How to Stop Letting Anger Control You | Wayne Dyer’s Wisdom in 49 Minutes

The people closest to us can also cause the deepest pain. Argument, silence, and broken trust can leave scars that feel impossible to heal. But Dr. Wayne Dyer shows us a way to rise above the hurt, to see through the anger, and to restore love where it seems lost. His wisdom can turn even the hardest moments into opportunities for healing. And a special thanks to Hay House for partnering with us to release this video exclusively here on my YouTube channel. If you've been here before, drop a hashtag #believe in the comments below so I can feature you here in a future video. And if you're new, welcome to Believe Nation, the only channel that helps you believe in yourself daily, one video at a time.

Wayne, I said if I got through to this call, and it's so ironic that you were telling this wonderful story as you started today, that I'm gonna tell you this only because this is hurting my heart so much, and because of the love and the wisdom that you, you know, impart to us about relationships. But I just want to tell you this really quick and ask for your loving wisdom about it. Over the Thanksgiving holiday, at my daughter-in-law's house, my daughter and daughter-in-law had a dispute, and they had a shouting fight, and, um, it was very upsetting. My teenage granddaughters were there and felt very sad. And of course, you know, I'm praying for peace, you know, to happen.

Mm-hmm.

And in the meantime, my daughter, after everything, you know, we left, she was angry with me because she said that I didn't stick up for her. I wasn't in her corner, and I should have said, how dare she say those things to you. And I just kind of don't react that way. I'm more of like a peacemaker, right? I just want to see everyone be at peace. But if my daughter's telling me that this is hurting her so much, because I'm not responding that way. I'm wondering what would be the more loving thing to do, and because I'm emotionally a little upset right now, I can't seem to pull on that.

Well, the loving thing to do is exactly what you did do, which is to not take sides and to just be an instrument of peace and to try to have your daughter understand that, um, you know, that she doesn't need to have your approval or your support in order for her to feel good because, uh, or to feel better because— but basically what she's saying to you behind all of it is, Mom, if only you were different, uh, in that moment, then I wouldn't have to be so unhappy. And she needs to understand that her unhappiness didn't come from the fact that you didn't support her. Her unhappiness comes from, uh, from the fact that she allowed herself to get into a shouting match with her, uh, What, what is she, her sister-in-law?

Um, yeah.

So, um, you know, when you— if you start going in there and apologizing, all that, but basically what you're doing is teaching her that her emotional upsetness is the result of what you did or didn't do. And she needs to really know and understand that that's just, that's just not the way it is. I always think that, you know, like you take a situation like that and she's in the midst of a shouting match And then she gets all upset and there's a, you know, that you really are in the role that you're in there with her. You're really nothing more than just a reflection of what it is that she is, what she is sending out there. In other words, I always tell people, look, go stand in front of a mirror and look in front of the mirror and frown. And then ask yourself, in order to make that frown go away, on the person that I'm looking at in the mirror, do I go up to the reflection and try to make the mouth go up in order to make me feel better? Well, the fact is that, you know, you don't go to the mirror and look at the frown in the mirror because there's nothing there. It's just a reflection of who you are. Her anger towards you is just a reflection of something that she is doing to herself, and she really needs to know that you know, that your love for her has nothing to do with whether you agree or don't agree with the people in a shouting match, and that you had just as much love and care and concern for your son's wife as you do for your own daughter, and that it's not about choosing sides.

I mean, that's, that's the way I would look at it from a logical point of view.

Now, there's a lot of emotion that gets involved in family, and it's like, you're not supporting me, and you didn't do this, and that's the reason that I'm unhappy. But But that's no different than saying the reason that I see a frown in the mirror is because I can't get the reflection to be what I want it to be. When she starts realizing that you don't have— she shouldn't be giving you that kind of power, and you certainly don't want to have that kind of power. Now you've got to always watch out every time that she might be getting upset because of the way that you're reacting. And we need to always be responsible for how we're feeling ourselves and not putting it on anybody else. Even if it's your own mother or your own child and so on.

That's the way I see it.

Well, Wayne, I have to say thank you so much for this because I'm so emotionally upset because she felt as if she wanted to cut me off in a way, like she was saying, you know, I won't talk to you unless you do this. But I just kept praying and I said, wow, I can't believe that I got through to Wayne today because at least I can feel, you know, that when you give your advice like this, it's done through peace and love and and in a godly way so I can feel trusting of it.

And yeah, and she wants to make it even— and now she wants— this is, this is really a reflection of what your daughter needs to really look at. And she might want to— you might want to tell her to listen to this show because it'll air several times today and all week. And now what she wants to do is exacerbate it and make it even worse by then cutting off her, her communication with her own mother. Because you're not living up to what she thinks that you should be. It's that old thing that I've been saying for as long as I can remember being out in public eye. When people say, if only you were more like me, then I wouldn't have to be unhappy with right now. If only you were seeing the world the way I see it, then I could be, you know, I wouldn't have to be so depressed or so upset. So people go around putting their upsetness on the reactions, the reflections that other people have in their lives. And once you explain to her that I am just about, you know, I'm just about love, I'm just about peace, and it's not about choosing sides. This isn't a war that we're involved here. This is just an opportunity for all of us to live together in harmony and peace and kindness and joy rather than in these other ways.

Thank you so much for that wink. That's exactly how I feel. That's how wars are started. They start in little ways and then they—

Absolutely, absolutely. As a matter of fact, I think that your daughter needs to to whatever unhappy words were spoken between the two of them, the best thing that your daughter could do would be to send some flowers or something to her sister-in-law and tell her that, you know, that I have a loving heart and I slipped back and, you know, I apologize for it. That's the best way to Yeah, she could, she could end all of that very, very quickly.

Very quickly. That's right.

Yeah, she could end it all very quickly by just sending love to everyone because whatever the problem is, you know, the solution is always in having a loving heart.

I have been practicing the power of intention, power of focus and belief in creating your life by that. And I keep getting roadblocks that when when it seems like everything's flowing and it's happening and I feel like, you know, wow, it's, you know, I'm really on track, it's flowing, then all of a sudden I get these big roadblocks where there's nothing I can do to make it continue to go forward and it just ends.

You've got to give me an example. What do you mean?

Real quickly.

It's happened through— in all areas of my life, it happens through It's happened in relationships. It's happened in a business opportunity.

What would be an obstacle that you just can't overcome? What would that be? I'm trying to think of what that might be.

For instance, with the business partnership, everything was flowing and then all of a sudden we were getting into contract negotiations and then there was all of a sudden miscommunication that seemed to be happening.

Hold it right there. You get into these business kind of things. These obstacles present, miscommunications occur, and you think that— and that means what to you when that happens? That what you want to create isn't happening?

Yeah, I'm getting now discouraged that all this stuff that I've been studying and trying to live my life by doesn't really work because it's not been working for me. In the past 3 years, I've had 3 years of this happening consistently. Everything just seems to blow up right after it's flowing and then it just stops and it blows up.

Does it ever occur to you that you are attracting exactly what it is that you are putting out there? That this is not the universe doing that, that this is you doing that? I mean, I'm not asking you to blame. I'm just saying it's what keeps showing up in your life. So the independent variable here is you. It keeps showing up. You keep maybe anticipating it, expecting it, not believing you're worthy of it, thinking that this is the way things always they're going to go for you, whatever it might be. And there's almost like an anticipation that we're going to get close to the edge, but we're never going to be able to jump in and really make this happen.

Well, I'm only getting to that point right now after my third year and the final straws.

Yeah, but I mean, as these things have happened in the past, have you processed them in such a way that you say, you know, I needed to go through that? Like when you go through a divorce or when you go through a— you know, a bankruptcy or when you lose a job or when there's an accident or whatever, most people start, you know, telling themselves, this is awful, this shouldn't have happened, this is— but if you're at the place that I'm speaking to you from, from the power of intention, you would be saying to yourself, of course, this is what I needed to go through, that there's no mistakes in the universe, that my plan doesn't work, God's plan does, I'm going to listen to that one. I'm not going to judge it. I'm not going to tell myself that it should be something different. And then you begin to attract an energy that says there's no obstacle that could possibly show up as this thing unfolds that could prevent the best outcome for me. There's nothing that could prevent the best outcome for me. I may not know what that best outcome is, but it's on its way and I expect it to continue. And you create that kind of a mindset. All I can say to you, Brandy, is that it works for me. I just don't anticipate things not working out. I have some things even right now in my own life that haven't worked out exactly the way that I wanted them to work out. And I know that there's a greater plan at work here. And it's like, so it's like I get to a place where I just suspend that and I get into that thing that I was talking about at the beginning of the show where I just, I allow myself to be in a state of waiting and in a state of anticipation and a state of joy of not trying to push the river and not trying to make something bigger happen and not tell myself that something terrible has happened in the way of an obstacle. Then the obstacles disappear, and then you, you get past that and you realize, yeah, so this is why, this is exactly why. I mean, 5 years ago I was in a just a miserable state in relationship and what's going on and so on, and I thought perhaps that I could never be happy again. And today I'm deliriously happy, and I look back on what happened 5 years ago and I understand exactly what was going on and why it had to go on. And I'm in a better relationship with everybody, including the person from 5 years ago, and now and everything. And at the time I just wasn't able to see the bigger picture. And that's what I'm asking you to look at. Look at the bigger picture. Don't give up. The source that created you is what's behind all of this. Be completely at peace with that. And whatever you want or are looking for, anticipate that it's coming rather than that something's going to blow it up. That's my advice.

Oh man, I hope that something does happen.

What about this relationship thing? What happens that you said something with relationship? Well, you know, you've—

I felt like I met that right person and that we were brought together at the right time and the right place. And then all of a sudden, the relationship seemed to change. He seemed to change, and it turned into this wonderful, beautiful relationship to a verbally abusive one that I just could not, you know, have in my life.

Yeah, and you can't see the greatness in that and the joy in that and what you were taught there and so on.

I mean, I don't, I can't see the greatness of why, you know, it, every, each relationship seems to, you think it's right and it just seems to not be.

Yeah, except that, you know, when you are in what you think is a beautiful relationship and then it turns out that somebody becomes verbally abusive, it's like it teaches you so much about entering into those kind of relationships in the future, meaning attracting those kinds of people. And before long, you won't even be— those kind of people won't even allow them to show up in your life. You know, it's like as soon as that kind of— that the first little hint of verbal abuse that just starts to show up, the first little hint of disrespect or physical abuse or any of the— the first little hint of it, you are so now in touch with who you are and what you anticipate and what you are worthy of and what you're going to have in your life. And you have such a strong knowing about that that you just very gently just move on and say, well, thank you, God. Thank you for letting me see this here right now in this moment. And off you go. And you don't have to go through this long period of suffering that you go through now. It's all part of a great learning process, and, and the right person's on its way. You just have to open up a door and allow that person in.

I have an interesting question. I, I hope you think it's interesting. I've been with a man now for about a year, and I'd been single for several years before that. After, you know, another relationship. It's about sex, this question. The previous relationship, I enjoyed a great sex life. And by the way, I'm just about to turn 60.

60?

60, yes.

60, and you're still having sex? My goodness.

Well, I'm trying to. I have a great guy who's 61, has like almost my whole checklist, other than the fact that I'm really not that physically attracted to him. And I made a decision decision about a year ago when he showed up again. We'd had a brief kind of interlude before and kind of broke it off because of that. And then I made a decision that, you know, this is such a good guy, I'm going to really give this a shot. So we've been together for a year and it hasn't improved much. So I'm wondering what you think about that. Is this a good thing to stick with, or what should I do?

Uh, it's a good question. The, uh, what is it that, uh, that determines whether you're, uh, sexually or physically attracted to somebody else? What kind of criteria is it? It's like, but I don't even want to give you suggestions of what—

I think it's physical, just a chemistry thing. Pardon me?

Is it a chemistry thing? It's just chemistry? It's just you?

I think we've got good chemistry. I think it's I'm not attracted to his body.

Uh-huh. Because it's too tall, too short, too fat, too hairy, too old, too young, too—

Too short and too fat.

Okay. If it weren't fat and it were— would there— I mean, are you still having sex with him?

Occasionally, yeah. The other thing, the reason we've been able to even hang on this long is because he had a problem. He had something called Peyronie's disease. I know if people know what that is, it means curvature of the penis, which made intercourse quite difficult, and it actually hurt. Anyway, he went and had that operated on, fixed, and so I don't have that excuse anymore.

But everything else about this person is something— I mean, he meets all of the other criteria on the checklist except for— yeah, kind to you, loving.

Yes.

Thoughtful, respectful.

Yes.

Cares about you, thinks about you.

Yeah, perfect. I mean, just great.

Well, I can just tell you my advice. I mean, I, you know, we don't have time to go into all the details, but if this is someone who meets all of those criteria, why would you make, you know, this act of sex the most important thing or something that you would send this person out of your life for? Can you— I mean, is he willing to be in a relationship with you that is one that is basically non-sexual but full of love and kindness and joy and peace?

Well, he has been so far. I'm not about to throw him out. I'm actually kind of— I'm okay with it, but he's missing it. So I would like— I would like to know how I can get more attracted to him. So that we could have a great sex life.

Yeah, I think it's the best way to get more attracted to him is to stop seeing him as his body and to see him for who he really is, which is, um, you know, this is a short, uh, maybe, uh, heavyset man who, uh, uh, who has a soul and is— then those other things are just disguises. And to begin to look past, you know, what physical things— I mean, it's one of the things that, that we do all the time in our society is we make other people, uh, what they look like, how, what their stature is, what they are physically, and at the expense of all of the important ingredients of the God realization within that human being. See the unfolding of God in this man whenever you are with him, and the physical part will begin to take care of itself.

You think so? I mean, that's the reason that I made the decision like a year ago to give it another shot.

Yeah, that's what I would do. I would always, every time I looked into his eyes, I would stop seeing this body that he's in and instead see this beautiful soul. He is a soul with a body, not a body with a soul.

So my brother sent me, just before we get to take calls, I just want to read this. Uh, he sent me something that he was writing. My brother's a veteran and he was in Vietnam. One day a teacher asked her students to list the names of the other students in the room on two sheets of paper, leaving a space between each name. Then she told them to think of the nicest thing that they could say about each and every one of their classmates and to write it down. It took the remainder of the class period to finish their assignment, and as the students left the room, each one handed in the papers. That Saturday, the teacher wrote down the names of each student on a separate sheet of paper and listed what everyone else had said about that individual. On Monday, she gave each student his or her list. The entire class was smiling. 'Really,' she heard whispered. 'I never knew I meant so much to anyone,' and 'I didn't know others liked me so much' were most of the comments. No one ever mentioned those papers in class again. She never knew if they discussed them after class or with their parents, but it didn't matter. The exercise had accomplished its purpose. The students were happy with themselves and one another. That group of students moved on. Several years later, one of the students was killed in Vietnam. And his teacher attended the funeral of that special student. She had never seen a serviceman in a military coffin before. He looked so handsome, so mature. The church was packed with his friends. One by one, those who loved him took a last walk by the coffin. The teacher was the last one to bless the coffin. As she stood there, one of the soldiers who acted as a pallbearer came up to her. Were you Mark's math teacher?

he asked.

She nodded yes. Then he said, Mark talked about you a lot. After the funeral, most of Mark's former classmates went together for a luncheon. Mark's mother and father were there, obviously waiting to speak with the teacher. We want to show you something, his father said, taking a wallet out of his pocket. They found this on Mark when he was killed. We thought you might recognize it. Opening the billfold, he carefully removed two worn pieces of notebook paper that had obviously been taped, folded, and refolded many times. The teacher knew without looking that the papers were the ones on which she had listed all the things each of Mark's classmates had said about him. Thank you so much for doing that, Mark's mother said. As you can see, Mark treasured it. All of Mark's former classmates started to gather around. Charlie smiled rather sheepishly and said, I still have my list. It's in the top drawer of my desk at home. Chuck's wife said, Chuck asked me to put this in our wedding album. 'I have mine too,' Marilyn said. 'It's in my diary.' Then Vicki, another classmate, reached into her pocketbook, took out her wallet, and showed her worn and frazzled list to the group. 'I carry this with me at all times,' Vicki said. And without batting an eyelash, she continued, 'I think we all saved our lists.' That's when the teacher finally sat down and cried. She cried for Mark and for all his friends that would never see him again. The density of people in society is so thick that we forget that life will end one day. And we don't know when that day will be. So please tell the people you love and care for that they are special and important. Tell them before it's too late. I just thought that was such a beautiful message.

Wow, what a wonderful—

yeah, and what a wonderful thing to do in a classroom. Because I remember years ago I came across some research in some of my reading, and I jotted it down, and I used this in a lot of my earlier talks, that there's a tribe in the northern part of South Africa, where whenever anybody in the tribe gets out of line, misbehaves, starts acting crazy, you know, does things that are inappropriate, whatever it might be, gets angry, lashes out at people, whatever, that everybody in the tribe would gather around and they would put the person in the middle of the circle. And everybody in the circle and everybody in the tribe would go around and say to this recalcitrant, troublemaking person sitting in the center, what they liked about them and what they loved about them. And, um, rather than all of them pointing out all the things they didn't like and the things that were wrong, they just consistently would tell them how wonderful they are, how much they were treasured, what they liked about them, and so on. And that would end the problem. And they had almost no disciplinary problems in this particular tribe because the focus was always on looking at what you like, looking at what's positive, instead of continuously looking out from behind your eyeballs and seeing people the way you think they should be, or seeing, you know, and expecting the world to be different than it really is, and sending love and appreciation to people. That, uh, that story, I don't know if it's a true story or if it's apocryphal. It's, uh, my brother sent it to me, but I think it's got a lot of implications. And you school teachers out there who might be listening, what a wonderful idea to do, uh, in a classroom, especially in a classroom where everybody knows each other. To let them hear the things that people don't say enough about how much they're, they're loved and how much they're treasured and so on.

I love that.

And I learned this lesson, yeah, I learned this lesson personally years ago with one of my children who was having some issues with prescription drugs. And what I did, I don't know how long ago this was, 20-some years ago, I called a family meeting and I had everybody in the family tell this person, one of my children, how upset it made them to see her behaving in these ways. And the impact that it had on them and the impact that it had on mom and on dad and on the family and so on. And each person, as they would go around, would be saying, you know, negative things to this person and just reinforcing perhaps the reasons why these prescription drugs were being used in the first place. And it was a very important lesson for me to learn that if I were to do that over, and I did do it over later, is to put that same person in the room and instead of having everybody point out what you don't like, and what's wrong and what's missing and how you're hurting everybody else and so on. But instead to say to that person, have each person talk about all the things about them that they love, the things that they treasure, you know, that they remember about them. So that came out of my own learning experience, and I just thought I wanted to share that here this morning because so often so many of the calls that we take here on the radio show are a reflection of the one thing that I think everybody out there wants. Everybody wants to to know that they are loved. And, you know, that story about him carrying that around with him for his whole life, it's like whenever he would have any doubts about that, he would open that little piece of paper that he carried and be reminded about how valuable he is, how loved he is, how terrific he is. We all need to know that. And I think if we did that, not only could we change the consciousness in our families, but we could change it in our communities, in our country, which God knows needs a a lot of bringing together, and we become the divided States of America instead of the United States of America. And the same thing globally and in the world, because with what's going on in Gaza today and what's, uh, you know, with planes being shot down out of the air, and we've got to look within and find, you know, in our neighbors and in our people, especially the ones that annoy us, what about them that we love rather than what about them that we hate? It's a good way to focus in our life. As I say in my station, You know, loving people live in a loving world, and hostile people live in a hostile world. And it's the same world. It's the same world. Just decide what kind of person you're going to be. Saint John of the Cross, who was a 16th century Spanish mystic and a saint in the Catholic Church, was the person who really coined the term the dark night of the soul. Said that he had one quote that I've always remembered. He said, where there is no love, Put love and you will find love. And I think that really speaks to compassion. And, uh, you know, if you really want to find love, just look where there is no love, particularly, you know, in some of the kinds of things that are going on in the world today, and put love there, and then you will find love. And in your daily relationships with each other, it's a good lesson. Just put some love there, and guess what? That's exactly what you'll see coming back to you.

My question is, I've been listening to you. I'm one of your biggest fans. Everybody says that, but I truly, truly am. And for a while there, I almost stopped listening to the podcast because everybody that called was so negative. Not me negative, I mean they had problems. And I— and that relates to my question, but I didn't stop. I actually kept on listening. And, uh, and I have a lot of friends, and so does my new wife, and a lot of them are really negative. And I just wondered if it is— is it something that's a good thing to do, to just start weeding these negative people out and just hang around positive people that make you feel good?

I'll tell you, you know what I do, Ron, is I try to convert it. To me, it's like almost like a game. When I run into negative people, if it's a waiter If it's a flight attendant, if it's, you know, just anybody, and if I hear negativity— sometimes even in grocery stores, I will walk up to people. I'll see a woman really angry at her child and screaming, and I'll just walk up and stand close and see if just by standing there, if I can generate or radiate out a different kind of energy. And very often I can see the whole relationship changing with waiters and with flight attendants and people that I'm dealing with, or even friends and so on. For me, it's always an opportunity to see if I can, by the end of our conversation or whatever interaction that we have, if I can convert them. Because, I mean, it's, uh, and the person—

even, even friends that you've had for a long time?

Absolutely.

I just, I can always turn them around.

The reason I'm calling is, uh, I'm having a lot of problems because of stress in my life. My father was sick over the summer. The operation went very well, but ever since then, his His mental aspect has really degraded. He's practically driving us up the wall, my mother and myself. And we don't know how to deal with him anymore because he gets upset if it's too cold in the house and he wants to put up the heat. He'll even call the police. He's done all kinds of things that we really do not know what to do anymore.

Is it a dementia? Has he got a form of dementia of some kind? Is he, uh—

We don't know because they have— now they're talking about maybe getting psychiatric evaluation done because last night he called the police. So my mother has a resource person that she can talk to, a social worker, and when she called her today, she goes, I think we're going to get him evaluated and all that because he's really draining her.

Yeah, you know, when someone gets to that point— how old is he?

He's 76.

And, and the worst part is, is that he's the one who has basically given up. Because his operation went very well. He has no reason. The doctors say, "No, everything's fine.

You shouldn't have all these problems that you say you're having." It's hard to get inside of his head and understand what's going on from his perspective, especially after having had surgery. That's a very traumatic thing and it may be something— he may believe that something has been rearranged inside of him that is making him this way, even if there's absolutely no reason for it whatsoever. At any rate, uh, we can't get inside of his head and change it, but we can certainly look at, uh, what your options are. And, uh, you know, in addition to getting the evaluation and so on, I would really very strongly recommend that you go within yourself and make an absolute conscious decision that you are not going to allow yourself to be emotionally manipulated by the behavior of this guy.

Because that is what he is doing. He is really emotionally manipulating us.

Yeah, absolutely. So you just make up your mind that's not going to happen. So when he starts behaving in these irrational ways and starts making these accusations, you let him know, just like you would do with a child that's having a temper tantrum, that this is not behavior that you're going to tolerate. You do it with love, you do it kindness, and you leave the room. You walk out. You say— and each time you condition yourself with this person that every time he behaves in these ways, what he's going to be doing is sending you away. And then you leave, and then you come back, and eventually he will get it that this kind of behavior is not something that is going to keep you around and make you unhappy and make you miserable and manipulate you. He'll get that this is behavior that's sending him away. That's, that's the beginning. And you do this all up and down. You just surround him with love, as much possible love as you can, surround him with forgiveness, and make your own conscious decision about what you're going to be.

So my situation is I am in a relationship. We've been together for 3 years, and it's a really good, fulfilling relationship, but I'm with someone that's doesn't want to be married, and I'm really struggling with it. We got together a few years ago and he told me that, and I've really tried to work to accept it because I do love him and we do have a good relationship, but there's still something in me that still seeks that security that marriage provides, just the title of it, even though I know that it's just kind of a societal thing. And, you know, I grew up in a religious household, but I don't really hold myself to those religious, you know, kind of structure that they kind of hold you to. But I'm just at a— like, I'm wondering if this is— does this mean I'm not being true to myself because I still feel like when people ask me, well, you know, why aren't you married? Or when someone asks who this is and I say it's my boyfriend and he's been my boyfriend forever. And I don't know, I'm just looking for a way to find peace with it because I want to be with this person, but I'm just concerned that if I don't like listen to myself, then maybe I won't be being true to myself in some way by saying, you know what, maybe I just can't accept it.

Well, you're giving a bipolar description here. Bipolar is not a good word, but it's, uh, It's like, yeah, it's two reverse things. You're saying that I love this person, I love the relationship, I love how he treats me, I love being with him and so on. You're saying that. And on the other hand, you're saying, but I learned when I was a very little girl, these memes, that in order to have a relationship be authentic and to be real, it has to be solidified in a ceremony of some kind. Which you've already agreed as an adult now is meaningless, and other people's opinions about it are irrelevant.

You know all of that.

But these memes, this stuff that you've been carrying around with you, these mind viruses that say that it's not authentic, it's not real, it's not the right thing to do, is something that you want to just look at and toss into the garbage can and begin to say to yourself, you know, I'm in a relationship, I love this person, and what other people think about it or ask me about it is of no concern to me. That, you know, you've already got your answer to that. And then the marriage part will or will not develop on the basis of your mutual agreement between the two of you. It isn't something that— if he's decided right now that that isn't something he wanted to do, he was honest with you about it from the beginning, and that's where you are right now, then I would allow that to be my peaceful place.

My call is actually a relation— a call about relationship. I'm actually in a relationship with wonderful gentleman that I've known since I met was my soulmate and the person that I'd one day marry. Ironically, or interestingly, I was introduced to him on the same day that my father passed away, and so there's an interesting connection between us, a very deep connection that we both acknowledged. But in the last month or so, we'd hit an impasse, and there was a real disconnect between between us and not communicating and really reassessing the relationship. And at one point we decided to bring closure to it and then not, and we've kind of been in this back and forth. Interestingly, at the time of this season of silence that I called it, is when I got introduced— it was a time when I was praying and meditating and gotten introduced to your book, The Power of Intention, which I read, and then read Ask and It Shall Be Given, and one thing kind of flowed into another. Such a wonderful, wonderful place spiritually, and I thank you for that. My question is actually regarding meditation, however. It's, uh, when you have a sense of knowing, an absolute knowing about a relationship connection with someone, and you are meditating to manifest destiny, can you meditate with a specific name and person in mind, or is it better to leave yourself more open to allow to not put so many limits on how the Creator will send it. That's the first portion of my question, and I think I may have kind of answered it because I have been meditating with him in mind, and sure enough, in a matter of days, we've begun communicating again. But I just wanted to know if I was going in the right direction with regard to that.

Well, I think you can meditate on attracting virtually anything you want into your life. And be as specific as you want to be and you can have it show up. But I think it is much more important in your desires to put your attention on the feeling behind what it is that you are asking for. Always keep that in mind no matter what it is. I mean, to ask to win the lottery, for example, or to ask to have something happen at 4:15 in the afternoon on your timetable. The universe doesn't work on your timetable. Your timetable comes from your ego, and the universe's timetable comes from spirit, comes from God. There's a line in one of Jackson Browne's songs that says, "Creation reveals its secrets by and by." You live in New Jersey, well, about this time of year you start planting tomato plants, don't you?

Right.

Those beautiful New Jersey tomatoes that are so wonderful. You start seeing the shoots come up around about another month. A month or so from now you will see them just shooting up from the ground. I mean, you can't get down on your knees and start tugging at them and say, "Look, I want some tomatoes today." The tomatoes will show up exactly on schedule when they are supposed to show up. I think the same thing is true of our relationships and all the people that are in it and so on. The key to manifesting, in my opinion, is not so much whether you put your attention on a specific thing and a specific person. But in becoming a vibrational match to what it is that you desire. If you have read "Ask and It Is Given," the wonderful book by Jerry and Esther Hicks—

It absolutely is wonderful.

Yeah, it is. I wrote the foreword to it and I don't write forewords. It is a book that I really recommend and you can get that through Hay House. At any rate, one of the things that you learn is that let's say your desire— I always go back to if you can put a number on your desire and the highest number, say, is 10. 100. So on a scale of 1 to 100, your desire is to be what in this relationship with this person? What would it be?

In a numerical sense?

Yeah, what is the highest desire that you have for this relationship with this particular person? What is your highest desire?

My highest desire is actually to have such a spiritual connection and loving relationship that it—

Okay, that's enough. You don't need any more. That's perfect. So that's what you want. You want a loving, divine, spiritual, God-realized relationship, right?

Yes.

Okay, so that's at the top. That's number 100. Now let's look at what you've been offering up to that, to match up to that. So that's a very spiritual, that's like a God-realized ambition and desire. But most of the things that we offer up to that are, I don't know if it's going to work out. I'm looking at some of the things that I'm seeing that I don't like about this person. He isn't quite measuring up, we don't agree on this. You know what I'm saying? Before you know it, what you offer up to that number 100, that highest number that's possible in terms of your desire, are numbers around 15, 20, 25. So now you try to slide them over and you try to match up. How can you match a desire that is 100 with thoughts and energy and behaviors and feelings and worries and so on that aren't in alignment? In harmony with that. That's why things don't manifest, because the universe responds to what it is that you are putting out there. It's just called the law of attraction. What you want to do is offer up to that consciousness that you desire thoughts and particularly feelings and behaviors that match that. What is a matching thought to that? This person is divine. He is a creation of God. In a book I wrote a few years ago called "There's a Spiritual Solution to Every Problem"— I just jotted this down while I was listening to you, Tom. Valerie, right?

Yes.

Here are two tests for turning a relationship into something that is divine. It was written by Anthony DeMello. Number one, he says, try these two affirmations out: "I am not really attached to you at all. I am merely deluding myself into the belief that without you I will not be happy." That's number 1. Number 2, and this is the hard one: I leave you free to be yourself, to think your thoughts, indulge your tastes, follow your inclinations, behave in ways that you decide are to your liking, and I will still love you unconditionally.

That's beautiful.

Yeah, and it's tough, isn't it?

It is.

It's interesting that you said that because recently he had communicated with me that he was not sure where he was with the relationship. Relationship. That's exactly what I did give to him. I said, "I love you enough to let you go and find your way." Sure enough, he came back and we're just progressing a day at a time. That's where I'm taking it. One thing that I did want to add, I know that you said before that the music is often made in the silence between the notes.

Right.

All the music, by the way.

That's right. It's not often. All the music. It's the silence between the notes that makes the music. It's out of the silence. That all things are created. That's how God creates and that's how we create.

I'm finding that in love relationships it's nice to have the warm fuzzies and the together time, but a lot of times your love is developed in those quiet times and those seasons of what may appear to be discord and in seasons where you're stretched. I'm finding that and it's an awesome journey and I am very excited about what the future holds.

Well, I just finished a book just the other day. It's a little book that will be out next year. It's called "Being in Balance." One of the chapters— there are 9 of these chapters— one of these chapters is called "Love is What's Left Over When Falling in Love Fades Away." Oh, that's wonderful. Yeah, so it's like falling in love is like gaga. You can't keep your hands off each other. You can't get enough sex. You can't get enough of holding the person. Hands, snuggling up to them, bringing flowers, all of those wonderful things. But that fades. That fades in enmity. You just can't keep bringing flowers. It costs too much, smells too much, whatever it might be. But love is what's left over. I saw a little boy give a comment about when he was asked what love was. He was only 4 years old. He said, "Love is what's in the room when you're opening your Christmas presents if you stop and look around and see what's in the room." Oh, how about that?

That's wonderful.

Yeah, if you stop thinking about yourself and just say this. So there's lovers. Lovers come and lovers go, but love remains. And that's what you have to be. Be the love, because that's what God is, the love. And he that dwelleth in love dwelleth in me, and I in him. That's what God realization is.

How may I help you, Mara?

Well, I just made a career change, which is really to the positive. It's a wonderful opportunity for me. And at the same time, my husband is in a transition too, and he's following something he's always wanted to do. My problem— or I shouldn't say problem— but I have this feeling, and I don't know why, that while he makes this change, that he is going to find someone else that is more suiting for him. And I've thought this way for quite a few years, and actually I had this same situation in my last marriage. And it happened. And I know how we, we think and we can manifest things. And I don't want— I mean, that's not what my intention is. And I don't know why it comes up.

Well, it comes up because it's been your life experience. And, um, you know, you live in great fear of the same kind of thing replicating itself in your life and probably are thinking, best especially based upon all of the things that you've learned, that you, uh, you know, you attract into your life exactly what you need at exactly the right moment and the right time. And, um, you know, you become what you think about. And then you did that. And so now what you've done is you've trained your mind. It's a lot of what we do as, as we get older. We start using the second half of our life to sort of get over the things that we did in the first half of our life. And, and with a marriage, very often you you know, you start using your second marriage to get over the things that you had to deal with when you were in your first marriage. And if you can understand that, um, that thought is something that you want to be very cautious about. If I were going to have that thought, I, instead of saying this is something that I'm terrified of and that I fear, I would be putting it into a different perspective. That whatever it is that is your dharma, your, your relationship to this person that you're married to and that, that you love very much. If it is to come to an end, and if it's to come to an end in some way that is very similar to what I did the first time, then I'll handle that as well, whatever it is. But right now, I want to put my thoughts on where I am, because I've said it so many times on this program, everything that ever happened to you in your life, and especially in your last marriage, happened to you in the present moment. And everything that's going to happen to you in this relationship is going to happen to you in the present moment. That is the future and the past are nothing more than illusions. They all occur in the present moment. So your relationship to this marriage is really your relationship to the present moment. So rather than focusing on its ending and, and some, you know, kind of disaster that you just have imagined for yourself, imagine that whatever it is that comes along, you'll be able to handle it. And if it's, um, and if there is somebody out there that is more suited to be with your husband, uh, and that's you know, 10 years down the road or what it is, then that's exactly what you'll handle when that were to show up as well. In other words, get the disaster out of it. Get the, you know, I call this disasterizing, you know, just getting yourself all worked up. You know, there's an old saying that says, I'm an old man and I've had many troubles, most of which have never happened. And, you know, it's like these are all things that we create for ourselves in our mind. Just know that whatever it is that is coming your way in this relationship, know that it is all for your highest good and for your husband's highest good. And who wants— who could ask for anything more than that, right?

You know what I mean?

Yeah, you're right, you're right with that. And in a roundabout way, some of those thoughts too have come about, you know. You know, I'll handle it as it goes, but I don't like having that feeling. And I really, you know, I do daily affirmations where I'm trying to create more positive things with it.

So think of it like this, Maura. Think of the— because what you're talking about is something called worry, you know, and worrying about what might happen, you know, with all the possibilities and so on. Think of it instead of what might happen in the future. Ask yourself this question whenever one of those thoughts pops into your head. That is, why am I using up this present moment, which is all I get in life, all I'll ever get? Why would I want to use it being consumed with something that might or might not happen down the road? Why not instead say to myself that I'm, you know, we're married, we're happy, we love each other, and I'm going to be in this moment and I'm going to enjoy. And the more you're able to do that and be there and send that worry thought away, because the worry thought is nothing more than how you're choosing to use up this present moment by consuming yourself with worry. Guilt is the opposite of that. Guilt is being using up the present moment to be concerned about something that you did or didn't do or should have done or didn't do right, but you're still doing it in the present moment. So worry and guilt— in my book Your Erroneous Zones, I call these the useless emotions. They're just useless because all they do is take you away from the moment and have you fill up the moment with something other than what you want to be doing, which is to be in a fully functioning, loving, present moment experience all the time, just being in the now. And if you want to learn how to do that, go out and watch your animal, you know, because I wrote a book years ago called The Sky's the Limit, and one of the chapters is called First Be a Good Animal. And there's so much that we can learn from the creatures out there. Like, an otter isn't worried about, you know, whether its mate is going to leave it 2 months from now, or whether it likes somebody else better, or any of those kinds of things. It's just in the moment, being an otter. Just be an otter. Just enjoy the moment, and you'll find that all of that other stuff will just pass exactly the way it's supposed to. It's all unfold perfectly. And everybody who comes into our life, by the way, everybody who comes in, it's like a play, you know. They have certain roles to play. Some of them in for the whole act, usually your parents and grandparents or so on. They're in for the whole— every act of the, of the play. And some of them come in for a short time and then they leave, and some come back. And you know, everybody's making entrances and exits. And, and ultimately we all exit the play, don't we?

Yeah, yeah, we do.

It's never worth—

it's all of that anxiety and that stress and that fear and that worry. All you're doing is wasting the present moments of your life, filling them with something that you could otherwise be filling them with. And that's what I would be asking you if I were your therapist. Like, what is it that you could be doing in the moments when you're worried about whether your husband's going to find someone more suited to you? What could you be doing other than that? Supposing that your mind wasn't capable of thinking that thought, what would your life look like if you couldn't think that thought? And how would you feel?

How would I feel?

What if you couldn't think that? What if you just couldn't think that thought that you had, that your, that your husband might someday know? What if you couldn't think that?

I would be content. I would be happy with everything because we have a lot together. We He's my best friend and we have so much together now. I would be happy.

And I am.

I am happy.

Yeah, if you couldn't think that thought, you would be happy. So the only thing that keeps you from being happy isn't your husband or isn't you. It's that thought.

Yeah.

And if you just decide that I'm in charge of what thoughts that I have, you know, so now you say, okay, I'll just— you just go on to the— you use your imagination and you go into this imaginary place where You just don't, you just assume I can't think that thought. My brain isn't capable of making the chemicals that are going to allow that thought to come to me. And then you start realizing that I am now content. You use the word I'm content. You would be free. You would be joyful. You would be happy. You'd be filled with joy. And if you read the Tao, if you read Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life, there's a whole chapter in there on contentment. That's what Lao Tzu was teaching us all. Just be in a state of contentment instead of wanting something or worrying something or being obsessed about what already happened.

And congratulations, you're one video closer to who you're meant to be.

Believe.

For another amazing Wayne Dyer video, check it out right there next to me. I think you'll love it. Continue to believe, and I'll see you there.

Well, we've got some people lined up here to talk to you as always, so let's jump to the phones.

And let's start off with Kevin calling from Atlanta. And Kevin, you're on line 1 with Dr. Wayne Dyer.

Hi, Dr. Dyer. Boy, it's a great pleasure to hear you.