25 MINUTES to Master Emotional Control | Unlock the POWER of Rational Thinking

All right, we've got Betty Ray with us here, 88 years old, with some awesome life advice and wisdom that we're gonna, we're gonna pull out. And you said you used to do this as a career, so—

I used to help people manage stress.

Oh, okay.

So I'm a physiotherapist and I branched off into dealing with people's problems in life and helping them deal with stress.

And people are stressed out more than ever right now.

Not me, but—

Not you. How does the ordinary person deal with it that you've kind of conquered it?

Well, I had a very unique way of managing stress, and I still use it today and help people who are interested in living well here at Del Manor. I was doing this in the 1970s when there wasn't any self-help books and people didn't— and psychology wasn't sort of a word on everybody's lips. And so I studied methods of a Dr. Albert Ellis, and he was just expounding his theory of rational emotive thinking. Really, he was the first to say, and it's a very important thing, that it's not what happens to us in life or doesn't happen, or what we do or don't do, but it's what we tell ourselves about what's happening or not happening, about what we did or didn't do. So our emotions are created by our thoughts, not by what happens. What happens has an influence, but the major step is realizing that you have a great deal of control over over your— so the feelings are very few. Stressful feelings is anger or anxiety or sadness. Those are both the three main, and you can just control your thoughts and you can change the degree and the intensity or how often you're going to feel upset.

How about loss?

Loss means a sadness. So you can suffer a loss when you have a— somebody dies or you lose a girlfriend or a boyfriend or And you use a job as a loss. A beautiful person getting older loses their looks. That's another kind of a loss. And so that's a sadness. Sadness is part of what you're trying to work on by changing your thinking. You know, wow, I know I've got lots of lines, but thank goodness I'm alive and I'm healthy. If I wasn't living a life, these things will happen and I will get over it. Because as humans, we've evolved to deal with life. So you will notice that people who have lost their spouses, within a couple of years they're back living pretty much. So it doesn't help when you have lost a young child. Wow, you know, suddenly it's an accident. I'm not asking to be able to help with that. But it helps with most of the things that happen that you think you suffered a loss. I've either lost something I really cared about, and— but I know that I could find and make another life for myself. I think the most important thing is, I believe, and I've had it, is that you have a good philosophy of life. So my philosophy of life, you're going to be short. Sorry you asked me a question. My—

this is great, this is great, I love it.

So I I have, I've always, I've had a philosophy of life from the time I was a young teenager and dealing with lots of stress and lots of problems, very difficult ones. But I've had this philosophy that I didn't want to waste one minute of my life. And so whatever I could do to make my life better, I was going to make it better. And so I didn't waste moments. Like if I hadn't have been fired from one job, I remember, and it's such a shock and you've lost a job, but then I was able to look ahead and say, well, what do I have to do to get past this? What can I do to make it good again? So it's like on the one hand, life gives me something, but because of my philosophy, I work very hard, but I don't fool myself. It's honest thoughts and honest thinking. Honest reasoning. And I say, what can I do about it? What can I do to make it better? What could I make it— make it less painful? So my goal is based on my philosophy of trying to make as good a life as I possibly can, given all the things that hit us in life.

The reason I ask is, personally, any negative emotion, like negative emotion, jealousy, anger, grief, whatever, I try to move through as quickly as possible because I don't want to stay there.

Good.

Grief is the one that just doesn't feel right for me to kind of push through. Like, if you lose somebody, I don't want to just wake up tomorrow and be like, oh, but like, my life is great, and just kind of move. I don't know, for whatever reason, for me personally, feels like grief is a special one that sometimes just has to be worked through. But I'd love your thoughts.

What I hear you're saying is, "I should be mourning. I should be sad. Something's wrong with me if I'm not sad and I'm not mourning." I haven't had the experience, thank goodness, of losing anybody. Even when my father died at 72, at that point in the '70s, I thought to myself, "Why, he's had a very good life." And so I didn't have any any grief. I just didn't have grief. I don't even know if I was practicing rational-emotional thinking then. But my mother, I didn't really care about, so I didn't mind when she died. And so I didn't feel badly that— I mean, I looked after her and she didn't know that, and I treated her with respect, and I understood where she was coming from, and I was, you know, good to her and helped her, and I didn't want her to die unnecessarily. But once I knew she was dying and she died. I was just okay the very next day. And people may have expected me to be sad, but I really wasn't sad. I didn't feel bad about it. So as I said, I haven't had the experience of having to live with the sadness of losing somebody in my life that I cared about.

This is a whole rabbit hole that we can dive deep in, but— Okay.

Now you can get back on track about what you're here for.

This is fascinating. I love this. Speaking about your dad, what's the greatest lesson that you've learned from him?

His philosophizing, his questioning of life, his wanting to ask questions no matter in whatever situation he was, he would ask questions about it. And I got that from him. So he had a philosophy of life. Don't sweat the small stuff. I don't know what the expression is, but he always felt that you work hard to make your life as good as you can and accept the life that you're given. I think acceptance is a very important thing of where you are in life in a lot of areas. So that's the answer to my question. That's what he taught me, the acceptance of life And the philosophizing about life. He was a great philosopher.

What's something you used to think mattered a lot but realized wasn't important as you got older?

Quite a number of things. I don't know if I can say one. That I needed others' approval all the time. That was a big one to get over. And it takes a lot of courage to behave in a way that you want to, and it might not always get others' approval, but have the courage to take the path you want to take and not to expect from others that they should be doing things. I don't expect anything, and that's something very important to me. People are the way they are, and I really can't control them. I can only control my behavior, and that saves me a lot of discomfort.

Speaking of courage, what's the most courageous thing you've done?

My most courageous thing is that because needing people's approval was the most important thing in my life until I was well into my 30s, and so my most courageous things I've done is had the courage to say no, I don't want to. That courage to say no and live without the other person's— because we are really animals and we We are frightened of getting other people's disapproval. And I was really afraid of other people's disapproval. So that's the greatest thing that I've learned in my life, to have the courage to say no. I have the courage of my own convictions.

Do you remember what made the shift in your 30s?

Yes. I was a physiotherapist, as I said. And I was, um, some obstetricians were using me to teach relaxation techniques is where I came from. And then they had people coming and asking me, talking about their problems. And I had so many problems of my own, and I was wasting my life dealing with my own challenges. I'm talking about my 20s and my 30s. And suddenly this— I was working at the Queen Street Mental Health Center in the behavior therapy clinic there, and in the 1970s, early 1970s, Albert Ellis came to give us a workshop on rational emotive thinking, which he was just expounding at that time. And he's the one that first said, it's not what happens to you in life that causes you to be upset. It's what you're telling yourself. And if you can choose what you're gonna tell yourself, you have a great deal of control over what you're going to feel. Well, that was like, it opened the door for me. And so I read his book from COVID to cover and it just changed my life. And since then I've been using it. I've taught it to my children. I use it every day. So it really does work.

Just walking into that one workshop one day completely changed the direction of your life?

No, no. I mean, it immediately— if Albert Ellis said there were three very main emotions And I felt myself feeling angry or anxious or sad, I would say to myself, what did happen? In the beginning, I had to be analytical. What happened? What are you telling yourself? What can you change and still be truthful about what you're telling yourself to just lower the intensity of it? And so Albert Ellis went on to develop to say he had about 5 different approaches to life. Do you want— can I say them?

Yeah, tell me.

I'm sorry, because it's very important. I don't know if I could remember because a long time since I practiced. Well, the things that get people stressed out is the need for approval. People should be liking me. I should be perfect. People and things should be the way I want them to be. Life should be easy, and life should be fair. If I personally swallowed him, okay, I can think of it, but I'm reading and it's true that if, and I've just talked about the reason it's very important to be able to have the courage to withstand others' disapproval so that you can live your life. Like Christine is our recreation director and she's got a wonderful way of being able to say, "No, I don't want to do it." And I admire that because for me, it's still a bit of a challenge and I have to talk myself through it. So I'm answering your question. That's the first one. Second was, am I perfect? Well, that we don't— we all know. And why must I be perfect? And so Albert Ellis talked about the need to accept yourself, not to— he doesn't like the word self-esteem. How do you measure yourself? By estimating your self-worth. He said, accept yourself. You are what you are. You're your genes, what society did, what happened. Your parents, whatever it is, you're doing your best. You're always doing your best and you can learn for the next time, but never try to achieve perfection because even when a child keeps getting 100%, you've got to be concerned because they will turn off because it's such an effort to be perfect. I would try to be as good as I could be, but I gave up perfectionism. And I can't say that I gave it up. I would, if I got 90 on an exam instead of 98, because my I would, you know, why, what did I, what question did I, but then I quickly would talk to myself and say, Betty Ray, you know, you've done this right, you've done this right, so you're allowed to make mistakes. And I would lower the level of the discomfort. In that case, making a lower mark. And the third one is people and things are the way they are. And Albert Ellis said, you can't, you aren't in control of other people's behaviors. You're not in control. You can only prefer that people behave. You only wish. But if you say they must and they should, and he gave up shoulding and musting right away, and you just say, "I would like," or, "Wouldn't it be nice if," then you get rid of all— I never get angry now. I never get angry because I know that people and things are the way they are. Life is the way it is. And I have 3 choices. I can I can ask them to change, or I can change myself. I'm talking your head off, but I can't answer it any other way so that you don't think it's voodoo. It's really a very thought, thoroughly thought-out approach to dealing with life.

Yeah, it's great.

So I'm sorry.

No, no, I'm listening my head off.

It's great. So life isn't easy. And he was, especially with young children, Knowing that you're gonna not do the homework for them. That they learn that life isn't easy, and there's a little uncomfortable feeling when you don't know the answers and you've gotta figure it out, and they're allowed to. So teaching children early on that life involves frustration, and yet life isn't fair. You know, I remember my son coming home saying, "The teacher wasn't fair," and, and, teaching them that life isn't fair and it's sad. And that's very hard. I spent my whole life being overweight and being envious of other people who looked slim and had— girls having slim bodies, that's a very big thing with girls. Why wasn't I allowed to eat what they're eating? I can still look in the dining room today and see people like this eating everything, and I have to watch everything I eat. And, but it isn't, life isn't fair. Anyway. So those are 5 major things. And I think it's pretty good if you can put everything in those 5 categories and find a way to have less stress in your life.

So it sounds like between stimulus and response, there's a little bit of emotional detachment that has to happen to even understand the situation.

Exactly. Objectivity. I'm very anxious if I, get ill and I'm not sure I'm going to get better at that moment. That's just because I— so that's a threat to my, my life and that's frightening. And so I, I have to really watch very carefully and I have to learn the techniques that I have learned to take deep breathing. So I know other techniques besides just thinking. I know I breathe deeply because when you're frightened, you You pant, and I know how to do the nose breathing. If my adrenaline does run away from me because I'm frightened of my illness, I have to admit that sometimes all the stuff doesn't work, but I can still lower the level of it a bit. What can I do? What do I need to do? And one of the most important things that I find, if I ask, what is the worst that could happen? So what's the worst that could happen? And that helps a lot to lower the level of anxiety.

I guess it's just like a muscle. You just— it's weak at the beginning and then you build it up.

I remember saying to Dr. Albert Ellis, do you mean I have to go through life thinking this through every time? And in the beginning I really did. But now it's okay.

It's automatic.

Most of the time. Most of the time it's automatic.

Yeah.

I have a tendency to be anxious. And so I have to work on that. What's the worst that can happen?

There's usually no saber-toothed tiger actually chasing us.

No, really, really. And, you know, it's what's wonderful to live in Canada in this society. And, you know, no policeman's going to come and arrest you. And you can go to hospital. The doctors are great. And I'm 88 and I'm alive and really well. Operating on all burners, so it's just great. But I work at it. I really am responsible for my own life. Nobody else is. I have to plan it and make— I'm the one who has to make my life good if I can.

What do you think the most important lesson has been that you passed down from you to your kids to your grandkids?

I have a good relationship with my grandchildren and my children, but I said, they've come to me and I've listened to them and I've validated what they're talking about and what they're feeling. I want to say that I didn't lecture them and I didn't tell them what they shouldn't do and what they should do. But the first thing I did was to teach them what I've just been talking to you about. And I gave them those tools. And I read one, one of my granddaughters said the most important thing I taught her was in any situation, You, you have 3 choices. You can try and change the situation, you can try and change the person, or you can leave the situation. And that's it. And to her, that was quite something that she has that choice in every situation. They really— and my children do use Ralph's early mode of thinking.

How would you define success? And have you lived a successful life?

You have no idea what I've dealt I can't, I don't even want to be as frank as I might be. I'm terribly frank. I dealt with one life-threatening and one life-debilitating psychological symptoms until I was 36. Both of those symptoms have been treated by medication. And so I went to, I was reading the newspaper when I was about 33, and that the Clark Institute was looking for people who exhibited these symptoms. And I thought to myself, because there was no name for what I was going through, but these symptoms I knew. And so I went to the Clark Institute. I was part of that study. Valium had just come out then, and they tried it on me, and it worked. It helped me very much. I don't want to I don't say to people, go out and take drugs. I don't mean that way. But I think there's a place for medication in helping people to get over certain difficulties in life.

So back to how would you define success?

Oh, I define success by I have every day a good day as much as I can, and I have a good life. I'm just satisfied with the way I've handled my life, my challenges with my marriage, and I feel great about the way I handled that with the 3 boys, my 3 sons, and they didn't, it didn't spill over into their lives. And so they've grown up to have 3 really full lives with families. And I think that the relationship I have with my children and my grandchildren and my nieces and nephews and people, and with people in general, is a sign of success. But the major success is that I enjoy— I'm serene. I like that word serene. I'm serene about every day. I think it's gonna be Pollyanna show, but I've been through terrible times. Till I was 36, I really suffered a lot.

I think the great part is you sought help, where a lot of people stay stuck.

Exactly. And I remember my whole family, including my older brother who was a surgeon at Mount Sinai, in 1970, he was so against me going to a psychiatrist. He said, what, you're going to a psychiatrist? Today it's quite open and it's quite wonderful that people do go for help. But I remember that when I wanted to go, it wasn't considered.

Yeah. You mentioned what you taught your kids. Have you learned anything from your kids?

My youngest son said to me, "Mom, what you say is very interesting, but you talk too much." And I've learned from that, and I really do. So I try to put— and I play a very quiet role when the family get-togethers. I feel that it's— they're not that interested now in what I have to say, unless they have a problem, then they'll call me or come. And so, and I don't forget, so I'm quite quiet at family gatherings, letting the next generation have its say.

What advice would you have for a young person trying to find purpose and fulfillment in their life?

Well, first of all, I don't worry about finding purpose in your life. I'm concerned in enjoying what you do. And if you're going to be working from 9 to 5, most of your life and spending the greater part of your day, try and work hard enough so that you can get to the level that you can have that kind of a career that will be stimulating, interesting to you, so that the better part of your day is an interesting day for you. And that is almost impossible to achieve if you have a parent telling you you should, or society, and you must. So walk to the tune of your drummer.

Any plans for your 90th or 100th birthday?

I already did it this spring.

You did your 90th birthday this spring?

I was 87, 88.

Yeah.

And I thought to myself, I'm really well and I'm happy. And, and I brought over two of my relatives from Israel. Wonderful relatives. I have lots of family in Israel. My father came over at 13. And then his two brothers went to Israel in 1913. And so I brought over most of it, and I arranged for the whole family, including their partners, and by now it's a big family, like 14 people, and we all went to Shaw Festival, stayed at the Queen's Landing for the weekend, saw My Fair Lady, and we were all together, and then We came back here and spent time up north with a son of mine up there, and it was just a wonderful get-together to be together. So that's what I did, and I thought, I'm going to spend the money at this time rather than wait for my 90th, when who knows if I'll make it to my 90th. Why not do it now? And it was great because these cousins from Israel and we're so glad to be together. Together with my children.

What decade was the happiest for you?

It just gets better right now. The '80s? Yeah, I mean, the '80s, you know, when I was in my first '80s and my '70s was— yeah, it just got better. And I kept learning and learning. And I often would be learning— something would happen and I would be upset at the way I behaved, and I'd say, what can I learn to behave differently the next? So I just kept growing. That's me.

I love it. It's great. As we wrap up, Betty Ray, is there a final message or story that you'd like to share with the world?

You don't have to be really wealthy, but it does help to have enough money so that you feel a bit secure and you're not scrounging day after day with fear of paying the bills and making a living. I think that money does play a role. Not as much as people think. I don't think you have to be— you don't need a lot, but I do think you have to know that it's an important part of your life.

Amazing, Betty Ray. Thanks for sharing today. So I had so much fun with Betty Ray that right after the filming, I thought, man, we could do a whole series together and call it Q&A with Betty Ray. If you like that idea and you would love to ask Betty Ray a question and I'll go back and ask her, pop your questions down below in the comments. So I will then show it to her and say, hey, Do you want to launch this new show, Q&A with Betty Ray? Or if I'm crazy, you don't think it's a good idea, all right, that, that's fine too. But I hope you like the idea and let me know in the comments below. And if you want to watch another amazing episode from Wisdom from the Elders, check it out right there next to me. I think you'll love it. Continue to believe, and I'll see you there. So we're here with Lillian, 86 years old, gonna get some life advice. You ready to go?

Life advice? Okay, let's try and see what I come with.