The TRUTH About Self-Worth: Gabrielle Union's Top 10 Rules!

If you don't stand up for something in this industry, you will fall for everything and you will not be compensated on the way down. And if you believe, you know, every negative thing about you, you're not going to get out of bed. One bad thing does not define who I am. I am so much more than a failed TV show.

She began her career in the 1990s appearing on television sitcoms. Her breakthrough role was in a teen comedy film, Bring It On. She stars as the lead character in the drama series Being Mary Jane. She's Gabrielle Union, and here's my take on her top 10 rules for success. Rule number 1 is my personal favorite, and I'd love to know which one you guys like the best. And as always, as you're watching, if you hear something that really resonates with you, please leave it in the comments below. Put quotes around it so other people can be inspired as well, and when you write it down, it's much more likely to stick with you as well. Enjoy.

So then I go to the Essence Awards the day after the event that you had. And we've all been to the Essence Awards. And you spoke. And as you started to speak, you were getting the Fierce and Fearless Award. And obviously, you had given that a lot of thought. And as you started to speak, my own mouth dropped. And then it got wider and wider. And by the time you finished, we were all like, whoa, what was that? We live in a town that rewards pretending, and I had been pretending to be fierce and fearless for a very long time. I was a victim masquerading as a survivor. I used to revel in gossip and rumors and And the— and I lived for the negativity inflicted upon my sister actresses or anyone who I felt whose shine diminished my own. Fortunate enough to be honored at the Essence Awards luncheon for the Fierce and Fearless Award, and I was talking to my girlfriend AJ Johnson, who was my trainer, but she's also like a life coach. And I was like, you know, do I tell it? I mean, if I'm getting an award for being fierce and fearless, how about I really be fierce and fearless and explain to people my evolution? I love who I am today, but that wasn't always the case. I didn't love, you know, my features. I didn't love my weight. I didn't love my hair. I didn't love my lips. And it's been an evolution. And I wasn't always nice or as gracious as I could have been or happy for other people. And just sort of explain that journey through my speech. It had been such a long journey to get to that point, and I started doing the, you know, the work on myself and really wanting to be the woman I always sort of had dreamed I wanted to be. But when I got divorced and I had a career setback, I hit basically rock bottom, and I had reached out to AJ Johnson, and we started doing the work and being honest and really, really looking at myself and my life and my choices. So AJ Johnson was a coach? Yeah, like, she was a physical trainer but also like a life coach. A life coach, and she was like, "Let's really— you ready? I don't think you're ready. I don't really think you're ready to really look at your life and your choices. I think you like how you live. I think you think it's cute. I think you think, you know, 'I make a living doing this. I make a lot of money doing this, so why should I change?'" And I was like, "True." And so I had to really examine all the choices I've made as an adult and what I like and what I don't like, and there was a lot I didn't like. So from that point on, in, like, my early— 30s, I started really living my truth and my words matched my actions. So when I was putting together a speech about Fierce and Fearless, I was like, AJ, do I tell it? Do I really tell people what this journey has been? Because, you know, people, they see you on a red carpet or they see you in a picture or in an interview and they're like, oh, she, she must be, you know, X or perfect or whatever. People have their perceptions of what they think your life is like. Absolutely. And it's been the absolute opposite, you know, going through, you know, going from sexual assault victim to rape survivor, going through a divorce, having career setbacks, reexamining why you even are in this business. Who am I? Who do I want to be to the world? That's what we were like, let's just tell it. Let the chips fall where they may. And I never thought, like, being honest would have that kind of reaction. Yeah, I know you had some issues when coming back for this new season of being Mary Jane. And as a woman, as an actress, as a director, can we talk about equal pay? 'Cause I know it had something to do with equal pay. I don't know the details when it came to your battle with BET and everything that happened. Well, it actually didn't, which was interesting that— but I'm happy to tackle, you know, gender equity when it comes to my financial statements. We are doing the same amount of work. And if my star and your star is in the same place and I bring to the table the exact same thing you bring to the table, we should be paid the exact same. It's not like I'm only on a couple episodes or I'm only working 15 minutes and you're there every day, all day. That's something different. But if we're doing the same job and we're bringing the same thing to the table, give me my money. Give me the same thing that you're giving him. And I will go— I would rather use all of my money towards lawsuits for pay equity. But at the end of the day, if you don't stand up for something in this industry, you will fall for everything. And you will not be compensated on the way down. So that is my overall message. If there's something that you find that is inequitable, unfair, it's up to you. No one's going to fight your battles. If they can save money not paying you— Oh, they will. They will. So you have to be your biggest, your own biggest and best advocate. But speaking of fighting for, you know, for what you believe is real, how many times coming up in your career did it backfire on you? Did you decide to put your foot down and be like, all right, then we don't need you? Never. Because I sometimes believe that a lot of women get scared. You know what I mean? A lot of us get scared. Either— there were times I just didn't do it. So that's different than doing it and it blowing up in my face. But never, ever have I opened my mouth to speak out against some kind of injustice at work, whether that be something sexist, something racist, something misogynistic, something that's just flat out whack or unfair, where it ever came back negatively on me and affected my opportunities. If anything, people have more respect for me and like having me around, because they'd rather me speak up than them half the time. And I don't ever shy away from that. How do you deal with feedback, criticism, positive or negative? You take it all with a grain of salt. I mean, early in my career, I was named the next it girl. And you're like, well, you know, I think we should— you know, I should really believe this. And then you read, you're the worst thing ever. You should never leave the house. And you're like, we should throw that out. Eventually, you just kind of get to a place where they kind of cancel each other out. You're going to hear the naysayers and the people who think you suck, and they're going to be the people who think you're the second coming of, you know, pockets. But, like, it's usually somewhere in the middle. If you believe all your praise, there's nowhere to go. You're not going to grow. And if you believe, you know, every negative thing about you, you're not going to get out of bed. So I try to be reasonable. People whose opinion I respect, I listen. Like when Regina King, she directs 4 episodes this season of Being Mary Jane, and she's a good friend, but she never let me slide. You know, we shoot a lot. We shoot almost 10 pages a day, which is sort of unheard of in television. And you can get a little lazy, to be honest. And she would never let me be lazy. She'd be like, "Gee, come on now. Come on now." So it's nice to have people who will call you on your shit and— can we say shit on the internet? We're grown-ups, come on. Who will— if my lip can be sweaty, I can say shit. So who will call you on your shit and make you accountable and make you better. And so that's huge. If I could leave you with anything is you have to value yourself. And it sounds super cliché and everybody says it and if you don't value yourself, you don't love yourself, no one's gonna love you. But seriously, like, I just realized that at, you know, I got divorced, my show got canceled, I had all these terrible things happen, and I hit rock bottom. And what I realized is I'm an educated, amazing, vibrant, relevant person. One bad thing does not define who I am. I am so much more than a failed TV show or a failed marriage or what the blogs say. I'm so much more than that. Most significant skill set or characteristic you developed as an athlete that has enabled you to be successful in your career? Leadership. Absolutely. There's something about being able to direct the action on the court that informs your personality. I took away different skills just from working with a group of women, leading a group of women, trying to form an identity for our team. And that identity, above everything else, was be your own leader, resilience, and stick together. And my platform is learning to love yourself. So could you tell me a little about any insecurities you may have had and how you learned to overcome them? Let me tell you insecurities I didn't have. Um, everything. I mean, growing up as the darkest girl in my family, growing up super thin, you not having secondary sexual characteristics come in until much later, um, being the only Black girl in all-white communities. I mean, I could go on and on and on. Like, literally feeling like I shrink when a beautiful woman walks in. All of that, you know, it's been a journey, and you have to make a commitment to wanting better than functioning and dysfunctioning. I'm one of those black people that you meet in life where if someone says, I'm not racist, I've got a black friend, I would have been that black friend. That's not fun. Yes, the molestation was complete. Um, but along with being the chip in the cookie at a very young age came the advice from my parents, which I think a lot of our parents in this room have probably given us: you are going to have to be bigger, badder, better just to be considered equal. Which is very accurate advice, but what it does to the to the self-esteem of a small child is to say that you are always going to not be good enough. So in school, I would try to do this to my lips so I wouldn't have big lips. Didn't want to be too Black. Had to make sure that I always got those "You're so articulate" compliments. Which, by the way, if you ever say that to an adult, is actually not a compliment. I wanted to make sure my hair was so straight. I used to leave relaxers on my hair so long I would get lesions because I wanted to fit in. I wanted to be good enough. I didn't want to be a joke, and I didn't want to be a loser. Anytime some guy did not return my love, it was because I'm not good enough, because I'm a joke, I'm a loser. When I got raped, at 19, at my after-school job, it wasn't just some awful coincidence, some terrible freak accident. It wasn't an unspeakable crime. It was because I was a joke and a loser and this is what happens. When I got divorced, I'm a joke and a loser, of course. Show gets canceled, joke and a loser, of course. And on that day in August, when I started doing the work, they were like, you've got to replace that, that voice in your head that's telling you you're a joke and a loser. You've got to stop being crippled by a fear of possible humiliation. That little voice that pops up in your head that says, "Don't raise your hand, you're not gonna answer the question right." "Don't put that on, you're too big." "Don't wear your hair like that, it's so ugly." "Nothing in my closet works." "I'm so dumb, I can't do it." "No one's gonna love me." "Why is my pain unique?" Replace that. And it sounded so cliché, It was so easy. And that day I decided to stop telling myself that I was a joke and a loser, but that I was dope and fly and amazing. What sports taught me is how to work within a group and how to find strength in a team. Same with, you know, after-school activities, you know, I was in the Spanish club. Ay, Dios mío, no sé qué hacer. You know, it had helped to have strength in numbers and know how to function within a group. Because in life, you're not an island. You're not by yourself, even though sometimes it feels like it. You need to know how to work within a group and how to pull different, you know, your positive attributes, your positive attributes, so we can, you know, be a strong unit. But when you are looking to find other people in life that will help you be successful and keep you on the right path, it's that team mentality of, okay, you're better at this than I am. You're better at, you know, my girl Dawn, she's a marketing guru. So we all go to Dawn, you know, when we need help in terms of how best to market ourselves, whether, 'cause a lot of us are unemployed. A lot of my friends lost their jobs. So we're like, how do we go to Dawn to help her help us? Utilizing her skills that can enable us to become better people. I live for the quiet moments where I can be my most authentic self and hear myself think. Somebody asked me, what makes you happy? My husband said bacon, which is true. But I'm happiest when I'm my most authentic self. When nobody's looking, when nobody's judging me, when nobody's leaving nasty comments on my social media. And I can just exist. And in that quiet space, I realized I am worthy by birthright. I am fierce and fabulous because I breathe. All of us here in this room, we are worthy, we are valid, our journeys are real and worthwhile. And there's nothing that anyone can do to take that away from us. Everything terrible that has happened to us, we have a choice in how we ought to react. A lot of times what we're actually reacting into is the fear of humiliation, the fear of, "What are they going to think about me?" The fear of possible judgment. Newsflash: people will judge you whether you discover the cure for cancer or sit on the couch. You might as well live. So, I am a wife, but that does not define me. I am an actress, and that sure as hell does not define me. I am a parent. While awesome, that is not my whole life. None of those things, even though I get a lot of praise for that, makes me worthy. I am worthy by birthright. I am Gabrielle Oh, good morning, Sogerties! Hi, hope you're having a super duper day so far. This is Principal Davidson and I'm Vice Principal Cook, and it's time for the morning announcements. Attention sophomores, the field trip to the Natural History Museum is this Friday, and the only student who hasn't paid yet— surprise, surprise— The prize is Mitchell Henderson. Come on, Mitch. So I'm Friday. Mitch better have my money. Want to come with us? Mitch better have my money or he won't get on that bus. Don't act like you forgot. Just stop, stop, stop. OK, hey, all right. Stop, Mitch. All right, all right. Hey, Mitch, you hear me? Pay me what you owe me, Mitch. All right, Mitch. Pay me what you owe me, Mitch. Hey, all right, all right. Don't let me catch you slipping, Mitch. OK, all right now.

Come on.

Oh, gosh. Come on. Oh, yeah. He got away from me, didn't he? Oh, gosh, that song does that to people. That's my, that's my favorite song by Rihanna. Yeah, she's good, she's good. And lastly, here we come down the home stretch of the announcements. Oh, giddy up, giddy up! It has come to our attention that some students have been playing hooky and skipping class, and I just, I just want to remind those students that we don't take these actions lightly. In fact, If you skip, then I'll go cray cray. If you skip, skip, then I'll go cray cray. Oh, watch me, watch me, oh, watch me, I'll go cray cray, I'll go cray cray. Yeah, yeah, have a great day, targeting time.

Thank you guys so much for watching. I made this video because Neo asked me to. Also, if you want to nominate someone for the next next top 10 video, please check the description for a link to a video where you can vote for people and put in your suggestions as well. I'd love to know, what did you take from this video? What was the most important lesson that you learned that blew your mind, that you're going to immediately apply to your life or your business somehow? Please leave it down in the comments below. I'm super curious to find out. I also want to give a quick shout out to Jane Cassell. Jane, thank you so much for picking up a copy of my book, Your One Word. And taking that picture and posting it on LinkedIn. I really, really appreciate the support. I hope you're enjoying the read and the wine as well. So thank you guys again for watching. I believe in you. I hope you continue to believe in yourself and whatever your one word is. Much love. I'll see you soon.