How to Forgive Yourself and Move On | Real Strategies That Work (in 18 Minutes)

What's up, Believe Nation? It's Evan. My one word is believe, and I believe in you. I believe that you've got some insane potential inside you that I want to see burst out into the world to have a big impact for you, your family, your community, and everybody around you. So to help you on your journey today, I'm going to look at 7 ways to forgive yourself and stop feeling guilty. So one of the things that holds a lot of entrepreneurs back is they feel guilty. They made a mistake, they let somebody down, they feel guilty, they can't forgive themselves, and that prevents them from moving forward and doing other great things with their life, and them getting stuck in that moment. And so today I'm gonna share with you my 7 tips on how to forgive yourself and to keep yourself from feeling guilty. Tip number 1 is have an honest conversation. Chances are whatever mistake you made, there's somebody else involved. You're feeling guilty because you didn't just let yourself down, you're letting somebody else down. Maybe it was a customer, maybe it was a family member, maybe it was your spouse, maybe it was a friend. There's somebody else involved here and you feel guilty that you let them down, that you failed, that you weren't able to accomplish the thing that you set out to accomplish. And maybe you owe them money, or maybe, you know, you just really made a huge mistake with them. Having an honest conversation with them just to let them know how much it's impacting you, how much it's preventing you from moving forward with your life, how much you still think about it and how bad you feel about it. One of two things is going to happen. One, they're going to accept it. They're going to say, "Don't worry so much about that. You know, I understand it was a risk. It didn't work out. You tried your best. Don't worry so much about it." And they may feel bad that it's still weighing on you. And giving that permission to release it and don't worry about it anymore can be really helpful to the honest conversation, because a lot of times people don't realize how much it's actually weighing on you. Until you go up and actually have that conversation. The other scenario is it doesn't work out. The other scenario is like, they're still upset at you, they're still pissed that you did this thing to them and they can't forgive you for it. That's tough, that's difficult, especially when it's somebody close to you or somebody in your family or a really good friend. My own mindset around that kind of stuff is like, you did your best. You had the honest conversation, you apologized, you let them know that you really tried to make the situation right. You've done everything in your control. At that point, like, if people can't forgive, it becomes their problem. Like, it's on them. You release it, right? You feel bad that that happened, but you can't keep living in that past moment, and you can't let that prevent you from moving forward with another project. At some point, it's not your problem anymore, it's on them. As long as you feel like you did everything you could in the moment to solve that problem, and then afterwards to apologize, to try to fix it, you did your best, or you're working on it, right? As long as you feel like you tried your best, at some point it's their problem and you need to be able to release that from yourself. You cannot continue to judge yourself based off how somebody else perceives you. And I know that that can, that can weigh really negatively on you to know that somebody hates you or has these really negative feelings towards you, but you get to choose how you react to that. And for me, as long as I feel like I've really, really, really, really done my best, I can't please everybody. Some people will feel like they are let down, and at some point it's on them now. It's not on you anymore. So having honest conversations will help open all of that up for you. Tip number 2 is recognize that you're not alone. One of the things that really helped me in my first business was realizing that I'm not the first to try to go through this before. You know, I thought entrepreneurship was easy. I thought you have a great idea, you work hard, and things work out. That's what all the stories say. And I realized that, man, like, why am I sucking? Why is this so hard? Well, I'm putting in the effort. It's not for lack of effort. I'm grinding every single day. I'm not getting results. What's happening? And I was too afraid to tell people about it, too afraid to ask for help. I felt weak. I felt embarrassed. I felt ashamed that it wasn't working out. And so what helped me was just realizing that this is a lot of people's stories. By modeling success, if you look at whoever you look up to, whoever, whichever famous entrepreneur or celebrity or whoever it is that you look up to, look at their story, you'll see lots of these failures along the way. And the key thing that all these people did was they forgave themselves for those mistakes and they were allowed to move forward, right? As long as you're staying in the past with this thing that happened that didn't work out, then it prevents you from moving forward. And so just realizing, at least for me, that I was not alone, that this is a common issue, that Everybody fails, everybody makes mistakes, and to get back up and go and try again is what the most successful people do. And the people who don't make it are the ones that continue to live in the past and get weighed down by this huge boat anchor on top of them. Modeling that success and reading their stories really, really, really made a big difference for me. Tip number 3 is create an opposite environment. You are what you repeatedly do. You are the result of the people that you hang out with and the environment that's around you. If you are around people who always make you feel guilty, then guess what? You're always going to feel guilty. If you're around people who make you feel self-conscious, then you're always going to feel self-conscious. And so the way around it is, you know, you may need to eliminate some people from your life, or at least limit your exposure to them and their thinking. And that can be difficult, I know, if it's friends, close friends, and family members. But you can also supplement it and bring in goodness. Change your environment. Create an environment that is positive and uplifting for you. And so as an example, if you want to build confidence, it's not just about reading articles on how to be more confident, it's being around confident people. You know, watching Elon Musk do an interview, or Steve Jobs do an interview, or Snoop Dogg do an interview, you know, makes me more confident. Not because of what they're saying. You'll never see a "5 Steps to Be More Confident" by Elon Musk. But in watching how they respond to questions and how they carry themselves and how they act, it's just, you can't help it, but rub off on you. And so if you want to be more confident, be around confident people, you know, either in life that you actually face and say hi to and shake hands and hang out with, or online, or with books and other videos, right? Like, consume the content that is the opposite of what you're currently feeling. And so if you're feeling guilt and you're feeling shame and you're feeling really low self-value, then consume content on a consistent basis in your environment from whoever resonates the most with you. If it's on a spiritual side and it's the Dalai Lama, if it's more on the academic side and you really love Brené Brown, if you need somebody yelling at you and telling you to snap out of it and you go to Joe Rogan or Eric Thomas, right? Like, everybody's pointing at the same message, they just have different ways of doing it. Whichever one resonates the most with you, consuming that on a regular basis will make you feel that emotion, will help transfer that limiting belief and take it away from you. And so if you want to get over guilt and shame, then I would start consuming content in my environment on a regular basis where people are talking about removing guilt and shame and where people are not feeling guilt and shame about themselves, because you will start to pick those pieces and they'll start to inject themselves into your brain as well and into your actions. So change your environment. Tip number 4 is get started again. It's so incredible what momentum does to a human being. Right? When you feel like a little bit of momentum, you can start getting excited about something again. You take one step and then another step and another step, even though it's not these giant steps forward. Just the fact that you're doing something again can mean so much. And I see it all the time here at TDS where salsa students come in. A lot of times people come in— most people don't come in trying to become the world's greatest salsa dancer. They come in because they're lacking a human connection, or they broke up in a relationship, or, you know, they hate their their job and they want something fun to do, or it's on their bucket list of things to try. A lot of people come in a place where they feel like life is just kind of stuck, you know, like life doesn't suck, it may suck for some, but they just feel stuck. And they come here as something new to try, and by coming here and having a great experience, and they come back the next time, and the next time, and the next time, and you start to see people come in now, like all of a sudden they're smiling. All of a sudden they're standing up more straight, all of a sudden they have more confidence, right? All of a sudden they're more chatty, they're talking to people, they're making friends. It's amazing how much a little bit of momentum can do for you, for your self-esteem, for your mood, for your ability to move forward and do things. Where if you're feeling guilt and shame, you're just always living in that moment, right? You have to let go of that moment. And the easiest way to do it, for me at least, isn't just forget about it. I mean, it may work for some people. But for me, it's like start building small steps. Like, just, I want to live now in the present, and I want to move forward. I want to stop living in the past. And so do something that is exciting for you, whether it's starting the business, whether it's going out and hanging out with friends, whether it's joining the dance class, whether it's starting a YouTube channel. Like, whatever it is that can get a little bit of fire back into you, you start to see that have a ripple effect out on the rest of your life. You know, people who join these salsa classes who are stuck, and then now they have a little bit more confidence and a little bit more jump, a little bit more vibe, that ripples effect out, right? Like, now they're suddenly in a new relationship with somebody, now they're getting promoted at their job, and now things are happier at home, right? Like, that little bit of momentum can spark such a big change across your entire life that if you find something that you can get excited about, and it doesn't have to be the thing you do for the rest of your life, just one thing that you just start to build a little bit momentum. So now we're living in the present and moving forward instead of stuck in that past. Can make a huge, huge, huge, huge, huge difference to you not feeling guilty anymore. Tip number 5 is do the best you can. And whatever you're doing, if it's important to you, you want to make sure that you've done the best that you could. If you do your best and it doesn't work out, you can deal with the failure. Like, the failure will sting, it'll hurt, like you didn't get your goal, that sucks, but you can move forward, right? You can stop living in the past and go off to the next thing. But if you feel like you didn't give it your best, if you feel like you should have said a little bit more, you should have worked a little bit harder, you should have put in that extra day, you should have, should have, should have, should have, should have— as long as you're living in that world, it's really, really, really hard to forgive yourself. Those regrets will eat you alive for the rest of your life. And so there's something that you're really committed to, you want to feel like you put in your best. And I've tried to— after an experience, you know, when I was 18 where I regretted not doing something I've used that as my filter for all future decisions where I can deal with something not working out, but I can't deal with not knowing. So as an example, earlier this year I took my team to go see Tony Robbins in LA, and I didn't know if it'd be good or not. You know, I know Tony. I didn't expect it to suck, but I've consumed a lot of his content online, and I thought, I just want to know, you know. I didn't want to wait. Like, do you wait till next year? Do you wait till next year? Do you wait till 5 years have gone by? Like, if you keep waiting for something else to happen, then you never do anything. I could deal with spending the money and it not working out. Like, worst-case scenario is nobody got anything from it, it was a total waste of time, and we're back home, right? I could deal with that. Like, the worst-case scenario I could deal with. I couldn't deal with not knowing. And if I'm being honest, you know, the money that I spent, did it help? Did I get the ROI? I don't know. It wasn't zero. Was it the full value? I don't know. Maybe, but I'm okay with it because I know, right? Like, I found out, I know what it's all about, I know if we're gonna send somebody else there, I know what to expect. And so taking that approach in that whatever mistakes you made in the past, did you do your best? Maybe not in the moment, 'cause you can't fix that now, but did you do your best now, right? Back to the point number 1, honest conversations. Did you do your best to try to fix it? Did you try to do your best to solve the problems, to anybody else who is affected, that you do your best to help them. And at some point where you say, "Yes, I've done my best," then you have to let it go and move on. Or if you tried a project and it didn't work and you spent your life savings working on it, like, what can you do right now that is your absolute best? And if it doesn't work, the failure is okay. It's not great, but it's okay. You did your best. You're able to move on. And then try to take that approach for everything that you do. And so the next thing that you do, Back to the last point about building momentum, right? The next thing you're trying, the next thing you're doing, commit yourself to it. Do your best. The next time you're thinking about quitting something and you really want to do it, but you're thinking about quitting and you feel like you haven't done your best, you feel like there's still a little bit more gas in the tank, you can still go a couple more days, you can still push and prod at a couple other things, exhaust all opportunities to know that if it doesn't work out, at least you gave it your best. Because if you don't give it your best you're never gonna forgive yourself. Tip number 6 is project to 100. What I try to do in these kinds of situations is project my life out to 100 and think about if I continue to think this way, what's that collective experience gonna be for me? So if I can't forgive myself for what happened in the past and I feel guilty for what happened in the past and it's really impacting me right now, this feeling that I have right now is preventing me from doing anything. Right, it's like you're stuck. Imagine the next 5 decades of just still being here. How much that sucks. Like, do you wanna be stuck for the rest of your life because you made one mistake? And what I try to do is make the future pain so big that whatever immediate pain I have to solve the problem feels tiny. So having that honest conversation, maybe that's your next step, but that's scary, right? Like, you gotta go up and have an honest conversation with somebody. And talk about what happened, and that's gonna get your heart beating and you're nervous and you don't want to do that. But the alternative is you live the rest of your life with the guilt and the shame and the feeling like you can't forgive yourself. It's easy on a day-to-day basis to not feel that strongly, but if you try to accumulate that out to age 100, every single day feeling like the way you feel right now, I make that just so painful that then whatever immediate thing I have to do isn't as scary. It's like If your finger's hurting, it really hurts, and then somebody punches you in the arm, you don't feel the finger anymore because your arm hurts so much. That's what you do to yourself. I'll do that to myself to get me over whatever short-term, immediate pain or fear that I have. Then it will allow me to have that honest conversation. So project your life out to 100. The rest of your life you're going to be feeling like this. Do you want that to happen? No, so fix it, right? Hopefully it gives you enough of a drive. The more painful that experience is for you, the more you'll motivate yourself to actually make a change. Right now, which is what's important. And tip number 7 is be a model for your kids. And this is for the parents out there, but also for the future parents and future grandparents, thinking about what is the example you want to set for the next generation. Like, whatever you did, whatever big mistake that you made that you can't forgive yourself for, imagine if your kid did it. What message would you give them? Would you want them to live the rest of their life in this guilt and in the shame and unable to forgive themselves. What do you think they're gonna do if this is what you do? If this is how you react to making those mistakes, you live in guilt and shame and can't forgive yourself. No matter what you tell your kids, they're gonna model your behavior. They're gonna do the same thing that you did. And so until you can forgive yourself and get over that, then your kids won't be able to do it either. So no matter what you say to them, say it's okay, don't worry about it, forgive yourself. If they see you not able to forgive yourself, then they won't have the courage to do it too. And so this one hits home, particularly me, maybe because I have, you know, an 8-year-old son and I want to be a model for him. And, you know, parents make mistakes and there's a ton of guilt that happens, and you're always worried if you're doing the right thing or not. But any of the major things that I'm going through, I try to think about, like, what's the model I want to be for my son, and what's the model I want to be for my grandkids as they come through? Because no matter what I say, they're going to pay attention to what I do and how I act. And so if they see me being bold and courageous, then they will want to be bold and courageous. If they see me shrinking down and being afraid and worrying about judgments and fears and guilt, then they're gonna do the same thing. They're gonna feel like that's what they should be doing, right? We are a product of our environment. And so thinking about how you can be a presence in somebody else's environment— kids have the most, like, pull on the heartstrings, but it could also be your friends and the people around you— that you want to pull people up. You want to be a model. Of success. You want to be a model of how to do things the right way. And I find, at least for me, that helps pull me through to do the thing that sometimes I'm afraid of or I'm scared of, because if I was giving advice to my son on how to do it, I would tell him to do the right thing. And so I need to model that. I need to actually do the right thing instead of just talking about it. So those are my 7 suggestions on how to forgive yourself and overcome the feeling of guilt. I made this video because Mauricio asked me to. If there's a topic you'd like me to cover in a future 7 Ways video, Check out the link in the description, go to that video, and cast your vote in the comments. I'd love to know which of the 7 had the biggest impact on you, what change you're gonna make and immediately apply somehow to your life or business, and did I miss an 8, 9, 10 that you wanna add to the list? Please share your thoughts, leave in the comments below. I'm really looking forward to hearing what you have to say. I also wanna give a quick shout out to Tanya. Tanya, thank you so much for picking up a copy of my book, Your One Word, taking that awesome picture in your kitchen and posting it to your online accounts. I really, really, really appreciate the support, and I'm so glad that you enjoyed the book. Thank you guys again for watching. I believe in you. I hope you continue to believe in yourself and whatever your one word is. Much love. I'll see you soon. So let me give you the one word secret to happiness. One word. This is all you need to be happy. The most important word ever. If you had to think of one word that's most important to you, or that's that sums you up or that would be kind of like a little beacon? Hey, Believe Nation! If you want to know what the most important one word is for Tony Robbins, Gary Vaynerchuk, Oprah Winfrey, will.i.am, and Howard Schultz, I have a very special secret video for you. Check the description for details.