039 Responses vs Responsiveness

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This is Dr. Torrey. Welcome to the Influence Every Day show, where we make every day better and we influence for good.

Have you ever walked up to talk to somebody and they were already on their phone scrolling, but you happen to notice they're just scrolling through social media, not doing anything like actively texting somebody or communicating with somebody. And you go up and you start to talk to them and they sort of respond, but they keep scrolling through their social media. How did that make you feel? Let's say a child just finishes a drawing. They drew a picture and they started coloring it, and then they bring it up to the adults in the room and they're like, look at what I drew. Oh, that's nice, honey. And then they go right back to talking. Have you ever been in a restaurant where the server is coming to take care of some stuff on your. At your table? And they're like, hey, how is everything? And. But as they're, as they ask, how is everything? They're actively doing something else. They're not waiting for your answer. They're not attentive to your answer. How did that make you feel? Maybe your spouse says, you know, I'm kind of worried about this, this thing coming up. And. And then you just said, hey, don't worry about it. You got this, or we'll be fine. Just answer that way. How do you think he or she felt? Have you ever talked to somebody that's. It's almost like their words, their lips are ready to move. They've already know what they're going to say. They're just waiting for you to take a breath and stop talking so that they can pounce with what they're going to say. They're not hearing you. How did that make you feel? See, sometimes we respond, but are we being responsive? There's a big difference between responding and being responsive. Now, to be responsive, you have to respond. So the bigger bucket of responses, it's a wide spectrum of responses. But I'm talking about that reactive one liner. Yes. No finite kind of response. In any response. We all want it to be a timely response. We all want it to be clear. We want some clarity. We also want follow through. Right. In any of our relationships, whether it's at work or at home. And any response needs those elements. Let's take a look at some of those scenarios and break down what's the difference between an abrupt response and actually being responsive? Responding or reacting or a reflex sort of response back is often one that is automatic. It's sometimes it's transactional or surface level, superficial. It's like just enough. It might just answer the question. But when we're responsive, rather than just being a reflex, there's a little more thought, there's a little more meaning. Rather than being automatic, there's a little more potential for being adaptive, there's a little more option for tweaking. There's. And rather than being transactional, it's relational. Rather than being surface level, rather than being superficial, being responsive considers context. It potentially opens the door for depth. And rather than just answering a question, it answers the question and anticipates anticipates needs beyond the question. That's the difference between just responding and being responsive. Some quick examples. Somebody asks if you can do something, and you say, yeah, sure, I can do that, versus yeah, sure I can do that. Is there anything else I should know going into this? There's a big difference between responding with I heard you and I heard what you said, but you hesitated a bit. Is every. Is there more to this or something I need to know that's being responsive. Responding might be just sharing what you think. Here's what I think. Whereas being a little more responsive would be to say, before I share my thoughts, I'd like to hear what others think. Being responsive is vital to all of our relationships, any relationship that's important to you. Now, to be clear, this doesn't mean that you don't have boundaries. Some of the qualities of being responsive or some of the benefits of being responsive include. It builds trust. See, if you are responsive, the person on the other end feels heard, they feel valued, they feel respected. Even if there was a boundary, even if you don't agree, even if you said, no, you can have a responsive. No, you can have a responsive setting of boundaries. You can have responsive disagreements. Because responsiveness includes caring. It includes validation. It includes understanding. When you have validation and clarity and understanding and trust, what you have is less misunderstanding, less delays in what you're trying to accomplish, and improved collaboration. So there are some people, sometimes, especially like in some work settings, you'll meet people who, the moment you send an email, they fire back a response. There was, I'm not saying you have to sit there and mull over and ruminate over every email, but a rapid response is sometimes depending on what the thing is. Like if you're just saying, hey, what was the name of that person? Bam. You give the name, okay, that's fine. But if it's something like, hey, do you think we should go with this or that? They just reply, bam, we should go with a. Wait a minute. No explanation, no thought, no. No anticipation of why I'm asking. No, they think they're being efficient by responding to an email abruptly. But what's happening is, first of all, you're actually creating a culture of rapid responses to email, which means you have to live on your email. So be careful of that. I'm not saying that's always the case, but be careful. And then the other is that you think that, that because there's rapid response, that that is good follow through. And it can be. But there is a such thing as too quick. There is such a thing as having not enough space between the time you receive the email, the time to process, and the time to reply. And so Viktor Frankl, who wrote the book Man's Search for Meaning, has a phenomenal quote. Between every stimulus and response, there is a space. Let me say that one more time. Between every stimulus and response, there is a space. What do we do with that space? If the space is really short, then you get that abrupt, quick bam reply. But what happens if you consider that maybe there's a deeper context? Consider maybe there are some needs beyond the original request. If you anticipate needs and consider a deeper context, then you give that space its due. So between every stimulus and response, there is a space. Let's fill that space with thought. Let's fill it with meaning. Let's fill it with care. When you do that, that's what moves us forward, not a rapid reply. What moves us forward is being thoughtful about what lies between the stimulus and the response. In your relationships. Sure, you've responded, but were you responsive? I'll see you in the next episode.

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