027 How A Crime Scene Can Transform Your Relationships

This is Dr. Torrey. Welcome to the Influence Every Day show, where we make every day better and we influence for good.

What if I told you that a French criminal criminologist from the early 1900s could transform your relationships? Well, it's true. His name was Edmond Locard. He was often called the Sherlock Holmes of Lion L Y o N. In 1910, he founded one of the first crime labs in the world. Now, he had a principle called Locard's principle, or also called the exchange principle in forensics. And essentially it said this. Every contact with leaves a trace. Every contact leaves a trace. So essentially, when two people, or a person and an environment, or an environment and a person, when they come into contact with each other, they leave behind materials, they leave behind traces, they leave behind evidence. It might be hair, might be fibers, it might be fingerprints, it might be skin sloughings, it might be heat exchange. But in any case, whenever two people come into contact, they leave a trace. Now, wow, what a lesson we could take from that. If you think about it, if you apply that to your interactions at work, if every contact at work leaves a trace, will that change how you behave? Will that change your interactions? Will that change your email? Will that change, you know, how you address others? Will that change your behavior in front of others? If every contact leaves a trace, will that change your behavior at home with your spouse or your loved one? Will it change your behavior in front of your kids or with your parents? If every contact leaves a trace, how will that change your behavior in the community? How will it change your own interactions with people at customer service or in the street or wherever you are? How will it change you? You see, it's really interesting because we can extrapolate a few lessons from this. First of all, every interaction leaves a trace. Every contact leaves a trace. Well, if you think about that, we're leaving behind traces that are not immediately obvious, much like a criminal. When a criminal commits a crime, the traces that are left, the hair fibers, the pieces of cloth, the skin under nails or things like that, all of that stuff that's left that remains, it is unbeknownst to the person that actually did it. In other words, the criminal is not aware of the traces that they left behind or that remain on them. Likewise, when we interact with other people, we're often not aware. In fact, most of the time, we are not aware of the traces we've left on others. And sometimes they are not aware either. You know why? Because it's happening at the non conscious level. We are leaving behind Emotional and psychological traces of our interactions. Next, if you think about it, when a criminal commits a crime, they don't want to leave traces behind, right? They, they, whether they intend to or not, they leave traces, they leave evidence. Similarly, when we have our interactions with others, oftentimes we're kind of just winging it. And when we do, we're not necessarily intending anything, we're kind of like doing our thing, but we're actually interacting with others and we are leaving traces whether we intend to or not. I told you in a prior episode that although influence is inert, meaning it's neither good nor bad, it is always happening. It's always happening. And so likewise, whether you intend to or not, you are leaving emotional and psychological traces of the fact that you had an interaction or an interaction was witnessed by somebody else. So you're leaving that evidence behind. Now, when it comes to negative stuff, conflict, right, if we have exchanges with other people that involve anger or resentment or dishonesty, or even just simply unmet expectations, it leaves a trace. It leaves a trace. And sometimes as these things occur again and again, they accumulate, they start to build up. And what happens is it starts to become a body of evidence. If there's conflict at a crime scene, say full on physical violence, then that conflict leaves behind debris. It's not just a trace anymore because, because it's things that are broken and scuff marks and things that are left and cuts, blood stains and all that. Well, when we have conflict in our relationships, anger, resentment, dishonesty, unmet expectations, sometimes we're leaving behind emotional debris. And how you clean it up really matters. If, if you're a criminologist or an investigator of some sort and you arrive at a crime scene, how the evidence is collected, how it's cleaned up, how the scene is cleaned up really matters. You've seen in crime movies, right, they're using gloves and plastic bags and being very deliberate about making sure they check for fingerprints before they mark it up or scuff it up in any kind of way. And they put it away very meticulously. Well, what happens when you leave behind a bunch of emotional debris? What are your apologies like, how do you make up for it? What's your behavior longer term afterwards, did it change? Are you cleaning up that debris or are you throwing more debris onto the pile? Now, if every contact leaves a trace, so do the good ones, the good contacts. If you happen to do an act of kindness or demonstrate understanding or just an act of service in some way, shape or form, it Leaves behind evidence. If you are actively listening to somebody or you create an environment of psychological safety for the other person or for a team of people or for an entire organization, if you do that, you're leaving traces. And what's really awesome about these is that it builds up a body of evidence, much like clues, and traces are compiled to shape the evidence. You know, I have, by the way, I have two colleagues. One was in my med school class, went on to become a forensic psychiatrist, which is, like, really cool. And then another person is a medical pathologist who happens to help solve crimes by looking at the crime scenes. I find their work fascinating, but I personally need to stay away from all that. Sort of. Like, if I'm always in a negative space, it affects me. Every contact leaves a trace, so I don't want to be in that space too often. I still find it incredibly fascinating. Fascinating that if you think about it, what's happening is they're bringing these traces and this evidence and this. This debris, and they're bringing it all together, and it's building up a body of evidence. Well, that's what your relationships are like. That act of kindness that you did, where your kids saw it and you didn't know that was building up some evidence. And then you did another act of kindness and they saw it and you knew about it and you talked about it, and then you. You're kind to your spouse in front of them, or you do an act of service. It's building up a body of evidence that you're a kind person. If you create psychological safety for individuals when you talk to them, or for people on your team or for an entire organization, guess what? It. It's noticed. And the body of evidence builds up every single time you're interacting with somebody. You're leaving behind a trace, and that trace is. Is contributing to a body of evidence. I mean, it goes even deeper than this. I mean, if we started to talk about things like the world of entertainment, video games and movies, advertising and marketing, actually our desires, the traces that they leave are shaping our desires. Who we hang around leaving traces, shaping our desires, what we see as beautiful, what we find offensive. All of these things are compiled over time because of traces left by who we're hanging around, what we're watching, what we're scrolling. This stuff really matters. And so if that's the case, if a French criminologist from the early 1900s knew this to be true, and it still holds true to this day, that every contact leaves a trace, then don't you think we should stop winging it? Don't you think it's time to be intentional? Don't you think it's time to be deliberate? Your relationships are too important. Your career is too important. The service you provide to the world is too important to wing it. So stop winging it. I can help you stop winging it. You can check out all the resources I have@drtori.com but the first thing I want you to do is just this. Commit to being deliberate. To be intentional. To recognize that your next interaction, no matter how big or small, it's going to leave a trace. What kind of trace do you want to leave behind? What kind of evidence will you leave? I'll see you in the next episode.

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