"Should You Detour from Your Dream? | #AskEvan Answers

Hello everyone, welcome to another episode of Unlocking Lily. So I have a dream to live in a world where we could all move towards our truest potential, which is what led me to leave my corporate job to work and mentor under Evan Carmichael. Today we're building a business around my speaking and coaching, and all of you are invited to go on my startup journey. So far, many of you have been following my journey in becoming a speaker. I have spoken at TEDx, I've spoken at congregations, I've even spoken at libraries, and I love it. And I have many, many more speaking engagements coming my way, so look out for that. But I do have another love, and that is being a coach. I have coached hundreds of entrepreneurs in finding their one word and helping them out with their business and life, and I'm always looking for ways to grow as a coach and to become better. So today I will be attending a workshop called The Art of Communication. So it's based on emotional intelligence. So I want to see how I can learn and apply that to my own coaching and see how emotional intelligence is actually relevant to our business world and how we run our businesses day to day. So what is emotional intelligence? Emotional intelligence is basically our capability in understanding our own emotion, which is having the self-awareness, and also understanding other people's emotions as well, which is our empathy towards each other. Hey everyone, it's Lily here. I'm here with my new friend Jeff Crane, and Jeff Crane is a founder of Adaptomist Insights, correct?

That is correct.

Yes. So we came across Jeff through his website adaptimus.com, and I saw that you do tons of work with entrepreneurs, and I believe that emotional intelligence is extremely important for the success of entrepreneurs, and I want to get your insight on it. I get it, your insight on it. Okay, there you go. So, uh, Jeff, for the folks that don't know you, um, I want to find out from you, what is your overall mission for this? Why are you doing this in the first place?

Well, when we started Adaptiveness, we recognized that emotional and social competencies were things that everybody seemed to understand on some intuitive level, but at the same time, they seem to elude a lot of people, specifically the advanced, more advanced stuff. So when I work with entrepreneurs, work with professionals, some of the things that bubble up out of the conversations are things like, how do I get people to work together? How do I deal with all these stresses of being an entrepreneur? How do I deal with change and adapt to to this constant change that's happening around me. Then in addition, there's self-reflection, all kinds of skills that we recognize as being important. So that's what we want to help people develop.

Self-reflection is very important. Part of the work that I do is walking them through a process called Your One Word, where we discover what your most important core value is as a human being.

Wonderful.

I spoke about your one word, right? Is there one word that describes Jeff?

Hmm, that's a good question.

What is the essence of Jeff?

Resilient.

Resilient. That came up pretty fast.

Why do you think that is?

Yeah, actually. So I'm a coach and I work with a whole slew of people. Like I said, hundreds of entrepreneurs. I come across people who are like super open like they will, they're like, this is my problem, help me fix it. Now, those are, I wouldn't say those are easy, but I know that they're being honest with me. And then sometimes I come across people who are like super closed off, and then I kind of have to do a lot of digging myself to figure out what it is. Like, how do you handle that situation for yourself?

One of the things that I espouse is be a really good listener. One of the things we're going to talk about in the workshop is reflective listening. People will divulge things to you often, but only if there's a sense of trust. Some people are going to be freer with information than others, but even the most taciturn person will talk to you if they feel that you're hearing them. So yeah, I think listening skills are the best way to draw that stuff out. Executive communication, it's being able to maintain faith in the face of adversity. So lots of different techniques are essential. I do, I practice my listening skills every conversation. I try to do better. I try to be flexible. I work on my patience. That tends to be important for me.

So let's talk more about listening skills because it's very important. Yeah. So what are some of the things that I can do to be a better listener?

Okay, well, the first thing you can do is look at attending. So I would say, what we're talking right now, your attending skills are very good, right? You've got an open position, the only thing between us is the microphone, and that probably wouldn't be here if we were just having regular conversation. Your demeanor is open, and I feel like I can trust you when I talk to you. So right away, your attending skills are very good. The next step is how do you listen? Do you listen by asking questions? Do you listen by holding on to a thought, and it's tough for you as an interviewer because you might grab onto a thought and want to stay with it. But the problem is I'm still talking, and if you're way back there, when you finally do ask your question, it might not be relevant to the thing that I had just said anymore. So that's a challenge. Making sure that you are always in the moment. And what I try to do is not ask questions at all. What I try to do is just state things back. So if you talk to me about your day, you tell me something, I will just state back what I observe. Usually that's enough to get you to want to tell me more stuff, right? I'll use different techniques like minimal encouragers. I will—

What's a minimal encourager?

Oh, it's this stuff. You can use it for good or evil, right? So it's like, "Uh-huh." Evil? Oh, yes, you can. So I make little noises like, "Uh-huh. Go on. Okay. Yeah, you betcha." You know, these types of things. They're just little particles that I pepper. What that does is it gets you to say, "Okay, he's actually listening. I will keep talking." But I can also use those for evil by saying, "Uh-huh, uh-huh, yeah." Right? I mean, you use them as distractors as well. And it's pretty transparent when one is being used for which. But what I can also do is I paraphrase. So I will say the last thing that you said in my own words. I will talk about what I observe. So one of the things I used to get razzed all the time is, "What I'm hearing is," and then I would paraphrase whatever you just said. What that does is it gives the opportunity, if you if I'm incorrect, that you can either correct me or say, yes, that's correct. In either case, you don't feel that you've been judged or evaluated or anything, and that's important too.

I like that. I like that going in and saying, what I'm hearing is this, because if you, if you could potentially be wrong, that is truth. Uh, what I'm hearing is whatever, state whatever they're saying. When do you go in and say something like that? Like when you are 50% sure, 10% sure?

Well, when you're listening, you're constantly adjusting, right? So you're, you're basically while the person is talking is you're building a picture in your own mind of what your interpretation of the scenario is. Usually about halfway through, I'll interject something, but again, there's no hard and fast rules about when to do that. You just kind of, as the picture is unfolding, if you think you need clarification, then you throw a statement out. But keep it as a statement and keep the statement reflective, so it's bouncing back whatever they gave you.

Any last words for our friends watching?

My goodness, um, I guess, uh, hmm, I hadn't even thought of that.

Where can we find you?

Ah, so if you want to find me, I'm at adoptimist.com. I'm Adoptimist on Facebook and Twitter. You'll find me all over social media. If you go to the website, you can download a free workbook on how to develop your own emotional intelligence and Of course, there's more programs and stuff on the way. Nice.

And how can we be more resilient today?

Hmm, I think like I said before, don't take anything for granted. That's the one thing that I think has helped me out the most is once upon a time, I would, when things happened to me that I didn't agree with or I didn't like, I would sort of get really down in the dumps. Anything that happens to you is an opportunity and just look at it like that.

Everything that happens to you is an opportunity. I love it. Thank you so much, Chef.

Thanks a lot, Lili.

Thank you.

Cheers.

Looking forward to it.

Awesome.

Hey everyone, so I finished doing my interview with Jeff Crane. So quick recap on how we came across Jeff. We looked on his website adaptomist.com and realized that he was doing a workshop in Peterborough, which is not that far away from Toronto. So I thought it would be a really good idea to do the workshop as well as get some insights on him. On how to be a better listener, how to increase my self-awareness, as well as be a better entrepreneur. So in the interview that I had with him, it further solidified something that I've always believed in. In order to do anything well, it has to be practiced again and again and again. So in this case, we're talking about emotional intelligence. So for him, Jeff said that he still has to practice this. He had to practice his listening skills, he has to practice all sorts of other things. And I think we're going to be going through a lot of the techniques as well during the workshop. I'll be going back into the workshop very soon, and, uh, you guys are going to see a little bit of a sneak peek as well. So I just got out of the workshop. There was a lot of great stuff that was taught within the 2 hours. I think I'm gonna go home and digest all the information, and I will share with you guys what I have learned from the workshop and and how I'm going to apply it to my coaching and my life perhaps. So I'll see you on the road. So during the workshop, he spoke a lot about how to become more assertive. So what is being assertive? Being assertive simply means that you stand up for what you believe in while respecting the values of others. So in a way you're saying that I care about me, but I care about you too. It is the most ideal situation to be in. However, it's a lot easier said than done. So I'm going to be sharing with you two techniques that I learned from the workshop to help you become more assertive. Technique number one is a fogging technique. You want to use this when you're dealing with someone who is extremely aggressive or angry towards you. You're basically acting as a fog because your objective is to calm the situation down So that way you can have a more reasonable conversation with this person. So here's an example on how to use the fogging technique. Do you know what time it is? You are so late. I see that I'm later than usual. Later than usual? You are 30 minutes late. You should really care about what people think next time. Yes, I am later than usual and I could see that you are very upset about it. Upset? Upset is an understatement. I was so worried about you. I was concerned that you would be worried about my whereabouts. Okay, so why were you late? Here are a few things to keep in mind when you are using the fogging technique. Number 1 is you have to keep your calm. I know this is so hard to do, especially when you're dealing with someone who's hurling all sorts of insults at you, but you have to remember this. Your objective is to calm the situation down until you're able to have a reasonable negotiation with this person. Number 2 is that you have to validate their feelings because they're feeling upset for a reason. By you showing them empathy and showing them that you recognize what they're feeling is not wrong, they're much more likely to be receptive towards you versus if you were to just dismiss dismiss their feelings altogether, because ultimately what you're trying to do is come up with a solution that both of you could be happy with the outcome. Technique number 2 is the broken record technique. This is when you know what your right is and you're trying to stand up for it and you're trying to get your way. And it works anywhere from trying to get your daughter to do something or to get a refund from a store clerk. So here's an example on how to use the broken record technique. So what can I help you? With— I bought these shoes last week, the heel broke on it, and I would like a refund please. Clearly you wore those so you're not getting your refund! I bought these shoes last week, the heel broke on it, and I would like a refund please. You clearly wore those and on the label it says they're occasional wear and you wore every day, so you're not going to get your refund. I bought these shoes last week, the heel broke on it, and I would like a refund please. Ugh, okay, I'll get my manager. Here are a few things to keep in mind when you are using the Broken Record Technique. Number 1 is you want to maintain your calm. Very similar to the Fogging Technique, you want to make sure that you're the calm one in this situation. Because when you're dealing with someone who doesn't want to give you what you want, they're going to get increasingly upset as the time goes on. And you want to make sure that you keep your Zen state, you keep your composure, and you're the calm one in the situation. And ultimately you will get what you rightfully deserve. Number 2 is you want to stay consistent, both with your voice tone and with your words. So if you saw what I did, I kept saying, "The heel on my shoe broke off. I would like a refund, please. The heel on my shoe broke off. I would like a refund, please," over and over and over and over again. Because imagine someone's gonna break, and you want to make sure that that person is not you. Because ultimately what you're trying to do is to get what you rightfully deserve and not to infringe on the rights of others. So it's really a win-win situation for everybody. So here they are. I shared with you two techniques to help you with your assertiveness. Number one is the fogging technique and number two is the broken record technique. But something very interesting came out after the workshop. When I had a brief conversation with Jeff, that he compared being the person to change someone's behavior is as important as being a hostage negotiator. And that to me completely opened up my mind to something else. Because what happens when a hostage negotiator does not succeed in a negotiation? People's lives are at stake. Are at stake. People could potentially die. So I adopted the same mindset in every single coaching session that I did since then. I raised the importance in my role. I am the hostage negotiator. What I do could potentially change the course of someone's life. And number 2, the person sitting across from me is to raise their importance to the point that their change is going to help them save their lives. And I know you're probably thinking like, this is so crazy, but I have seen drastic changes since I have changed my mindset around it. And that goes for everything that we do. We just simply don't place enough importance in the things that we do, whether if it's, you know, finishing your homework, going out for a workout, procrastinating, all sorts of things. If you just raise the stakes and raise the importance and saw yourself as as a hostage negotiator, and if you don't do the thing that you're supposed to do right now, you are going to potentially risk the lives of others, is going to definitely get you off your butt and do the things that are important to you. And I have a special shout out for Devon Trish. Devon, thank you so much for writing that really sweet comment on my last episode. It really does mean a lot to me. And finally, the question of the day is, which one of the 3 techniques are you going to use the fogging technique, the broken record, or the hostage negotiator, or all three? Leave in the comments below and I'll join in on the discussion. Thank you so much for watching and more importantly, being on this journey with me. And I think I've said this before, but I'll say it again. I really hope I get to see you guys in person one day so I could give you guys a big giant hug in person. But until then, I have the comfort in knowing that you guys are all watching and writing in the comments and I feel like we're all in this together. So thanks again, and I'll see you guys very, very soon. Bye-bye. Raise your standard. Apple, at the core, its core value is that we believe that people with passion can change the world for the better.

Not one drop of my self-worth depends on your acceptance of me.

I don't ever give up. I'd have to be dead or completely incapacitated. Hey, Believe Nation!

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