057 Stop Trying To Change Your Emotions With Other Emotions

Foreign.

This is Dr. Torrey. Welcome to the Influence Every Day show where we make every day better and we influence for good.

There are a couple phrases that I hear quite often when people start to wallow in their own self judgment. And this typically happens when they experience an emotion and therefore act out in some way a behavior afterwards that they might regret. And then they're beating themselves up over it. And they typically use two phrases, it's I should or I need to. And so they're thinking back to this time that they got angry or this time that they were judgy about somebody. They're thinking back to a state that for them wasn't optimal and they're beating themselves up about it. And they keep saying, I should have done this, I need to do this, and I need to be a certain way. And so they beat themselves up and they're in this cycle and they're in their own head is a common phrase for this sort of thing where they're just staying in their own head and they're wallowing in it, they're ruminating over it. What's really interesting though is if you were to look at how to change states, if you were to look at how to change your emotions, how to manage your state in a way that's more optimal. Actually, if you go to drtor.com101 the number 101 doctortori.com101 on that page there is a PDF you can download. You don't have to opt in or anything, you just go there, you can download the PDF. It's 101 ways to manage your state. 101 ways to manage your state. What's really interesting about it is this, that of those 101 ways, not one of them is to just shift your emotion. You know the song by Bobby McFerrin, don't worry, be happy. That's awful advice because you can't just shift from worry to happiness. There's something that happens in between. Don't be angry, be happy, don't be angry, be grateful, don't be judgy, give them some grace. These things where you just expect to be able to shift from one emotion to another without something in between is. Is. It's unrealistic. It just doesn't work that way. In fact, the 101 Ways to Manage your state, almost all of them, darn near every single one of them, is an action. An action. The way to change your state is to change the action is to do something. So although what we're experiencing an emotion or other types of states. By the way, they're not just limited to emotions, but when we're feeling it that is internal. If you want to change it, do something external. Take an action. You might go for a walk, you might rearrange the furniture, you might pay for someone behind you in line, you might call someone, you might drink a cup of tea and pet your cat by the window. Like whatever your thing is, it's an action that you take that shifts. And so rather than wallowing in the self doubt, take an action. So go ahead, go to drtur.com101 and download that worksheet and see if any of those resonate with you. And by the way, if you try to manage your state in one setting by taking an action and that thing isn't your thing, then try a different one. There's 101 listed there and there's probably a thousand and one more that are not on that page. So just try something to manage your states. So one of my coaching clients runs a semi large organization and he was speeding himself up because one day he was a little bit snippy at the end of the day in a meeting and he barked back at his staff and, and he really regretted it. He was wallowing in it. And so as we were in our coaching session, we were talking about what happened and how he thought he should apologize and all these things and how it affected his sleep. He was ruminating all night thinking about it. And then he came up on his own with an action he should take but he had to wait until the next day or whatever. So he his state overnight was this self judgment kind of pattern that he was in. And so it was this pattern of emotional swirl, downward spiral. And the more we talked about it, the more we realized actually him getting into that angry outburst kind of state actually reflected a pattern. And that pattern was that at the end of the day he hits a wall and he starts to get irritable. So guess what? Stop scheduling meetings at the end of the day. Design it differently if you have a state problem. Now this is something really interesting because in my coaching I use a core influence framework that I've distilled down and created from all of my study, from all the other different disciplines. But essentially it's this, that there are states, frames, patterns that overlap each other and around that is a context. So each of us has a state, the people we're trying to influence have states. And then there are ways and methods to change states. We have frames. The other people we're influencing have a frame. And there are ways and strategies and tactics and behaviors that change frames. There are patterns, patterns of behavior, patterns of thought, patterns of emotion, patterns of responses. These patterns, there's yours, there's theirs, and how to change patterns. So if you can imagine these three things, overlapping states, frames and patterns, and around them are contexts. By the way, you have a context, they have a context and there are ways to change contexts. What's really interesting about this framework in coaching, it always comes out. It always comes out. It's really amazing. If you have a problem in any one of those buckets, you don't address it in that bucket, you address it in another bucket. If there's an issue with your frame, change your state and you often change your frame. If you change the behavior or your pattern, you'll often change your frame. If you change a context, you'll often change your frame. So this is how it works. You don't change an emotion by bringing another emotion forward. No. You have to do something. So go ahead, go to drturi.com 101 and download 101 Ways to Manage your state. And along the way recognize you do need to manage your state. Sometimes you have to design it differently. So what did we do in this coaching session? We changed it so that we actually during the coaching session, I said open up your email and send an email to your assistant and tell them to no longer schedule meetings with staff after 2:30pm Just don't do it. Don't meet in the middle of that wall. Now if you get a second wind, maybe after 3:30, after 4:00', clock, fine. But don't schedule during that time where you know you're going to be a little more irritable. Design around it. Shape the pattern around it so that you will manage your state more effectively in meetings with staff. Essentially, if you want to change your state, if you want to change your emotion, do something. Do something. Apologize. Go for a walk, stretch. Do a power pose, go for a run, listen to music, watch a TED Talk. Schedule a day off. Just take an action and it will change your state. Lean back in your chair and look at that photo on your desk of your loved one or your friends or that time you went on a vacation. Look at that and just reflect on it. Remember it. That is a state changer. It's a behavior, but it changes your state. So don't try to counter anger with happiness or anger with sort of compassion. No. Counter anger in the moment with a behavior. Counter anger in the moment by actively changing your state by doing something, do something different. So go ahead, go to drtori.com 101Download 101 Ways to manage your state. And then if you have any ways that you manage your state, any behaviors, any actions that you take that help you shift your state, go ahead and send them to me. Let me know what works for you. Look at that list. If you see anything on there that you haven't tried, try it. See what happens. That might be the thing that shifts your relationships because you're able to manage your state by changing the behavior. I'll see you in the next episode.

This is only the end of today's show if you let it be. Who needs to hear what you just heard? Go ahead and share it with them right now. The Influence Every Day podcast is free. We don't sell advertising space, so telling others is the best way to pay us back. But more importantly, it's the best way to pay it forward. If you enjoyed today's podcast, take a moment to rate and review the show, then check out the additional links and materials that go along with it. They offer more ways to take your influence, your impact, and your relationships to.

A whole new level.

Now go forth and and influence for good every day.