Dr. Tracy Dalgleish explains how couples kill desire by treating sex as the only form of intimacy. She redefines intimacy to include emotional connection, non-sexual touch, shared activities, and intellectual bonds. Weekly exercises like sharing emotions and cuddling without pressure help rebuild closeness.
When you think of intimacy, do you automatically think of sex? Many couples do, and this is exactly what creates pressure. The pressure to want more, to perform, to always have it mean the same thing. And when sex doesn't happen, couples often assume that there's no intimacy at all. Pressure ends up killing desire. But intimacy is so much more than intercourse. If we define sex only as physical penetration, we miss the countless ways we can nurture closeness. Intimacy can be emotional, where you share a moment of joy, sadness, or even fear. It can be physical without being sexual, like holding hands, cuddling, or kissing just because it feels good. It can be experiential, like playing that new game or going for a hike on the trail. This week, I want you to practice expanding your definition of intimacy together. Here are some ideas: share one emotion that came up for you today—happiness, anxiety, contentment, worry. Explore touch without the expectation of sex. You might ask, "How do you like to be touched?" Try touching or kissing simply for pleasure, not as a lead-in to more. Try something new this afternoon, like listening to an audiobook or a podcast together and sharing ideas. And then notice how these smaller, more frequent ways of connection and being seen help you to feel closer overall. So your intention this week is this: redefine sex. See intimacy as happening on a spectrum. It can be emotional, physical, experiential, intellectual, value-based, or spiritual. By broadening how you and your partner connect, you take the pressure off sex and make space for closeness in many different forms. Let me know how it goes in the community, and I will see you next week.
