This is Why You're Missing Out on Success | Keith Ferrazzi's Advice in 18 Minutes

Once I started to generously serve, my product got better as an entrepreneur. How many of you have a people plan? See, that's the greatest opportunity and why my company exists. Because the last time I met you, I don't think I was my authentic self. I don't think I was Keith Ferrazzi. To me, mentorship is a very misunderstood idea. Leadership is about earning permission to influence, and the role doesn't give you permission to influence. How many times have you backed down from what you knew you needed to do because you were afraid to ask. Most intimate critical relationships lie to each other, and they shouldn't. Small doses of incremental positive experiences change mindsets. So you change the behavior to change the mindset. The key is we recognize that inside of all of us, I think, is greatness. I think extraordinary things, and we need other people to pull them out. If you take nothing away from the time that we're going to spend together going forward, if you do nothing else but just remember this: He's an American author and founder and CEO of Farazzi Greenlight.

His first book, Never Eat Alone, was published in 2005 and became a bestseller. He's been described as a master networker. He's Keith Farazzi, and here's my take on his top 10 rules for success.

You know, in retrospect, in my life, I spent way too much time early on as an entrepreneur pushing, selling, as opposed to generously serving. And once I started to generously serve, my product got better as an entrepreneur. So even in that area of professional currency, people who believe that their job is to sell stuff versus serve a community actually don't do as well. Now, how many of you in this room have a to-do list? Raise your hands. Of course you do, because productivity is important, isn't it? How many of you have a people plan? See, that's the greatest opportunity and why my company exists. Because if relationships are so crucially important to your success in so many ways, why is it that you have not asked yourself a simple question every year? Who are the 25 most important people to my success? And how do I deepen those relationships authentically and genuinely? It's an extraordinary book, Who's Got Your Back. You write about the courage to be vulnerable. I guess that's true. Give me an example. I'll give you one right now, and I'll do it. I am sitting here sweating a little bit because— you don't see it, I feel it— because the last time I met you, I don't think I was my authentic self. I don't think I was Keith Farazzi. I think I was some guy trying to impress. I met you at a dinner. You may not even remember it. Chicago. In Chicago. We were being interviewed on stage. And I was so excited to meet you. You know, obviously, the platform that you have, the potential that if we actually clicked and— you know, I believe in this stuff, and I want to create a movement of people connecting with other people more authentically and seriously. And when I get nervous, I get bigger. And sometimes I brag, and I perform, and other people get quiet and turn in, but I go out. And I did that at dinner, and I just felt myself— going further and further away from you, which I— somebody I admired and want to get closer to. To me, mentorship is a very misunderstood idea. Um, most people think of mentors as, you know, let's find a guy like Lewis here who we look up to and would like to aspire to be, and please, you know, allow me to, to learn everything at your feet, right? That's kind of bullshit. Um, well, I don't know if it works or not, but the bottom line is you are a mentor. The lunch that we had together, you coming up to my house, what I learned from your podcast, from your work teaches me something. And if I can't find— I need to find a group of people in my life constantly that I'm learning from. They're my mentors. I don't try to rest too much weight in any one individual. Our job is to create a roadmap of individuals in our lives through whom we learn, right? And I just started a new— I was just chatting with you about a second ago. I started a new high-tech mobile enterprise software company, right? I am so out of my element. But, you know, I'm raising money, I'm hiring individuals, I'm coming up with strategy, I'm building a sales force. I'm doing a lot of the stuff I know how to do, a lot of stuff I don't know how to do. I am finding mentors left and right. It's survival. You are, yeah. So mentorship to me is about relational learning. And if you think about it that way, then you don't have a mentor. You have many mentors around your learning roadmap. Leadership is about earning permission to influence, and the role doesn't give you permission to influence. Most people think that the role does. I mean, it's so— you don't— I've had conversations with names that you would know who are CEOs of large corporations We laugh together on how the world thinks that all they have to do is say what they want and people will comply. Right. Nobody complies. Nobody complies. People will do what they want to do. They might do enough not to get fired or not to be, you know, openly disrespectful, but deep down inside, they'll do what they want to do. Sure. And leadership has to work their ass off. Vulnerably, intimately, empathetically, generously. You use the word generosity. Sure. Generously to earn the right to ask someone to change. And that's a full-time job. If any of you lead people, if you're not spending 30% of your time, 30% of your time making each of your employees 30% better, Right? You're not doing your job as leader, as opposed to most of your time being in meetings and dictating shit. That's a big shift. Like, if I'm not just going to tell my employee to do something today, I got to make them 30% better. Crap. That's a big investment. A big investment. Now I come in and say, okay, now how do I do that? Well, the first thing you got to do is you got to earn permission to. If I gain vulnerability, empathy, sympathy, care. Now I'm working with gravity, right? And so you got to open up gravity for yourself as leadership, and then it becomes joyful, right? Then you start experiencing happiness because it's two people in a relationship caring about each other, moving an objective forward, celebrating victory. Celebration becomes the currency for for momentum. And this is happiness. This is happiness. Then you're getting in the groove and you're in the flywheel of mutual support and giving a damn and people around you that care. I mean, shit, that's happiness. So here we were sitting along the side of the road. It's November. Christmas is coming up. And along the side of the road, a few yards in front of the car, is a pile of trash. And in that pile of trash, there was a toy. I don't know if you know what a Big Wheel is, like a 3-wheel plastic toy thing sticking out. Dad sees it. He's like, "Wait." I know what he's going to go do. He's going to go get me that Big Wheel. It's November. We had been unemployed for literally 6 months at that time. And back then, when you were unemployed for 6 months, you lost all of your pension. When my pop died, We didn't have a pension. We didn't have any savings. And we had a $5,000 life insurance policy that wasn't enough to bury him. Right? And, you know, we had to accept gifts to be able to bury my pop. So there we were, and here I am, afraid that my friends from my snooty school are going to see us picking up trash. So I'm hiding in the back of the car. What do you think it takes for a proud 55-year-old steelworker to walk up and get a piece of trash with the son still in the car, son visibly embarrassed, piece of trash for his son's Christmas present because that's all he could do? You know what? My dad didn't care. My dad wanted to make sure that he had something for his family, and that's what mattered. And he always said the same thing to me, "Keith, don't ever be afraid to ask." The worst anybody could ever say is no. The first of two very important lessons in this story to all of us. How many times have you backed down from what you knew you needed to do because you were afraid to ask? I really hope you'd send this message to your kids and grandkids, because there were so many times that I didn't think I deserved to be in that room, so many times that I didn't think that those rich people would accept me. That I just plowed through, pushed through, because my dad would always— his voice would always come up, "Don't ever be afraid to ask. The worst anybody could ever say is no." The challenge I see with most people is that they don't have a support group or accountability group or mastermind or whatever you want to call it. So how does someone want to first find that and figure out who the right people are that aren't going to suck the energy from them but are also going to give and take at the same time? Look, it's trial and error. When I wrote Who's Got Your Back, there's a chapter in it that talks about the long, slow dinner. And, you know, I think by the time we're done here in a short period of time, I want everybody who's watching us to have a relationship action plan. So, you know, as we're sitting here, scribble down your goals, and next to every goal, start writing 3 to 5 people's names critical to achieving those goals, right? That's the opportunity group. Then I want you to ask yourself, who to achieve my goal do I want to learn from? Write those names down. Then start imagining who are the people that I could trust around 4 core— there are 4 core characteristics of a lifeline relationship, and frankly all relationships, but the, but the tightest ones have to have 4 things. Number 1 is intimacy to the point of vulnerability. Can I tell you when, you know, I'm really feeling weak? Can I tell you when I'm up against the wall? Intimacy to the point of vulnerability. Second is generosity. Do I really want to help you, and do you really want to help me? Do we care enough to help? Generosity. Candor. Will you tell me the truth? Right? Most intimate critical relationships lie to each other, and they shouldn't. Sure. Candor and conflict avoidance is horrible. Why do they lie to each other? Because they just don't want to make each other feel bad? Placation. They think that that's their role, to make each other feel good. Look, I mean, I think a lot of it is that people don't realize that relationships need to be leaned on, the relationships aren't scarce, that there are a lot of people are conflict avoidant out of psychological fear of abandonment. I mean, there's a lot of insecurities and fear that drive our relational behaviors. And the, the, the, I have to say that conflict avoidance has to be one of the most erosive, erosive elements of organizational and human society, right? So, the fourth is accountability, right? But candor and accountability together make a high-performing relationship. What I would do is I would list 3 people that you have a strong enough relationship with now. You and I have, frankly, you and I have a perfectly reasonable and strong enough relationship. I call it a level 2 relationship, right? Maybe we're bordering on a 3, but certainly 2 to 3, and 3 is a strong relationship. If you want to go to a lifeline, which is like in my world a 3+, what you're going to do is you're going to go out and have a long, slow dinner. You're going to take your armor off and you're going to say, look, here's what I want to do. Here's what I'm afraid of. And here's how I think I'm going to get there. What do you think? And see how the person responds. Do they respond with candor? Do they respond with intimacy? Do they let their guards down? Do they respond with accountability? At the end of the dinner, are they saying to you, "Dude, let's talk next week 'cause I think you should do these 2 or 3 things, and I'm gonna hold you accountable for 'em, dammit." Now, if after the dinner they don't call you the following week, then maybe they're not the right person to be your lifeline, right? I know that was a very circuitous way to get to the answer to your question. [Speaker] That's great. What do most people do wrong when they approach relationships and networks, in your experience? It's a mindset, and it's a mindset of what's in it for me, right? That's the first thing. It's a mindset of what's in it for me, and that stinks on their suit a mile away. What's in it for me? It needs to be a values-based judgment of how you're gonna live your life, and you've gotta, now by the way, I mean, there's an AA slogan called fake it 'til you make it. So, you know, the point is that little by little by little, you've got to be able to recondition your brain. And that's one of the things about human behavior change. Human behavior change doesn't happen through knowledge. If it happened through knowledge, then nobody on a diet would eat a piece of cake, right? I mean, the bottom line is we need to experience behavior change. Small doses of incremental experiences, positive experiences, not even negative experiences, small doses of incremental positive experiences change mindsets. So you change the behavior to change the mindset. We unfortunately have addictions, and I use the word addiction, and I follow things like 12-step programs and other mechanisms to shift behavioral addictions, because everybody who's watching this has an addiction. There's not a single person that isn't addicted to feeling less than in a room, procrastination, you know, some behavioral addiction that holds us back, that, you know, being too shy, being too insecure, being to whatever, tempers, all these things are nothing more than addictive behaviors that we practice even though they don't serve us well. So little tiny doses of new behaviors, pushing yourself incrementally, will be the way in which we change those behaviors. Why do we need someone to have our back? You know, these difficult times in this economy, there are too many people that are underliving, whose dreams and aspirations aren't being things that They're parking them off to the side just in case of just having survival. The key is we recognize that inside of all of us, I think, is greatness. I think extraordinary things, and we need other people to pull them out. I don't know if you ever heard the story of Jean Nidetch, who founded Weight Watchers? I know, yeah, I've heard it. Sure, I love her story. Extraordinary. Well, what she realized was she was just out there dieting like the rest of them. It wasn't about knowing that she had to eat less or exercise a little bit more. But it was when she started doing it with her girlfriends that they started holding each other accountable for the things they wanted to do. That's the point. Story is, as a friend of mine calls it, emotional transportation. You know, somebody says, you know, what are you really passionate about? Oh, my kids. Great. You don't really care. It's like you just checked the box. But get them to tell you their story. "Tell me about that. Tell me why you're so passionate about your children. Tell me a story. Tell me about their last birthday. Tell me about the last holiday that you experienced with them. Tell me what they did in the last couple of weeks that made you proud or scared or interested. Tell me a story." What you are doing and what I want all of us to do in this world and this will transform your life. If you do nothing, if you take nothing away from the time that we're going to spend together going forward, if you do nothing else but just remember this: your jobs in life are to walk around the world creating an environment around yourself that invites people in to want to have a better relationship with you. Your job in this world is to walk around the world creating an environment that invites people in to want to have a better relationship with you. God, I just, I look out on this couple of thousand people and I just realize that if every one of you in this room were to begin to do that, the impact and the touch that it would have on your worlds and our society for that matter. Our churches aren't as full as they used to be. Our community centers aren't as full as they used to be. People don't join clubs. They go into gyms, they put iPods on, and they isolate themselves. Where is our community? Naturally, as human animals— and we're animals— we are hardwired and designed to work in community. Back in the olden days, they were called tribes. In the way olden days, when it was like 70,000 years ago, when there were only 12 of those tribes in Africa, and those groups, if they didn't connect and come together, they wouldn't survive. As a result, as humans, we are hardwired to our DNA, to our core, to connect, to serve, to, to help each other be successful, because if we didn't, If we were thrown out, we'd be eaten by mountain lions by ourselves. So we gotta connect, and we long for it. When you do connect, that's your time that I say you feel an exhale. And somebody actually makes you feel like you belong.

Thank you so much for watching. I made this video because B2 asked me to. So there's a famous entrepreneur that you want me to profile next, Leave it in the comments below and I'll see what I can do. I'd also love to know which of Keith's top 10 rules had the biggest impact on you and why. Leave it in the comments and I'll join the discussion. Thank you so much for watching. Continue to believe, and I'll see you soon.