5 Jul 2022 · 9 min
Dr. Ed Torrey introduces frame control: changing how people see a situation to shift their emotions and behavior. A 4-year-old running toward traffic looks cute, dangerous, or like a film scene depending on the frame. Torrey argues this is ethical when it honors the relationship's purpose, manipulative when it violates trust.
This is Dr. Torrey. Welcome to the Influence Every Day show, where we make every day better and we influence for good. In this episode of Influence Every Day, we're going to cover one of the most powerful tools in communication, behavior change, rapport, and influence. But we're going to start off with a demonstration. First, I want you to imagine there's a little girl, she's about 4 years old, and she's giggling really hard, looking back over her shoulder. Imagine a four year old girl giggling really hard as she looks back over her shoulder, running forward. So she's running, looking back over her shoulder and giggling really hard. And I'm talking about like the type of giggle you would see like on a YouTube video or something that people forward to each other, like a hard kid giggle, like that. So now she's giggling, she's looking back over her shoulder and she's running forward. Now take note of how you feel in this moment about that scene, about that little girl, right? Now imagine that there are two adults chasing after her. One has their arms outstretched. Both of them have the look of worry on their face. They're chasing after her. She's still giggling, looking back over her shoulder, running forward, but she's headed right for a busy street. There are cars whizzing by, 40 miles an hour, 45 miles an hour, 50 miles an hour, and she's headed right for that street. Take note of how you feel. Now imagine we step back a little bit further and we see that those same adults chasing after that same girl, giggling on her way into a busy street. There are cameras, there are lights, there's a producer, there's a director, there's a Hollywood set. And essentially there are actors and actresses. Same little girl, same giggle, same street, same adults, but it's a Hollywood set. Now take note of how you feel. Well, what just happened? Essentially, I gave you the data, I gave you the information, but each time I gave you a slightly different lens, a slightly different frame, you had a very different emotion. In the first one, you probably thought that, you know, that it was cute, right? You were imagining something really cute. Unless you have a toddler already, then you know she was going to bump into something, right? So you were a little on edge. But in either case, it was a very different emotion than the next scene, which was, by the way, the. The same exact scene, just slightly different, expanded information, expanded lens. You had a very different emotion, one of either worry or concern or why is he even doing this exercise, right? And then the next scene, there may have been relief Right. You may have felt okay. Oh, okay, so she was safe now. And for some of you, it may have. Even any one of those scenes may have triggered a deeper emotion related to something in your past. With three different descriptions of the same exact scene, you ended up with three very different emotions. That is what we call frame control. When you control a frame, you control how somebody sees a scene, how somebody sees a situation, how they see a person, a colleague, a friend, a loved one, how they see their current situation, their current circumstances. Right? And this affects so many things. Not just emotions, but affects behaviors, it affects conversation, it affects mindset, it affects state. It affects all of these things simply by changing a frame. And so frame change, Frame control is one of the most powerful tools known to humankind when it comes to communication. And, you know, you've heard that saying, a picture is worth a thousand words. Well, be careful, because that same picture with different words attached to it can have a completely different meaning. And that's essentially what we do with frame control. Now, obviously, this whole thing, influence every day, is all about ethical influence and rapport and persuasion and relationships and communication in such a way that we're influencing for good. Influencing for good in the sense that for betterment and also influencing for good because it's sticky. It stays, it lasts. Right now, some of you might be wondering, well, wait a minute, is this evil? Should we even be doing frame control if it's that powerful, if it can change behaviors and change states and emotions and mindsets, should we even be dabbling in this domain? Well, the answer is absolutely, and here's why. Because your relationships depend on it. If you are a parent and you're influencing your child, you have a duty to change frames. You have a duty to manage frames for how they see their career, how they see their relationship with neighbors, with loved ones, with family, with, you know, their. Their future spouses or kids or whatever like. You have a duty to manage frames. If you're a leader in an organization, you have a duty to manage the frame of the people that report to you or the people that are. That are serving the organization in some way. If you are working in the community and you are advocating for a cause, you have a duty to manage frames. You have a duty to influence. If you are stopping by a friend's house and you know they recently had a loss or a breakup or something, what are you doing there? Why are you there? You're there to influence. You're there to change their state. You're there to help them through a difficulty that is your duty. Now, why does it sometimes feel like this is manipulation or evil or underhanded? Well, the reason is because there are times when people misuse this, where at some point they cross a boundary. And I'll tell you where the boundary is. The boundary is the social contract. The boundary is in how people are coming together to begin with. In other words, a parent influencing a child. There is a social contract. There is an understanding that is what the parent is there to do. That's part of their job. If you go to a physician or a nurse practitioner or a PA and you're going there for your health, or you're going to some wellness practitioner, you're going there for your well being, for your health. And their job is to influence your health and so they can pull out all kinds of stops because to, to try to influence you. If they're, if they have that tool of frame change and frame management, it can be a powerful tool to actually accomplish the very reason you're, you're brought together. It's, it's just like you going to a friend to console them or to celebrate them in something they've done or accomplished, right? You're going there with a purpose and that purpose is understood by both of you. When it becomes evil, underhanded, manipulative is when the intentions are different, when the intentions violate the social contract, that's when it becomes, that's when it crosses a boundary. So we're going to cover an influence every day. We're going to keep covering tools, tips, strategies, things that you can do every single day in those areas where you already have the social contract, where your job is to influence. We're going to help you build up the tools and the skills to be able to do that. So, so that's what Influence Every Day is all about. Listen every week there are a few episodes and this will help you in your day to day. That's a promise. This will help you in your day to day. So listen on the way to work, listen on the way to school. Maybe the first thing you do when you wake up, don't check your email, by the way, that affects your state, different episode. Don't check your email first thing. Don't check the computer or the news, for crying out loud, don't check the news. But instead listen to something that will better your day and influence. Every day is all about getting better every day by influencing for good. Thank you for joining me. More to come on this frame change thing, we'll get into specifics how you can use frame management in your own emotions as well as that of influencing others for good. This is only the end of today's show if you let it be. Who needs to hear what you just heard? Go ahead and share it with them right now. The Influence Every Day podcast is free. We don't sell advertising space, so telling others is the best way to pay us back. But more importantly, it's the best way to pay it forward. If you enjoyed today's podcast, take a moment to rate and review the show. Then check out the additional links and materials that go along with it. They offer more ways to take your influence, your impact, and your relationships to a whole new level. Now go forth and influence for good every day.
