Why So Many Women Don’t Trust Themselves

Welcome to the I Heart My Life show. This is a space for women who are done waiting, done settling, and ready to live in alignment with what they actually want. Especially when that requires courage, change, and self trust. I'm Emily Williams and welcome back to the show. So last week we talked all about desire and identity and how wanting more is not the issue. It's really just about shifting yourself and becoming that next level self in order to create the result that you are craving and get the that you are craving. So in my opinion and in my experience over the last 11 years, most women are not unclear about what it is they actually want. And today I want to talk about the thing that many people are unclear of. They are unclear as to whether they can trust themselves with the thing that they desire. So we're going to slow it down a little bit and talk about self trust, not in a motivational way, not in a believe in yourself way, but in a much more grounded and honest way. Because honestly, self trust isn't something that most of us were ever taught how to build, especially in the world we're in today and in the work that we do and how we show up. Okay, so I want to start by naming something I see all the time. I hear women saying, I don't know what to do. I'm just stuck. I'm in between. I need more clarity. I feel like I need to reinvent myself. I feel like it's time for a pivot. But when I actually listen to them and we go deeper, what isn't really there is that confusion that they think is there. It's really hesitation. And hesitation is not the same thing as not knowing. And so if you're somebody who consistently says, I just need more clarity, I feel stuck. I'm not sure it's gonna, you know, that this is it. I don't know if this is the right next step. This episode is for you. Okay, so most women do know what they want. They know what feels right, they know what they're drawn towards. And if you disagree with me, trust me, I hear you. And you can go back and listen to tons of episodes that I've done over the years on desires. Because desire, in my experience and in my life, as I view it, is truth. It's that, that North Star, it's that compass. Okay? And I truly believe after, again, after working with women for so many years, that most of the time desire is not the issue. Maybe they've suppressed it, maybe they're not allowing themselves to bring it to the surface. But if we go deep, most of us do know what it is that we actually want. The main issue that I see is that most women don't trust themselves. They don't trust that they'll be okay if it doesn't work out. They don't trust that they'll know how to respond if they make a mistake, or that they won't spiral, shame themselves or lose their footing. So waiting until that clarity arrives feels safer than making a choice in the moment. Again, not because that desire is missing, although they're telling themselves it is, but because that trust isn't there. Okay, so what is self trust, and.

What is the main issue that I see across the board? So the main thing we don't often talk about is that most of us weren't actually taught to trust ourselves growing up. We were taught to be careful. And I see this with myself and my daughter, and it's something I have to really work on, especially when she was learning to walk for the first time.

Me constantly saying, be careful, you know, don't go over there. Watch your step, right? That actually creates a lack of trust. She hears, oh, mommy doesn't think that I can do it. Mommy doesn't trust that I'm going to be okay. Right? So think about the messages that many of us received even later on in life. Don't take risks. Be practical. Have a backup plan. Save for a rainy day. Better to be safe than sorry. Don't get your hopes up. Life isn't that easy. And often, just like my example, those phrases and that guidance came from parents who loved us. They wanted to protect us. They still do. You might still hear that stuff. I still hear that stuff from my parents. They were doing the best they could with what they knew and the resources that they had. And oftentimes, you know, especially now, they could never have predicted what the world would look like today. I work with a lot of female entrepreneurs as well, and many of them did not grow up with entrepreneurial parents. And so they're navigating a completely different life and world and way of living and opportunity set that their parents didn't ever come across. But in reality, protection and trust are.

Not the same thing.

And so when a child hears over and over, that's risky, that probably won't work, that's unrealistic. They start to lose trust within themselves. They aren't thinking, oh, my parents care about me. They're thinking, my instincts aren't reliable, My desires are naive. I need external validation before I actually act. Instead of learning, I can try things and I'm going to be okay. I'm going to recover, I'm going to get through it. Instead, we learn I need to avoid getting it wrong and we create a relationship with ourself that is not trusting. We end up waiting, delaying, desiring certainty when it's not actually available to us. And when you aren't taught to trust yourself, you learn that you can only trust life when certainty is there. Okay, so if I'm sure, then I'm allowed to move. If I have proof, then it's safe. If I can predict the outcome, then I won't get hurt. And this is especially true for women like myself who were praised for being the responsible ones, the sensible ones, the good decision makers, those people who always thought everything through before taking the action. You maybe learned that being careful was rewarded, that minimizing risk meant that you.

Were being mature, that needing reassurance was.

Normal.

And self trust quietly turned into I only trust myself when I'm right or when it's guaranteed or when it's certain. But real self trust has nothing to do with being right. I'm sure you know that. So what is self trust? What self trust actually is? Okay, so here's the reframe I want you to sit with.

Self trust is not trusting yourself that you're going to make the perfect decision. It's not confidence, it's not belief, it's not certainty. It's not even knowing how things will turn out. Self trust is trusting your relationship with yourself after the decision. So, for example, trusting that you won't abandon yourself even if it's uncomfortable, trusting that you'll respond instead of panicking, trusting that you'll stay kind instead of turning into someone who's harsh, trusting that you'll adjust instead of freezing. And most people think if I trusted myself, I'd know exactly what to do. But that's not true. Most people already know. What they don't trust is their ability to stay regulated, grounded, to not shame themselves if the outcome ends up being messy. Think about it. If there's something you've been wrestling with, you haven't moved forward with, I'm just going to give a really simple example. Maybe you want to start a business. Maybe you want to hire somebody. Your mind is automatically going to the worst case scenario.

And oftentimes it's not even that scenario that's scary.

If we go deeper, it's the fact.

That you don't trust yourself to be able to handle that you don't trust yourself to be able to move through the reality of everyone saying, oh, you know, she couldn't do it. You don't trust yourself to be able to handle the shame that comes up and the self deprecation around, or the.

Self degrading, I should say, around you, feeling bad that you made a mistake, right? And so you wait, you overthink, you ask for more opinions, you delay. Because in your mind that's the safe thing to do. Not because you don't know what you want, but because it feels safer to wait. Okay, so why is this showing up so strongly now, now that you're an adult, now that you're making big decisions? Because of course adult decisions carry more weight. There's more real consequences. Money, time, reputation, stability for you and your family. And if you were never taught, you can still, you can take risks and still be okay, then of course your nervous system is not regul to handle that. So maybe you're noticing yourself hesitating more than you used to. If you flash back and look at yourself as a child, maybe you were more carefree, maybe you weren't as worried about the outcome. Maybe now you're second guessing decisions even though you know what you want. In a way in your 40s, in a way that you never did in your 20s. Maybe you're waiting for some sort of internal green light that never fully comes again. That's not failure, that's just what you've been taught.

That's just your conditioning. And we can have compassion for that, right? This is not about pressuring yourself to be somebody different this second. But it is about looking at where can you increase your level of self trust? How can you rebuild self trust that.

Isn'T about forcing big leaps, but about supporting yourself and moving forward with a life that is more aligned for you. Okay, so there's a few different things I want you to look at from this episode. I want you to consider a decision or a action step that you've been wrestling with. And I want you to ask yourself, if you had full trust in self, trust in what you can handle, trust in regardless of the outcome, you knowing that you did a great job, you moved forward, you took a step in the direction of your vision, in the step of what you wanted. If you had full faith in yourself and that level of self trust, what would you be doing right now? What action step would you be taking? Just in that one example, because what I found is that just like we know our desires, we also know the truth. Our next level self, if we tune into her, the woman who does have this level of self trust that we're talking about here today, she actually does know the answer and the steps that would be amazing for you to take that would open up everything that you desire. Okay? And so I want you to really consider what would she do, what would she recommend in this instance? And before we close off, I want you to think about how your life would change if you had that level of self trust even just in that one scenario, what would shift? And I think many of you, just like myself, have been through experiences where you did have self trust, you moved forward and something didn't work out. But again, just like me, you were able to move through that. And so using those examples, those moments, those chapters, those years, to remind yourself that you do have the strength. Just like that little girl, just like my little Charlotte. When she falls down, yeah, she might cry for a little bit, but now she knows not to do it like that next time or now she knows how strong she is. I don't need to tell her be careful every step of the way she learns. And that's what life is about. And so I want you to recognize that there are areas right now where you might be waiting for the perfect scenario. You might be waiting to take that action because waiting ultimately feels safer. But what if you started to shift into more self trust and know that you can handle what other whatever outcome comes. You are strong and you are capable. And waiting is not going to serve you or your next level self or anyone that you're looking to inspire in the world. It's just going to give you more of the same. And if this is something you want to go deeper with, there's a really beautiful book called Trust by Iyanla Van Zant. She actually talks about four different types of trust. I believe they're trust in others, trust in life, trust in God or the universe, and then trust in yourself. It's a really beautiful book. And of course, if you want further support, if you want to continuously integrate your next level self and move into more alignment, take that consistent action. You can join us in the I Heart, My Life membership. The doors are always open and we'd love to have you in the community. Go to iheartmylife.com membership. I'll see you next time.