A podcast episode (Influence Every Day, Ep. 008) in which Dr. Ed Torrey draws on nine years managing patients in a cardiac surgery program to describe three consistent end-of-life reflections he observed—concern about God, family, and how one treated others. He uses an anecdote about an elderly patient regretting a past unkind interaction to urge listeners to address relationships and regrets now, learn from others' regrets, and adopt habits of better influence and kindness. The episode closes with a recommendation of Daniel Pink’s book on regret and practical calls to action (reach out, appreciate others, share the episode).
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This is Dr. Torrey. Welcome to the Influence Every Day show, where we make every day better and we influence for good. Hey, this is Dr. Tory with influence Every Day. I just wanted to cover something that I think is ultra important because we are going to reflect on this if we're given the opportunity towards the end of our lives. For nine years, I ran a cardiac surgery program where I did. I'm not the surgeon, right? Like, my wife doesn't even let me cut vegetables. I manage the patients before and after cardiac surgery. You can imagine, over nine years, I saw thousands of patients. And during that time, those thousands of patients, I noticed a theme. There were actually three themes that were common right before people went into the operating room. Now, it's kind of interesting because I used to have long hair and I had a beard, not long hair, but like almost shoulder length. And so I would walk in the room and people were like, oh, thank you, Jesus. Or other times, they'd be like, get that guy out of here. I think he's reminding my mother of death. Here's the thing. People are going into cardiac surgery, so guess what? They're confronting their mortality. They are coming to grips with the fact that this might be it. Now, fortunately, people do really, really well most of the time with cardiac surgery. People who are having general run of the mill valve surgery or bypass surgery, they do pretty well, right? It's a long recovery process, but they do well. They don't know that, though, right? You're about to go into the operating room for a surgery on your heart, so what are you thinking about? You're thinking about the end of your life. And in those moments, I saw a theme, a common theme, that it wasn't just common. It was every single person I saw that talked to me about death before they went in or talked to me about regrets and things like that before they went into the surgery. Every single one. It didn't matter what their gender was, what their race was, their ethnicity, their language, their culture, their age, their. Their socioeconomic backgrounds. None of that mattered. They was all the same thing across cultures, across genders, across ages, across languages. They were worried about the same three things. It was God, it was family, and it was how they treated other people. At the time, the cardiac surgery program was in Baltimore. One day, I was seeing a patient as they were going in, and she was like, probably early 80s, and she was. They were starting to wheel her bed out of the room to go back to the operating room. And I was just sort of seeing her off before she went in and just saying, you know, hey, we're gonna take care of you. You know, whatever. I'll see you afterwards. You know, pumping her up and getting her ready to talk afterwards. And her son looked over at her and goes, hey, mom, don't worry, you know, we'll be watching the Ravens together on Sunday. And she looks over at him, then she looks back at me, and then she looks. And she looks at me, and she goes, I don't know what the hell he's talking about. I don't care about the Ravens right now. She's like, you know, about seven or eight years ago, I was in a Walmart and I had to return something, and I really mistreated the lady behind that desk. And I wish I could just say I was sorry. I wish I could just say I was sorry. Do you know how many times I heard stories like that? Stories where people reflected on an estranged relationship or how they treated somebody that might have seemed an insignificant moment. Returning something at Walmart, who remembers that? And she's remembering it while she is confronting her own mortality. What do we do with that? Well, let's start reflecting on that now. Let's start reflecting on how we treat other people now. And that is actually the entire point of this podcast. This podcast is all so that we treat others and ourselves better through influence, through rapport, through engagement, behavior, change. All these subjects that sometimes can be used for better bad purposes. Right? A lot of this has to do with intent. A lot of it has to do with the social contract. A lot of it has to do with character and habits. And so the point of influence every day is so that we set up these good habits. And one of the primary reasons is to set up good habits on how we treat other people. This is what we're going to reflect on at the end of our lives, so why not start acting on it now? Who do you have to reach out to that you haven't spoken to in a while? Who should you connect with a relationship that may have sort of drifted? Perhaps it's okay that that relationship drifted, but can't you just reach out and just let them know you appreciate them? Tell somebody you appreciate them. Thank somebody that did something for you. Do you know what it's like if you're a teacher and you receive something from an old student? Or if. If you're an estranged family member and you receive something from somebody that you haven't heard from in a long time or a friend that you haven't heard from in a long time, you're just being told that somebody was thinking of you. Maybe they were praying for you, maybe they were talking, telling a good story about you. And they're letting you know those kind of moments are gold. So don't let them slip by. Don't be like that lady who was sitting there with that regret, a regret that she can't act on to some degree. She can't act on it when she's done with her surgery. She may not find that same woman at Walmart to tell her how sorry she was, but she can treat that next person a little better, right? And this is one of the beauties of regret, actually. So, first of all, one of the beauties of it is that you're hearing this story right now on in the Influence every Day podcast. You have the ability to act on it, to learn from that woman's 80 plus years of experience and what she's concerned about before she heads into an operating room and potentially confronts her own death. You have the opportunity to reflect on that now and take action on it. Now, that's a beauty of regret because you can learn from other people's regrets. And another beauty of regret is that it can change your behavior. So when she got out of the operating room, guess what? You know, she still watched the Ravens game. Do you know why? Because she realized how she treated her son as she was going in. She told me this later. She was like, you know, I really shouldn't have said it to him that way, but I was just having this sort of spiritual moment. I was like, yeah, I understand, but your son needs you too, right? The beauty of regrets is that we can act on them, change our behavior moving forward. Even if you can't find that person to say I'm sorry to, or you, if you didn't leave somebody in the. In the best of ways, and maybe they passed on, well, can you take a good characteristic from them and pay it forward? Perhaps a family member passed away and you can't say I'm sorry or have the heart, the conversation that you wish you had, but you can still make them live on, right? By reflecting on the fact that you weren't able to have that interaction and go treat people the way you wish you did there, or take a characteristic that's awesome about that person and pay it forward. Maybe, maybe your mother passed and she was really great with the neighbors. So go be great with the neighbors. How you treat people is what you're going to reflect on. If you're given the opportunity to reflect at the end of your life. Why not do it now? By the way, I don't want to regret not mentioning that there's a awesome book by Dan Pink. Daniel Pink has a new book out on regrets and the power of regret. Go ahead and check that out. Find it on Amazon. I'll provide links and stuff. Check out that book because it will change the way you look at regrets. And hopefully I changed it a little bit today by this story that I have seen time and time again that at the end of life, this is what people reflect on God, Family and how they treated other people. I recommend that we start learning about those now. The Influence Every Day podcast is all about giving you the skills to improve how you treat other people and how you treat yourself too, because that's actually a huge part of how you treat other people. Now all that for another lesson, another day in the Influence Everyday podcast. I hope you found this helpful. God, family, how you treated other people. Go address those things and specifically how you treat other people and I'll see you in the next episode. This is only the end of today's show if you let it be. Who needs to hear what you just heard? Go ahead and share it with them. Right now, the Influence Every Day podcast is free. We don't sell advertising space, so telling others is the best way to pay us back. But more importantly, it's the best way to pay it forward. If you enjoyed today's podcast, take a moment to rate and review the show. Then check out the additional links and materials that go along with it. They offer more ways to take your influence, your impact, and your relationships to a whole new level. Now go forth and influence for good every day.
