"I Had NEVER Seen a COMPUTER Before!" - #UnlockingLily Ep. 16

Hi everyone, welcome to another episode of Unlocking Lily. So I believe that this world would be a better place if we all just embrace who we truly are and went after what we truly wanted, which is what inspired me to do just that, to start a business to help people create an extraordinary life based on their terms. Evan Carmichael is currently an investor and also a mentor in my business, and I'm inviting all of you guys to join me on my startup journey. The two main things I do for my business is I'm a coach and a speaker. As a coach, I have the amazing opportunity in helping my clients discover what they truly value and then taking that in creating a life and business that they absolutely love. On the speaking side, I've spoken at TEDx, I've spoken at corporate events and even private functions, and it all revolves around one theme, that is to unlock your potential. Now, Also, at the same time, I'm trying to grow myself as a coach and a speaker as much as possible. So far, I have had the help of my beautiful mentor Evan Carmichael. I have read books, I have done online workshops, I even attended live workshops and seminars. So the next step for me is to reach out to people who I believe have a special set of skills and unique background to really help me grow even faster. As a coach, I have the wonderful opportunity in coaching people from around the world. In fact, I have coached hundreds of entrepreneurs from 6 continents. That's amazing. I have not reached Antarctica yet though, so that's the next goal for me. So as a coach, it's not only important for me to understand the complexity of their business, it's also important for me to understand their culture, their background, their learning styles. So the more I understand people, the better and more effective I can be as a coach. So today I am going to learn from neurodiversity communication specialist Tim Goldstein. Tim is also a speaker, a coach, and a trainer. Trainer. He works with corporations and universities with their leadership team to understand their employees better. So I learned so many important lessons during my interview with Tim. I don't want to pass over those lessons to you guys to be able to understand people so that way you can communicate with anybody. Now when you're communicating with people, you're bound to come across some communication hurdles. So in this video, I am going to go over what those communication hurdles are and what you can do about it. And once you overcome those hurdles, you are going to see your relationships get better. You're going to understand your customers better and even lead your team in a more effective way. Communication hurdle number 1 is figuring out people's learning styles. So the different learning styles are number 1, visual, number 2, auditory, and number 3 is tactile or kinesthetic. Just because you're a visual learner doesn't mean that everybody is going to communicate in a visual way. So understanding what people's learning styles are is going to really help you become a better communicator. So this clip, Tim is actually showing me how to better communicate my meditation practice to all my coaching clients.

The way you would explain it is explain technically what they are to do. Don't talk about necessarily the sensations or emotions or feelings that they may or that you may experience or probably do if you're, you know, if you're a regular meditator. Yeah, you do. You have that whole different sensation that happens. Part of it's in your body. Part of it's in your mind.

Yeah.

The part in your mind, they'll be able to— that tracks, that works for them. But you have to explain it technically what they're doing. The example is something like— I'm trying to think of how to explain something that would be non-technical as you're doing meditating, because I'm coming from a technical standpoint. So the way I would explain it would be technical. Breathe with me this way. I'm going to breathe in a pattern that's going to be— I'm going to breathe out 3 counts and I'm going to breathe back in 2 counts. So I would break it down to very mechanical motions. And then I would help the person, you know, I would model it to them so they can see it and then help them do it and, you know, go back through how those mechanical motions they're trying to, you know, They're either in sync or no, no, you got this one, but you're missing this mechanical motion at the same time.

Okay, so actually, number one, demonstrate so they could see it, and then—

Yeah, multiple modes. Whenever you can use multiple modes, you're going to be 100% better off. Demonstration visual is usually going to be their strongest processing strength.

As you saw in the video, Tim suggested that anytime if it's possible, use multiple modes to explain something. So let's explore those learning styles again. Number 1, our visual. Number 2, our auditory. Number 3, our tactile or kinesthetic. So how would you even know what the person's learning style is? So you want to pay very close attention to the common phrases that they use. So for a visual learner, they would use words like, yeah, I see your point. Oh, I see the picture now. With the auditory learners, they're going to say, "Ya, I hear you." "Ya, that rings a bell." And for tactile learners or kinesthetic learners, they feel a lot, so they're just like, "Ya, I feel you," or they would say, "Ya, I feel it in my gut." So once you really get the understanding of what they're all about, you could use that to help explain things better. So using the example of my meditation, so for a visual learner, I would illustrate the meditation and do a visual demonstration for them so that way they could see before they go in and do it. So I would say, "Okay, watch me once, I'm going to breathe I'm gonna breathe out for 3 counts, so on and so forth, and now you're gonna repeat after me. Now, for the audio learners, that's not gonna help them as much. I would get them to close their eyes and firmly articulate my words and what it is that I'm doing. I would say, like, "Okay, so you're gonna breathe in slowly, and then you're gonna let it go. Breathe in slowly, you're doing great. Let it go again." And for tactile learners and kinesthetic learners, I would just get them to do the exercise right away because they need to feel it. Within themselves in order to really help them understand what it is that's going on. Communication hurdle number 2 is understanding people's willingness to share. There are people out there in this world that would just share everything. They're just complete open book. They'll tell you exactly what they're feeling and thinking, while others are a little bit more closed off. They are not going to share everything, and you do a lot of pulling and digging to find out more information from them. So in this clip, Tim is being very candid with me. He's completely honest and he's telling me exactly what he's thinking about the way I'm explaining the meditation practice. He's basically telling me that I'm making no sense, and I personally prefer that a lot better because at least I know what it is that I need to do. So here's a clip. I hope you guys enjoy it.

What does you're gonna let it go, let it go mean? I'm a dude on Asperger's, so you say let it go. I say, okay, let— okay, that means something is going to happen. You allow it to happen. It— okay, we're talking about— what are we talking about? I mean, it's— there's no word in front of it. It's pointing to now.

Okay.

And then go. Okay, I understand go. But what the heck am I letting go? I mean, you said gibberish to me.

Okay, so when there's no context, it just— they're just words.

That's the part to always remember is, for the most part, for people on the spectrum, it's all just words. It's literal translations of the words with no even recognition normally of the emotional nuances that come with certain words, combined with poor we'll say vocal speaking habits that make those poor word choices come across even worse because they're said in a tone or manner that seems to be cutting or sarcastic or arrogant. Okay. When that's not how it's meant. It's this person that's really just not comfortable in the situation and they're using a word out of the dictionary that they pulled out because that's the best word they could come up with.

So understanding people's willingness to share can be a little bit tricky at times because on one side you want people to be willing to share, you want them to tell you the truth, and they will. They will tell you all the truths, even the brutal truths, and sometimes it can hurt your feelings a little bit. So the most important thing that we need to do is to take it from an objective perspective and take a step back. And really take what they're saying to us as a way for us to grow and get better and try not to take anything too personally. And on the other side, people who are more considerate and they're, they're more read-between-the-lines kind of people, they sugarcoat things a little bit, so maybe they're not telling you everything that you need to hear. So it's a little bit harder to kind of help them open up a little bit more. So a couple of things that you need to do. Number 1 is you have to build trust. Trust doesn't come overnight. It comes day after day after day. So really making them feel comfortable. And when they do actually tell you something that they have never told you before, try your best not to react in a terrible way. Try not to judge, even though the thing that they are saying could be completely out of left field and it might hurt your feelings, try not to react in a certain way. Also, don't judge them for the things that they say. Maybe they're telling you about a lifestyle that they live that you don't necessarily agree with, but try to not judge them as much as possible. So by being nonjudgmental and not reacting in a crazy way, they're going to be able to trust you and open up more and more and more to you. Communication hurdle number 3 is understand their situation. We're always working with people from different walks of life, so it's absolutely important for us to understand and appreciate the situation that they are in. You may be working with someone who is from a different country than you, a person who's from a different industry, or a person who has a condition like Asperger's. So in this clip, Tim explains the difference between neurodiversity and neurotypicals and tells us that our brains are all wired very differently.

So I'm just going to go real fast kind of through what neurodiversity is, and as I cover this, I think it's going to give you your answer as we work our way there. But so the idea of the neurocloud is that as our brains are wired and shaped different ways, we're going to act and perceive the world and process the world in different ways. So I think we all can accept that, you know, genetics makes our bodies all different from each other, so why shouldn't genetics make our brains a little bit different different from each other. We don't think of it that way, but you know, when you point it out, it's, huh, most complex organ. I bet you there is some differences in there. What this whole cloud is representing is just all the different ways that a person could perceive and process the world. So it's kind of an accumulation of every possible human experience that's existed. When you look at it, you see like in this green circle area that there's a whole bunch of these I don't know, I call them aqua or whatever, white-blue colors. And that's the hugest group. That group is what we call neurotypicals. And it's not that they're special, it's just that they're the biggest group out there. So you got to make something typical, you make the biggest group typical. It's just the way you normally do it. So neurotypicals, nothing special about them. They just tend to think in a particular pattern of ways. And that's the way most humans tend to be. Neurodiverse is anybody that's outside of neurotypical. In other words, you think, process, and perceive the world in a different way than the neurotypical perceives, processes the world. Fast story on that one. I get into a kick in what I eat, and I was into this particular potato bread. And we'd go shopping, my wife and I would go to the store, and I'd be looking up and down the aisle trying to find my potato bread. And she'd always just go, "Right there." So, year and a half later, you know, I'm a guy and I'm kind of stubborn, so year and a half later, I ask her, "How the heck do you just always point to it?" And she goes, "Just see that orange circle on the end of the label? I look for the orange circle. There's only two brands in the whole store that have it." I've been reading the labels all the time. She'd been looking at this kind of just general pattern that she could identify quickly. Very, very different ways of processing. And in this case, I hate to admit it, but her way really was far better. I'm going to explain it two ways. One part is what you can't do, and one part is what you can do. There's a whole bunch of charts I wish I had, but you know, we'll fake it. In general, part of what makes neurotypicals neurotypical is that you depend a huge amount upon context and emotional cues to get your information and to make your points. And everybody that's kind of in neurotypical kind of, you know, they kind of get with it, and some people aren't quite as quick. And it's not saying everybody's perfect in here, and certainly when you come from two different cultures, there can be sometimes even cultural ways that you simply act beyond how you speak that would make it look like maybe they're different, but they're still, they're emotion-based. A lot of emotion is going into all of the decisioning. Status, social thought, you know, who is this person in the status? If it's my boss, I got to be careful because, you know, that's the alpha male that can kick me out of the tribe. A lot of your processing up here has emotion mixed into it. Most of your processing that you, when you get outside of it, has virtually no emotion mixed into it. Very much it's Mr. Spock from, you know, Star Trek. I like to say that us— and I use this term ASD-listers— and I think of it as Hollywood A-listers, right? I mean, what are Hollywood A-listers? They're like great, they get the job done, but you don't hire them for their behavior by any means. You hire them for their abilities. Well, that's a lot like people that are on the spectrum. You hire them for their skills, not for their social abilities, because they don't have them. So I like to use this term A-lister to really say it could be anybody. It's that really tech left-brain leaving. I don't really care whether you have an official diagnosis or not. We're just really saying you're not in that group that processes by primarily or heavily on emotion. You're in a group that processes with virtually no emotion. So this is where your communication comes in. My guess is you're trying to communicate something that's not purely factual. You're trying to communicate some context with emotion. Emotion involved in the context. The problem is I live in a world that's devoid of that. There's a word that I can never pronounce and it's in Latin and it's like a leaf, erythemia, or some crazy Latin word. I never took Latin, unfortunately. And what it actually literally means is no word for emotion. So, in other words, not that there's not body sensations and such going on, but we don't have the ability— the way our brains are wired and shaped, we don't have the ability to turn that into a word that we can then use in our brain. We don't have that word that says, oh, oh, that means like, watch out for this person, be a little aware of them. That's what that feeling means. Okay, so that's where part of your difficulty, I think, is, is When you're dealing with somebody that is that very technical, geeky, left-brain-leaning kind of person, they're not going to get the emotional content. They will get the facts. So, what you need to express is the facts because that's how their brain functions. Now, you may be able to illustrate some of the emotion if you can find a situation they can relate to or have been in. That has just even a little bit of what it is you're trying to relay. But if they have— if you can't find something where they've experienced, you're basically talking as if you're talking color to a person that's never seen their entire life. They hear words, but it doesn't mean anything particularly.

As you guys saw in the video, Tim explained that neurotypicals, who are basically people like me, rely heavily on emotional context context behind our words, whereas people in the neurodiverse community, they take the words for the literal meaning. So next time you want to think about that when you're communicating. We can't assume that everybody knows the context behind your words or know exactly where you're coming from because they may be coming from a different country that they have never seen that before. So for example, when I first came to Canada, I've never seen a computer before in my entire life. And I was in my computer class and the teacher told me to pick up the mouse and move it over to the file tab, and I had zero idea what she was talking about because I have never used a computer in my life. I was so incredibly embarrassed because I didn't know what the common knowledge was in Canada. In addition to that, I just didn't want to tell anybody because again, I was really embarrassed. I was sitting there nervous and petrified and panicking and sweating, sweating like crazy in my computer class, and while everybody was just doing things perfectly. So beside me there was a girl named Andrea. I remember her name. And she leaned over, she saw that I wasn't really getting it, and she whispered to me so no one else could hear. She's like, "Lily, this is a mouse because it looks like a mouse. If you move it, you're able to select the cursor on the file tab. Got it? And I felt so much better because number one, she didn't judge me for the fact that I didn't know what the common language was. Number two is she whispered it so that way nobody else heard because she knew I was embarrassed about it. And she was completely wonderful about it. And sometimes I wish I still had contact with her because I would love to thank her for for making such a huge difference in my life. So that's the thing, you guys. You have to make sure that you don't judge them for not knowing. And number 2 is maybe you want to use some whispering techniques so that way not everybody can hear, because the immediate thought is that they are embarrassed that they don't know something. And, and you know what, in the end, we're all in this together. So I talked a lot about figuring out different learning styles, understanding different situation people are from and their willingness to share. But the main message is this: the reason why we want to identify the differences is so that we can help each other out. In the end, we are all in this together. So I want to share my last clip with Tim as he and I discuss how we can all help each other out and support each other. Enjoy. What is that little cap, like little colorful cap behind you? What's the story behind that?

Well, you know, it's obviously a full geek propeller beanie. That is to make, you know, everybody happy. It's made in America, comes from San Diego. It's— they're really nice. So if you want a really good geek hat, you know, I can tell you where to get them. The way it came about was when I first started into this after being diagnosed, I basically would not talk about Asperger's or autism. Now, I had no problem talking about being geeky, and I recognized the issues and challenges I had because of what I now found, this, you know, the syndrome that I've had in my entire life, and now I have a name for why it works. But most of the other people I worked with didn't, and at that point, I didn't want to identify myself out on the internet and in posts and stuff as being you know, on the spectrum. You know, I guess it's one of those things. If somebody tells you, you know, you've got, uh, you know, XYZ, it usually takes a little while before you're ready to go tell the rest of the world about it. So I always talked about it in the context of, um, of geeks or nerds or that technical brain type. It became kind of a symbol for, uh, Geek's Guide to Interviews, which is the book that I wrote for the geeky type of how to get through that soft side of the interview. So that's how the prop came about. It's, you know, I think the international symbol of geekiness. And it was my segue into finally getting up the nerve to stand in front of an audience and say, "I'm not like you.

I have Asperger's." That's a hard thing to do, I think, for anybody. I can relate. I stood up on the TEDx stage a couple of months ago, and I told people that there was a time that I wanted to get hit by a bus. Quite literally, I did, because I just didn't feel like life was worth living. And there's this huge amount of vulnerability that comes with that, but also a huge amount of pride that comes with it too, because now, you know, I'm proud that I went through that, and I have come out the other side, and now I can help other people.

Right. I think that's— there's— you've got two things in there that you said that I just got to comment on. Is one, if you don't go through it, you can't help other people because you've just got to accept it as that's who you are. And secondly, I think we need to be helping each other with getting through that kind of stuff. I mean, we tend to have a culture where, uh, particularly, you know, you're talking a mental health issue, I'm talking about a mental health issue. As you say, it's not in our culture real common if you just walk up to a friend and say, you know, are you thinking okay there? But it's certainly fine to walk up to him after the weekend and go, are you feeling okay? You're not looking, you know. I'm with you. First, I think, yes, you have to go through it so that you can stand there and look at it objectively because it's not objective till you're living it.

Yeah.

And then I think we gotta go out and help all those people that are afraid to do it because, I mean, I was afraid for a long time. I, you know, to be honest with you, it hurt my career, hurt my career big, you know, to go and post all over the internet that I, uh, you know, I'm on the spectrum. Cool, let's hire, like, let's go hire this nutty developer.

Look what came out of it, right?

You know, phenomenal things are coming out of it. Um, It just blows me away as I get emails from, from people around the world of, you know, whatever. I mean, I mean, one was for a gentleman, it was "Noodle asian" and said, "I saw the thing you did, it was wonderful. Thank you so much for sharing." He told me a little bit about himself and he was from Belgium. You know, got another person reached out from Canada. I mean, you just get these emails from all around of people saying I never understood that. Nobody's ever explained clearly that it's that different, that it's like two aliens talking and you need to negotiate how you're even going to talk, because otherwise we're going to fall into, well, you know, using a rodent to move something on the computer.

Back to what I was talking about with the mouse.

Yeah, exactly. I mean, if we don't define it ahead of time, then That's what happens every time.

And I have a social shout out for Emmanuel Garcia. Emmanuel, thank you so much for writing that sweet comment in my last episode, and I do want you to know that your support means the world to me. Finally, the question of the day is, what is your biggest takeaway from this video? Write in the comments below and I'll be sure to join in on the discussion. Thank you guys so much for watching and more importantly, being on this journey with me. I feel like I'm learning and growing, and I feel the comfort in knowing that you guys are there with me every step of the way. So thank you so much again. I'll see you guys very, very soon. Bye-bye! So let me give you the one word secret to happiness. One word. This is all you need to be happy.

The most important word ever.

If you had to think of one word that's most important to you, or that sums you up, or that would be kind of like a little beacon Hey, Believe Nation!

If you want to know what the most important one word is for Tony Robbins, Gary Vaynerchuk, Oprah Winfrey, will.i.am, and Howard Schultz, I have a very special secret video for you. Check the description for details.