You Don't Have to Be His Therapist

Hey, it's Dr. Tracy Dalgleish, and today's conversation might be a little uncomfortable, but I think it's one that we need to have. And I want to walk us through this because I think it is really going to change how we experience things in our relationship. Here's what I know about you being in this community with me. You're curious about your relationship. You want to feel more connected. You want to be a conscious parent perhaps, but you're also looking to see What's my stuff? How do I show up here? So I posted this reel and the comments that came in were very much along this line. They said things like, so now I have to be my husband's therapist. So this is a man-child. Why can't he be responsible for his emotions? And it completely makes sense. So I'm going to first validate and acknowledge that there are so many women today who sit in this position who say, it's all on me. I'm carrying this heavy load. I am exhausted. I am resentful. And I am lonely. And it's like you're screaming it. I totally get it. And if you've read my first book, you also know, I know that feeling to my core as a human of what it means to feel resentful in a relationship, to carry the mental load, to feel like nothing is ever going to change. And I want to then shift into this key thing. So I'm going to play the reel and we're going to talk about what I think was the triggering point for people. And so I'm going to break it down. So here's the first thing that I say in the reel. Hey, love, can you do bath time tonight? I'm going to get the dishes done. I'm so overwhelmed tonight. Okay, I ask for help. I'm saying, hey love, I'm overwhelmed. I'm using all the good communication tools, okay? I'm not blaming him, I'm not attacking him. I'm letting him know where I'm at. This is my experience right now, can you help? So she asks for help, and then he replies. And remember, I've written this skit— I write the skits based on very real experiences that people have.

I guess, but like, I'm not allowed to be overwhelmed too? You kind of make it sound like I don't do anything.

Okay, so right here I had Greg act defensive because how many times do we go to our partners and say, can you please help? And they're like, what, like I'm not helping? I remember, um, just this like really loud moment of understanding what happens for people when they get swallowed up in shame is it's this— and I posted this a few years ago and it went viral— it, it's the, when I ask you to do the dishes, I didn't say you're not enough. When I ask you to just listen and to not problem solve, I didn't you're inadequate, right? It's all these moments where our partners take what we share and they slip into shame. So right here in the skit, Greg gets defensive and then I do this next. And I think this is the piece that triggered people. Hey, what's going on? I'm not attacking you. Okay. Right here in this moment, I say, wait, what's going on? I'm not attacking you. And this is the moment where I think so many people said, So I have to be his therapist now. Oh, great. So I'm just going to carry the emotional load. Or how about putting it on one more? Let me just finish up how the reel goes. So then you hear how it goes.

I think I just got defensive when you asked for help. All I felt was like, oh, you're not doing enough.

Oh, listen, you're enough. And I'm just so overwhelmed. Let's figure this out together. Okay, so when I say that, I say, hey, what's going on? It cues him to pause. And this is a form of metacommunication. Metacommunication is me not getting swept away into what's being said, into the words that are being said. Because here's what so commonly happens in our cycles, is that you say, hey, I need help. And then your partner says, like what, I don't do enough around here? That's the defensiveness. Then you respond to that defensiveness, that throws you into your negative cycle, which is the, oh my gosh, why can't I ask for help? Like, it's not that big of a deal. It's nothing. Okay. But this is a moment where you are, you are absolutely not your partner's therapist. You are not doing their legwork, but instead you are standing. And I want you to just picture this for this moment. You are standing with your two feet planted on the ground. And you get to make a conscious decision. The conscious decision is, do I meet my husband at the low road? The low road is the emotional draw that he's pulling me in, because when he's defensive, which is covering up his shame, he's pulling me into the low road. And that low road is filled with defensiveness, blame, criticism, contempt, the emotional place in there. But instead, I'm standing there with my two feet on the ground, and I am making a choice. And the choice in that moment is, what do I want to do here? I don't want to get stuck in this. I don't want to keep repeating the same pattern. It doesn't get me anywhere. And I am choosing to not fall into his shame spiral. And so that's the moment where I say, hey, what's going on here? I need you to hear me on this. Okay. I just had to lean back to really Have you— hear me on this— you asking your partner, what's going on right here, is not you carrying the emotional load. This is not you doing the heavy lifting. It's you being relational. It's you consciously choosing, I'm going to go the high road. And the high road is I'm not falling into that negative cycle with you and doing this dance that you and I constantly get stuck in. Instead, I want to have a different outcome and I want to focus on my needs. And so what I actually say in response to Greg then is he says, oh, I think I just got into my shame spiral. Then I say, hey, that's not what I'm saying. You are enough. And I want to find a way that we can problem solve this because I'm so overwhelmed. I actually go back and focus on the issue at hand. And that right there, it's all of our agency and choice and control. I am not this man's therapist. I will not do the heavy lifting. If I ask him, hey, what's going on? And he says nothing, then I redirect and keep focused on what I want to do. That is me with all my agency and control and choice. That is not me sitting in the position of being this man's therapist, of having a man-child, of having to do all of the emotional work for him. One of the things that we are struggling with right now today And I need you to hear me with this. I know because you're mad, you're angry, and you're alone is that you are so frustrated with what your partner is doing. And I get it. I see it. And it's so frustrating. And I sit in sessions with clients and I say to men, it's time for you to step in. It's not okay to not do what you say you're going to do. How do we then get you to be accountable? Because it's not okay to just say I'm sorry, and, you know, let the trust break 1,000 times. That's not relational. I'm doing that work. And what's so important though, is you recognizing that you always have a choice of how you respond and choosing how you respond does not make you the one responsible for all of their stuff. But instead, it's about you getting what you need That's the win here. Because when I reframe and say, hey, what's going on right here? And then I redirect back to, I just need help tonight. That's me getting my needs met. That's me saying, I'm not going to let shame derail our communication right here and derail me getting exactly what it is that I need. All right. That's my piece today. Thank you for clicking play. As always, I want to hear what you think. I want to hear what's the hard part about taking this approach to communication. And if anything resonated from today, let me know in the comments section. Don't forget to hit subscribe, and I'll see you next time.