Be Complete With Your Past

Welcome to Million Dollar Dentistry with your host, Gary Katie, brought to you by Next Level Practice. Next Level Practice is the leader in dental practice management. In fact, they are the best in the world at creating happy teams that implement sustainable results. Your host, Gary Katie welcomes you to this podcast as he discusses the common concerns, challenges and shares his decades of experience in empowering dentists and dental teams to go from good to world class. Gary Katie is the visionary voice of Next Level Practice and has for the past 20 years interrupted the status quo of the dental world. He continues to bring national attention to the oral systemic connection and and believes in the complete health dentistry model. He is a powerful educator and advocate for dentistry, dentist and dental teams. He is inspired every day by the courage and personal successes of the doctors and team members he has the privilege of working with.

Hi Gary, how are you today?

Amber, we're back. It feels so good to be back with you. And one of the highlights of my month is that when we get to really do our podcast together and share some wisdom with the heroes out there, I mean, you know, one of the things that I really got present to is like how heroic it is to be a dentist or a practice owner. You know, you have to be a great clinician, you have to be great at business, you have to be a great mom or dad, you have to be a great everything. It's such a big position to do and it's, you know, it could be overwhelming. And that's what I love about our podcast, where we can provide simple solutions to age old problems to provide freedom and success and, and peace for our docs and team members out there.

I love that, Gary. Today we're going to our last time we actually talked about how we've been numbing our pain and not directly dealing with our past so that we can be, we're almost completely oblivious to what was going on and what was not working. So in your book, raising your healthy deserve level, you talk about a moment in movies where everything just kind of comes together and there's a critical conversation that's had and a resolution appears and the movie then kind of ends shortly after that. So in real life, those critical conversations or events, those for us are a new start and not the end of the movie.

Yeah, for sure.

With that.

Well, there's no doubt about it. But the thing about getting to that conversation, you know, is really difficult for a lot of our practitioners and team members. You know, you know, it's very often that, you know, I designed this methodology that we're discussing Today for the non confrontational, perfectionist, control freak that we all have inside of us, right? And you know, one of the commonalities and root cause opportunities for changing your story in any movie or, or in your journey of your business really comes down to coming face to face and not avoiding the conversations that need to be had, not avoiding dealing with things. And you know, once we get doctors to see that we can just facilitate and move them through that space, quickly the world opens up. Like you said, like one person's end becomes another person's beginning and one person's conversation and, and, and, and dialogue with someone or something about whatever's. Wherever the avoidance is, opens up a whole new world. And I ca. It's so fun because, you know, I lived in this myself and it, and the experience that I had or this experience that doctors have or team members have or team leaders have is that, oh my gosh, if I just knew how to say what I needed to say and said it, I wish I would have done this, you know, years ago, weeks ago, months ago, because I really, you know, the dread and the fear and the like worry that leading up to a conversation that is pivotal is really challenging for people. And so none of us are alone to do it. But this really is a game changer about being complete with the past. Having dialogues that you wouldn't normally have and it just opens up a world that wasn't possible without it.

No, I really like that because there's, you know, this whole idea that we can kind of clear the past. This is where you talk about clearing the past, actually sitting down, having those conversations. You know, some people would suggest, oh, just write a letter and then burn it. You know, kind of to let it go. But there's real true power when you say and actually sitting, you know, if you can in person. You know, right now we're in a, kind of, in a world where we're doing things maybe across screens and things like that, but having that eye contact with somebody and really having a conversation about what doesn't work for you or what is working for you and sharing those critical conversations.

Yeah, we all have a voice, but our voice isn't always used, Amber. And you know what happens is I always, I call them weeds between two people. You know, you're dropping seeds like, you know, mini resentment, mini frustration, mini this. But then it goes to avoidance or acquiescing, right? And, and then everything is fine. You know, when the definition of fine for me is an acronym called fouled up F Insecure Neurotic and emotional. And what happens is these things pile up. And you know, so often people are trying, they're, they're either taking drugs to numb it out like we talked about last time, or doing whatever you do to numb it out, or they're trying to meditate their way or gratitude list their way out of it. And I tried that. It doesn't work. You know, what really works is, and this is age old, this is like centuries old. Making amends, taking responsibility, being in communication. You know, the minute there's a break in communication, the mind takes over and starts building all these resentments. And a resentment is a negative emotion relived in the present, a past negative emotion relived in the present. And you know, as you, as you know, and for those that have been on the podcast, really big growth spurts here with the podcast. I'm so glad that people are sharing it. Thank you for sharing this really powerful work. And what's, what we're seeing is, is that, you know, like the only way out of an addiction is to make a list of people that you need to have conversations with. And in the first column of you actually write down your responsibility in the matter. Most of us are putting our finger out and blaming the other person. There's always three people involved. You, the other person, and the person that's overseeing all of this world that we live in. If you believe that, which I do, and you know, everybody has interpretations, and if you just come and take responsibility for your side of the street, you can't control what's going on on the other side of the street. But if you own yours and you bring completion to it. You know, I used to drink because I was so. Had so much stress and I couldn't figure out where the stress was coming from. The stress comes from. I'm going to give you a visual here. I call it the post it note board. So whenever there's an incompletion with a human being or a break in a promise, we think that, like, it just nobody notices. Like, people call that integrity. Like, you know what happens, what you do with what happens when nobody's looking like, did you do the right thing? And if you don't and it's out of integrity with your own personal, you know, values and integrity, it goes on the post it note board. And then what happens is you, you have mental capacity holding on to this post, these post it notes, and they're back there. But until you take the post it note, look at it and say, you know what? I spoke to Amber poorly today, I'm going to call her and say, you know, Amber, it didn't work the way I spoke to you and I just want to take responsibility for that. Right. And I'm sorry that if I offended you or upset you in some way and like it's as simple as that. But we don't realize, like we walk through our day and then the older you get, the more this post it note board piles up and then they pile up and they're different colors on top of things and it's like this big thick thing. And the minute you begin to get that this is where the machinery underneath it all creates the anxiety and stress, you can begin to come face to face and start knocking these things out. And then what happens is once you start cleaning all this stuff up, you realize that you don't want to manifest new things to put on the board. So you live a life that's clear and present, not one that's like resentful and from the past. Because a lot of people are trying to create a new world for themselves, but they actually can't because they have all this past built up that hasn't been acknowledged and taken responsibility for. Does that make sense?

Absolutely. I love that because one of the things that I think that we don't realize sometimes is that where the power in this, in this actual issue is in our holding onto it, sometimes the other person's completely forgotten about it and moved on and. But yet we're still holding onto the energy around it. We're still creating a something about this, making it mean something. And that can be, that can be detrimental for us and it can be detrimental to the relationship. And the other person doesn't even know what's going on.

Well, and you just said something very important there, holding on to the energy of that like, and you know, there's this thing. And again, this is an advanced conversation. We're in my second year book about how we self sabotage. So you know, if you're coming here looking for nuts and bolts that just, just go back and do the TED lasso binge watch and go back to session one. Because that's in Million Dollar Dentistry. We give you all the nuts and bolts, but this is how you have exponential growth, have more peace, have more joy, have more purpose. You know, this is how you not don't kill things off. See, because here's what's underneath it all. It takes so much energy to, to manage all the breaks and breaches in values and integrity that you have with human Beings around you. And so that energy zap is where you get tired and where we get exhausted, and you want to really raise your energy. Oh, my gosh. Clear the space. See, we can't give you more time because there's a finite amount of time, but what we can give you is space. See, if you're using that space, that ram in your head to hold on to all this stuff, and you don't realize you're holding onto it, and I didn't know. If you would have told me, amber, even just 10 years ago, that this is why I don't have time, space, joy, peace, function, like the. The abundance of money. If you would have told me it was this, I would have said you're absolutely insane and crazy. But it really is because, you know, for instance, like, if I didn't confront my dad, I'm just going to give you a real, real personal one here about completing the past that I was holding onto that really took up all my time and space. I spent my whole life proving to my dad that I mattered, that I was good enough, that, you know, he could respect me. My dad really never used to tell me, loves me, respects what I do, how I do it. So I was a knee jerk of trying to prove that. And no matter what I did, I never really got validated by my dad until recently. Until I had this dang conversation. I go, dad, why did you hit me and tell me I wasn't good enough as a kid? He goes, well, son, I regret that every day, Every single day about how I treated you and interacted with you. I did the best I could. I was 18 years old when I had you. And then I was like, for me, I had compassion in that moment. I was like, wow, me at 18. Having a kid would have been a nightmare, right? Number one. Number two, the guy's taking ownership of it. He was afraid to have this conversation with me. The minute I did. He goes, I regret it every day. And it saddens me because I only did what my dad did. And I said, dad, all I wanted you to know was that you were proud of me and that. That you're. You're happy with me as a son. And I. You never really told me that. He goes, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean that. He goes, I'm not a man of many words, but I really do respect you, and I'm so proud of you. And, like, you know, I get moved here because I spent my whole frigging life and I didn't know It, Amber. I didn't know it. I didn't know it. And there's a lot of men that have this issue that I, when I share this situation. But there's, there's just many other things. And here's the thing, you know, like I did not want to have that conversation with my pops. I didn't want to do that. And by the way, we want to. We'd rather be right and hold on to our anger and resentment than be happy, have the money we want, be peaceful, be joyful. Being self righteous is a very powerful drug. And the minute you acknowledge it, you give up. The pull of righteousness and you give space to things. And now I have space for my dad. And now here's a guy who beat me mentally and physically and I take care of all of his matters because he can't do it himself anymore. And I do it joyfully. And not only that, the business has exploded because I'm not trying to control everything because I had the business as my identity. See you until and when you unpack all this stuff and you don't get to the root cause of things, what happens, Amber, is that you just trudge through life that and hope that you get to the other side in peace. And like, one of the things that I really fight for, for our docs and our teams is to have the best business that serves their community, that serves their families, that where everybody wins and it's easy and simple. What happens is as human beings, we make everything complicated. We take a simple thing and make it complex. When you start doing this work and this is the advanced work here, and you just come face to face with this stuff, all of a sudden everything becomes easier, more fun, more joy, more abundant. It's not woo woo stuff. It isn't, you know, and what most people are doing is they're trying to gratitude list on this, on top of this, on until and when you have the conversations that you know you need to have that you haven't. By the way, my dad can pass tomorrow and I'm complete with him. I lost my, my mother to this virus, my grandmother of 104 to old age, my best friend to cancer. And every single one of them, there was nothing left on the table. We had every conversation that there was. See, that's if you're a non confrontational guy that wants to be liked and people, please. Once you have one of these and you realize the freedom that it gives you, you can't stop yourself. You start having conversations and here's what starts Happening people feel safe around you and start having straight conversations with you and you don't have any open wounds anywhere. You just get to walk through life peacefully. And then when somebody has to say something, they tell you. And when you have to say something, you tell them it's profound. Now you might be sitting out there, somebody passed and you didn't, you didn't have these conversations. That's where you do write a letter and you actually speak it out into the world and that's where you can get closure and complete on that because you can actually have those conversations. So, yeah, so I again, this is such a profound, deep breath, rooted, soulful source point for our people to have the most joy and most fun and least frustration in life. For sure.

I like that because it's moving from being in a victim state and into really the hero of your life to really, you know, owning your own life and being, being present for yourself. I mean, I don't, you know, it's one thing to be present for others, but until you are truly present for yourself and clear with yourself and your own past, you know, own your own own mistakes, all of those things, I don't think you can transform.

Well, you can't. And here's what happens. A lot of doctors are having trouble right now because they keep coming to us and say, can you get me to pre pandemic level levels? I'm like, let's take a look. And I'm like, guess what? You can get way past your pre pandemic level levels. The problem with dentistry is, is you can be horrible at business and all these things that we're talking about and still do. Well, it's like, it's, it's awesome. But if, if you're really interested in like blowing it out of the water, really just, you know, see, the pandemic wasn't done to us, it was done for us. And all it did was whenever there's a crisis, you know, I did 911 walked practices through 9 11, through the great Recession, through the Great Resignation, through the pandemic. All these crisises, I don't know, are they crisi or crisis?

I don't know. It should be. If not.

Email me if you let me know the proper plural of crisis. But the many crisis are all gifts. What they do is they unveil the area that you have to go to work on. But most people during a crisis avoid. And the best time to start a business, the best time to buy practices, the best time to grow is when there's a crisis going on because money's cheaper. People are giving stuff away. That's why all these PE firms came in and bought practices, and a lot of docs just got tired. They didn't want to deal with it, and I get that. But, you know, they also left a lot of money on the table, and the people that are benefiting from it are just, you know, shareholders from private equity firms, which is fine. I mean, you know, I, I'm not down on pe fir. There's a place for everything, right? But, you know, the game here for docs, and I, I'm speaking to the individual practice, practice owner here. You know, you have an opportunity to really have a full life where you could be, you know, it. It pisses me off. I want to be honest with you, amber, that only 4% of our dentists can retire financially free. And what that means is, is that your assets can, can, you know, spew off dollars to pay for your liabilities and you don't have to work. And we like to get our practice practice owners in that place as quickly as possible. In their 30s, in their 40s and their 50s, or if they're still working in their 60s and 70s, it's like, you can still do it. But, you know, the game is, is like it's all possible because you went to dental school and you care about human beings. And the only missing is that you are not equipped to run a business and lead people and manage people, and you don't have to. You can have it done for you and done with you, and you don't even have to do any of this stuff that we're talking about on these, these podcasts. We're just giving you, like, the strategies that work that we know have worked in over 6,000 practices over 25 years, and now it's being used in other, other industries. You know, they're taking this work and just bringing it out to other industries. So it's really an exciting time for dentistry and the future of practices. You know, it's really cool.

I love this. Well, thank you, Gary. This has been amazing today, and I appreciate you not only just sharing your insights, but yourself with us as well, because you, you bring that, your own experience into it, and that makes this real and it makes, you can see the transformation that's happened in your life, and then that transformation can be brought to and helped our clients along as well. And I love that.

Yeah, you bet. You know, and if you're sitting there wondering if you can do it, you can do it, I'm sure I understand. Ah, that's funny. You got it. What do you have a Siri over there?

Siri decided to, like. Siri decided to. To help us along with this. I'm not quite sure why, but anyway.

Oh, my God. That's hilarious. Well, I. It's so funny that everybody with a Southern or New York accent used British or Australian accent. Siri, people. That always cracks me up. Oh, my gosh. But yeah. And, you know, wouldn't it just be nice if we had an avatar of ourselves that could just have these conversations? And quite frankly, there are avatars that can do this for you. You can type in the conversation and do a video and send it out. I mean, I am so blown away about what's possible in today's world. That's the kind of systems that are available in today's world. It's incredible. You know, it really is. We live in an amazing world. So, Amber, thank you so much. Completing the past is really a powerful tool. And if you want to know how to do it, it's a really simple, stepped process. You know, I always like to. It's called our crucial conversation system. And it's a. Step number one is acknowledging who that person is. So when I went. When I spoke to my dad, step one was, dad, I love you, and thank you for being the best dad you can be. You know, step two is, may I share something with you that really. I'm really challenged by and I'm afraid to share with you. So when you. When you set the person up that it's hard for you to have this conversation, it not only sets them up, but it really sets you up. And. And then the third step is, thank you for letting me share, dad. You know, I. I've been living in this world of like. And then I haven't shared this with you, and then can I. You know, my experience of growing up was like, this was my experience. And again, when you share from your experience, like, it's your reality, and people can't refute that. So it's like, my experience is this, this, and this. And then the next step is, were you aware of my experience? And they will either say yes or no. Excuse me? And my dad said, yes. You know, I'm aware, and I regret it. And. And it's like, you know, then the last step is, well, thank you for acknowledging that going forward. You know, let's start from a new, blank place. Like, we've never. You know, we've never came from before. Like, this moment is the few our future built off of this moment, not the one that we both either regret or resent or felt badly about. Can we. And then you get an agreement to start your relationship fresh from that new moment. And that gives people an opportunity to blank slate. And, and it's been incredible when we just followed the system, these simple five steps, and it really, it changes the way relationships work. So, yeah, so that's.

I do. And I love that part where that in that final step, there's making a new agreement around that, just talking about those agreements. And then, you know, in our next episode, we will talk a little bit about, you know, your word and agreements and that kind of thing. But this is, I think it's a really great ending for this episode because we can really say that the last step of getting free of your past and getting that freedom is going to be the first step in really, truly moving into a new space in your life.

Absolutely. Amber. Oh, Amber, thank you so much for a great session again. And to all the listeners, please like and share. It really helps us get this message out to more people, your colleagues, you know, they really trust you and when you introduce them to this work, it helps them and they see you as a value add to their relationship. So thank you for doing that and look forward to seeing you on our next episode and our next podcast.

Thank you for listening to Million Dollar Dentistry with Gary Katie. This podcast is brought to you by Next Level Practice. Next Level Practice is the leader in dental practice management. In fact, they're the best in the world at creating happy teams that implement sustainable results. If you would like a copy of Million Dollar Dentistry, please contact Amber Keith Lee at Next Level Practice. You may call us at 212-388-1712, extension 119, or go to nextlevelpractice.com podcast and request a copy in our Ask a Question box. We look forward to brightening your smile.