059 Conversation - Nearby But Not Yet Engaged

This is Dr. Torrey. Welcome to the Influence Every Day show, where we make every day better and we influence for good. The core model behind my book, Hypnotic how to Transform Someone's Life in a Single Conversation. The core model behind it comes from the world of conversational hypnosis and conversational hypnotherapy. And what's really interesting about their model is that there's a piece of the model, it's a model for conversation, by the way, there's a piece of that model which is labeled nearby but not engaged. Nearby but not engaged. And this to me is. Is one of the most fascinating things to observe and sometimes to use to your advantage or to the team's advantage or to move people in a way that is a good. Right. Obviously, we want to influence for good with good intentions and in a way that is ethical and moral. So with all that considered, there's this one spot on the conversational hypnosis model that really intrigues me. Nearby but not engaged. We all learn about the importance of a first impression and that the you never get a second chance to make a first impression. But what people don't realize is that the first impression, not only does it happen in microseconds, it often happens before the engagement, before the greeting. It actually happens before it begins, before a conversation begins. So that's in the space of nearby but not engaged. So how did you walk up to the group? How did somebody invite you into the group? How did people look at you or position themselves near you, et cetera? What were you doing beforehand? Did you do a good act that was witnessed? Did you. Were you engaging with another group? In the domain of the pickup artist and seduction, they talk about this nearby but not engaged space as they're looking for somebody in particular, that they want to pick up a so called target. And what they do is they use the space around them before they get to that person. So in other words, they engage another table, make them laugh, make them giggle, engage them so that they are the center of attention to that particular table. And this person, their so called target, may. Which by the way, makes me want to vomit. But the. But their target notices that they're the center of attention. They so they get to notice that in other instances it might be if you're on a subway or a bus and somebody is reading something that's interesting, they're nearby but not engaged. The fact that they're reading something interesting is part of the first impression. If they look like they're engaging in something and they don't have an agenda that affects how you feel about them. They are nearby, but they're not yet engaged. So the point of me bringing this up in this particular episode is simply to say, be deliberate about this space. Nearby but not engaged. By the way, the best way, the absolute best way to be a magician when it comes to nearby but not engaged is simply to perfect your character, to have great character, because the person with great character will engage with others in a way that is, you might hold the door, you might pick up some trash that's on the ground. You might do some small kindness, you might do some small gesture. The way you engage with others has a magnetic presence about it. If that's your character, that will be noticed before the greeting even starts, before the conversation starts, before even you have any sort of interaction. There is an interaction before it starts. So a common phrase in that I refer to often is it starts before it begins. It starts before it begins. Because of this nearby but not engaged think. Let me tell you a quick story. I worked on a cardiac surgery unit for almost 10 years, and there was one particular person who had left for maternity leave, and she was like a social leader among the daytime nursing shift. Okay, so she was a. She worked among the daytime nurses, and she was one of the social leaders, not always the appointed leader, but she was a social leader. But she left for maternity leave and she didn't know about my. She maybe knew, but she didn't actually experience me working there as I transitioned to be the leader of the hospitalist and NPPA group that worked there. So she wasn't there when I started in that new role. And so what I did when she arrived back on the floor after maternity leave, rather than. Rather than go right over and introduce myself or do anything else, I engaged with the secretary. I started talking to the secretary. I. I made her laugh. I made her. I did something for her. I did something like. It was just like a. My usual interaction with her. But this particular secretary was known as being like, if she loved you, she really loved you. If she didn't, she really didn't. So it was like. It was. She was like a meter, in a way. She. She was the measure of, is this person all right? If she thinks he's all right, he's probably all right. So I engaged with her, made her laugh, et cetera, et cetera. And then I saw a conversation occur between that nurse and somebody else who had been here. And then she started talking about me. And then that nurse came over and introduced herself. And so that nearby but not engaged moment is a moment of magic if you consider it as such. If you recognize that it is an important part of the conversation, even though the conversation hasn't even started. So be deliberate about how you are, who you are, when you're in any context. How are you in line at the grocery store? The line is going long and other people are being impatient. How how are you behaving? How are you behaving when someone cuts you off? How are you behaving when the meeting is starting late? How are you showing up in these scenarios? Because that actually affects how other people respond to you later. Especially those who haven't engaged with you yet. They see it, they notice it. Sometimes they don't necessarily consciously notice it, but they feel it. It's a non conscious experience. They experience your presence. And so be present and be deliberate about being nearby but not engaged. I'll see you in the next episode.

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