You Don't Have a Desire Problem. You Have a Conditions Problem.

I want to start with something today that I constantly hear in my therapy room, and I also hear from so many people in this community. There was a time where you used to want sex. You used to have it come easy, and now maybe you struggle to want it, or you don't want it, or at least it doesn't show up in the ways that it once did. And here's what happens next is then you start to wonder, is it me? Or your partner wonders, is it them? And then both of you are wondering, is there something wrong with our relationship?

I would imagine this is going to feel pretty familiar for a lot of listeners, particularly thinking about our listeners, kind of where they're at in their life journey, maybe just having kids or just gone through some changes, stress, kids, all the stuff, all the things.

And that's exactly why we are having this conversation, because I think the way most people talk about desire, including the advice that gets thrown around on the internet, is missing something so important. And we're going to get into that today. This is one of my favorite conversations to have because there are so many aha moments. It's like the sex ed that that you never got. Here's what I see: a couple before kids, before some significant life event, they had a pretty solid connection. Sex isn't perfect, it's not supposed to be, but it was there and they both wanted it. And then something shifts. For some people, there's sleep deprivation after having kids. For others, it's the mental load that lands unevenly, or it's the how do we get the kids to bed after a thousand things they ask. And then there is nothing left. And for a lot of people, for women specifically, they end up feeling touched out by the end of the day.

Yeah, I think the challenge is then the dude feels like he's done something wrong. He takes it personally.

Absolutely. Because then he reaches for her, she shuts down, and now you have two people who are struggling where she feels broken, or she feels like he only comes to me for sex, and then he feels rejected and confused. So here's one of the most common stories that I hear: I must not be attracted to my partner anymore. There must be something medically wrong with me. And we should start this conversation here. If you are struggling with desire, get some blood work done. You should check your hormones. We want to discover if there's something physiologically that's happening. So looking at thyroid, that's important in the whole picture. If that's the norm, then people still go to the 'there's something medically wrong with me.' The other common thing that couples tell themselves— 'We— this is just what happens when you have kids, so I guess we have to accept it.' Yeah, just, it is what it is. And I think that can sometimes feel really bleak for people because sex is a healthy, exciting part to a relationship, right? And that people do report greater relationship satisfaction when they are sexually connected. I'm going to share something with you that I have been formulating a lot, and it's actually opposite of what the advice you have traditionally heard me say. When we're talking about a desire issue, something that you're struggling with because of busyness and life getting in the way, right?

Then I think I know where you're going. There's like a tactical component to it, but then there's like a emotional and theoretical.

100%.

Does that make sense?

Yes. So there's really great advice in the context that it works in, which is schedule sex, which you have given, which I have given. And I believe that for some people it is the tool that works for them. Yeah, we have busy lives. We want to, but we just forget. You know, it's like going to the gym. Yeah, I'm not going to work out if it's not in my calendar.

Yeah.

And then weeks go by and I'm, oh wow, I haven't worked out. And also too, then I work out, I'm like, oh, this is so great, we should do this more often, right? Like, that's, that's the thing. But I think this advice can be really tricky when we're talking about a desire issue. So a lot of the advice is, you know, just go ahead and start and let your desire catch up, which can be helpful for some people. It can be initiate even when you're not in the mood, right? But I think that this advice is actually missing something really crucial. So for a woman who is running on empty. She has been the default parent all day. She has decision fatigue. Adding intimacy on my to-do list does not create desire. It creates pressure. And pressure is the number one thing that shuts down your desire. I loved learning about the Basson model. So Dr. Rosemary Basson, she's a psychiatrist in BC. She then found that desire actually emerges after engagement begins. So a woman is actually starting sexually neutral. It's after physical connection, it's after emotional connection where she feels safe and close. Desire doesn't just start in the bedroom, it starts so much more before that.

So waiting for it to happen, it's all the preconditions that kind of lead to it.

And this is what I really want you to hear. This is the through line for today's conversation. You don't have a desire problem, you have a conditions problem. And The positive part of that is that conditions are actually something you can work with. The research from Basson, from Dr. Basson, also found two types of desire. One is spontaneous desire. Spontaneous desire is what you see in the movies, right? You know, you look across and she's ready. It starts in our brains. But what tends to happen for women more, especially then when you think of those who are touched out all day, their desire is responsive desire. And that is where desire actually happens in the body. People who have responsive desire, the person who gets the party invite and the party's in 3 weeks and they're like, yeah, yeah, can't wait for the party. Yes. RSVP. Yes. And then that night it's like, oh, I'm in my sweatpants. Why did I say yes to the party? I don't want to go to the party. Okay, I just go. And then after the party you say, I'm so glad I went. If you, after sex with your partner, you likely have more responsive desire.

So is it fair to say that most dudes think they have spontaneous desire? But I think it's actually responsive.

So I think In general, it's different for each person. If you are constantly holding your phone and carrying your phone with you from room to room to room and you pick it up 100 times a day, your brain doesn't have a chance to even tap into those free-floating thoughts. But yeah, you won't have spontaneous desire anymore. You are numbed out and distracted.

Well, I think it's easy to get in this spiral of shame. I don't know if that's the right word. Like, I can't do anything right. Everything has to be perfect, because that leads to like this confusion. But I thought I was doing everything right, and then like it's still, it's still not happening. And then really, to me, the biggest takeaway— to me, as I hear you kind of flush it out, I'm like, okay, that makes sense.

I see a lot of men waiting, kind of putting the pressure on, is it now, is it now, is it now? Because the focus is just on sex.

Yeah.

And that's the pressure. They see their partner struggling with desire, they pull back completely. But what they don't realize is when they pull back, because they say something like I'm here for you, I'll wait for you. Yeah, you can work on your design.

They're almost too passive about it.

Yes, and they're missing that it's the conditions. So here's a common example. She says, I feel pressure, and he goes, oh, I don't want to do that. Okay, I pull back. Right, so he pulls back, but then he's not participating. They're not co-creating the conditions together, because then the next question he could be asking is, what are the moments where you feel you want to be close with me, tell me about those times, because then he can help participate in those. Not to put pressure.

It's like a giant overcorrection and the pendulum swings too far when it needs to be more nuanced in the middle.

So the first thing you can do then is more of a mindset shift. It's not an action item. Stop waiting for it to be spontaneous and then instead start asking yourself what would need to be true for desire to emerge. For a lot of women, it's less depletion, it's more connection, it's feeling like a person instead of just kind of existing. And it's also about inviting your partner in to be close to you and having that as a condition to start. And I want to say this to the partner with higher desire: it's the hug that doesn't turn into anything more. I know it's not what you're looking for exactly in the moment, but it is where desire can actually start to grow. I think something that for us that like aha moment is this idea that we touch our phones more than we touch each other. Yeah, so touch each other in the way that builds connection without the expectation for it to go anywhere. This last piece, what I would want for you to get out of today's conversation is that to have a conversation earlier, or to just start a conversation about this, and to have sex and desire and arousal and what excites you and what doesn't— this is not you personally, this is not about you, it's not about our relationship. It's about now, how do we then get to have more of this play, fun, pleasure? And that actually is more vulnerable, to go to your partner and say, I miss that excitement in my belly that we used to have when we were apart and we would come back together. And when you say, I miss that, then you say, how can we build that in together? So here's what I want to leave you with this week. So ask yourself, what conditions would need to be different for desire to exist in my life right now? That's a very different question than asking what's wrong with me, but instead saying, what are we missing in the context of our life?

I think what I'm taking away too, it's not just something you either have or you don't. It kind of like ebbs and flows, and, and that conditions piece is it.

And if there is something that you bring to your partner today, you can talk about the desire types? Do you think it starts spontaneously in your brain, or is it something that happens more in the body as a reaction? All right, thank you for clicking play today, and if anything resonated from today, share it with your partner or with someone you love. I have to remind you at the end of every podcast episode that this is for educational purposes only and does not substitute for the care from a licensed mental health care provider. See you next time.