating this new role, you want to be with somebody who is going to respect your boundaries and who is going to listen to you and not have you question who, what it is that you're asking or how you are asking for something. There's another element here that we have to consider, which is how your mother-in-law shows up to this dynamic. Is she supportive? Is she cheering you on? Is she asking how she can help you? Or is she telling you what you should be doing? Is she sitting on the couch asking you, a mother who just gave birth 2 days ago, to get her a glass of water? Is she telling you all the things that you need to put in place or how you aren't caring for her son during this time? If this mother figure comes into your home and is supportive and caring, then you are more likely to bring that person into your home. Maybe, maybe not in those first weeks. And that would also make sense given what I've just shared about your own needs and desires during this vulnerable time. But if this person is not supportive and not helping you, you might also want to not have them around at that time. Something I think about often when it comes to a mother being born, having her first baby, is that you are all navigating this, all of your roles for the first time. And many people before having a child don't talk explicitly about expectations and those unnamed expectations create pressure and resentment and unmet needs. If you have the desire to only have your mother around you after immediately giving birth, that needs to be expressed, not in a way that attacks the other person, but in the way that explains, this is a vulnerable time for me. And this is something that I need and want, ending on a positive. We can't wait to invite you in to be part of this experience with us. And this is that date that works best for us. And I think something that people need to remember, whether it's friends, a sibling, a sister-in-law, the mother-in-law, or your own mother, it is not personal. A mother giving birth and having boundaries afterwards, that's not about anybody else. It's about her. It's about her needing to tend to herself in all the ways that look good for her. And nobody in society can tell her what that should look like. And if you happen to find this video and you are the mother to a son, I just wanna pause and say, I see you. I am a mother to a son and I realize and recognize one day that I will be in that position as well, where I might not be the one invited in right away. And that in no way is going to determine how all of our relationships will unfold because I will remember that it's not personal. But if you found this video, here's what I want you to know. There are so many other meaningful ways that you can build support and care around this couple. And one of the most important things that you can do is to not make this time all about the baby. Remember, a mother is born and that mother is vulnerable and she needs to be seen first before her baby. And that when this couple expresses their boundaries, these are ways that are gonna help all of you stay together. That's the moment you say to them, I'm not respecting you. So remember, their boundaries are a way to keep you included in their life in a way that works for everybody, not in a way to exclude you. And this is such a vulnerable time for a couple. I'm curious to hear from you. What was your postpartum experience like? Did you want people around you? Did you want more time to connect and bond with baby? Tell me in the comments, let me know. I want to hear from you. And if you have a question for me, you can go ahead and submit it on the podcast. I've got the form in the show notes for you there. All right. Thanks for clicking play. I'll see you next time.
