060 Conversation - Making An A-- of Yourself During Small Talk

Foreign. This is Dr. Torrey. Welcome to the Influence Every Day show, where we make every day better and we influence for good. I recently started to share some of the concepts in my upcoming book with my coaching clients, some of the book club members, and then some of my colleagues and friends and other people that have been interested in influence and persuasion moving people. And so the book is all about hypnotic gifts, how to change someone's life in a single conversation. But what's really interesting is when I started to break down the model for people, something kept coming up again and again and again. And it's really interesting to me because I kept hearing the same phrases over and over again. Now what happened is I started to tell people, like, hey, this book is coming with. I have a card. I have a card deck for self study. I have a card deck for workshops. And we do workshops on all the different components of conversation. And one of those components is that of small talk. And it's really interesting. I didn't realize. I mean, I kind of knew it for a lot of people, but I didn't realize how many people felt this way about small talk. And I hear the same phrases over and over again. Small talk is fake. It's pointless. I'm not really good at small talk. The people don't care about small talk. Like it's something they don't care about, and so we're wasting our time. I don't know what to say in small talk. I'm an introvert. Small talk isn't for me. It really. It's something that I don't do well in and I fumble and all those things. And small talk feels really awkward. That's. That's probably one of the more common ones. It feels awkward, and I'm not good at it. I need to be interesting in small talk. It's one of the thoughts that people have. And then small talk is just for networking. And sometimes it feels manipulative because oftentimes the other person has an agenda or you feel like I have an agenda, like I'm trying to connect here at this conference or wherever the networking event is. And then others just say, it's just not natural for me. It's just not who I am. What's interesting is all of these things follow the patterns of what we call limiting beliefs. If you have a limiting belief, it limits your ability to. To see a different future. It limits your ability to take action on that thing. Every one of these. Small talk is fake. Small talk is pointless. I'm not good at it. I'M not natural. I'm an introvert, and therefore I'm awkward at it. All of these things, these are all limiting beliefs. They freeze you in taking any sort of action. It's a belief that if you hold it, it impairs your ability to improve at the thing. You can't even see a different future if you actually believe these things. Now, what's really compelling to me is not that these are limiting beliefs, because all of us have them, right? We all have limiting beliefs about certain aspects of our being, of our identity, of our skill sets. And some of those are beliefs that are true and are correct currently, but we view them as almost like a label. We hold onto them. But what's really interesting is what lies underneath. This is something that if you are scrolling through Instagram or LinkedIn or wherever, and you're looking at all these things about limiting beliefs, oftentimes people neglect the part that precedes the limiting belief. Meaning underlying every limiting belief is a set of assumptions. Assumptions. So small talk is fake and pointless has certain assumptions under it. The assumptions might be that authenticity only comes from deep conversations. Light topics can't lead to genuine connection. Talking about the weather and talking about sports, that kind of stuff can't lead to deep connection. Small talk is just filler for the stuff that's really important, right? Those are assumptions that people have when they believe that small talk is fake or pointless. But sometimes, if you just take a look at the assumptions and realize that's exactly what they are, assumptions. Authenticity only comes from deep conversation. That's an assumption. Light topics can't lead to genuine connection. Just think about it for a second, just to prove that it's an assumption. Do you have any authentic friendships or connections or relationships with anyone? Maybe aside from ones you formed as a toddler, but anyone else, any other relationship you have that you feel is an awesome deep connection, like a close person to you that did not start with small talk. I find it hard to believe that when you met that person, you walked in and you were like, hey, how's your relationship with your father? You didn't go right there. You didn't go from 0 to 100. No, you started in small talk. So if you believe small talk is fake and pointless, and then just maybe pick apart some of those assumptions and look at it. And actually, if you. It's not that authenticity only comes from deep connection. Deep conversation, and authentic connection only comes from deep conversation. It's that small talk is like stretching before a workout or stretching before a game. If you're preparing for a game, you don't just sit there and say, oh, I'll just show up. And the important part is the game. The important part is scoring. The important part is defense. The important part is performing on the field. No, there's a warmup. There's always a warmup. There's always stretching. Small talk is like that. It's like the warmup. So you get to other things. Like, I'm not good at small talk. Okay, let's look at some of those assumptions. Small talk is a skill you either have or don't. That's. That's an assumption. If others are naturally better at it, that's an assumption. Being bad at small talk means being unlikable. That is also an assumption. Not only is that an assumption that is horridly wrong, it's like, deeply incorrect. In fact, we tend to find people who have flaws and who fumble that. We find them more endearing and more likable depending on the role, the situation, the context. But most of the time, we find people like that more likable. So these are assumptions. People don't care about small talk. Guess what? People actually expect small talk. It's if I said to you, hey, how's your relationship with your father? That is. That's beyond weird. That's. That gives you the heebie jeebies, right? That gives you the creepazoids, get me away from this person. So our assumptions about these things are easily picked apart if we recognize that they are in fact based on assumptions like small talk is a waste of time. The assumption under there might be that, oh, the only valuable use of time is on productive topics. Productive topics. Well, I would ask you, isn't connecting with somebody, isn't finding all of the connect points that are open to deeper connection? Isn't that a good use of time? Small talk is as I've described before in prior episodes. Small talk is like a hallway full of doors. Each door has a different era or topic or area of interest behind the door. And you can walk through small talk looking at all the doors and find out what are the doors and then choose which ones to walk through. Choose the ones that make sense, that are more connecting, more authentic for you, more productive for you, depending on what the reason is. You're meeting, you're greeting each other, having conversation. It's a hallway full of doors. The small talk allows you to see all of the doors that are open to you. If you try to jump through small talk too quickly, A, you might really break rapport. B, you Might miss a deeper opportunity along the way because you will have skipped over several doors. So now there are ways to accelerate small talk to get to deep talk. But part of the point of small talk is that you start to establish rapport and establish connection and connect points and likability. That's also. That's part of the point of it, right? And so some of you might say, I'm an introvert, and small talk isn't for me. Guess what? If you're an introvert, you know what? You might actually be better at listening. You might be better at listening, and what a better place to listen because you're going to find more doors. Every single one of these things. I need to be interesting in small talk. I need to have something interesting and boring. No, that's loaded with assumptions. In fact, you don't need to be interesting. You need to be interested. That's how you get through small talk. That's how you navigate small talk in a way where you mine the gold that's there, where you find the acres and acres of diamonds that are sitting right before you in the authentic connection with that person. And small talk also happens to be a tool where if somebody starts to go too deep, you can bounce back out to small talk to keep it away from the depth. If it's somebody you don't want to connect with. Small talk is an amazing part of the conversation. It is a valuable chunk that is worth developing the skills of small talk. And so, like when I'm conducting and designing the workshops around hypnotic gifts, how to change someone's life in a single conversation, a huge portion of the exercise is the experience of small talk where we go through scenarios and we practice small talk, but we practice small talk in a specific way. Sometimes we stay in it too long so that we experience what that feels like when it's too long, when it's too shallow for too long. What does that feel like? What about when it goes too deep too quickly? How do you safely, like, maintain your own boundaries and get back out of that depth and into a smaller talk? How do you end a conversation so? Because either you don't have time, or there is something else going on that you have to tend to, or there's something about the person you just don't want. You're not interested in the deeper connection right now. And so how do you exit the conversation? Small talk is such a valuable tool. It's a valuable part. And so don't think of it as small. It's not small at all. And in fact, every single thing that you tend to believe about small talk is based on assumptions. And those assumptions are just that, assumptions. And you may have heard the old adage, to assume is to make an ass out of you and me. Don't assume. Walk in there with curiosity. Walk in there with interest. Walk in there with I'm going to level up. I'm going to skill up at this. Because conversation is a skill and connection is a skill. And and it's how you've arrived at every single one of your deep relationships. Every single one of them. They've occurred through conversation, and they all started with small talk. I'll see you in the next episode. This is only the end of today's show if you let it be. Who needs to hear what you just heard? Go ahead and share it with them right now. The Influence Every Day podcast is free. We don't sell advertising space, so telling others is the best way to to pay us back. But more importantly, it's the best way to pay it forward. If you enjoyed today's podcast, take a moment to rate and review the show. Then check out the additional links and materials that go along with it. They offer more ways to take your influence, your impact, and your relationships to a whole new level. Now go forth and influence for good every day.