HACK Your BELIEFS and ATTRACT Massive SUCCESS! | Marisa Peer | #Entspresso

I find that even with cancer, if you have that belief, I'm going to try all this stuff but it won't work, and you know, it's— I'm riddled with it and there's no hope, and they start to read all these terrible diagnoses. I mean, in England you are not allowed to say to someone you've got 10 months to live because that's what happens. They turn into the 10 months. You cannot diagnose. What do they tell them? They just say, you know, we're going to do this and this and you may not survive this, but you could. And in the same way that if you're having surgery and they go, look, this is a complete mess in here, there's just No way. Even in surgery, your subconscious is hearing what's going on around you. And there are many people who come out of a coma who said, you know, I heard everything. The hearing is the last thing to go. If you make a choice to talk to yourself better, you can bounce back. You might as well use your mind as much as you possibly can to be well.

What you believe about yourself is the only thing that matters. At the end of the day, no matter how much outside affirmations you get or other people telling you that you're amazing, if you don't believe in your heart that you are amazing, it won't— none of that will last. Like, have you ever gone to an event or you ever made a video or created something, or you're hanging out with a friend and they tell you how amazing you are and that feels good, right? Like, the external affirmations and validation feels great, But then it fades. That stuff doesn't last. You don't have somebody being a cheerleader for you every day, showing up in your bedroom saying, "Hooray, go do this. You're amazing," right? We don't have that. You have to be that for yourself. If you're constantly only getting your value as a human being from other people when they tell you that you're amazing, you're never gonna love your life. You're never gonna love yourself. It has to come from you. It has to come from you telling yourself and you believing that you are amazing. Okay, so that's, that's a lot of words. How do you actually go off and do it? I think for me, this is why I believe that lack of belief is the world's number one problem. You know, I can go and meet somebody and fill them full of belief for a moment, but if they still don't believe in themselves and they're going home back to a life that they they had before because they don't believe in themselves enough. And so you have to design habits and routines and systems and schedules to slowly shift your belief in yourself forward every single day. And a good chunk of that is what you say about yourself. When you look at yourself in the mirror, what do you say? When you think about yourself, what do you say? A lot of, a lot of the stuff that we say about ourselves, we we wouldn't say to our worst enemies. It's rough. I actually think it's great to be your own worst critic. I think it's great. I think, honestly, I think for a lot of people, we're not hard enough on ourselves. Let me, let me, stick with me for a minute. We're not hard enough on ourselves because in order to get to where you want to go, you actually need to push yourself more. The problem is why we can't do it is We don't love ourselves enough. We're not our biggest cheerleader enough. You have to balance those two things. We are very hard on ourselves, but because there's no self-love, we're not cheering ourselves on enough. We're not our biggest cheerleader. You can't handle it. Most people are already at the breaking point, you know, like sitting here in a parking lot. These, you know, those— I guess it's kind of blurry. You can't really see them, but people hate their lives. They're barely hanging on. Most people are barely hanging on. We're barely hanging on to what we're doing. We, we can post all these great things on Instagram or wherever and make it look like we're enjoying our life, but most people are barely hanging on. The people who are judging you for your life and telling you that you suck hate their own lives. They are barely hanging on. So how do we get through it? Well, yes, we can be harder on ourselves, but we need to balance that with more self-love. You have to remind yourself of why you're great. What you're proud of, what you're grateful for. And it has to be consistent, otherwise you'll never get to where you want to go. And when you love yourself more, that actually allows you to be harder on yourself. When you love yourself more and you actually feel it, you can push yourself harder. You can, you can be more demanding of yourself because It's not going to push you over the edge because you're not tying your self-worth to you accomplishing that thing. And when you don't accomplish it, you feel like a loser. It's starting from a place of I'm amazing that allows you to be way harder on yourself. When I go to events, a YouTube event, for example, if I'm talking about anything entrepreneurship or YouTube related, I'm going in thinking I'm kick-ass. And because I feel that, I don't need to say that. Like, a lot of times we feel like we need to say that because it's masking an insecurity, right? It's like those people who— you've seen those memes where when people make a little bit of money, they've got all these chains and everything, but then the people who are ultra-rich who have all the money. You look even Jay-Z, like early Jay-Z, you know, he's got all his chains and everything. Now he's like, doesn't care, you know, he's walking around in a t-shirt and some jeans because he doesn't need to front, because he's just so self-confident now that it doesn't matter. Now it's actually expression instead of masking an insecurity. Most of us are just masking insecurities instead of actually being self-confident. And so when I'm going to an event, if I'm talking about YouTube, I'm walking in feeling amazing and I don't need to— I don't need to walk around and say, hey, look at me. And it's actually the opposite. I can go up and say, hey, where do I suck? It's my favorite question to ask. Why do I suck? Where do I suck? Can you point it out? If I can find one person to tell me where I suck at something, how my videos suck, my thumbnails suck— I don't believe that they suck. Right? I think they're amazing. But because I think they're so amazing, it allows me to go a lot harder on myself. And so people will give their honest opinion and say, hey, here's how I think it could be better. And so I think we need to do that more in our lives. We need to cheer ourselves up more. We need to cheer ourselves on more. So how do we do it? Let me, let me share some practical tips for you to execute. Number 1: music in the morning. Every morning, one of the most important things that I do is I put music on, and it's music that makes me move, makes me dance, makes me— there's some songs that if they came on, you would have to, you would have to move, right? Doesn't mean that you're up and like dancing through the whole house going crazy in your underwear first thing in the morning, but something that even if it's just making your head bob. There are songs that if they came on would make your head bob, and you'd probably be singing, maybe not out loud, but singing under your breath, humming a tune along. And be intentional with the lyrics, because if we're singing out lyrics that are negative, that has a lasting impact. But if you're singing out lyrics that are positive, that also has a lasting impact. So be intentional with music that you put on every day. First, start your day with music. It's the fastest way to change your state, to go from feeling low and tired and just, what day is it? What am I doing? I wake up every day like, what day is it? What am I doing today? Yes, but I demand excellence, and that starts with music because I don't have— I don't want to spend a lot of time trying to get into the right state of mind. I can command it. Whenever I want, just by putting on the right song. So be intentional with your music and the lyrics being positive. 2, connect to the work that you're doing and how meaningful it is. So the next thing I'll do is I'll take the dogs out and then I'll go for, uh, what I call a believe walk. And this is probably the most important part of my morning routine is I go for a believe walk, and it's a minimum of 20 minutes and it's a maximum of an hour. And I'll go for a walk by myself with 20 pounds on my back. I'll go rucking. I'll walk to Tim Hortons, usually get a coffee. You know, this costs $2, $2-something. So if I only had, you know, what's the, what's the best money I spend every year? Well, it's the $700 of going on my Believe Walk and getting the coffee. Every morning, and I'm thinking about what's my intention for the day, and I'm thinking about what I want to accomplish today and the lives that I want to serve and the people I want to help and, and what am I about to do today. And it's a mini celebration where most of the time we wake up like an accident, right? You wake up, you're probably late for something, you immediately look at your phone. What's on your phone? It's other people's demands for your time. Other people's emergencies of what they think you should do with your schedule today, right? That's what's in your phone, all the DMs and the emails and the texts and the missed calls and all— it's all other people's agenda for your time. That, that is not an intentional life. We wake up like an accident and start falling into what other people want us to do today. That's not what you need to do, and you need to protect your time. So the morning, having leave walk for me. If you want to go on your own, whether it's 20 minutes or an hour, that's really just a feel thing too. I don't book anything until 10:30 at the earliest in my calendar. Um, most of my meetings would be 11. First meeting would be 11. Movement Makers and Brandlytics, I'll start at 10:30. Uh, and before that there's nothing officially planned or scheduled so that it gives my morning free to do whatever I want to do. And so if I want to go for an hour-long I believe walk instead of 20 minutes, I can do that because I'm thinking, because I'm brainstorming, because I'm going through an idea. I treat that as walking meditation. If you like to meditate, meditate. I mean, it's the same thing. I just find meditation doesn't really help me that much. I like something a little more active, so I go for my believe walks. Do those two things. Put on a playlist, put on music, every morning with lyrics that inspire you, and then go for a believe walk, 20 minutes, to think about what you want to do today, what you want to accomplish, how you want to spend your time, where you want to be intentional, so you can start living the life that you want to live. Because the only thing that matters is how you feel about yourself. Are you proud of you today? Are you happy with what you've done today? Are you joyful in how you showed up for you today? And yes, we ultimately want to serve and help others, but the only thing that matters is how you feel about yourself. So we can stop relying on external validation and somebody else's words of affirmation for us to feel worthy. And flip it to say, I am worthy, I am amazing, I can do great things. And when you can shift into that energy, you will do great things. Also, to make sure you're actually taking action after watching this video, I've designed a special free worksheet just for this video. The worksheet will highlight all the lessons learned in this video, as well as pull out our 3 favorite learnings and quotes that will inspire you to actually do something. The worksheet will also give you space to write down what your key takeaways are and your specific plan of action to make sure you're getting results. If you want the worksheet designed specifically for this video, absolutely for free, there's a link in the description below. Go click on it and start building the momentum in your life and your business. I'll see you there.

What is interesting is we in RTT have something called role, function, purpose. So we say to people, if this headache had a role, what would it be? If your irritable bowel had a role, if these panic attacks had a purpose, and they come up with the most profound stuff, but it's only ever 3 things in 30 years. It's always the same 3. The panic attacks protect me. You know, my dad wanted me to be a family lawyer like him, but when I got panic attacks, he said, oh, you could never do that. No, you can't. How could you ever be in court with panic attacks? So they protected me from this expectation I knew I could never meet. The second thing is they punish me. You think, why would my mind punish me? But when I talk to people, they go, yeah, you know, I had an affair with my friend's boyfriend, and I— it caused so many problems, and now I've got colitis. I've got autoimmune, which means the body is attacking itself. When I was 15, I stole money from my mum's purse, and then I never told. But ever since, I've had this chronic irritable bowel, these terrible headaches. I blush all the time. You know, years ago, we used to go to do penance. We were used to wear hair shirts. But if you have guilt Your mind's job is to become judge, juror, jailer. Let me punish you. So punishing ourselves is huge. A lot of people do it, they don't even know why. And the third thing is get attention. You've all seen kids lying on the floor in the store screaming because they want attention. That was me getting sick because they want attention. You know, many, many children who can't get— if you can't get the love of your parents, the very next best thing is to be sick. It's almost as if—

But you have to pay attention.

Yeah. Oh, I didn't think my mom loved me, but she's driving all over town buying this gluten-free flour, getting this special cream, doing something. And for many kids, being sick is like, oh, I didn't think I mattered, but clearly I do. Now you've got all this special stuff in the house.

The more sick I get, the more—

Yeah, the more attention I get. And those children tend to become life's hypochondriacs. And my mother in England in the war, they evacuated children. They took all the children from cities, put them on trains, sent them to the country. The first thing that people who are incredibly successful do is they do what they hate. They are fully prepared to do what they hate to get to where they want to be. And people who fail, they will give up their dream before they do what they hate to do. People who are very successful, they never, ever, ever wait for motivation. They do it because when you do it, you become motivated. A great writer won't go, well, I'll just wait till I'm really motivated to start writing this book. No, they get up at 4 in the morning, they don't want to, and they start to write, and then of course they become motivated. So you wake up in the morning and you go— you're not going to go, yay, it's 5 AM and putting on my running shoes and going for a walk up Laurel Canyon. Of course you're not going to do that. You're going to wake up and go, "God, I really hate working out." But Marissa said successful people do what they hate to get to where they want to be. Because of course the wonderful thing is that when you do what you hate first enough times, it starts to become natural. Like, I've got to do my taxes. I'll do that first thing. I've got to confront someone, I'll do it first. And so I still to this day wake up and think, oh, I don't really want to do that, so I'm going to do it first because what I do want is to belong to that group of very, very successful people. So I know what the membership is, and every time I don't want to do something, I think, I don't want to do it, but what I do want is to belong to that group, so I'm doing it first. And it's, it's a great way way of thinking because it starts to move you around wanting to do it for all the right reasons. Many, many years ago, I met someone who wanted to be a rock star. That was his ambition. Actually, particularly wanted to be a drummer. And he was a very young married man with 2 children to support, and he was going for a lot of auditions. And of course, all the auditions take place during the day, and every time he had a job, they wouldn't let him take time off. So he decided he would have to work nights in order to audition during the day. And the only job he could get was a job he hated. He was a taxi driver and he hated it, but he did it. But he just wasn't making enough money. So he thought, okay, I'll have to work in McDonald's. I get more money, I can work nights, I'm free to audition. And about a month before he'd applied to work in McDonald's, he'd been for an audition to be a drummer in a band. He didn't even know who the band was. And the day he was due to start working McDonald's, which he absolutely hated even the thought of, he got a call to go, "You know that band you auditioned for? It's actually Simple Minds, and now you're the drummer in Simple Minds." So he never worked in McDonald's or drove a cab again for the rest of his life. But when he told people that story, they'd all go, "Oh, I would never work in McDonald's. Oh my God." I'd never degrade myself by driving a cab around London. And I'm like, don't you think you're missing the point? His ability to do what he hated is what made him a rock star, because he had to have his days free to rehearse and audition. But if he had your mindset, I'd never do that, he would never be a multi-millionaire rock star. It was because he was fully prepared to do what he hated to swallow his pride, to keep his vision in mind. I want to be a rock star. I must be free for auditions. How can I do that? Well, I have to work as a cab driver and in a fast-food restaurant, which I hate. I'm gonna do it because it's gonna take me to my goal. And it did. But the people who laughed at him and said, I wouldn't do that, none of them are rock stars. We have this belief that our brain's job is to make us as happy. Oh no, your brain's job is to make you survive. It doesn't care if you're happy, it cares if you survive. So when you say, my job is killing me, this commute is stressing me out, I'm dying under the paperwork, it wants you to stop. And so because your brain's job is to move you towards pleasure, you've got to say, I love working weekends, even if it's not true. I love going to the gym. I'm so lucky I've got I've got a baby that wakes me up at 3 in the morning. I know it sounds really Pollyanna, but you can trick your mind all the time going, "I love it, I want it, I like it." And that's what Olympic athletes do when they're training, when they're getting up at 3 AM to run. They don't go, "Oh, this is great." But they also don't go, "Oh my God, I hate it." They go, "Yeah, this is going to make me an Olympic athlete," because they understand the mind's need to move you towards pleasure and away from pain. Away from pain. And if you link pain to something, your mind will make you give it up really quickly. And people who fail give up their dreams because they link pain to them. But people who succeed meet their dreams. They go, yeah, I want to work all weekend, I'm building a business. I want to work nights writing this book because I'm going to write a book. You can choose what to link pain and pleasure to. In fact, you can choose anything you like But you know what you can't choose? What happens when you say things like, "I hate my job, I hate my boss, my in-laws are killing me, this kid is driving me crazy." Sure, you can choose to say that, but you can't choose what happens when you are very negative. If you don't have self-belief, you're not going to get anywhere. If you have extraordinary self-belief but very little talent, you can get everywhere. But if you have both, if you have talent and belief, it will actually make you unstoppable. Now, I work with a lot of football teams and a lot of football players, and a lot of those footballers come out of school at 14, they know they're going to be famous players, they don't really pursue an education. A lot of them have extraordinary negative self-belief because they're only good at sport, which is a great shame. And one of my players at the moment has now become a fantastic commentator, but I do a lot of work with him to put in him that belief because he wasn't great at spelling and he wasn't great at school because he knew he was going to be a footballer. So belief without talent will take you far further than talent without belief, but if you have both, you can go far. But everyone can learn self-belief.

You mentioned something about leaning into the feelings until you no longer need to feel them, or until they go away.

Feel the feeling until it no longer requires to to be felt.

Why do we, why should we do that? So give me an example of a feeling.

So let's imagine you, you and your ex-wife are not getting on and you have a feeling of rage about the fact that she's trying to get your kid to call the new guy daddy and she's blocking you out and you feel so angry. You think, well, I mustn't feel angry, you know, she's doing it for the interest of my kid or, and so I just drink the anger and I drink the anger and you see with a feeling, it's the most real thing you have. A feeling is like a little kid in a class going, "Notice me, I'm over here!" And if you don't, they get more and more out of control. And so when you don't acknowledge your feelings, they regroup, and they regroup until they become outrage, rage coming out. And then suddenly they go a bit crazy in the car park of a store or the line of a store because the mind says, "I've got all this rage, wants to come out." Someone just cut into the line, take it out on them. And it's so ineffective, because I have something I call Triple A, which is: be aware of your feeling. Most people have no idea what they feel. They go, I shouldn't feel jealous, I shouldn't feel envious, I shouldn't be furious with this kid who's keeping me up all night. So they're not aware of it, they certainly can't accept, and they never get to articulate. If you can say, you know, my wife's She's a good person, but actually I'm furious with what she's doing. It really hurts my feelings. That's why group therapy and places like AA, the good thing is you get to say, sometimes I could quite cheerfully hurt my wife. I'm not going to, but I feel like it. Oh yeah, I feel like that too. Because when you can express your feeling, it goes away. It goes away immediately.

But when you—

Yeah, even to yourself. So if your mother-in-law is the absolute bitch from hell and you can't say, by the way, Dorothy, you are the most horrible mother-in-law in the world, but you just go and shut yourself in the bathroom, turn on the taps, flush it all, and say, Dorothy is a really unpleasant mother-in-law. And one of my— you feel so much better because you're not saying it to them. It's like feelings are like gas. They're in or they're out, and they hurt much more when you keep them in, and you want to let them out. It has to be, obviously, not right in the middle of a meeting, but when you keep stuff in, it causes you pain. You really need to make familiar— here's something that will change your life if you make it familiar: praise yourself. Say, "I did a great job. I did a good job." You know, in the days of startup, where you're running your own business, it may take 2 years before you see you see a profit, the only person who's going to praise you at the end of every day is you. So say, "I did a great job. I did a really good job today. I love what I'm doing. I'm good at it." Make praise familiar. Everyone's good at something. You know, you're not meant to be good at everything. It's no good being a jack of all trades and a master of none. So be really good at what you're good at, and don't worry about what you're not good at, because we're not all supposed to be good at the thing. Find your talent, you know, find out what you love to do. What you're meant to do lies directly behind and is absolutely linked to what you love to do. When I was a kid, actually, I loved writing little stories and illustrating them, and it's funny that now I am a very successful writer because I was always writing when I was a kid, but I never considered that as a career, but it kind of found me later. My daughter was always drawing drawing and always— in fact, she went to college to be a criminologist and then gave that up and became an artist because it's what she was meant to do. So find out what you love and be brilliant at it and believe in yourself. You can't do that. You'll mess it up. You'll never get it right. You're just not good at that. I want you to change that voice to a cheerleader, a parent who dotes on you, a teacher who thinks you are the best thing in the world. And I want you to hear that voice saying, "Yay, you can do it. You're amazing. This is your area of excellence. You're good at this." You know, if you were a kid running a race at school, you'd want your parent to be there going, "Come on, come on. You're brilliant. You're amazing." If you were doing an assignment at school, you want the teacher or your parent to go, "You're very smart. You're really good at writing. This is your skill set." So I want you to become a loving parent to yourself, a praising teacher, a cheerleader that always goes, yes, you can do this, this is easy for you, this is a walk in the park, or you have the skills, the talent, you've read that book, you know the answers, you've studied. So that's how you stop being your own worst critic. The other thing very successful people do is that they just don't take no for an answer. They get rejected, everyone gets rejected, but they come back. They do not take no for an answer. And I remember working with Luther Vandross on one of my shows, and he— unfortunately, he's died now. And he said, you know, people call me an overnight success. Richard Gere said exactly the same thing. He said, you know that overnight success? He said, it took me 12 years singing jingles for Kentucky Fried Chicken before I got a record deal. There is no overnight success. Success. They get rejected, but they come back over and over and over again. Self-esteem means how much you like yourself. When you like yourself, you also like other people too. You can't like yourself and not like other people. So a lot of violence and aggression would end if we could just learn how to like ourselves and other people rather than feel dissatisfied with ourselves, which means of course you're dissatisfied with with someone else. Because if you don't like yourself and you feel dissatisfied, you want everyone around you to be like that too, and then you feel a bit better because you're in the same company. If you don't feel very good and everyone around you is happy, then what you want— what people do is they tend to try and diminish everyone else or elevate themselves. But you can't elevate yourself if you don't like yourself. So a lot of the issues we have in schools— the violence, the truanting, they're not achieving— could be cut in half if you just taught children to really like themselves and to have self-esteem. When you focus on the worst possible outcome, you actually feel as if you are in that worst possible outcome. The only way to overcome a fear is instead of focusing on the worst possible outcome, to focus on the best possible outcome. I'm driving, it's foggy, it's It's dark, it's icy, I might skid off the road and kill myself. Or, I'm driving very carefully, I'm driving very slowly, I'm driving very cautiously, 'cause I'm going to be safe and I'm going to get home. See, that's the difference. You just have to give yourself different beliefs. The thing with fear always is you have two choices. Rationalize why you feel so terrible, or talk, yourself out. You know, I was on the beach with my daughter and there was a big dog, and it was quite a scary dog, and she didn't like this dog. And I said to her, you know, darling, when you don't like a dog, you get very scared, and the dog doesn't like it either, and he gets scared. So when you see a scary dog, turn your back to it. Don't look at it, because when you look at it, you're challenging it. And that's hard to do, to turn your back on a dog. But if you turn your back, it's not a challenge. And she understood that. And I was always teaching her, when you have a fear, you have a choice. Oh my God, that dog's going to bite me, attack me, hurt me. Or I'm going to talk myself out. I'm going to turn away. I'm going to breathe. I'm going to be really calm. And that dog's just going to go on its way. And it's the same with everything in life to do with fear. Rationalize why you feel so fearful, or Talk yourself out of it. I'll be fine. This is okay. Everything's going to work out perfectly. I'm okay. All of these fears hold you back, and they don't have to, because every fear you go through teaches you something. You see, if you go to a funfair and go to those loop-the-loop rides, you can scream in terror or you can scream in excitement. And the fact that people put themselves through those rites means that at some level we quite like fear. It challenges us to do more. It challenges us to grow more. So don't fear fear. Remember, the only fear to fear is fear itself. I don't do no. I refuse to take no for an answer. So if I'm told no, you know, when I was told you can't have a baby or you'll never be able to do that, I don't let that in. In, which I find very useful. I do let in criticism, but only if it's useful. And so I'd say that's probably my best attitude. I just won't take no for an answer. And I was studying once celebrities, because I work with a lot of them, and I mean, I don't put myself in that category, but what I found out was that celebrities don't take no for an answer. They're very interesting. They simply refuse to do no. And if you say to them, 'Okay, we're having a party, everyone's coming wearing white,' they'll turn up in green because they want to be a little bit different, but they don't see it as a handicap, they see it as an asset. And it's a, it's a great thing to not take no for an answer. We used to live in walled cities, and, and our strength came from numbers. We were in a group, and with numbers we survived. Now you can live in an apartment, you can have cats and dogs, you can have your grocery You can never see anyone, and you could live till you're 110, but we still feel this feeling, I'll die if you reject me. No, you won't, you'll get stronger. But you know, for women especially, if you went back 500 years ago, you're a hunter-gatherer, and your guy died out spearing a wild beast, you would die. Who's gonna raise your children, who's gonna feed you? So in our evolutionary psychology, we have this fear, I'll die if you don't like me. And we try to get over it by buying stuff and going to the gym and having our hair done or getting a nicer car or trying to impress people. And what you should do is impress upon your mind, look, I know you think I'm going to die from rejection, I'm not. Actually, it's going to make me stronger. Stronger. And if you can dialogue with yourself and go, okay, I've just been dumped, I feel a bit sad, it's not going to kill me, it's— that was a starter relationship, the next one is going to be way better— then it does make you stronger. The third thing you must do to really feel great about yourself all the time and to radiate confidence, that real inner confidence, is to learn not to let in destructive criticism. You can't stop people criticizing, but you cannot let it in. Years and years and years ago, when I was getting engaged to my boyfriend, my boss actually said to me, when I said, "Oh, I need some time off, I'm getting married," she went, "Oh my God, your boyfriend's so good-looking. How on earth have you got him to marry you?" I remember thinking, "Wow, that's a bit hardcore." And I could have said something like, "Oh, yeah, I have to handcuff him to the bed, he's so good-looking." But you see, that's letting it in and having to come back. I could have said, "How dare you say that to me?" So I just said to her, "Oh, it's called love. You know, we love each other." And I didn't let it in because I thought, "Wow, she must be a really unhappy person to do that." But much, much later, it was obviously a different boyfriend, someone said to me, "God, your boyfriend is so unattractive. You could do so much better. Why are you with him?" And I went, "That's what an amazing guy he is," because I've never even seen him. Seen that, I just think he's incredible. And my daughter said to me, "Mummy, he's really ugly." And I said, "Yeah, I know, and I love him so much," which shows what a great guy he must be because I just think he's gorgeous. And of course my daughter then realized that she couldn't go anywhere with that because I didn't let it in. And so if you can learn not to let in destructive criticism, that too will change your life. Here's some things I want you to start doing today, right now, that will build your self-esteem. Super fast, the number one thing is to praise yourself. There is nothing, nothing, nothing that will build your self-esteem like praise, but your praise. If you have a shop assistant who says, "Oh, you look really great in the outfit. Yeah, it suits you, you must buy it," they have an agenda. If your boss says, "You're amazing at your job, but I need to give you work to do over the weekend," they have an agenda. Someone dating you might have an agenda, and your mind knows it. But when you say, "I'm great at my job, I'm smart, I'm kind, I'm nice, people like me," there is no agenda. Unfortunately, when you go, "I'm rubbish at my job, I'm boring, I always mess up, and I have no friends," your mind lets that in too, because your mind doesn't really care if what you say is right or wrong. Wrong, good or bad, healthy or unhealthy. Let me prove that to you. I want you to put your hand in front of your face like that. I want you to close your eyes. I want you to imagine you have a big, fat, juicy lemon, and I want you to breathe in that wonderful lemon smell and just squeeze it a bit and feel that wonderful lemon texture, because nothing quite smells like a lemon. So still really believing you have half a lemon in your hand, open your mouth, shove that lemon in there, cram that half a lemon into your mouth and start chewing and sucking and biting and swallowing the flesh. Keep sucking all that lemon flesh into your mouth, bite it, chew it, suck out the juice. And you will notice that what is happening is your body is responding responding to a thought as if it's a fact. Your body is responding to the image and thought of eating a lemon as if you are actually eating a lemon, and it's making saliva because thoughts are things. And every thought you have has a physical reaction in your body and an emotional response to when you think, "I don't have friends, I can't talk to people, I can't take things back to a I can't ask for special treatment. I don't know how to talk to people. Then your mind accepts that as a fact, just like the lemon. But when you say, oh, I can talk to anyone, I'm an interesting person, I'm warm and friendly, people like me, and I can make eye contact, I'm good at my job, I can ask someone out on a date, I can tell the person I'm involved with what I need, your mind accepts that too. And someone recently said they keep a lemon on their desk now and look at it every day. I'm sure they change it every month because that lemon reminds them every day that they are responsible for what they think and feel. And you know, responsibility, that word means an ability to respond. So I want you to start to praise yourself. I want you to wake up in the morning, the first thing you go is, I I like myself. We like people who say, I've got something to offer the world. And it's very— people are very reassured by confidence. You know, we're all scared that we're going to come across as arrogant. But if you're on a flight and you hit turbulence, you want a confident pilot. If you're sick, wouldn't you like a really confident doctor to go, oh, I'm the best doctor in New York. I'm going to make you better. You wouldn't want one who goes, 'Well, I don't want to brag, you know, I'm sort of okay sometimes, but you know, he's better than me.' We don't want our kids' teacher to go, 'Well, I'm not the best, you know, I have good days.' We want them to go, 'I'm the best teacher, and I'm going to give you back your kid in a year's time radiating confidence and talent.' You know, we pay for that, and yet we're so scared of saying I've got a gift, I've got a skill, this is what I'm good at. People think the brain's really complicated. It's not. It's actually quite simple. You only need to know 3 things about your brain to always get what you want. And the first thing is your brain does exactly what it thinks you want it to do because it listens to everything you say. So when you say things like, "Oh God, you know, I got dumped, it was so painful, I never want to go through that again," All your mind can pick up is you don't want to be in a relationship again. When people have a miscarriage and go, I could never, never go through that again. I'd rather die than go through that again. Your mind is picking up, oh right, well that's a statement. That's actually a command to me to make sure you never go through miscarriage again. And that's how you get unexplained infertility, which is something else I've been working on a lot recently. Because the mind listens to it. You see, some people go, oh, I went on this flight, I thought it was going to be I'll never get on a plane. If this plane lands, I will never ever get on a plane again. And of course it lands, they go, oh, it was just turbulence. But next time they go to the airport, they have a massive panic attack because your mind's like, hang on a minute, you said I never want to fly again. And so if you haven't got what you want, it's because you're giving your mind very confusing messages. Your mind's number one job is to listen to what you say. What you say and to act on it. Its second job is to move you towards pleasure and away from pain. And it will always, always, always do more to avoid pain. So let's imagine you've gone for an interview, you've done a public speech thing like me, and you've stood up and you've gone, uh, uh, uh, and you say, oh my God, I'm never doing this again. And you'd have a terrible presentation. And one of my clients who had fisonia was saying that she had to stand up and just say to Sony, this is a new band from Camden. And she stood up and went, this is a new band from— and they're called— I couldn't do it. It was the simplest thing, and my boss had to take over. I was explaining to her that when you do that and go, oh my God, I don't want to do this again, your mind is now going to make sure you don't do it again. So the next time you go to speak, it will give you a panic attack, it will make you ill. And if you say to yourself, "Oh my God, I'd love a week off in bed," or "I'm dreading next Wednesday," your mind is so in tune with you. Your week off in bed, you wake up with the flu and your mind's like, "There you go. How cool am I? There's your week in bed. You don't want to go to that speech? I've woken you up with diarrhea, so now you can't go." That's what the mind does. When I was giving my first ever presentation about my first ever book, I woke up with the most excruciating migraine. I'd never had one before. I thought, "Wow." I must have been saying to myself, "I don't want to do this because I've got this migraine." And I actually went and did it, and I didn't have the migraine until I stepped back off the stage again, and I realized that I was communicating very badly with myself. So you must never say nervous, say excited, because your mind listens. So those 3 things are: your mind does what it really thinks you want to do. If you're very, very specific and say, "I want this," I want to be a great speaker, I want to deliver things, I want to be fantastic at sales, I want to be able to look people in the eye and sell them things and come across as really authentic, your mind will understand. And if you make those pictures really good— When there is a battle between logic and emotion, emotion always, always, always wins. How many of you have gone to a really high building an enclosed building like the top story of a hotel or the CN Tower in Toronto, and looked down and thought, oh wow, I feel really scared. My logic mind knows that I'm safe, that the glass is that thick, that I can't fall, but the emotion that's making my stomach lurch is winning. So when you have a battle between emotion and logic, emotion always, always, always wins. Here's some Here's something you all know. We can all ring our friend up and go, "I'm a bit bored, a bit lonely. Can I hang out?" Or, "I'm a bit bored. Let's go to the movie." You would never ring someone you've just met and go, "I'm bored and lonely. Will you come and hang out with me? Let's go to the movie." Because the emotion that you might be rejected will overrule the logic that says, "This person may be the person for me." If you're having a battle between yourself, here's a great one. I know I shouldn't eat cake, that's the logic, but the emotion is, oh, the cake feels so good and this creamy sugary stuff reminds me of being a baby when all my needs were met by having creamy sugary stuff. So in a battle between emotion and logic, logic will never win, emotion will always win, and you can You can make that win for you by making it a better emotion. So here's how to do it. Here's an emotion, I'm scared to ask for a pay rise in case my boss laughs me out of the office. Make it a stronger emotion. If I go to my boss and show them what I've done, how valuable I am, that won't happen. Here's an emotion, I really want to ask that person on a date. I'm not good enough. Change the emotion. I'm wonderful, I'm amazing. What could I get from asking someone on a date that says yes? So much. And if they say no, I'm only exactly where I was before, except I've been brave. I've done something courageous. I've taken action. Even if it doesn't work out, I've lost nothing, but I've gained courage. So when you're having a battle between logic and emotion, emotion always wins, logic never wins. That's why you could stand on the windowsill of your apartment if it was on the ground floor, but you would never stand on the windowsill, same size, if it was 100 stories up, because the emotion that you may fall will defeat the logic that says, I can do this when it's a few feet off the ground, why can't I do it Why can't I do it up here? Because emotion overrules logic. You can make your life phenomenal, extraordinary, and wonderful by always using emotion to defeat emotion. Every baby in the world is born loaded with self-esteem. No baby, when they're being pushed down the street in their stroller, goes, oh, don't look at me, I'm having a bad hair day, or I've just been 'Oh, I've been sick on my little romper suit,' or 'I've got really fat legs.' Baby's first experience on the planet is being looked at. When you're born, the doctor, the nurse, the midwife look at you. Family come to visit you. You get your picture taken. People show you off, and babies don't avert their eyes when you take their picture. When I used to push my little girl down the street, people would look in her pram and go, 'Oh my God, she's so gorgeous.' She never looked away. She kicked her little legs. She gave a big gummy smile because she knew that she was gorgeous too. And if you ever doubt that children like attention, go to a park, go to a swimming pool, and you'll hear every child going, "Mummy, Mummy, look at me on the swing! Daddy, watch me on the slide! Mummy, Mummy, watch me jump in the water! Watch me swim! Watch me jump!" Because children have this belief that I'm worthy of attention, and I like it, and I can ask for it, and I'll I'll get it. And then you have to ask, well, where does that go? Well, it goes very fast. You know, if I said to my little girl at 2, sing mommy a song, she would sing. If I said to her at 14, sing me a song, she'd roll her eyes and go, my God, it's so embarrassing, and walk out of the room. Because at a very early age, we acquire a fear of being judged. It's what is called performance anxiety. What if I sing and someone laughs at me? Me. What if I read in class and I get it wrong? What if I stand up to speak and I don't know what to say? And performance anxiety can be so intense that it makes us stop performing. But people who perform really well like themselves. They go, I'll see what happens, and I'll sing, I'll dance, I'll act. I mean, some people can't even dance at a party in case everyone's looking at them and judging them badly. Some of my clients won't even go to yoga in case they can't hold the poses like everyone else. And believe me, we're all so busy worrying about us, we don't have time to look at you and comment on your yoga position or how you're dancing at a party. And we kind of like people who don't care, who just let go and have a good time. So the thing you need to have phenomenal confidence really are two things. Stop judging yourself and be nice to yourself. The very successful people, they do do these things quite naturally. If they have to fire someone, if they have to make a very uncomfortable phone call, they will do it first. And what's interesting is that they naturally do that. They would say things like, well, you know, I've got to end a partnership with my best friend, or I've got to fire someone I really care about. I couldn't possibly have that hanging over my head all day. I need to do it first, then it's done, and then I feel better. People who are not in that group will go, "Oh God, I've got a fire like my friend. I'll do that at 6 o'clock. I'll wait till the end. I'll do that after lunch." Or, "I've got to go and do a grueling workout. I'll do that at 5 o'clock." But of course, 5 o'clock comes and you have a phone call to make or you've just had lunch and then you don't get to do it. Even in school, I mean, one of my clients who is very successful said, "Yeah, when we had to, you know, read out an essay, I never understood the kids who went last. I put my hand up and went, 'I'll read the essay first because I want it done.'" So they do it naturally, but that doesn't matter because, of course, the wonderful thing is that when you do what you hate first enough times, it starts to become natural. Like, I've got to do my taxes, I'll do that first thing. I've got to confront someone, I'll do it first. And so I still to this day wake up and think, oh, I don't really want to do that, so I'm going to do it first because what I do want is to belong to that group of very, very successful people. So I know what the membership is, and every time I don't want to do something, I think, I don't want to do it, but what I do want is to belong belong to that group, so I'm doing it first. And it's, it's a great way of thinking because it starts to move you around wanting to do it for all the right reasons. I always say to all my clients, there's only 3 things wrong with everyone. Everyone has got 3 things wrong. The number 1 is I'm not enough. The second one is I'm different so I can't connect. And the third is I really want something like freedom from depression or success, but it's not available. But I'm not enough is the biggest. I mean, I've worked with hundreds of thousands of addicts. I've never found one ever that ever believed they're enough. And if we look at the key addictions— shopping, binging on food, binging on alcohol, binging on drugs, sex, sex especially, porn— all of those things come from a feeling of emptiness inside because because we're taught, "Oh, you feel a feeling? Why don't you eat some doughnuts or go onto eBay and buy, or Amazon, or buy something or have a drink." And our feelings are the most real thing we have and we push them down. We find all this stuff to buy or eat or drink or take to keep us, like John Lennon said, comfortably numb. But then the feelings regroup and come back because they've always got a job to do. And I was I say to my clients, look, you've got to feel the feeling until it no longer requires to be felt. You can't eat it or drink it or shop it away, but we're all taught that we can and should. So I'm not enough is the biggest problem. But then you have to understand a bit more of psychology because humans are hardwired to recreate what they know. We like what's familiar, even if that's very, even if it's very bad. If I've never had money and I win the lottery, I'm going to get rid of it. Or if I've never had love and you love me, I'm going to reject you because it's so unfamiliar. If I've had a dad who calls me an idiot and worthless, guess what kind of guy I like? That's it. Because when I meet them, I go, oh, I feel like I've known this guy my whole life, we just clicked. And then you think, oh my God, it's because he's my dad. But now I've been sleeping been living there for 6 months, I don't know what to do with that now. Because we are wired to like what is familiar and to resist what's unfamiliar. And that's what kept us alive when we lived in walled cities. You wouldn't go, I'm a bit bored with this group, I think I'll go outside the walled city and find another tribe, because they might have killed you. So we have this wiring that says run towards what's familiar and run away from what's unfamiliar. But the very good news is you can make anything familiar. And the most important thing to make familiar is praising yourself. That's— if you could just do that, that in itself would change your entire life.

How do you praise yourself?

Well, you get up in the morning and go, I'm a good person. I have a skill. I have a talent. I have something to offer the world. I'm here for a reason. You look in the mirror and go, oh, there you are. You're a good person. You've got a good heart. You know, the most important way to answer that question is this. What did you always want your dad to tell you, even if you never had a dad? If you had a dad, a good dad, what would he have said? What would your mom have said? What would a nice teacher have said to you? And it would be something like this. I'm proud of you. You're a good son. I'm so glad I'm your dad. How lucky I got to have you. And a teacher would say, you're such a smart kid. What a joy it is to teach you because you're smart. And we all want to hear the same stuff. I love you. I'm proud of you. You're interesting. You're great company. Nobody needs to hear, I'm the best dentist in Beverly Hills, because that doesn't work. It's emotions. And many of my clients, their Mother might be dead, but they're still trying to get her to approve of them. Dad's living in another country, but they're still working to make him like them. And you know, the most important thing is you like you. So whatever you wanted to hear, say it to yourself, because your mind doesn't even know that it's coming in. It also doesn't care. Your mind doesn't care what you tell it is right or wrong, or true or false, or even if it's good or bad. It it in like chapstick on your lips. Your lips don't go, is this organic, fair trade? Just lets it in. It needs a bit of nourishment, and we need some nourishment, and words are very nourishing. And there is actually nothing on the planet that will raise your self-esteem like praise. But self-praise is better. I said to you, I just adore you, you're amazing. By the way, you know, can you do this this and this, I've manipulated you. But if I say it to myself, my mind knows there's no manipulation, and the mind likes repetition. When you say it every day, your mind kind of goes, oh yeah, here you go again with that phrase. You say it every day, must be true. And now it sinks in. In my experience, people who try to be perfect are the unhappiest people in the world, and they're almost always the loneliest youngest do. When you try to be perfect, you have entered a race that you can't win. You can't even complete it. There is no finishing line. The finishing line keeps moving. So when you're in a race to be thinner, happier, richer, more successful, you can't complete that race. You can't win it. And instead of thinking, oh, I'm reaching my goals, you feel intense Dissatisfaction. Here's the truth, the way you feel about everything is down to the pictures you make in your head and the words you say to yourself. And guess what is so great? You can change those pictures anytime. You can change those words. Every thought you think, every word you say becomes a blueprint that your mind, body, and psyche use everything at their disposal to make real. Thoughts are things. What you speak and think and say without realizing, your mind is working so hard to make that your reality, even if it's super negative. You know, I see parents all the time who say things like, I'll be happy when my kid sleeps through the night. I'll be happy when my kid's out of diapers. I'll be happy when my kid is walking, feeding themselves, going to school. And they spend their whole child's life looking at the next bit to be happy when you should be thinking, wow, I wish every stage took 3 times as long. You waste your amazing life wishing it away for the next bit because happiness is not a destination you arrive at, it's the journey you're on. It's an inside job. Do not farm out, I'll be happy when, because there is no terminal to get to called happiness. Perfectionists come in all shapes and sizes, and they're often very good at hiding their inner drive to be perfect. There's one thing that drives them all, an inner belief that says, "I'm not enough. I'm less than. If I'm less than and I can come across as perfect, I'll be more than." You know, my neighbors always say to me, "Wow, you have so many famous clients. Are they damaged by fame?" I'm like, "No, they're not." I'm like, no, actually no. Damaged people are attracted to fame. They have a belief, I'm so damaged, but if I'm famous, rich, gorgeous, amazing, I'll be perfect. But you see what happens when damaged people try to be perfect? It actually damages them more. You don't need to be perfect. You don't need to be flawless. You don't need to be influential. You just need to be enough. And when you let the fact in that you are enough, instead of trying so hard to be perfect, which you can never achieve, when you let in being enough, changes your life. So let it in that you're enough right now, because that's the truth about you.

What is it about hypnotism that makes it work? Is it that people, the things that are them up are like buried deep in the subconscious? Like, why hypnotism? Why was that the radical breakthrough?

Hypnosis is the actual grandfather of even science. Psychotherapy. People think hypnotherapy is the poor relative and it's come along, and it's actually in front of everything. A lot of hypnotherapists don't understand what hypnotherapy really means, and what it means is you can shut down the critical part of your mind that goes, 'I could never speak in public,' 'Oh, I could never live without donuts.' That bit shuts down, and while it shuts down, you can excite the imagination and tell people stuff they simply don't they could do. So give you an example, I was recently having a medical procedure and the nurse said, oh my god, we all know you and we have this kid and he can't go in the scanner, he's terrified. And I said, oh, I'll show you what to do. And in 5 minutes he was loving being in that scanner because I taught him, listen, it's how you talk to yourself. If you go, I feel like I'm in a coffin here and I'm ill and now I'm in the scanner and it's reminding me that I could die, and why would you talk to yourself like that? What you say say is, "I love this. This is amazing. I've got half an hour to chill out." And so people don't understand that what makes hypnosis powerful is powerful words, but they got to be super powerful, really dynamic, incredibly relevant, and absolutely up to date. And if you combine that powerful language with shutting down the critical part that goes, "You could never do that. Who's going to want you you, you've got 4 kids and cellulite. If you shut that bit down and then add in exciting, you can have anything you want. But most people either don't understand about shutting the bit down or they don't understand the language. So without diminishing other therapists, I see a lot of people who say things like, now you might just want to think about being calm. It's like, what, WTF? That's not exciting. Or they say things like, "Today you're going to find it easier not to eat cake." And I'm like, come on, we can do way better than that. Excite the imagination. Tell people you love saying no to cake, it thrills you to pick an apple, it elates you to see the scales going down and your six-pack emerging because you are motivated and committed and compelled to say no to sugar. And if you understand the mind, it does what you tell you tell it. That's its job. And if you tell it better stuff, you have an amazing life. And if you tell it mediocre stuff, you have a mediocre life. Whenever anyone does anything wrong, we go, what's wrong with you? We should say, what happened to you? What happened to you? And they'll go, well, you know, my mom always said she didn't want a girl— boy, she wanted a girl. And I've been brought up— give an example. I had a city trader as a client who really had problems trading. And his boss said, you know, he's the best trader, but he's so nervous. And when I worked with him, he was saying that when he was a kid, his parents had two girls and then him. And he would smash his Tonka toys and they'd go, what's wrong with you? Look at your sisters just combing their dolls' hair and they're so good, and why are you so aggressive? And a 4-year-old can't go, well, because I have something called testosterone and they don't, and I'm designed to run and jump and hunt and fish and I got to learn what to do with aggression. Smashing my cars together is good for me. He didn't— a 4-year-old doesn't have anything because they live in the world of— yeah, they just live in a world of feeling, not logic. And he said, I never realized, just spent my whole life thinking something's wrong with me because my parents would say everything comes to— what's wrong with you? Look how neat this is, they don't get peas on the floor when they eat. And he said, I heard it every day. Until I formed a belief something's wrong with me. He didn't date women because he thought, well, I should be like one, but I want to be like a man. And that session totally turned him around. He said it was like someone had sprayed him with pheromones, 'cause he went out that night and women were attaching themselves to him like a magnet. But he just got rid of the feeling of something's wrong with me. 'Cause most people do walk around going, something's wrong with me, I'm just majorly messed up. And you can't heal.

No one understands me. No one gets me.

And I don't understand me. And if I don't understand me, how can you?

And why should I even be here?

Yeah, because you can't heal what you can't understand. And so all the treating the symptom is like putting a Band-Aid on an infection. I don't like wish. Wishing says to your mind, you haven't got a prayer, but you might as well wish. Because wishing just says, you're not gonna do that. Oh, I wish. No one says I wish I could get up in the morning and clean my teeth. I wish I could pick up that pencil and write a note. You don't say wish, you go, "I'm doing it." So when you say to the mind, "I wish I could," it says, "Yeah, me too, get over it." When you say to the mind, "I hope, I hope I get this right," it goes, "Yeah, well, keep hoping 'cause you're not gonna do that." When you go, "If only," your mind goes, "Well, you never managed it before, so keep on with the if only, why don't you?" She said people have a story, you know, I can't find love because my dad left when I was 1. I can't find love because my mum preferred my brother. I can't be a success because I never went to university. I can't speak in public because I blush. Without understanding, when you describe why you can't, you keep it going. If you keep talking about the symptom, your mind keeps it alive because whatever you focus on, you get more of. And so a lot of people have language that's completely irrelevant, like, "Yes, I know your dad left when you was one. I know your mother put you up into foster care and didn't love you, but that's then, this is now." And so they have outdated stories, outdated language. "I can't do that because," the classic one I hear all the time, "Oh my God, my boyfriend just 'ripped out my heart, stamped all over it, killed me, and if I find love again, it will kill me.' I'm like, darling, he got bored, and you would have got bored too if you'd stuck around. And that was your starter relationship. Go and find a better one with someone amazing. Everything he loved in you, he didn't take it home with him. It's still there. So don't use that irrelevant 'I found love and it killed me when it ended.' So I found love, the wrong person, but I'm going I'm going to find it again with the right person. It's going to be amazing and compelling. He's going to fall in love with my soul. We're going to be together forever. Because you've got to turn your mind on, and it loves exciting words, dramatic words. Really loves words that make a picture. So if I said to you, you can be the most phenomenal, powerful, awesome, incredible speaker. 'When you speak on stage, everyone stops to listen. You could hear a pin drop. They look at you. They hear what you're saying. They like you.' The mind goes, 'Oh, I like this. I know where I'm going here.' But when you go, 'I'm not bad at speaking. Sometimes I'm quite good. Occasionally I really get it right,' the mind goes, 'What are you talking about? That's not dramatic enough for me.' And all psychiatrists will tell you that if you want to be sorted out, here's the something you must do, express your hurt as close to the event that hurt you happening as possible. You can't say to your dad, you know, 20 years ago I asked for a bike and you got me a skateboard. I didn't want that. What? I worked nights to buy you that bike. You can't get any resolution after 10 years or 20 years. But when you can say to your friend, look, I love you, you're my friend, but it really hurt me when you didn't even turn up to my wedding. 'So I had to pay for all of that and you didn't call and it hurt me. I still love you but you hurt my feelings.' Then it's gone. But when you keep it in, it doesn't— when you say to them, 'You make me feel so angry.' 'Well, you make me feel angry. I didn't come to your wedding because your guest list, that was extortion, they're asking for all this stuff. I mean, I'm not Bank of America and I didn't want to buy that stuff.' But you can't get resolution. But when you say, 'I was hurt when,' I felt hurt by— and you can say it to a wall, you can say it to a force, you can say it to a mirror.

You can write it down.

It's not for the other person. It's good to say it because it's out then, and then it goes away. It's the most wonderful thing. It goes away. And one of the rules of the mind, and it's the best rule, is that every thought you think and every word you say forms a blueprint, and your mind must work to make that blueprint real. So when you say, "I can't remember anything. I'd lose the eyes in the back of my head if they weren't fixed in there 'cause I just can't remember anything." Your mind goes, "That's a blueprint. Let me take you to it." And when you say, "My memory is phenomenal, foolproof. In fact, I'm like human Google. When I read an exam, the minute I read the question, question, my mind has already gone to work, found the answer, and I— it stays in my head right through until I write it on the paper. Then I read the next question, the same thing happens. As I read the question, Google says, here's the answer. I work with children all the time with exam stress, and they come in. I was a little boy last year who had, um, I think there were 17 children applied for every place in his school, and he flunked the mocks. And I'm like, "Darling, you're supposed to flunk the mocks. It's great to flunk the mocks." You know what mocks are, don't you? Oh, so in England, when you're taking an exam, you have a mock exam maybe 6 weeks before you take the exam just to see how you do. And then they say, "Well, you did terribly. You did really well." And 'cause you did really well, you're gonna pass that exam. And 'cause you did terribly, you're gonna fail. In fact, the ones who do well in the mocks get so complacent, they often don't do so well in the actual exam. And the ones who do badly think, "Wow, I need to up my game. I need to revise more and study more." So when he came in and said, "My mommy was so upset because I got really bad marks in the mocks," I went, "That's fantastic. What were you worse on?" He said, "The writing." "What did you do?" He said, "I didn't read the instructions." correctly and I didn't use the right words. I went, that's fantastic. So what did you need to do? And just by changing his language, I didn't use the right words, and explaining to him that he could do it and telling him that his mind was like Google. Then I was asking him some questions about Harry Potter and I said, how do you know these answers? Have you studied Harry Potter? He went, no, I just really like it. I said, well, see how clever your mind is? Mind is. So when you're working with a kid that says, "I don't know," ask them about James Bond. Ask them about something that they like and go, "How do you know this?" They go, "I don't know." "How do you know? Wow, you're so smart." Because when they like something, they remember. And part of school is liking something. So with this little kid, he got into that school. I knew he'd get in because he came in like that. And he left like that. He was like, "I'm gonna nail this. I know what to do. My mind is like Google." And I will say to all my clients, whether they're a 7-year-old taking exam or someone taking a medical exam or the bar, I say, "Whatever you're reading, your focus narrows down. You say the word narrow down, and when you say narrow down, everything fades away. You're absorbed in that page." paper, you have phenomenal powers of concentration, comprehension, recall, retention, and assimilation. And I say words that help you do the next one. Comprehension, compretension, retention, recall, assimilation. I say it over and over again because the mind believes what you tell it. There's certain rules of your mind that I like to operate from, and one is the mind learns comes by repetition. So nobody would go to the gym and go, "I've done 500 sit-ups, I should have a six-pack now." You know you've got to go back and do them again and do them again. Once you get that six-pack, you can keep it with a little less repetition. And so it is with how we dialogue with ourselves. You know, my passion is to get schools to teach children to dialogue with themselves better. So repetition is very important. but it's not quite enough. You know, if you were a chronic alcoholic and said, "Right, I'm going to say every day, 'I don't drink, I don't drink, I don't drink,'" that probably won't work. First of all, the mind doesn't know what "don't" is. When you say, "I don't drink," it's like saying, "I'm not thinking about chocolate." You have to think about the word that's most descriptive in the sentence. It's like saying, "Don't think of an orange snowman." Now you've got to think of an orange snowman, even if you've never seen one in your life. the combination of repetition, powerful words can be more than enough. I mean, somebody wrote to me and said, "My kid was lying on the floor hysterical about her exams and I played one of your audios and she got up and she said, 'I'm going to ace this,' and she went and she did ace it. And I could tell even by the set of her chin that she knew." But for many people, they need more. They need you to go back and unpick their story. Why do you do what you you do, what happened to you, why are you an alcoholic. In understanding why, for most people, that's their aha moment. They go, oh my God, I never knew it. That's why I do that. Oh. And then you add in, and now you know you never have to do it again. Always have a choice. Your mind talks to your body all the time. That's its job. And your job is to tell your mind what you want. I want perfect health. I don't do illness, I do wellness. Everything I do is perfect. You know, I was at a conference recently, someone ran up, "Oh my God, I'm so glad I listened to your audio because you know I have 4 hours of sleep and I tell my mind I'm having 8." And I thought, "God, I should do that. I'm teaching people this. I forgot I can do that too. Tell my mind I've had 8 hours sleep. Tell my mind I feel amazing. Tell my mind when I'm working out my body loves it." I love this. My muscles love this. I can do a bit more rather than go, oh, it all aches and I hate doing this and I could be at home watching TV. So just to be very clear, your mind's job is to do what you tell it and your job should you choose to accept is to tell it great things, amazing things. I'm not aging, I'm saging. I'm embodying wellness. I have perfect balance. You can choose. Not only does the mind tell the body what to do, it also interrupts the signals coming back from the body. I've got this crippling, thumping headache can become, well, I've got a little niggle in my head, but I'm really too busy to notice it. I'm in agony. No, you've just had a little shot. That's not agony. This commute is hell. No, hell is not having a car or any gas and looking at people or taking 3 buses to do your commute, being in this store is torture. No. When you go to Africa and you see they don't have any stores and the ones they do have no food in them, you'll never again stand in Ralph's and go, this is a nightmare, it's hell grocery shopping. If you have money in your wallet to buy food for people that love you, that is so far beyond hell. But people use these words, it's killing me, it's a disaster, it's a nightmare. We have a great fear of rejection, which is not surprising. Surprising, because when we're born, we have two drivers: find connection, avoid rejection. After all, if a mother rejects a child, if a lion rejects the cub, it's not going to be adopted. It will die. Yeah, or it just starves to death. And so we know innately that our survival on the planet is linked to not being rejected. And not that long ago, you would have died from rejection, you know, in, in a thousand years ago when they banished you outside the walls of the city, or you marooned a difficult sailor, or you cast someone out of the community, you pretty much died. There was nothing out there but purgatory. So we have a wiring that says rejection will kill me, and that's why you had the fear. But when you can dialogue with the other girl, no, it feels like it will kill me, it can't kill me because no girl can reject me unless I give her my permission. Permission.

Right, give them my power.

You can't reject me unless I agree with everything. I don't like you because you've got short hair. I don't like your shirt. I don't like you because you're white, not white at all, short glasses, not— But when you say you can't reject me, I'm— I can't be rejected because the only person you can reject me is me. You can talk to girls realizing even if they say no, you're not my type, I'm with someone, no thanks, or even ooh, No, they can only reject you if you let that in. And we look at someone like James Corden, who's certainly not gorgeous, but women love him because he's funny. So funny. And you know, we like warm people. You know, the packaging is all very nice. Well, as we'll have a great packaging, a great wrapper, and it'll— but they're unhappy. And so our greatest fear is to be rejected, but the The truth is, in 2018, you could live in this apartment, have Amazon deliver your groceries, never see a soul, and you probably live until you're 106. Yeah. Wouldn't advise it, but we don't die of rejection anymore, but we still feel like we will. And all schools should be teaching kids, you cannot be rejected. You can ask for a pay rise, you can ask for crowdfunding, you can go to someone and go, here's my idea, you can write a book, book, Speak in Public, because I work with a lot of actors who say, I'm so scared of rejection. I'm like, well, how are you going to be an actor then? Because you're supposed to be rejected all the time. So why don't you and I write books for everyone who loves it? There's going to be the odd person who goes, I hate this book, and I hate that writer too. But we don't let it in. We have to laugh about it. When you give a YouTube talk, I mean, I've got one of my talks got like 3 million views, and there's a few in there going, I hate her, stuck stuck-up English snob, but they don't know me because that's not me at all. But I don't go, oh my God, I can never write another book. I can— I'm okay because I don't let it in, because the only opinion that matters is my opinion. I know I'm not a stuck-up English snob, so that can't hurt me. You Are Enough is a movement that I started because, you know, 33 years of being a therapist, I might work with a movie star, an Olympic athlete, or someone who's a school teacher, and they all have the same problem. And the problem is almost always, I'm not enough. I mean, I've worked with so many addicts, thousands of addicts. I've never met one who ever thought they're enough. They'll say, you know, I drink because I'm not enough, I use because I'm not enough, I am addicted to spending because I'm not enough. And what I see many therapists doing is the client comes in with a list, like what I call a shopping I need to stop drinking, I need to get out of bed, I need to stop shouting at my kids, I need to take care of myself. And they like to go through the list, it takes a long time. I go, forget the list, let's look at what I call what lies beneath. You know your problem? You don't think you're enough. Where does that— do you know any baby who's ever been born and goes, I shouldn't cry because I don't deserve attention here, I shouldn't throw up on this this white top my mum just bleached. No baby is ever born believing they're not enough. And so again, we look at where does this come from, this belief you're not enough. Who told you that? Where did you get that? And when they go, oh yes, it came from here, it's a game changer because they start to tell them, I'm enough. People say, but if I'm enough, don't I just lie on the couch and eat potato chips all day. No. When you know you're enough, then you go, right, I need a better relationship than this, a better career than this, a better health than this. In powerful language, you can never say, you're gonna fall, you're gonna mess that up, you're gonna ruin everything, that's just not going to work out. You have to say the opposite. Okay, I've only got 10 minutes to prepare my speech, I only need 10 minutes. I've only got 10 minutes to get there. That's exactly how much time I need. And if I'm late, I wasn't supposed to be there on time. I have a belief now when I get to a party late, it's because it wasn't— I wasn't meant to get there early. I no longer go, "Oh my God, I'm so late. This is going to be terrible." In fact, I was recently going in a cab across town to get a train to work with a football team, and we got stuck in traffic. In traffic. And so I was playing a game. I thought, "Oh my God, I'm going to miss the train. This is terrible. I'm going to ruin my reputation. The team are going to be so upset." And I felt really sick. And then I started to say, "The trains run every 20 minutes. It doesn't matter. What's 20 minutes? My material's so great. They have lots of time after they finish practicing at 3 o'clock." and it was fine. So all the way there I was playing a game and I actually got the train on time, but they really wouldn't have minded. But I could have ruined my day, made myself panicky and sweaty by going, "Oh my God, I haven't got enough time and now it's all ruined." And it's never ruined. You can come back from anything. And then I worked with a client who had cancer and had to go into this MRI scanner and every time I saw her, I can't, I can't do it. I can't get in that scanner. And I wonder, he said, well, I feel like I'm in my coffin. I feel like it's a premonition of my death. And I get in the scanner, I think, well, I've got cancer and I'm gonna die. And I said, well, I freak out. I press the button, I have to come out. And they keep saying, look, you've got to, I can't, I can't even be in there for 2 seconds, which is not true. And when people say, I can't do it for even a second, he probably was in there for a few minutes. After a few minutes, I said, "Look, the words you say to yourself in that scanner, 'This is a premonition of my death. I feel like I'm in a coffin. I feel like I'm suffocating and I can't do it,' that's a blueprint. And your mind doesn't like those words. So how about these words? How about saying, 'I'm in my bed at home and I'm just so chilled and I could lie here for hours I'm chilled, I'm relaxed, I'm blissed out. You must use words that make a picture. You can't go, "Oh, I'm okay really. I'm quite good. I'm not bad. This is okay." 'Cause when I say the words okay, not bad, where's the picture? There's no picture. It's what I call fluff. When you say I'm chilled, I'm blissed out, I'm ecstatic, I'm just lying here and I could I could do this for hours. It's just so cool. The mind goes, you're right. And when you go, I'm in a coffin and I'm suffocating, the mind goes, you're right. See, here's the great thing. You can choose any words you like. You can go, well, we're all going to be negative and this half's going to be positive. That's your choice. You know what you can't choose? What you do to yourself when you say I'm an idiot, I'm a moron. I'm a retard. I've got rocks for brains. Everything goes wrong. Who would ever like me? I've got cellulite. I'm a single parent. I've got no chance. Blah, blah, blah. I didn't go to college, so I couldn't possibly do what you do. I got kicked out of college, by the way, so you can definitely do what I do. And it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I can look at my life and say being fired, being dumped, and being kicked out out of college. Thank you, God, for putting that up to me because it changed my life. It was the best thing. Rejection has been one of the best things that ever happened to me. Being the least favorite kid, if I could have my life again, I'd go back and be the least favorite kid because I thought, I'm going to show my parents that I'm something. And if I was the favorite, I wouldn't have done that. I would have had a totally different life. Praise is Praise is unfamiliar, but criticism is familiar. And you say to someone like Robin Williams, oh my God, that last show was funny. He goes, didn't you notice? I left out the best, I fluffed a word. It wasn't as good as the one before. So if you're not used to praise, you'll reject it. And if you're used to criticism, you'll add it in. Because we do what's familiar. So if we say to someone, I love your book, they go, oh, actually, it's not that good. The other one is much, "I love your top." "Oh, I got it in a car boot sale. It's 5 years old, got a hole in it." So if we haven't got praise, we actually reject it. And you just have to say to yourself, "I'm going to make this familiar. I'm going to praise myself every day. It might feel weird, but I'll keep doing it." It's a bit like running. You know, running isn't familiar, especially around Beverly Hills, but if you put your shoes on and go for a run on concrete, eventually it becomes familiar, and then you like it. Like it. I mean, sticking a lens in your eye, that's the weirdest thing.

Very unfamiliar.

The first few times, oh my God, I'm covering up my eye like that. And then after a while you can do it almost without thinking because you get used to it. You can make anything familiar or unfamiliar. Your beliefs affect your biology. Your beliefs certainly affect your biochemistry. I've had women of 58 say, could you make me pregnant? I go, I know, it's too late. Why did you wait 30 years, but the mind will follow your instructions and it's very important to give yourself the right instructions. Of course there are limits. You can't tell yourself you're going to be an astronaut. And when people say to me, I want to be a millionaire, right, what are you going to do to be a millionaire? You can't go, I'm going to sit at home. And that's the problem with the secret, attract millions to you. What are you going to do for these millions? I want to have a six-pack. You do need to go to the gym. I want to have great health. Well, stop eating pizza and eat better food. But once you get the mind to want it, it's actually easy. But when people say to me, "I want to be a millionaire," then we tell them, "Well, any goal of significance requires you to learn something new." But then they have a fear of learning. And of course you're right that when people come in and go, "I want this," you have to look at the blocks. The number one block is the fear of rejection. If I make it, I might get rejected. If I find love, they might leave. If I make all that money, people won't like me anymore. So you've got to smash out of the ballpark the fear of rejection. You've got to smash out the second belief that says it's all easy. I remember Luther Vandross saying, you know, people say I'm an overnight success. I sang jingles for KFC for 12 years. It was a long overnight. So you do have to also have that desire. I mean, for me, you know, I speak in public, I write books, always aware that somebody's going to go, "I hate your book, I don't like it." I'm like, "Oh, that's okay." They can't reject me, they might reject my book. Most people happen to love them. But to get anywhere in life, you have to get over the fear of rejection because people think they're going to die from from rejection, but they really don't. Every day you get to choose how to speak to yourself. But you know what you don't get to choose? What you do to your body when you say, "I'm an idiot. I knew I'd mess that up. I knew that relationship wouldn't work. I've been waiting for it to go wrong. In fact, the day we got married, I stuck stickers on all my stuff so that when we got divorced, there'd be no confusion." I was already planning the miscarriage. I didn't buy anything for my baby. I mean, who does that? Lots of people apparently. They're all my clients and they plan for stuff to go wrong. They say, I sent my kid to college and I said, don't worry, you're probably gonna hate it. Here's a credit card so you can get a return ticket back in a week's time. They plan it. And you don't want to plan it. You want to ban it. If someone just comes in and goes, "I hate that shirt," or "That colour is so not you," or "You should never have cut your hair," or "Whoa, you've got a bit heavy," you just go, "Thanks for sharing that." Just a really simple thing which says, "Thank you for sharing your opinion, which I can choose to not let in." You don't have to do anything else. When the minute you go, "Your shirt's pretty awful," or "Look at your hair," or "Calling me heavy," you look You look kind of wrecked that you've let it in, and now you're trying to retaliate. And it's like a game of tennis. If you put down your racket and walk off the court, you can't volley. So the first thing to say is, thanks for sharing that. And it's very good for the little barbs we get from people, family, friends, sisters, cousins, exes.

Right.

If someone is really mean and says, you know, I listen 'Listen to your talk on YouTube. Oh my God, you stank up the place. I was embarrassed for you.' Then you go back and you say, 'I missed that. Could you repeat that for me slowly?' They will usually not bother because they know that in you asking them to repeat it slowly, you're going to call them out on it. And they usually go, 'Oh, me and my big mouth. I'm just having a bad— I didn't actually really watch it anyway. Just ignore me.' And if they do, you must not go after them. And go, no, I want you to repeat it right now, say it to my face. Don't do that, because a bit like a lion who bares the teeth, they're saying back off and I don't want to attack you. When a lion bares its teeth, you don't go up to it, you walk away. It gives you a chance to retract. So saying, could you repeat that slowly, is giving the person a chance to retract. They almost always do, but occasionally they'll come back and go, no, I just said you're so wooden as a speaker, as an insult to wood. People come in and they describe, you know, I really want to be successful, but I'd love to be healthier, but I want to find love, but I can't get pregnant because— and the first thing we do is investigate like a good detective. A detective will lay out pictures and go, what's going on here? And they make sense of it. And very much the same, so people come to me again, I've got 'unexplained infertility.' What is that? I went, well, there's a clue in the description. It is unexplained. Nobody knows. Your husband's got crack sperm that swims straight and plenty of it. You've got great eggs, great fallopian tubes, perfect womb, but you can't get pregnant because the unexplained is here. And many people when they're younger will say this, if I got pregnant, my dad would kill me. Oh my God, if I got pregnant with the end of the world. And I remember when I was 17 thinking I was pregnant, oh my God, no, disaster. Oh my God, my dad will be so upset, devastated. When I wasn't, I went, oh, thank you, God. Oh yes, joy. But you see, the mind listens to everything you say. The mind is always switched on and it records everything and it never forgets. So in a moment of absolute terror, terror or fear or pain or anxiety, there's something called an imprint. It goes in. So a child whose mother says, "That cat will scratch you and give you blood poisoning," or, "That dog's going to bite you," or, "That's a dangerous person," or— I worked with a little kid who had a terrible fear of monsters under the bed. Turned out his dad used to always say, "You'll get run over if you do that. You'll kill yourself if you do that. You'll drown if you do that." Turned out his dad was the monster because he was scaring him all the time. So you get a young person, can be an adult, and you get an imprint. And what we do is investigate where did this imprint happen. And when we've got the imprint, which is very easy, you can ask questions and get the imprint, you can listen to the client's story. The one who said, "My mum used to cry when I brought up food and so happy when I ate." Or you can use hypnosis and go back like that. And the reason I love hypnosis so much is you go to the imprint. You know, people come to see me, within 5 minutes they have the imprint. There's no, "Oh, how does that make you feel?" and "How do you feel now?" and "Let's talk more about that and come back next Wednesday at 4:00 and we'll keep this going," because studies now say that's actually the worst thing you can do. Because you just keep the story alive. So we do the investigating, we find the imprint, and then we interpret it. What does that mean? Why do you think, you know, your dad telling all these stories would now leave you to have this monster under your bed? Why do you think at 15 being terrified of being pregnant could possibly mean that today you've got unexplainable dreams? And they work it out. They go, 'Yeah, now you say that, if I look at those scenes and look at this scene, it all makes sense.' And then you interrupt the belief massively and then you install a brand new belief. You know, you're getting pregnant like a high school kid on their first date. You're super fertile. You've got crack grade A eggs. Your husband's got the SAS of sperm and it's gonna collide. So you bring in the very powerful language 'You are going to make a grade-A baby,' because of course people say, 'I want to be pregnant.' I'm like, 'No, you don't. You want to make a baby that you carry to full term.' I have clients who say, 'I've been pregnant 8 times.' You want a perfect, bouncing, healthy baby. So it's another example of not telling your mind what you want. So the combination of the imprint, the investigate, the interpret, the interrupt, and the install is so powerfully transformational. We tell ourselves the story, we play the only part we've ever known, and then that part becomes our own, and we don't know how to separate it. And so, people come in with their story, and they go, "Well, you know, I was a newborn baby, and my mom told me that I was only like 2 pounds. I nearly died. They had to drop milk in me with a dropper, and I remember my mom telling me she used to cry every time I got wet." weighed or if she fed me when I threw up, they would get so upset because I could die. Like, okay, and now you're 600 pounds because you keep telling yourself that story. And people tell themselves the story until it validates why, you know, my dad didn't love me, he left before I was born, he never came to see me. But he had another kid that you treat like Jesus, bought him everything, Game Boys, clothes. So if my dad didn't love me, I'm not lovable. And you have to go, but that was then. Your dad was an idiot. That has nothing to do with whether you can find love or not. But clients tell themselves this story, and they don't understand that at any age you can go, well, I, I think it's time for a new story. And so my job is to first of all find out where, where, you know, they come and go, I don't know why I do this. I guess I'm just messed up. I don't know why I can't speak. I've always been that way. No, no baby looks away when you look at them in the hospital. No baby goes, don't look at me, I'm having a bad hair day. We're all born with so much confidence. You have 4 children, they never go, no, I can't get a banana in my mouth. I, I can't get to grips with this walking, reaching. They're, they're wired to go for something. But a lot of damage is done very early, and, and I see that all the time. Really silly things like people come in and go, you know, I can't ask for And then RTT has what I call interruptions, where after they've gone back, they have to then say, "But that's not me because," and "That can't be me because," and "That won't be me ever again." And what that does is it starts to change the neurons. It's actually called neuroplasticity. It starts to change the way the brain is wired. Here's my advice to you. Expect amazing things then. If what is expected tends to be realized, expect amazing things. Expect the best. Expect love and success and an amazing life, because you know what? It will probably be realized really fast if you expect it.

Because you made it this far in the video, I want to celebrate you. Most people start and don't finish. Most people never actually follow through. Most people say they want something, but they don't ever do the work to actually get it. But you are different. You are special. Believe Nation, you made it here all the way to the end, and I love you. So as a special celebration, if you put a hashtag #believe down in the comments below on this video, I will showcase you and celebrate you somewhere on the screen in a future video because you are awesome. If you want another amazing Marissa Peer video, check it out right there next to me. I think you'll love it. Continue to believe, and I'll see you there.