5 Ways to Stop Chasing Your Dream Life and Start Living It
Neuroscientist Emily McDonald argues that contentment, not dissatisfaction, fuels real achievement. She explains how constant self-improvement becomes self-rejection, how social media makes you chase goals that aren't yours, and why analyzing your dreams kills them. The shift: stop chasing and start living.
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There is probably something in your life right now that you used to dream about, something you used to wish for or pray for, or tell yourself, one day I will have that. And now you have it. But rather than enjoying it, you've already moved on to the next thing, the next goal or the next milestone or the next version of yourself. And I think so many of us have gotten caught up in this cycle of constantly achieving, optimizing, and improving our lives that we've forgotten to actually live them. I know this because I have caught myself doing it. I have spent years building a life that I genuinely love, and yet I've noticed that even when everything is going well, my brain still tries to find something to be dissatisfied with, something that needs fixing or something that I should be doing better. And lately I've been asking myself, what is the point of achieving your goals or creating your dream life if you never allow yourself to actually enjoy it? So today I wanna talk about the 5 5 truths that have really changed the way that I think about success, ambition, happiness, and what it means to actually live a fulfilled life. Because I don't think the answer is to stop wanting more, stop setting goals, stop achieving. I think the answer is learning how to want more without making what you already have feel like it's not enough. And if you're new here, hi, I'm Emily, also known as Em on the Brain. I am a neuroscientist, author, and coach. to people in over 55 countries all over the world. And I'm here to help you rewire your brain, level up, and live your best life. Let's go straight into number one, which is that you do not have to be dissatisfied to be ambitious. This is a myth that I get asked about so often. Every time I talk about this idea of being satisfied with your life and being grateful for everything that you have and truly feeling like you have enough right now, I get asked, but won't that make me less motivated? Won't that make me not as driven to go toward my goals? Less disciplined? Won't that make me want it less? And I am here to tell you that no, that's not the truth at all. In fact, being satisfied with the now is actually the state that unlocks your ability to create the future that you desire. When you are fully satisfied in the now, when you are truly feeling like you have enough right now, and I wanna invite you, if you've never done this practice before, as long as you're not driving, to close your eyes and just ask yourself, like, what if I could just let it all be enough right now? And sit with how that makes you feel. It's like this giant weight, this pressure lifts off of your shoulders. That doesn't mean that you're not gonna want more, that you're not gonna have desires. I mean, that's just inherent to the human brain. Like, we're going to continue to want to grow and evolve and achieve things. That's just the— you don't have to, you don't have to worry. You're still gonna want that. But when you allow yourself to be fully satisfied with the now, you actually allow your nervous system to shift into rest and digest, into the parasympathetic branch of your nervous system, which is very regulating and calming. And that is the state that all of our ideas flow to us, and the, the, the dots start connecting in our brains, and your subconscious can actually start putting together puzzle pieces that you couldn't have possibly put together if you were trying to grip and control and force and push every single outcome. Because when you're constantly forcing and pushing and gripping and stressed and anxious, you are actually blocking the flow of exactly what you desire to you. I mean, your brain is literally less able to perceive the things that you want when you're in that state, but also the ideas and the connections are less likely to happen as well when you are in fight or flight. When your sympathetic nervous system is active. And I'm not just saying this, they've shown in studies that chronic stress can interfere with cognitive flexibility and creative thinking. So your ability to literally be creative and create the life that you want depends on your ability to regulate yourself. And allowing yourself to just be grateful and happy with everything that you have right now, it really does unlock the state of mind that is required for you to create the future that you desire. It is a huge misconception that contentment leads to complacency. It's not the case. In fact, I have had clients that I work with, they wanna make content or work on their business and they are feeling just burnt out and they're like, they've hit a wall. Or one of my clients, she told me that in one of those moments, she actually just paused and took a step back and allowed herself to go move and stretch and flow. And then an amazing idea came to her for a piece of content and it got like 10 million views and a whole bunch of new followers for her and clients. So. Do not underestimate the power of actually regulating yourself first and allowing yourself to be happy in the present moment, because in that state, everything does flow to you. We are talking about the difference between operating from lack and operating from a feeling of wholeness. Number 2 is that self-improvement can become a form of self-rejection if you are not careful. At what point does becoming a better version of yourself turn into constantly telling yourself that you're not good enough? Only you can decide that, and I will let you in on a tool that I use to decide that. And I have shared this with all of my clients and the people that I coach, and I find it to be really helpful. The truth is that being critical of yourself is good until it crosses the line and begins to drain you. If constantly analyzing yourself or your numbers or your habits or your routines gets to the point Where it actually starts to drain you more than it fulfills you and charges you up, then it's not helping you anymore. And it's not improving you the way that you think it is. I've been asked before, how often should I visualize? And my answer is, as often as it serves you. If visualizing every single day makes you feel good and resets your energy and brings you forth into your day as the best version of yourself, then do that. But as soon as it starts to drain you, and when you think about doing it, you sort of just dread it. And then when you're in it, you're just like, oh, I guess I have to do it. And then afterwards you're like, okay, and it doesn't actually charge you up, then you need to take a break and just experience life and just go live it because it's not actually improving you and it's not actually benefiting you. I have a question that I like to ask myself in any moment where I'm feeling unmotivated or I'm feeling stuck, or I'm in that position where I'm like, hmm, should I visualize or not? I ask myself, what What would my highest self do? What would my highest self do right now? And I like this question so much more than the standard advice that I see on social media. What the self-improvement advice is like, ignore your feelings, like stick to the plan, ignore your feelings. I, I think it depends on what your goal is, right? Like if your goal is achieving money or a certain thing at all costs, regardless of whether you Feel okay, then ignore your feelings and just keep going. But I, I have found that asking myself this question is really helpful. What would my highest self do right now? Or what would my best self do right now? What would the version of me who has what I want do right now? And sometimes I'm sitting on the couch thinking about filming a podcast or something, and I'm not feeling motivated. And I ask myself, what would my best self do right now? And it's like, no, she would get up and yeah, ignore her feelings or charge yourself up, right? And so this actually happened earlier today. I was needing to get a few tasks done and I recognized that I was just feeling very low on energy. And so I called up my best friend and I was like, hey, I need a little energy boost really quick before I go into filming and talk to her for just like 20 minutes. Like she was at a tattoo shop with her family and it was so cute. And I was like, damn, jealous I'm not there. But just having that conversation with my friends and people that I love did charge me up. And then I got off that call and felt energized to go and film, right? So it's not always about ignoring your feelings. Sometimes it's about doing the thing that you need to do to get yourself into the state so that you can do what you need to do from a better energetic state, because they have shown in studies that the same action taken with different energy gets you different results. And so I am a firm believer of getting your energy right and then taking action. Now, that's not to say that your energy is always going to be right before you take action, right? Like sometimes you got to just do it, even though you don't feel like doing it. But in those situations where you can give yourself a hug or hype yourself up or call up a friend or go outside into nature for 10 minutes to recharge yourself, or go outside for that stretch rather than forcing yourself to push through something, those little moments can actually set your energy right so that you can do the things that you wanna do and actually enjoy doing them and do them from a better mental state and, and feel good while doing them. Now I am team, actually enjoying your life. Because something that I have found to be true in my experience and in so many people that I know's experience, and probably true for your experience as well, is that the things that we want are more likely to happen when we are in a positive energy state. I'm gonna get super woo-woo here, but I have found that in times when I am forcing and gripping and stressed about something, and as soon as I just let it go and I'm like, you know what, I'm just gonna go hang out with my friend, And go see my friend. Literally, I have a vivid memory of driving in the car on the way to see my friend and the thing that I was stressed about, literally somebody reached out to me, hey, let's do this, meet here, this call, this meeting. And the thing that I wanted perfectly worked out as soon as I let go and just allowed myself to have fun and go see my friend. And so in my experience, the things that I want come to me when I am in a positive energy state, not when I'm stressed and gripping and forcing and upset. Your brain filters reality differently when you are in a positive state. You're more likely to notice the things that you want when you're in a positive state. And so I invite you to become a little more aware of where in your life self-improvement is becoming self-rejection. Number 3 is that just because you want something doesn't mean that it's actually your desire. In psychology, there is something called automatic goal contagion, where we subconsciously pick up On the goals of the people around us. Now, this is so much more important to understand because it's so much more prevalent now with social media. I see it all the time and I see it with the people that I coach. I see it with people that I know personally. They say they want things and they think that they want these things, but they don't actually want these things. And these things are not actually aligned with who they are and their values. It's just that they see people on social media doing it. You see people on social media making this money and having this business. Or creating content or living in this place, and you think they look so happy, so I would probably be so happy if I had that too. But that's not the truth. The truth is that you can achieve everything that you think you want and still not feel fulfilled if you're pursuing someone else's definition of success. And this is why having your own definition of success based on your values and what lights you up, what fulfills you, is so important. I have gotten caught up in this before in business, twice actually. The first time was when I first started creating content. When I first started creating content, I was in my PhD studying neuroscience and I was just doing it for fun. Like I was not creating content to become a content creator. I wasn't trying to get big on social media. Like I was trying to become a full-time neuroscientist and have my own research lab. Like That was my goal. Uh, and so anyway, at that time though, in the very early stages of content creation, someone asked me, they said, you know, how are you gonna monetize off that? Because my content was doing well pretty early on. And they were like, how are you gonna monetize off that? And I got stuck after they asked me that question. And I actually had to take a break from content. I think I took like a 2-week break or something from creating content because it put my mind into the wrong state. I started thinking about The wrong thing when that was never my goal. Like monetizing my content was never my goal. And as soon as I started to think of it that way, it took the passion and the joy out of it. And then that made me less able to make the great content that I was making. And it's funny because the same sort of thing popped up last year when I was growing my business. And I have noticed that in the past when my mind would slip into having a goal about making a certain amount of money. It took all of the joy out of pursuing my goals. Uh, and there's nothing wrong, by the way, of wanting to make a lot of money. And there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. The problem for me comes when that is the goal, like that is the driving force or the driving factor, rather than I wanna impact this many people. The goal becomes, I wanna make this amount of money. And I found when When my mind slips into making a certain amount of money, the goal, I start putting all this pressure on myself. And actually a year and a half ago, I had set a goal to make a certain amount of money in a month. And I ended up making a lot of money that month, but felt so unfulfilled and unhappy. I remember just beating myself up like, why wasn't it even more? Like, what could I have done to make even more? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And what I've realized through those experiences is that Those goals don't fulfill me when I achieve them. I can achieve making a certain amount of money, but I don't feel fulfilled when I do achieve that goal. For me, I feel so much more fulfilled when I make the goal, how can I impact this number of people? How can I coach this many people? I want to coach this many people. I want to coach X amount of people in this amount of time. Like, I want to impact this many lives. For me, That is a goal that when I achieve it, I am fulfilled and I am lit up and I am motivated to keep going. And I'm not putting pressure on myself and asking, well, why wasn't it more? Now, that's a very personal example for me and from my own life, but I have also worked with people that they want to make money, but it actually is more enjoyable and fulfilling for them if they make the goal making a certain amount of money for their team because they have employees and a team and it's like, I want my co-founder to make X amount of money. And when they make that the goal, it's way more fulfilling and motivating for them. And so the trick of the trade here is really to figure out, like, what are the things that actually fulfill you? Is it helping people? Is it making an impact? Is it helping maybe not the people in the world, but the people that you love? Maybe it's providing for your family, right? Like, what are the things that actually fulfill you? And then making those the goal. I have found that When you make impact and service the goal and you really strive for that and go hard at that, you can make a lot of money kind of as a byproduct, but it's not like the forerunner. It's really about understanding that other people's goals and what you see other people achieving and doing online, it doesn't necessarily mean that you are gonna be fulfilled or happy by doing those same things. And you honestly don't even know if the people that you're seeing online are actually fulfilled and happy. Number 4, what if happiness isn't something you achieve, but something you stop interrupting? Sometimes the thing draining your happiness isn't your life, it's your relationship with your life. I went through this recently, actually, where I noticed that I was the one draining my own energy. And you might relate to this in some way, shape, or form. Like, And so I asked myself, like, where am I draining my own energy? Like, where am I managing my dream rather than living it? Where am I filtering for problems rather than allowing myself to just experience life? And the reason why this came up for me personally was with a specific goal that I have actually. So I have had a whirlwind of a year with writing a book, and my book is coming out, which by the way, it is available for preorder right now. The link will be in the description to preorder my book. I have been on an absolute whirlwind of a year, but with that being said, I sort of wasn't creating short-form content as much as I used to. I've been very much into creating this podcast. It's something that's really been fulfilling to me, um, just because I can talk with you and share more and describe more and make a bigger impact in my opinion. But anyway, I, I wasn't putting as much energy, energy into short-form content. And now that my book is done and I am in the promotion stage, I have been wanting to get back into short form. It's something that I genuinely enjoy. Like, I love creating short form content. It's something that actually lights me up. I love the creative process. I love it. So I've gotten back into it, and what I began to notice was that my brain was just so problem aware when it came to creating short form content specifically. Either it was, oh, the content's not doing well enough, or I'm not posting enough, and it was always Something. And I noticed that it was always something. And when I, when I noticed that, I checked myself, right? Because it's one thing if there is one specific problem, right? If there's one problem, then it's like, all right, that one problem might be needing to be fixed. But if you notice in your mind that it's always something, whether it's you're not doing it good enough or you're not doing it frequently enough, or you're not, you know, showing up for it, like, If you are recognizing that somewhere in your life there is always something that's just not enough, or always something wrong, always something to be criticized, then this is your opportunity to check yourself and label it as, I am being too problem aware over this right now. I'm draining my energy. Remember, there is a line that when you cross it, it's fine to be critical and, and look for feedback and analyze data, but there is a line. Over which when you cross it, it doesn't help you. It drains you. And I recognized that because I stopped, I wasn't creating content as much because I was beating myself up so much and my brain was so problem aware that I took all of the joy out of the process of creation that I love. And so I just decided, I literally just made a decision. You're like, what's the tool here? The tool is just to make the decision to allow yourself to enjoy it again and to stop being so problem aware. And every time now, now that you're hearing me say this, You're going to be aware of when you do it. So now when you catch yourself in moments of being problem aware about something, you catch yourself and you snap out of it and you make the decision of, we're not going to be problem aware about, of this anymore because it's taking the joy out of the experience of it. And it's keeping me from even doing it. And that leads beautifully into number 5, which is to stop monitoring your dream and start participating in it. I was having a conversation recently with somebody with a very big podcast, and I was talking to them about my experience with my podcast and just kind of the way that I do it. And they were asking me my numbers, and I was like, I don't know. I don't know those numbers off the top of my head. And they were like, you don't analyze this, this, this number, and this number, this number? And I was like, no. I mean, I have a team that looks at those numbers for me, but I don't do that. And I, I mean, I go and I check YouTube because you could see like how many views on a YouTube video it has. So like, of course, like I can tell what's resonating with people by just like how many views something has on YouTube. And that's about as far as I take it. There's a reason for that though. There's a reason for that because I've been stuck in that mental state before with short form content. Bring it on back. Where when I start overanalyzing and monitoring, oh, this is where people fell off. This is where, you know, when I start overanalyzing and monitoring, It gets me more in my head, and then that takes me out of the creative mode. And I find that it's better to just create more and fail more if that's what it takes. If it means that I fail more, then I fail more. But I have found that it's better for me energetically and mentally to have an— have a broad overview of, you know, what works, what doesn't, and, and be learning also about how to do better and how to, right? Like, it's not that I'm not. Getting feedback and learning, but I have noticed where overanalyzing keeps you from taking action. And I think so many people fall into this trap. So many people. I actually spoke at UCLA recently and I was on this panel and I was having students ask me questions about content creation and they were like, oh, is this true? Is this true? Do we need this? We have to do this. And I'm like, no, you don't have to do any of things. Just, just create, just start, just do it. And. This is a prime and beautiful example of where like overanalyzing and strategizing and planning, like it will keep you from taking action if you go too far down that rabbit hole. Learning is great, feedback is great, getting, collecting data is great, but recognize when it starts keeping you from taking action. And there's really a balance to be found there. But for me, for now, I find it more helpful to just have a broad overview of like what works, what doesn't on my podcast, and then just Talk about what I want and what lights me up, because I've noticed that that's what resonates with other people too. But to close this video out, I really just wanna invite you to become aware of where you are unnecessarily searching for problems or managing outcomes or draining your own energy. Become aware of it and shift, because the truth is that so much of what you currently have is a dream fulfilled. I wanna give you permission to enjoy your life. Right now, exactly as it is. Go tell someone that you love them. Give them a hug. Go pet your dog. Allow yourself to have fun with something and sit in the satisfaction of everything that you've already created for yourself. If you want to dive into the entire neuroscience-backed framework for reprogramming your subconscious mind and manifesting the life that you desire, then check the link in the description to save your seat at my free live masterclass that is coming up very soon. And again, my book is officially available for pre-order. I'd be so honored and grateful if you did pre-order my book. And last but not least, I am going on tour and we are collecting RSVPs. So go to the link and RSVP for your city because that is how we are going to decide what cities we go to on tour. Thank you so much for watching. I'm sending you so much love. I believe in you. I am rooting for you. You got this. You can do it. And if you're having a bad day or a bad hour, just know that you can always restart and you can always turn it around. You got this. Okay. I'll see you in the next one. Bye.
