Dr. Ed Tori (Influence Every Day) reflects on whether absence makes the heart grow fonder or causes people to be forgotten, arguing that presence, authenticity, sincere service, and moments of connection make someone unforgettable. He supports this with listener anecdotes (an email remembering a lunch-and-learn from eight years prior and a Facebook message from a former Chick-fil-A employee from the 1990s) and urges listeners to reach out to people who impacted them. He also briefly mentions an upcoming book, "Hypnotic Gifts: How to Change Someone's Life in a Single Conversation."
Questions this video answers
Hypnotic Gifts: How to Change Someone's Life in a Single Conversation.
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This is Dr. Torrey. Welcome to the Influence Every day show where we make every day better and we influence for good.
Out of sight, out of mind or absence makes the heart grow fonder. Which is it? Both of these proverbs exist and both of them have truths to them and we tend to cherry pick them when they serve best. Now oftentimes, out of sight, out of mind is meant to. We use it when it comes to objects or tasks or ideas or thoughts or books or something that is physical to touch. But when it comes to absence makes the heart grow fonder. We're often talking about people. Out of sight, out of mind is also a very real reality in the workplace. Somebody leaves work, maybe they were laid off or their position was eliminated, maybe they pounced on another opportunity or maybe they're making their side hustle, their full on service to the world. In any case, if they've left the place that you work, what determines whether they are out of sight, out of mind or whether the heart grows fonder? Well, if you're fully present, if you were authentic and sincere, if you shaped others growth, if you shared moments of deep connection, if you shared moments of insight, if you served expecting nothing in return, you will be unforgettable, you'll be missed. So you won't fall into the out of sight, out of mind category because other things in the workplace and in their life will trigger a memory of you. And maybe in the future, maybe they reach out with a deep message of gratitude, maybe they offer you an opportunity or just want to check in and see how you're doing. But in any case, it all depends on how we're relating now in the present, with the people we work with, with the people we interact with. Are you there in a moment of service? Are you there in a moment of contribution? Do you say the thing that needs to be said in a way that they will hear it in a way that sticks? All of this relates to how we influence others. And that comes from a base of sincerity, authenticity and service. If we're coming from that core foundation, then when our lives change, when we change jobs, we change locations, something shifts which will happen. When that happens, how are you remembered? How do people think of you? When do they think of you? When do they reach out to you? You know, I received a message from somebody who said the email starts off with this. Dear Dr. Tori, you don't know who I am. Eight years ago I was sitting in the corner of a room when you gave a talk at a lunch and learn and Then she went on to describe the impact that that lunch and learn had on her. Now I remember that lunch and learn that she's talking about. But that was like an email that you like print out, frame, laminate, keep forever because what, eight years ago and you've thought about it multiple times throughout those, those eight years, every few weeks, she said in her email. That's something that, that like that email will never leave my brain or my heart. To have an impact like that on somebody is something that I, I hope that my work does right, the work and influence and rapport and all that stuff. But on another level it's like wow. Out of sight, out of mind or absence makes the heart grow fonder. What happens when you have an impact on others and you didn't even know? This is the type of environment that I want to work in personally. These are the people that I want to work with. Those who leave an impact, those who are fully present when they're there and they're authentic and they're sincere and they focus on others growth and they recognize that your growth is not hampering their own growth and they, they, they give, they serve and they don't expect anything in return. That's my tribe. That's who I want to work with. Those who you share moments of connection with, those who you share moments of insight with. Now it doesn't mean you're going to connect with everybody, but if you are there to serve and you are sincere, even if they're not your cup of tea, they're not going to be besties. That doesn't matter. What matters is how you connect with them. You can connect without being besties. You can connect without it being in an intimate relationship. You can connect in ways with somebody at the grocery store. And the fact is you can change their lives in a moment. I mean, in fact, actually Sidebar Little Shameless Plug I am near completion of a book called Hypnotic Gifts how to Change Someone's Life in a Single Conversation. So that's what that's all about. It's that moment of connection. And when you meet those people, they are unforgettable. They are unforgettable. What I implore you to do is think of somebody you've worked with, they made an impact on you in some way, shape or form. Reach out to them. Look them up on LinkedIn and connect with them. Send them a direct message, send them something just to say you made an impact on me. You know, the other day I received a message from somebody on Facebook messenger and I don't really use Facebook that much, but I received a message from somebody on Facebook messenger and it was somebody that I managed at Chick Fil A when I was in high school. And they messaged me. They talked about what their current job was, and they talked about the fact that they really appreciated the way I managed and that they learned a lot from it. And I'm like, what? Like, that was literally that. How many years ago was that? That was in the 90s. My kids say the 1900s. It was in the 1990s. And that person sent me a Facebook messenger message this week. And if you think about, I have. I've had zero contact with that person. Zero. And it's been 30 plus years. Like, wow, can you leave that kind of impact on somebody? Or has someone done that for you? If they have reach out, I'm telling you, when I received that email about eight years ago, I was sitting in the corner. And when I received that Facebook messenger message about me being a manager at Chick Fil? A, like, you have no idea what that did for me. The recipient of those messages, now, I realize they're thanking me for an impact I had on them. But what they may not realize is the impact they're having on me in this moment right now and how that's impacting my work and how I show up and how I serve. It's impacting me because of this message they sent. And now they may think they hit send and it went into the void and I replied, and whatever, like, now it's gone. It isn't gone. It has a lasting impact. So I'm telling you, if somebody impacted you, reach out to them. Help let them know, because that will impact them. It will be a way of reciprocating. It will be a gift. So go ahead and reach out to them. I'll see you in the next episode.
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