041 Behavior Change - Beware of this Slippery Slope

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This is Dr. Torrey.

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We influence for good. If you're trying to change something in your life, I want to warn you about one of the most common slip ups. In fact, it's a slippery slope. It's an actual slippery slope. And I found that almost every time I have failed in my own behavior change efforts, trying to build a skill or trying to stop doing a habit, almost every time I slip, it's related to this one thing. This one thing. Deal making. Deal making. This is like a voice inside of our heads that sounds like this, oh, I had a long day. Let me take a break. Or I should reward myself. It's okay, I'm out with friends. I don't want to offend the host. I'll just take this one, this small one. After all, I really want more than this. If you're trying to lose weight or eat better or exercise, oh, it's okay if I skip this one, this one walk, or if I skip this one run, right? This sort of talk, this sort of deal making, oh, after the vacation, that's when I'll start my sugar fast or whatever, right? Like that type of language. After I do this, oh, tomorrow. It's not just about procrastination. What the pattern here is is deal making. The pattern is deal making. If you're making a deal, see, it feels like it's actually something good to do. Generally, we think, especially between people, we think it's good to make a deal, it's good to make a compromise, it's good to come to a middle ground. But what's happening here is when you do that with yourself as it relates to a behavior, a behavior change that you want to implement, when you do that with yourself, it's not a deal, it's not a compromise, it's something more than that. So let me tell you what some of these sound like. There are a couple different patterns that are worth recognizing or principles that are worth acknowledging here. The first is that they are. There are justifications like some of the ones that I said initially, oh, I had a long day, so let me just binge watch this series or I it's okay, I'm out with friends. I'll have a little more. I'll have a bigger dessert or I'll have whatever. It's okay, I should reward myself after all. So I'm going to spend that money I don't have. I'll start in the morning right after this trip. So I. It's okay if I do it now. And so these are justifications. I deserve this. It's just this once. If it's only this once, it's okay because I'm going to get back to it, right? Maybe you're out at someone's house and you justify your oh, let me take a dessert or let me take a second helping or a third helping because I don't want to offend the host. This is the language that's going on inside of our heads when we are justifying slipping on our goals. That's what it is. We're justifying our slip on our goals. There are other ways that this occurs. There, There are small deals. So for example, I'll just do a few reps now because technically I still did them, right? That's like a deal. Like I promised myself I would do these things. You know what, I'll cut the reps down this time or I'll do the meditation later today rather than this morning. Because I want to do A, B or C, right? So that's a deal. It's I'll do this later. I'll just take one. Because after all, I really want a lot. So at least I'm not taking a lot, right? These are small deals that we're making with ourselves. Now. There are other times where we're sabotaging ourselves with limiting beliefs. Oh, this won't make a difference. Doing 10 push ups after each meal, like really 10 push ups, is that really going to make a difference? Probably not. Or if I just walk for 15 minutes, is that really going to change my health? And so we sabotage ourselves because we minimize the behavior or the amount or the fact that we're just starting out. This is actually the highest risk time for self sabotage because we think we're taking these small steps and we think the steps are too small. Not recognizing that there is a snowball effect in both directions when it comes to our behavior change is well documented. So that's what sabotage limiting beliefs look like. Or I already failed. How many times have I missed xyz? Or how many times have I tried to stop doing that behavior and I went back to it. I've already failed so many times I'm trying to stop binge watching, but I already binge watched four times this month. It's not working. So we sabotage ourselves with those limiting beliefs because we failed before, it means we must continue failing. That's a limiting belief. It's just simply not true. And then there's another thing to consider, which is fatigue now fatigue comes not just in the physical sense or in the even the mental sense. There's also, there's decision fatigue. If you've made multiple decisions that then sometimes it's just easier to revert to an automatic kind of behavior, a non conscious behavior. So decision can fatigue your ability to make decisions. To constantly make decisions and choose that requires effort. So until it becomes a habit, until you're unconsciously competent at doing the behavior, until you reach that stage, you will be, you will have to exert effort on the decision. Sometimes decisions fatigue over time. So you have to account for that decision fatigue. By the way, motivation fatigues as well. Motivation is something that you, you know, some people poo poo it, right? You'll see people saying things. It's not motivation, it's this, right? Like they talk about motivation as if, if you depend on it. And they're right in this. If you depend on motivation, you will fail. Like that's not the only thing you need. But I'll tell you what, it's something that fatigues and when you have it really helps. It's an accelerant. So find ways to ride the wave of motivation, Find ways to create motivation. But here's the thing. When we have it, fatigues, our motivation and our willpower both can fatigue. It's why most of our vices occur in the evening. We've had a full day of sticking to our guns of doing the right thing, of making the good decisions, of doing all these things. And then at the end of the day, after our willpower has fatigued, after our motivation has fatigued, after we have decision fatigue, we start to make these small deals. Oh, it's okay. I'll just watch one more episode. Oh, it's okay. I'll. I won't do those 10 pushups because you know, what does it really matter? So we start to make those deals at the end of the day because all these other things, fatigue. So recognize these patterns. If you're trying to make a change, these patterns are the very thing that will cause you to slip up. You know, essentially you make this one sort of deal, which by the way, is a great word to make a deal. It sounds like, sounds like that's a good thing. But in this case, when it's your own self, it is not. When it's your own self, as it relates to an important goal, as it relates to an important, healthful, healthy behavior, then it is not a good thing. It is not a good word. It opens the door for more. The moment you do One, you're more likely to do another. It's why it is an actual slippery slope. When people use the phrase slippery slope, it sometimes triggers a reverse argument in people. They say, oh, that's a slippery slope. There's a slippery slope fallacy in logic. This is not one of them. This is an actual slippery slope. Small compromises lead to larger ones. That's well documented in psychology and behavior change literature. It's clear each concession you make lowers your resistance to. To the next concession. It lowers your resistance the next time to making such a concession. And so be aware of this. This is an actual thing in behavior change. It's a pattern where minor deviations, minor deviations snowball into major setbacks. This happens with our goals, by the way. This also happens in ethics. It's the same thing. A small deviation in an ethical thing will lead to more, later, bigger ones. This is very well documented. So it's not hypothesis. This is actually how behaviors become habits. It's how habits are formed. It's how consistent behaviors are formed. So it is actually you are standing at the top of a very slippery slope. And if you start to make deals with yourself, you will slide. So what can we do? What can we do to overcome this aspect? How can we overcome the deal making? The first thing is recognize that that's what it is. You're making a deal with yourself, and it's actually not a good one. It's a losing deal. When it comes to behavior change. If you're saying, oh, I'll just, you know, skimp on this just a little bit, deals that are chipping away at the behavior you want to do are harmful to your goals. And so the first thing is to recognize that's what you're doing. Deal making behavior is something you have to resist. Now, another thing you can do is design things deliberately. If you want to do a certain behavior, make it easy to do that behavior. If you want to start running, make it easy to start running, make it easy to go, make it easy to go out the door. Where are your exercise clothes? Where are your shoes? Are they by the door? Did you set the alarm a little earlier? What did you like? Design it so that it's easier to do. If you have to put your running shoes next to your bed, pick them up and go. If you want to do a behavior, make it easy to do it, Design it. Be deliberate about the design. If you don't want to do a behavior, make it difficult to do the thing. Make it difficult to do the thing. If there's no ice cream in your freezer. You won't be getting ice cream in the middle of the night. Make it difficult to get ice cream. If it's difficult to get ice cream, you're not going to run out to the grocery store to go buy it at 11 o' clock at night. If you are, well, then there's a different issue and we need to like work on that. But essentially design things deliberately. Make it easy to do the thing you want to do. Make it difficult to do the thing you don't want to do. So that's the second thing. First thing is recognize deal making behavior. You have to recognize it for what it is. The second thing, design, design deliberately so that you're more likely to be able to do the behavior easily. The next thing I would say, and this to me personally has been the most revel revolutionary for a behavior change, it's been to simply track the thing. Track it. If you see the progress, it actually sometimes creates momentum. If you feel like, oh, I have to do that thing, even if it's a small thing before I can check the box or write the thing down or document that I've done it. If you're tracking it, that, that sometimes is enough, I don't want to leave this thing blank. I have to go do this thing so that I check it. Sometimes you have different things that keep you going. But if you see a pattern of, you know what, I did this 15 times this month. Wow, that's progress. Last month it was four times. If you see progress sometimes that keeps you going, oh, next month I'm going to, I'm going to beat it this time. Don't depend on your perception because your perception is state dependent. You might say, oh, I feel like I've been working out more. I feel like I've been eating better. I feel like I've been reaching out to people I haven't talked to in a while. If you depend on that, if you depend on your own perception without actually tracking it, then what will happen is you will fall victim to your state because your perception of things is directly dependent on your state. So if you're feeling good, you'll feel like, oh, you know what, I've been doing okay. If you're not feeling good, you're going to beat yourself up and go in the opposite direction. Don't let your perception of your progress depend on your state. Actually track it. Track it and see the progress. You'll see if it's working great. Keep going. You'll see if it's not working. That's also great because if it's not working, maybe you need to tweak it. Maybe you need to go back to that design stage. Maybe you need to reevaluate. Am I making deals with myself? Am I compromising? Am I making concessions? So you can see that, though, if you track it, you can start to tweak the design or the behavior. Maybe even you say, you know what, do I actually really want that? And you reevaluate the goal. That's okay too. And so then another step I would recommend is to commit by committing, I mean verbally, I mean in writing, and I mean publicly. Find an accountability partner. Find a friend, a loved one, a family member, and not somebody that's going to negatively sort of like poo poo the action, poo poo the activity. You know, the ones that say, oh, you've tried that multiple times, you're not going to get it this time. That's not the person you want. And unfortunately, sometimes those are actually right there in our closest friends or in our family. They think they're protecting you, but they're not. They're actually discouraging you from doing a good behavior because, oh, you've tried that. How many times have you tried that? So beware, choose the right people and commit publicly, in writing, verbally to them. And check in periodically and check in with what you've tracked and check in on the pattern of deal making. Check in on those things. So although there is something called the slippery slope fallacy, this isn't it. Deal making behavior is actually quite slippery. So as you try to change your behavior, as you try to develop new habits and new skills, beware of deal making. Seth Godin said, once you start compromising, are you sure you'll know when to stop? I'll see you in the next episode.

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